Question:
to tell people or not?
I know this question has been raised before, but I thought it would be interesting to get more opinions. I was hoping the hear from people who decided NOT to tell, and later wished they had (for whatever reason) and those who told yet wish they hadn't. For the longest time I have been thinking I wouldn't tell anyone other than my husband. We'd just go the "gallbladder surgery story" route. I am worried about the family 'grapevine' and swearing my MIL to silence, I don't think would work as she'd probably tell her closest sister. And now I have an opportunity working at a place with the wife of my husbands coworker, they are big gossips, so she found out, it would be all over town. Would you suggest being proactive and telling people before the gossips do, or just telling them to mind their own business? I am a private person and I hate people knowing my business so I am in a quandry..please help...Thanks — Princess D. (posted on November 15, 2002)
November 14, 2002
I know how you feel. I'm scheduled for an Open RNY 12-6-02. I've debated
long and hard on whether to tell or not. I've told only my parents, my
husband and kids, of course, and close friends. I haven't told my staff or
even my boss. I've only told my boss I'm having surgery. I figured I'd tell
them after I had the surgery if they asked and just keep it short and
sweet. I, too, am a very private person. It isn't anyone else's business
what you do.
— Debra L. H.
November 14, 2002
I know exactly how you feel. I did the same thing except I didn't tell my
mother. She's 82 and in poor health and she probably wouldn't understand
anyway. I told one of my co-workers and wasn't going to tell anyone else.
My surgeon even put "abdominal surgery" on my form for Family
Medical Leave. Well, I changed my mind. I told my boss then started
telling other people in the company. One of my friends told me that she
was so relieved that I told her because she would worry about me if she saw
me losing weight and didn't know what was going on. My surgery is scheduled
for 11/21/02. I just tell people I'm having "Al Roker" surgery
and invite them to my house for a private viewing (my surgeon videotapes
the procedure).
— valynn
November 15, 2002
Sometimes I wish that I had been more open about it. I am very private and
feel very uncomfortable with the idea of people talking about me. I couldnt
bear the thought of people telling me horror stories and judging my
decision.Even though I only told the people closest to me, I neglected to
tell them how important it was to me to keep it confidential. It has
leaked out and now I dont know who knows and who doesnt. That can make
life complicated!
— maryburton
November 15, 2002
When I first had the surgery. I told everyone (actually didn't tell too
many people) that I was having gall-bladder surgery. Since having it
however, I'm so thrilled with the results that I usually just tell everyone
(if asked how I lost the weight) about the weight loss surgery. Most
everyone is VERY supportive and I've even been told how brave I was to have
had the surgery. I had thought pre-op that people would think this was a
"cop-out or easy way out". Never in a million years would I
think people would think I was brave or they would be proud of me. To
those I had told about the gall bladder story, I explained that it was a
very personal surgery and I didn't want anyone to try and talk me out of it
beforehand, hence the little white lie. Everyone has been fine with that.
It is a very personal decision and whatever you decide to do...do it for
you and not for anyone else. Good luck to you!
— Leah H.
November 15, 2002
I think one of the biggest drawbacks to everyone you know knowing this is
the expectations everyone will have. Some will say you're not losing
enough and you'll feel like a failure, some will think you're losing too
fast and that it's unhealthy. All my friends and family know and I'm glad
they do. Only a very few people at work know and have been sworn to
secrecy. I will not mind telling them once it's a done deal and I'm
losing. There's always that fear of what if it doesn't work. I don't want
people judging me on how well THEY think I should be doing. This is a very
personal decision because only you know the people involved and how you
think they will react. I knew that my family and friends would be
supportive. They are all really happy for me. As for my co-workers, it's
just none of their business. If someone asks, I won't lie, but I won't
broadcast it either.
— Kathy S.
November 15, 2002
I didn't tell anyone at work - I said I was having problems with my
intestines and needed surgery. I had open RNY on 1/31/02 and am down
90lbs. I explain my weight loss as saying the surgery gave me a head start
on losing weight, and that my surgeon advised that if I didn't lose weight,
I'd have more problems. Seems like everyone has bought that. I did tell
my husband and kids. My husband told his family on the day of my surgery.
He has a hard time keeping secrets so I told him he could tell them that
day (so they didn't have a chance to talk me out of it). I truly wish I
hadn't let him tell his family. I have one sister in law saying that she
wanted to have it done but she isn't big enough (she sure looks it!!). I
have them telling me all kinds of horror stories (hair falling out, getting
too thin). I have them comparing me to others they know who had it, and
telling others that I had it, and I don't like that. They try to get a
"look" at me every two weeks like I am going to change
drastically in that amount of time. It gets very frustrating. Now, add on
top of that, I ONLY told ONE of my 7 sisters (she had lap RNY on 2/8/02,
and she's the one who led me to this site), and my mother. It has been
hard on my mother to keep it secret from the others, but she's done a damn
good job so far!! One sister found out about my sister who did have it
done and she is FULL of contempt (she's also very obese, has been all her
life, but seems to "not mind" it). I would NEVER want the people
I work with to know because then it would be even MORE opinions, which I
hear alot of anyway because I'm down 90 lbs. I'm glad I kept it as
quiet/private as I did, and only wish I hadn't let my husband tell his
family. Good luck, whatever you decide!
