Question:
Still a virgin by chioce at 32 years old

I'm a born again Christian who is waiting for marriage. It has not been easy but, I've never really been serious with a guy. I always thought it was my "strong" morals but now I'm scared it was my weight keeping me safe. I've been told by many people how pretty I am even at 300 plus lbs. Whats going to happen after my surgery and the weight starts coming off? It sounds so stupid but I'm afraid of the attention I'll be getting from the other sex. On the flip side it's really going to piss me off when people who would NOT even give me the time of day start treating me like a real person. Do I need to find a head shrinker or is it all part of the healing process. My favorite saying is "God is bigger than the Boogieman" but now before my surgery I'm even even bigger than the Boogieman. Anyone going through the same stuff? And yes even when there is less I'm still waiting. — Amy K. (posted on March 6, 2004)

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March 6, 2004
Well over the years I dated lots of ladies who were NOT interested in anything but hanging out with a friend, in a non romanic way. No doubt my weight was a large factor in that. Having stumbled across those ladies thin I have gotten big hugs from women who well thats the most affection I EVER got from them. This with my wife Jen standing by watching. she thinks its a howl, go figure. But its sad that I spent most of my life single and very lonely largely because of my weight. The world is about to open up for you. Try to find a good guy who would of liked you if you were still MO. The psych doc who approves every patient for my surgeon says theres as much or more emotional and realtionship changes as the physical ones. Its a good sign that your aware of whats going on.
— bob-haller

March 6, 2004
You said. " I'm a born again Christian waiting for marriage.' Well, when you lose weight, you will still be a born again christian (I hope). Turn it over to God. Pray and ask Him to send you a good man who would have loved you thru thick and thin (literally). Tell him what qualties you want in a man. be very specific. I have seen God do this for many ladies. I, too, am a born again Christian and i know that even tho I am a happily married woman, there have been times in my marriage when I recieved attention from men not my husband and it was very hard to stay true to my morals and my God. He is our rock, lean on him. just talk to him like you have posted to us. He is easy. He listens. Just say, "God, I think I am gonna need help with this.
— Delores S.

March 6, 2004
This is why it is important for you to attend support groups before and after surgery. You are about to have a surgery that will change your life forever. Many people hide behind their weight and once it starts coming off they find they are getting more attention from the opposite sex and it can be uncomfortable if you are not used to that. It is sad that people judge us by the way we look and not by what it on the inside.
— Kara J.

March 6, 2004
The times in my life when I've been thin...I have always had a hard time dealing with the added attention from men and in setting boundaries (sex)that come with that. Then I would feel bad about my actions and that would make me want to gain the weight back.Where I would feel safer, more comfortable with myself and not so out of control.Yes I got attention from men when I've been at my heaviest but not nearly as much thin. I had my surgery almost 9 months ago and I knew this was going to be an issue for me.So I sought counseling beforehand. The main thing that I found was that I need to take my weight completely out of the picture because it has nothing to do with the real issue.In my case I used my weight to keep me out of situations that I had a hard time handling and dealing with.The added weight was just an excuse to avoid the real problem.It's been hard but I'm working on how to be responsible for my own actions,behavior and also how to appropriately respond to other peoples(men) actions. I try and remember that while negative attention or negative re-enforcement can seem very gratifying it can also be very damaging.
— jennifer A.

March 6, 2004
Amy, I am proud of the fact that you're thinking of this beforehand. First, you're right that there may be some anger or discomfort from people who would not bother to look at you and "see" the real you until you're thin. Sigh. Comes with the territory of being human and in the US where standards are unrealistic, I think. Second, hold out and keep your standards high. God wants to match you to someone who will love and respect the true, inside you. Pray, pray, and pray some more. Married 25 years, and I'm suddenly getting flirtations from people who've known me forever. Hugs and kisses that were never there before when we greeted one another are coming out of the woodwork. On one hand, the attention is nice, and I firmly thank them for their warmth, then I gently remind them of my DH and how supportive and loving HE's ALWAYS BEEN. I do this humbly and kindly. A few blushes occur on their part at times. Temptation will rear itself during this transformation. Find some memory verses to hold onto. I always think of what Billy Graham says about not being totally alone with someone of the opposite gender, knowing that the devil is lurking to win Christian hearts. Hard to do in our worldly world, but not impossible. Finally, find an accountability partner who will ask the tough questions on a weekly or semi-monthly basis. Good luck and God bless. God is good!
— Mary Ann B.

