Question:
Any experience on how to keep your WLS private?
I have read a lot of post where family members were opposed to our wls. In the beginning, I went through this with my mom. However, she knows how head strong and independent I am so she got of the subject and supported me in the surgery and I love her for it. My biggest problem now is she is telling everyone about my surgery, what my doctor said or did, what I can and cannot eat. She is telling everything. We live in a town of 2000 people and I feel like half the town knows of my wls. I am about to explode with her. From the beginning, I told her to keep it under wraps. I only wanted to share this experience with my immediate family and on this supportive web site. Any advice on how to handle this issue. My mom is very sensitive and her feelings are easily hurt. I want to nip this in the bud without causing WWIII. — Jan M. (posted on December 6, 2000)
December 6, 2000
Jan, I understand your concern, I am going to speak very openly with you on
this topic because I had the same issue. You made a very courageous (sp)
choice to have this proccedure. Your weight loss is going to be noticed by
everyone. You may want to look at it this way: Everyone who comes in
contact with you will be curious about how you lost your weight. I tell my
people it was hard work and determination. That is what is the truth if you
are really working with this tool. There is no reason to be ashamed, not
saying you are but I would welcome every question, comment or gesture that
anyone has regarding your loss. You open it up!!! Just step right into it.
Tell them all what you did and how you did it. You will be surprised at
what will come back. I know small towns and people talking can be
disturbing. And your Mom maay be doing a little more talking to folks than
you like. She is proud of you I am sure. I know we here at AMOS are. You
may want to tell her that this was a very personal thing for you and to let
you "field" all of the question that anyone has . Ask her to let
you be the one who shares this news. Your weight loss will tell the rest of
the story....Good luck & Blessings.
— Courtrina Amur W.
December 6, 2000
Jan, I also live in a small town. Fifteen years ago using diet and exercise
I lost 110 pounds. Unfortunately, at 90 pounds down I became very ill and
spent a month in the hospital including two surgeries. Before long,
everyone I knew thought I had cancer or AIDS. My own Grandmother was
convinced that I was dying of cancer. When I had my WLS, I told folks
exactly what I was doing. I don't really care if most folks agree with my
decision because it is MY decision. For the most part, everyone has been
interested and supportive. In a small town, if you have changes going on
in your life there will be talk. I decided that I wanted there to be some
degree of accuracy to the gossip, so I got it off on the right foot
<smile>.
— Nanette T.
December 6, 2000
I had a similar thing happen to me- I am not ashamed of having WLS, but my
private life is just that PRIVATE!
If I was having my wisdom teeth out I probably wouldn't share that either
:-).
I spoke to the person (a close family member) that was telling people and
asked them
to please keep my affairs private- they became defensive at first but
lighted-up when I started
talking about other things. I think that there are careful ways to speak
with your mother
so not to hurt her feelings. I know from being from a small town that- what
"they" don't know
about you "they" will make up.So I say let "them" do
the work I also know that people can try to sabatoge our
progresses and not want us to succeed. We need to take care of ourselves
and stay on the possitive side of things
the best we can. I say if you want to keep your WLS private, DO. If you
want to shout it from the
roof tops then DO that. I know how you feel and wish you the best of luck
with your weight loss and your
mother. ~Peace~
— [Anonymous]
December 7, 2000
Jan ... Pride does weird things to people, ESPECIALLY mothers. I'm sure
she's just bustin' her buttons over how well you've done, rather than out
of some evil desire to tell your business everywhere. My mother tells
everybody everything too, and only because she's so proud of me. As time
goes on, people WILL notice that you're considerably smaller than you used
to be and they WILL be curious about how you got that way. I gave up
trying to keep my surgery quiet after about the nine gazillionth question
about what diet I was on. I figure it's an opportunity to educate people
and share what has been an overwhelmingly positive experience for me. You
might ask your mother to be selective about who she tells, and what she
tells, but I'd pretty much guarantee you she's coming from a place of pride
and love for you. Unless it gets REALLY personal, I'd just let it go. She
loves you, you love her, and BOTH of you have reasons to be proud.
