Question:
An old friend offers NO support---please help?
— Kim W. (posted on May 12, 2003)
May 12, 2003
It sucks that you have to go through this with your friend. Have you tried
just asking her what her deal is? Actually confronting her about her
behavior? It may be that she's jealous of you, or resents you or any number
of things. If her friendship is that important to you, maybe you need to
take a risk to find out what her deal is. I've lost a friend due to my
surgery & I know how much it hurts. But I've also gained better friends
then she ever was, regardless of the time invested in the relationship.
It's a weird thing & not fun. Good luck darlin!
— LionGirl2k
May 12, 2003
Hey!! First off let me say good luck with your surgery... I am having the
exact same situation with my best friend... we are both heavy and when i
decided to look into the surgery she didn't say much... then i made my
consultation appointment and would you believe that she made an appointment
also with the same surgeon on the same day... i scheduled my date and then
she called me after her appointment saying that the surgeon told her that
she wasn't heavy enough... i think she said that just so she could say that
i was heavier then she was also her mother was not supportive about the
surgery anyway when she told her about me. now whenever i talk about it she
also changes the subject. i have come to terms with the fact that she is
jealous. which probably also has to do with your friend. she is jealous
that you are going to be thin and she still will be struggling with her
weight. you need to not talk to her about it at all! i did that and now on
thursday she is coming to a support group meeting with me. you might want
to distance yourself a little and when she asks what is wrong then you can
tell her your feelings about her changing the subject. she needs to know
that you are going to need all the support you can get after surgery! hope
this helps! good luck with surgery.
— Jaime K.
May 12, 2003
Nancy & Jamie - Thank you so much for reading my LONG WINDED post. I
was kind of embarrassed when I saw the length! Geeze! I guess this is part
of the journey, huh? Hell, I haven't even had the surgery yet and my
friends are dropping like flies. *grin* Can't imagine what's next!
>^,,^< Kim
— Kim W.
May 12, 2003
I can imagine that must be pretty frusting having a friend not wanting to
discuss WLS with you. I had a friend like that to (she was thin & in
shape). The problem was...was that she had another friend who had the
surgery and she had a hard time of it. I believe she was afraid the same
thing was going to happen to me. Now, she could of been negative the whole
time, making snide remarks, but she chose not to say anything or ask
questions. Now, could it be that your friend doesn't agree (she does have
that right), but doesn't discuss it with you, so you two won't be having
arguements? Would you rather her not say anything or make nasty/mean
comments all the time? If you wait til after your surgery, I bet she will
come around as she see how thin and healthy you are getting. Has she ever
met anyone that has had surgery? Good luck on your upcoming surgery.
— TLLessor
May 12, 2003
My guess is that your friend has two concerns, one for your safety and two,
that if you no longer are MO and she is, she will lose a friend. I would
suggest that you go somewhere with your friend, where you have the time and
privacy to talk and see what her fears and concerns are. Most likely she
needs to be educated about the procedure and needs to have her fears
allayed that your friendship will not be jeopardized.
— Debbie B.
May 12, 2003
Kim, I'm having the same problem. Although I am classified as MO and my
friend (of 25 years) is a size 18, we both struggle with the same issues. I
think in our situation my friend sees me finding a lifetime solution to my
health & weight issues while she is feeling left behind still having to
struggle with her own. She always says "she would never get stapled
anyway even if she could qualify". It sure has inspired her to start
working out and eating right though - she has now lost 25 pounds since I
told her I was considering surgery! Good for her! So maybe you're friend is
struggling with her own issues. Take care.
— j A.
May 12, 2003
Have dinner with you, your non supportive friend and a postie who has lost
at lease a 100 pounds. This should help the situation. Have postie tell
their storie and show their photos.
— bob-haller
May 12, 2003
Yup, she's jealous. You two have been "fat" buddies and now she
is going to be alone . . . in her mind anyway. You were probably a safe
zone for her. You shared the same weight issues and she could be
comfortable around you. Now you're looking to shake up the status quo and
that does not make her happy at all. If this friend means a lot to you,
you'll need to take the first step and ask her point blank what is her
major malfunction re. you having WLS. Let her know how important this is to
you and that it's hurtful when she brushes it aside. WLS is a tough choice
and you need all the support you can get. If she can't be there for you as
a true friend should, then you will do best to distance yourself from her.
Sad but true.
Here is a story of my own which shows how weird folks can get about this
topic: I have this friend at work that I have gotten close to over the last
year. She is about my size and also has always struggled with her weight.
We even did the lunchtime Weight Watchers meetings together. Anyway, when I
told her about my plans, I knew from her responses that she didn't think
WLS was a good choice. Well now her older sister (same size as my friend)
has come to me to ask me about WLS. Well anyway, my friend hasn't really
done much to reach out to me since I returned home from the hospital. I
e-mailed her and then I called her. She was glad I was doing well, and then
mentioned that her and her sister had both been doing WW and had each lost
a few pounds. But she then added that her sister was probably going to go
ahead and look at having WLS. My friend then went on about how it's so
drastic, it's not right, long-term impact, yada yada. Huh-lo? I'm still in
the difficult recovery phase and this is what you have to share with me?
She was going on as if she was just having the general debate/venting re.
her sister having the WLS and totally blowing off the fact that I'm home
recovering from the darn surgery myself. Seriously, I think the subject
causes some people to temporarily misplace brain cells.
— snohflake
May 12, 2003
I think Bob's idea is a great one. A person who is ignorant s a person who
simply "doesn't know", this would be a good way for your friend
to know and not be ignotant.
— Sarah S.
May 12, 2003
sounds like she is afraid of you loosing what you two have in common. alot
of people have a problem with friends and family not having support for
them. just remember that the person doesn't have to agree with you about
wls. it is a private choice. one that each of us has to make by ourself.
and showing support doesn't mean that they have to agree with your choice.
but letting her know that you want her support as a friend and she doesn't
have to agree with your choice. also....i know you are very excited about
wls and you might be talking about it ALOT. alot of people think friends
and family aren't being supportive when they don't want every conversation
to be about or INCLUDE wls. try asking more about how she is doing and
don't mention wls unless she brings it up. support is not always agreeing
with you, it's showing you love and respect....good luck!
— franbvan
May 12, 2003
I agree with the other posters, however I would have to confront her with
how I was feeling about her comments and about her brushing me off. I too
seem to have lost a friend over WLS. She was denied for the surgery but I
am hoping she wins an appeal. However, in the meantime she has stopped
calling or asking me to go places with her and she is very open about it
being because I have lost weight. We were fat friends together, we always
centered everything we did around food. I guess this happens. You have to
do what is best for you.
— Peggy B.
May 12, 2003
My best friend from the early 70s thought I was insane to even consider
WLS, and told me that directly. He tried to scare me out of it, and was
truly concerned for my safety. Well after surgery he became my biggest
supporter:) Fact is he has advocatewd surgery for his daughter. Using me as
a example:)
— bob-haller
May 12, 2003
I don't believe your friend is jealous or any of that. Most likely she does
not approve of what you are doing but respects your right to do it. She is
not making negative comments, just no comments at all. Don't cut her out,
just understand she doesn't want to hear about it and discuss the other
parts of your life. Remember WLS is not your entire life, it just seems
that way right now. Respect her right not to agree with what you are doing
and value her for respecting your right to do it. Peace.
— Sunny S.
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