Question:
really hurt
hey everybody, maybe i am being oversensitive but today i wore some jeans i wasn`t able to fit just last week, and i was happy and told my hubby to congratulate me, and he says "congratulations is the wrong word bc you don`t put any effort into losing weight it will come off no matter what you do" . i felt crushed bc the weight is not just melting off of me and i feel his statement was unfair and untrue well thanks for listening:( — nice n sweet B. (posted on November 16, 2002)
November 15, 2002
WOW! My jaw dropped open after I read your statement. I'd feel crushed,
too. Sounds like husband has some issues. Does he think you took the easy
way out? I wouldn't call this the easy way to lose weight. Keep your chin
up!
— Debra L. H.
November 15, 2002
I don't think your hubby meant to be hurtful. Unfortunately, he's one of
millions of people in the U.S. who think that weight loss surgery is the
"easy way out." I think the best way to deal with this situation
is to have a real heart-to-heart with your hubby where you say, "John,
(or David or Harry or whatever), when you said yesterday that I didn't have
to work at losing weight, it really hurt my feelings. I have been working
very hard in fact. I exercise X times per week, am careful about what I
eat and take protein supplements and vitamins daily (and will have to do
this for the rest of my life. I don't think I took the "easy way
out." I think I took a very brave approach to my obesity, and I hope
you won't ever again infer that I'm not working." I betcha anything
that will drum up an apology (as well it should)!
— Terissa R.
November 15, 2002
Serve him up a meal of your size. Tell him to Bon Appetit, there are no
seconds and walk away. I guarantee he won't think it is so easy again.
— Sue A.
November 15, 2002
Your hubby's statement was not only unfair and untrue but so very
unsupportive! Please don't let him (or anyone else!) discourage you in any
way, ever! I consider myself blessed because even though my man isn't the
most sensitive or romantic guy in the world, he is completely supportive.
He went to the very first support group meeting and education seminar with
me, and has gone to every meeting with me since then. At times I even got
upset with him for thinking he was a WLS expert! (you know those hormones,
we can get extremelyyyyyyy sensitive) But you know if he wasn't supportive,
I wouldn't make the mistake of letting him drag me down...I made that
mistake with my first husband and all it got me was depressed and 75 lbs.
heavier. So never, never, never let anyone discourage you. You're doing
this for YOU and you deserve it! - Anna LAP RNY 7/3/02 -87 lbs.
— Anna L.
November 16, 2002
I'm not one to resort to violence usually, but quite frankly I think that
he needed a good slap in the face. (and I like the idea of serving him one
of your meals and saying that's it)
— Toni C.
November 16, 2002
Wow..I'm sorry that happened to you =( I am still a pre-op and have people
already telling me that I am taking the "easy way out". I simply
tell them, "Well, if I am taking the easy way out, aren't I the SMART
ONE?" It's plain and simple ignorance. Do you think that perhaps
your hubby feels threatened by your weight loss? Maybe he's thinking that
you'll lose weight and leave? Just a thought. Talk to him like the others
have suggested, also encourage him to come to some support meetings and/or
doc visits so that he can see other spouses and get some support of his
own. Blessings!! =)
— Kim D.
November 16, 2002
oh my, it does sound like your husband might have a few issues about your
weight lose, and I would like to congradulate you on getting into those
jeans! Stay focused we all need support and encouragement, however if your
not getting it at home, make sure you go to support meetings, us fellow
"losers" will make sure you get it. My husband and son were both
against me having this surgery, they thought this was an easy way out too,
I turned them around by being honest with them. I told them how much I
really weighed! needless to say they were shocked, and I get support from
both of them now. Keep up the good work!
— Rose B.
November 16, 2002
Is he MO or heavy? Might be defensive. Afraid of surgery and you dragging
him kicking and screaming to the OR:( <P> My surgeon says the divorce
rate in couples where one has surgery and the other doesnt is astronomical.
Near 100% over a period of years...<P> Now for me deciding to have
surgery was TERRIBLE and definetewly the pits. Right to the OR table I was
scared to death. But honestly after a month or so recovery WLS is WAY
easier than dieting, at leastr for ME!
— bob-haller
November 16, 2002
I believe its just ignorance. Try to just smile and be strong. Get your
support where you can. This site is wonderful for me. WLS is still not out
there enough. I'll tell you since my surgery, the first 3 mths I could
barely eat. Now my appetite is crazy. I still at meal time have to make the
decision as to whether I'm having chicken and some veges or a cheeze steak
and fries. And I can eat ice cream with no problem but its just as hard for
me right now to say no to it than before surgery. It is still hard. And we
do still have to work the tool we were given. Its not a free ride or magic
surgery and anyone who thinks it is, is mistaken...ignorant! Educate
people. I just wish when we see stories like Al Roker's in the media that
they would explain this. Good Luck!
— Karla K.
November 16, 2002
thanks everyone for your responses he did apologize last night after a
while of not speaking, and then i explained why his statement was not true
or fair to say i think he understood. again thanks:)
— nice n sweet B.
November 16, 2002
I have had similar responses from family members. I feel like I am working
very hard at this. I cannot just eat whatever I want like I did before. I
read labels, count calories, carbs, protein and I exercise. I have to
control my eating just like before. Congratulations on the jeans. Isn't
it a great feeling.
— tulagirl
November 16, 2002
WOW--that was spoken from someone who doesn't understand what WLs is! WLS
is the most effort that anyone could put into weight loss. I feel for you,
I would have been really pi**ed if my husband responded to me like that! i
wish I had something wise to say to you but I just don't.
— jenn2002
November 16, 2002
Your husband could use some sensitivity training. He clearly has no
conception of what you have been dealing with. His reply was cruel,
whether or not he understands the issue. I suggest you might want to get a
little couples counseling; but you should first sit down with him and tell
him how his comment made you feel and see where that leads. Many of us
have had this sort of experience, but it shouldn't be coming from the
person who supposedly loves you more than anyone.
— Arlene S.
November 16, 2002
At the risk of being the sole dissenting opinion AND fully appreciating the
efforts of us who have had the surgery, your husband is not exactly wrong
in his statement. When people have complimented me or made statements
like, "Aren't you so proud?" "Doesn't it make you feel good
about yourself?" I am torn. I realize they mean well, but, I wasn't
ashamed of myself for being fat, so why would I be proud of losing weight?
That's like being proud of beating cancer, or praising myself for taking my
asthma meds. It just reinforces the notion that we have some sort of
control over having gotten so damnably fat, which I patently reject. And
to be really frank, I didn't feel bad about myself, I felt bad that I was
losing my ability to walk and participate in life because of morbid
obesity. Do you see that feeling bad about myself because I was fat is the
equivalent of feeling bad about myself because I have asthma? We keep the
notion alive that if somehow we would just "take control" we
wouldn't be fat. In the greater scheme of things, we never gave up seeking
to cure our illness. And for THAT we deserve kudos...having a disease and
being blamed emotionally and spiritually for it is a burden that really
sucks. Perhaps if you had asked your husband, "Are you happy for me
that I can now fit into these pants?" you might have gotten a
different response.
Either way, I am happy for you and for the rest of us who are recovering
from the killer disease morbid obesity.
— merri B.
November 17, 2002
No one has told me yet to my face that I am taking "the easy way
out" but just in case it ever comes up, I have decided that my
response will be, "No, as a matter of fact, I am taking the ONLY way
out."
My surgery is scheduled for Nov 27 and so far, NOTHING has been EASY,
getting prepared is a lot of hard work and I imagine that it isn't going to
be "easy" for quite a while, if ever!
— Kathy S.
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