Congratulations -- and warm thoughts always,
— Cheryl Denomy
December 7, 2000
I can sympathize with you completely. My own parents did not necessarily
support my decision. I made it clear to them that I wanted to be in
control of who I told and when - when I was comfortable and ready. What
did my father do? He told everyone on his side of the family. I know it
was not out of hurtfulness that he did it, but nonetheless it hurt my
feelings, and I told him it was very inappropriate. I know you don't want
to hurt your mom, but at the same time you have feelings too and she needs
to respect them. She may not be happy about it, but I would still sit down
with her and talk about it - even at the risk of hurting her initially.
She will come to understand your point of view. I was very private in the
beginning about my own experience, and I still am at work. When I was
pre-op I did not want the pressures of other's opinions, nor did I want my
success jeopardized (sp) in any way. As I started to lose weight, more and
more people at church have noticed and have given me tremendous
compliments. I have been very lucky. This has all happened in very
positive ways, and it has opened the doors to educating people about WLS.
But it has happened at my choosing. At work, I am still guarded. I am
sure people have noticed the loss (so far 91 lbs), but they respect me
enough that if I don't talk about it, they don't mention it. Good luck and
hang in there. Even though this did not happen at your choosing, don't let
it saboutage your success or make you feel ashamed of what you did. You
took your health - and your life - back. Be proud of your accomplishment
and enjoy the new you!!!
— Paula G.
December 7, 2000
Hi Jan, I feel for you. I've been on both ends. I am the biggest tattle
tale in the whole world. When I was 9years old, my sister lit a cigarette
in the back seat of the car, and I tattled to my Mom in the front seat!!!!
She had started smoking in front of my Mom on a convention while I stayed
with my Grandmother!!! My kids tell me all the time not to tell private
things, I try!!! I wrote someone in my area that had WLS with my surgeon
before I had mine. We ended up exchanging phone numbers. One day, I phone
her, and she wasn't at home, I left a message with her daughter. Well, my
name, and caller ID info became a discussion with her daughters. It ended
up being one of her daughter was a friend on mine that didn't know I had
surgery!!! She called me back, and was too excited for me. I was having
several complications from my surgery, and she ended up coming to my house,
and cleaned it for me. She was such a gem. I went to see her on her job
this week- at 130#- and when she introduced me to her co-worker, she
mentioned I was the friend of hers that had the surgery like her mom and
sister!!! It knocked me back, then I pulled out my before and after
picture!!!! It was a wonderful ego boost after all. Please try to find the
good in what you Mom is doing. I would love to be able for my Mom to see me
now. I hope she is telling everyone in Heaven that "that's my skinny
daughter!!!" Good Luck, and God Bless You --
— CohenHeart
December 7, 2000
Jan, I understand your desire for privacy. I am a very private person and
I have put up a lifetime of people (even strangers) telling what I
SHOULD/SHOULD NOT do regarding my weight. I am not ashamed that I had
surgery, I just don't think it is anybody else's business. I told my
immediate family and their reactions ranged from extremely supportive to
mildly accepting. I told my boss the truth because she has the same
problem. She is supportive, but concerned in a caring way. Everyone else
that "needed an answer" was told that I had abdominal surgery to
remove adhesions and scar tissue from earlier surgeries that were causing
me problems/pain. This is not a lie, it is just not the WHOLE truth. When
the weight loss becomes noticeable and people inevitably begin to comment,
I plan to tell them that I had to go on a strict diet and exercise regimen
due to serious health problems. Again, this is the truth, it simply omits
the part about the gastric bypass surgery. I am a Christian and try not to
lie, but on this issue, I REFUSE to put up with some people's ignorant,
ill-informed, unsolicited judgements. YES, this is a huge issue with me.
Maybe you could try explaining to your mom in a non-threatening way. My
mom lives in a small town, and everyone knows everyone else's business.
Lying goes against her grain, but in the end she understood and tells
people who ask the agreed upon version of the truth. Another "polite
white lie" is to just say you had surgery for female problems and feel
so much better you have started an exercise program. Men will change the
subject immediately and women will either commiserate or share their own
"adventures with female problems". Again, it is stretching the
truth, but after all, you are a female and did have a problem, right???
*grin* Anyway, I hope this helps you, whatever you decide. Good luck and
God Bless. (Open RNY 11/17/00)
— Lynn T.
Click Here to Return