Question:
What dont I feel more self confident now that Ive lost all this weight?
Im a little over 5 months postop and Ive lost about 1/2 of what I need to lose. After a 3 week plateau Im slowly starting to lose a little this week. This last plateau has brought out a big fear in me that I might not lose as much as I was counting on losing. I live in a state where thin is definately in, at least for women. It really scares me to think that I may only end up at 175 or even 200 lbs. Im in my late twenties and find it hard enough to find men. With excess weight I see it as next to impossible. Im both shy and self conscious and Im finding that I worry about this daily now. Will I ever find Mr. Right when Im having to compete with so many thin, younger women? Can anyone relate to this? — [Anonymous] (posted on March 24, 2000)
March 24, 2000
I am also someone who has confused body size with self worth. I am a fun,
vibrant, loving, beautiful woman. Most of the time, all I see is a fat,
unattractive lazy lump. There are thousands of 'big beautiful women and
men' that have loving relationships and active social lives not based on
body size - I've never been one of them - but I truly believe that the
cause is 'between my ears' rather than below the belt - don't you agree?
— Toni B.
March 24, 2000
Your message really touched me..Thanks for being so honest and sharing your
heart. When I was younger I believed that I was lucky when any man noticed
me and wanted to date me. I even convined myself that I should be
flattered that married men were the answer...my low self esteem talked me
into believing that the were choosing me over their wives...thus I was more
attactive...I really set myself up for pain...all because I believed that I
would not find my special someone. Well, let me tell you, someone else's
husband is no bargain...it's better to be alone..I finally deceided after
many painful relationships (and me all alone on holidays) that I was going
to put myself first. I was going to look at the good things about
me...regardless of weight, God gave me some pretty wonderful things. Im
tall, I have a wicked sence of humor. I'm quick, smart and compassionate
for others. I quit looking for mr right and started learning how to like
myself. The thing is that being overweight, I had convinced myself that if
only I were thin....yada yada yada..everything would be perfect. No way.
You have to like you. Thin or not thin...tall or short. Smart or
whatever...God made you and he made yo special. Maybe he hasn't presented
you with that special person yet because he knows you need to love yourself
first...work on liking you...enjoying your own company. etc. I know this
is long winded...but I used to be where you are and its so darn lonely. I
found my husband 24 yrs ago. I made him prove over and over that he really
loved me, because I couldn't believe anyone could...Finally he convinced me
and it's been wonderful ever since. We have a family and I like myself. I
really do...I am 46 years old now and I really have only gotten comfortable
with me in the last 10 yrs. Don't wait that long. Look at the you God
created...in his image...and nothing could be more wonderful
— [Anonymous]
March 24, 2000
First of all I want to tell you that the plateau's are going to happen
again and again and then you will lose again and again. You are not
through yet! I felt the same way and thought, geez I went through all this
for only 1/2 my weight loss. Now, (10 months postop) people are telling me
I look anorexic. I have lost all the weight through trial and error of
different strategies. (look under MS, Barbara Roberts cause i wrote a sort
of diary).
The next thing is the question of a man. None of us "needs" a
man. We first have to be happy with us and then we can develop a
relationship with a man. But, we in no way, as mature, vibrant women,
"need" a man. Until you realize what a great person you are, you
can't give completely to a relationship with someone else. I would say,
work on yourself first and the rest will come to pass. I "do"
want to tell you something that I went through though. I was engaged to a
wonderful man before the surgery. He loved me no matter what. I even
actually met him here online. The thing is, that I thought that after I
lost the weight, our relationship would be somehow different. Better in
some ways because he would be so proud of me and be so proud to be
"with" me. Well that didn't happen. Want to know why? Because
he was already proud of being with me fat or skinny. I was still the same
person I was before and nothing in our relationship has changed. He never
mentions the weight loss unless I ask him and then he says that it never
mattered to him one way or the other. He always loved me for more than
what i looked like. We are married now. What i am trying to say is, it's
the inner you that is important and if that inner you gains self confidence
from this surgery, and attracts other people, then great. But know that
this is NOT a miracle cure. You will still be the same person but
hopefully you will then have the self confidence to know how wonderful you
really are. It will though, take alot of time for you to get out of the
"I am fat" mode. I am at goal and still see myself as
overweight. I just can't see the person that others see. Just know that
you are getting better all the time and work on YOU! If you need
professional help to gain self esteem, don't be embarrassed about
that...just help YOU! Good luck! Barb
— BARBARA R.
March 25, 2000
What Ava said about having some 'ethics' in place is very
important. When I was in my late 20s I lost a lot of weight
and the attention was overwhelming. I didn't have these ethics
in place and still blush when I think back on some of my
actions. I was so appreciative of the attention and thought
that each time, it may be Mr Right or that I owed them something
for paying so much attention to me. I know that I am older now
and hope that I am also wiser. I am now in my late 40s and
have a whole different perspective than I did in my 20s. I am
having the WLS next month "for me". If the attention comes from
the male population, so be it. If it doesn't, so be it. I am
comfortable with my life now and feel like I can keep things
in a better perspective. Good luck to you and don't settle
for 'anything' because you want 'something' so badly.
— Cheryl R.
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