March 6, 2004
Amy, you are far from being alone in this issue. I could have written this question (but add 10 years). I know that this is a HUGE HUGE (did I mention BIG) issue for me. I am in therapy to deal with this and other life events. I am sure that I will be able to handle the physical issues but emotional is another story. My primary dr even question if I knew how hard it would be for me with men after surgery. She said this not long after she suggested surgery and I agreed to it. My pdoc is chomping at the bit to delve into this. I plan on working through it immediately. Contiue to pray and surround yourself with loving support people that will help hold you up, like Aaron did for Moses.
— jeh

March 6, 2004
well, even worse is losing 130+ pounds, being half the size I used to be. in a size 10 for heavens sake, from a 28/30 and NO ONE is making any passes. Not that I would accept, I am happily married , but I want to be asked even if no is the only answer I would ever give. Maybe I'm wearing a neon "I'm married" sign that I can't see. I think I am a little attractive....
— **willow**

March 6, 2004
I've talked these same issues over with my therapist, my husband, and my God. They all seem to tell me the same thing: I'll handle it fine because I want to! I do get irritated at men who pay me attention now but did not know I existed prior to my weight loss. But, I stop and thank God that they didn't pay me attention before, for now I know how shallow they are. What hurts even more is that there are some women who pay more attention to me (not sexual *G*)....they act as if I am more intelligent, more worthy of being listened to, better to be around. Heck, I had surgery on my stomach, not my brain or personality! One man did make me very uncomfortable for a while. My husband offered to "speak" to him for me, but I declined. I felt I needed to learn to handle this right from the onset, and letting someone else take care of it would not teach me anything. The next time he tried to hug me, I extended my right hand and smiled. He shook my hand, made a hasty exit, and has not tried to hug me again! You have strong morals now and strong faith. They will see you through. As the previous poster said, tell Him that you need some help with this. He'll be there. And, Willow, you are very attractive *G* Before and after! When I first talked to my husband about the attention from me, he told me that it just proved how stupid men can really be....if "they had good sense, they would have always been after you!" Is that sweet or what? (No offense Bob...I know this applies to the women you know, too!) Hugs to all, Linda
— Linda S.

March 6, 2004
Amy, I strongly recommend getting into counseling not because you are crazy but because you will likely want the extra support as you venture into all these new territories. Not dealt with well can sabotage your whole life - I know from personal experience. I was 33 when I decided I probably wanted to live past 40 - assumed I never would because of my weight. I dropped the donutes cold turkey and started walking. I was extremely successful at the weight loss - approx. 200 lbs in 13 months. I did it a very healthy way - 1200 calories and tons of exercise. I did not start out to be exercise obsessed but that's what ended up happening. My decision to lose weight was the right one and not one that any doctor etc. told me to do. However, somewhere along the way I started assuming a relationship would come out of it and then marriage etc. I even had thoughts that maybe my body would work right and I could have a child (severe PCOS since 17 yrs old). All of these were wonderful things however when none of it happened it sent me into a horrible depression. The good news is through counseling and depression meds I was able to bring the dpression under great control, but it took 4-5 years. I also learned tons about myself and found the personal self-esteem I needed. Even as I regained all 200 lbs I no longer cared what anyone thought of my size as I did not need their approval. I was okay with me. I also realized that the reason no man entered my personal life is because I was sending signals of stay away. I was so afraid of being hurt. I had been down that road in my early 20's and did not ever forget it. I'm 43 now and my physical and mental transformation this past 13 months has been amazing. In the process I finally became able to take a small risk to see of my soul mate was out there. I'm not a bar scene person and not the conversationalist of the century, unless it's about work - like that brings them in. In the past I have turned to churches to meet people but again my somewhat non-social personality didn't help. This time I gambles and put a profile on Yahool Personals. I was very upfront and honest and said game players need not respond. I was looking for someone to love and grow old together, not what they could buy me etc. I got a few immediate responses but then nothing for a few months. Finally one brave night I sent ice breakers to 9 men and 2 responded. One said he didn't like dogs, and I have 3 that are not going anywhere, and the other said he loved dogs. We are a very good match for each other. We've both been hurt in previous relationships and just want to build a life together. We are within 4 years in age so we grew up during the same time period and have similar tastes in music etc. We are both pretty practical and well suited but we have enough differences that make each of us unique. We've been together over 4 months now and we have had our ups and downs but we are committed to working things out. This is not a fling for either one of us. This is working towards a lifetime committment. I think waiting till you are married for sex is great if that's what you are comfortable with. It will take the right man who is also willing to wait but then you will know he is as committed to the relationship as you are. However, don't rush into a marriage because the hormones are saying now. It will be tough at times but you've made your decision. My guy and I made a similar committment in that we would not be intimate till his divorce was final, which meant we waited about 2-1/2 months. To some that isn't waiting but to us and how comfortabel we were with each other it was a wait. But this decsion was important to us. If he would have wanted to wait till marriage I would have dealt with it as I know he is worth waiting for. For me the Yahoo personals allowed me to focus in on the right type of person. I know there are game players out there and trust me I had my guard up big time, but as I got to know David it slowly came down. It was clear he was genuine and caring and not out for a roll in the hay. I had not dated anyone else since my WLS, so this was the first relationship in over 20 years. Very scary! However, I am so glad I found the courage to take that one step that evening and send the ice breaker. It has truly changed my life for the better. I foudn a wonderful man and his 3-1/2 yr old son. Try to focus on meeting men in the type of environment that would have men with similar values to yours. There are good, sensitive, caring men out there who truly want a good woman and not a piece of you know what. Good Luck with your surgery and don't be too afraid to take some of those risks as your new body and image emerges. Counseling has been a part of my life since 1995 and I certainly would not have wanted to go down this path without it. I did very well despressionwise, but at about 9 months I had a slight meltdown because I was entering new territory and it was scary. But I got through it with the help of my support system.
— zoedogcbr