— [Deactivated Member]
November 15, 2002
I think it is perfectly ok to simply say that it is personal and you don't
want to talk about it. That's a nice way of telling people to mind their
own business. That's what I did with my work and my in-laws. Yea, I think
some people at work have figured it out, but they don't bother me about it
because I consistantly say that it is personal and I don't want to talk
about it.
— Amber L.
November 15, 2002
I didn't tell too many because I didn't want my in-laws to find out for
reasons I won't go into here, but suffice it to say that they were good
ones :) Anyway, I did tell a few people, and then a couple more, and now I
wish I had totally kept my mouth shut so I didn't have to remember who I
told and who I didn't LOL. My advice is to either tell NO ONE (except dh,
Mom, and your very bestest friend) OR go ahead and tell everyone!
— mom2jtx3
November 15, 2002
If you want to keep it personal, well that is your business, but I wouldn't
lie
about it, people will know that after you have lost an incredible amount of
weight
within a short perioud of time that you didn't just have your gall bladder
out.
If you told them it was personal, hey thats OK, it they later find out.
If you told them a lie, they will think less of you.
Besides why lie about it? I was very open to those who asked. And I am very
greatful
to my wife's co-worker, Sherri P. who had WLS about 2 1/2 years ago and was
very
honest and open about it. After her success, both my wife and I started
looking
into it and now my wife is down 100 lbs, in a year and a half, and I am
down 132 lbs
in about 8 months. Thank you Sherri for not lieing. And I ask where would
the
WLS comunity be now if Carnie Wilson would have lied about
her surgery?
— Dell H.
November 15, 2002
I am 3 weeks post op and have told anyone who has asked me what I'm doing
to lose weight. There's no way any intelligent person wouldn't figure it
out anyway. I've found people to be extremely supportive and have had the
opportunity to talk openly to several friends who are obese about the
surgery, its benefits, and its drawbacks.
— Lorri B.
November 15, 2002
The only hassle I encountered was when I had to educate people who knew
squat about the surgery and liked to give my their opinions or perceptions
of the surgery. It got a little old afterwards.... so I could see how
keeping quiet would be a PLUS. For myself, not only did I have to explain
that I wasn't obese from just food, I had to get into my entire medical
history of why this surgery would help my condition (that most didn't know
I had in the first place). Once I explained to them, it was if my reason
for surgery was now "acceptable". This in turn would irk me. I
definitly didn't need their approval. Nowadays, the only time it comes up
is when my husband thinks he needs to explain to food servers that I did
indeed enjoy my meal, however that I "cannot eat a lot due to the size
of my stomach"- the often look at me in question as I am no small
girl- they obviously think I got to this size somehow so I should have a
hearty appetite. Alas I don't. Anyhow, I explained to him this wasn't a
nescessary thing to do... these people are the last on my list to have to
explain ANYTHING to.......... :)
— Karen R.
November 15, 2002
I had decided not to tell anyone. I didn't tell anyone for about 4 1/2
months, either. BUT, we had a party at my mom's house and I saw lots of
people that have known through my parents for years and guess what? THEY
ALL KNEW! I swore my family to silence. They knew I wasn't going to
share. Of all people to out me, it was my own MOTHER! Since then, I've
been more open about it. I still wish nobody knew, but I've only had
compliments and good comments. I guess if people find out after the fact,
they can hardly try to talk you out of it or feed you the "I knew
somebody who..." schpiel. So, bottom line, do whatever you feel
comfortable with but be prepared to spill your guts (pun intended) just in
case someone considerate shares your secrets with the world.
— cjabates
November 15, 2002
hi there :) i was very open about it . all my friends,family.co workers
knew what i was doing and were all very in favor of it. i will talk to
anyone about it. i sometimes feel like a spokesperson which is cool:)i like
to be helpful in anyway i can, it is my nature. i really like talking about
it with people that are concidering having itso they know what to expect. i
dont regret telling everyone,its been ok. i get alot of attention now after
wls but thats due to the weight loss,not the wls itself.i have a friend who
was the exact opposite, she told her employer she was having her
gallbladder removed and she now tells people shes just having stomach
problems and cant eat much and this is why shes losing weight. she doesnt
regret her decision to keep quiet about it.best of luck to you :)
— carrie M.
November 15, 2002
I am in the same boat as you are. I have gone back and forth with should I
tell people or not. I feel it is a very personal decision and other than
my husband and kids, no one else knows. I have been having some medical
problems this year and in the past few months have had another condition
that will require surgery and so I have not corrected co-workers regarding
the type of surgery. My surgery date is December 6. Do what you heart
tells you. Good Luck!
— C R.
November 15, 2002
HI, so far only a few people know. Most of my family doesn't know. I choose
not to tell them until after surgery. My family is very close and if you do
something they wouldn't have done themselves, its wrong. I just have one
cousin to tell and then everyone else will know. so maybe thats what I'll
do. They will have no choice but to support me after I go thru with it.
They won't be able to talk me out of it because it will be done. As far as
work, right now I'm going with the "gall bladder surgery" story.
Which isn't a total lie. I might tell after. I dont need to hear negative
things from people who haven't spent the last year researching this right
now.
— Des812
November 15, 2002
I have told a few people that I plan to do this. Everyone has been really
supportive. I had worse problems when I had my hysterctomy 7 years ago for
cancer. I worked at a hospital and two of my co-workers (nurses) were
placing bets on whether I would survive the operation because of my weight.
It made me a little leery but you have to do what you feeel is right.
Most intelligent people will figure it out with all the publicity right now
anyway.
— isumpin
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