March 6, 2004
Amy-I do understand the fears around and the "what ifs" about weight loss and the sudden attention from the opposite sex. When I lost a lot of weight and really started looking "good" I absolutely freaked and regained all my weight! I could not deal with the world without the protection of my extra weight nor did I know how to communicate with men who "came on" to me. Even if they were just being friendly, with not any intent on being otherwise, I would head for weight-gaining food in a panic. I know that I was trusting my fridge more than God for comfort. This time around, I am going to some therapy sessions about my body image and how to cope with social situations I've never handled before. I'm also doing a similar study at my church...a double dose but with different sources. If I can be pretty on the inside, and secure in my Lord's love, and can accept myself, the compliments, the looks from men and whatever else comes my way. I do pray that you find peace, self-love and, sometime in the future, a man to love you very much. Blessings, Rusty
— Rusty2

March 6, 2004
WOW can i relate to this. Altho i posted this before..here i go again. There is a guy here in town that i grew up with, same age, his mom used to babysit me. We have been friends only for all these years (42) he has been married, divorced and has a 13 yr old son who lives with his exwife. I have always felt attracted to him but and had a feeling he felt the sameway thru the years but we never approached eachother. He used to comeover when i would have other friends here for a bbq or movie night and never more then a hug between us. Hes always been very good to me, and very interested in what was going on in my life. Then he stopped coming around..i barely saw him on the road..last couple years before my surgery i became a hermit because of my weight, i couldn't move around and barely could walk at 477lbs without a cane for support and was totally embarrassed to be seen in public. A month or so before my surgery i found out he had been asking my step-mom about me. She told him to come see me, she knew i would love to see him but he never did, but did continue to ask her how i was doing. After my surgery my step-mom told me again how he was asking about me so i desided one day to call him and ask him to come visit me. He seemed happy that i called him and sure enough the next night he showed up on my doorstep with a big hug. He stayed for a few hours, we talked and caught up with things. Well, that was in October of last year and he has come visited every week since, 1-2-3 times a week now. Still nothing more between us but a hug when he comes in the door and leaves. But last week he started touching my arm and shoulder, following me around the kitchen while i was making him dinner (dinner one night a week together now) and i caught his eyes checking me out..and not in a bad way..hes very respectful. Anyway, im not sure if hes showing interest or not now. Im thrilled but scared to death at the sametime. I have never had a serious relationship with a man. And im not a virgin but im not that experienced either. Awhile ago i asked him right out why he stopped coming around and he said he was going thru somethings personal. Still wonder if it was the weight altho i didn't confront him on that subject (maybe i should have). I go to counceling once a week and we are on this relationship subject now...the question is now...Am i afraid of being rejected or afraid i WON'T be rejected!! This i don't know how to answer. All my friends say hes coming out of his shell and wants to be close with me, he has been hurt by women in the past very deep hurt, and now that he has had time to get to know how im acting in this newer body and sees i haven't changed my morals they believe he wants a relationship. LOL sorry for being so long winded but i believe counceling is where you should start. Best of luck to you Sally
— Sally H.

March 7, 2004
As someone who has been obese her whole life, and struggled a lot with that same question pre-op, I feel for your, hon. Although we are in different circumstances (I am married), it is a slippery slope. I feared that people that wouldn't give me time of day before would suddenly be nice to me when I lost the weight. What if I get a job now, that I couldn't get what I was fat? Will I make new friends with people who used to ignore me? Wasn't I "good" enough before? Well, to some extend, that did happen. But it took a while for me to figure out that probably half of that is because I exude a much more positive personality now that I am happier to be HEALTHIER. Frankly, I was not a very fun person to be around when I was sick, unhealthy and obese. I was not mean, but I was unhealthy... both inside and out- almost as if a little bit of my health was chiselling away at parts of my soul, and some people could see that. I should say that though, for all of the new attention that I get now, there are plenty of people that might be jealous or resentful now. Maybe because I am too happy for their liking. Some of them even people I never would've dreamed that reaction from. It is a constant surprise to me. This is why I am a strong advocate before and after WLS. It also helps a lot to help settle some of the issues we have with food and what triggers us to eat what we eat when we eat... and how to control things like "head hunger" in case we don't "dump." Bless you for being strong enough to face these questions now. You are strong enough to handle this all.
— kultgirl

March 7, 2004
While there were a lot of people that did not take the time to know "me" under all my excess weight, I am thank-ful for the ones that did and loved me anyway. There will be some that never gave you the time of day, but now they seem to care and include you in things. It hurts, but on the positive side- it may be YOUR turn to see if they fit "your expectations". Maybe they seem to be shallow, but it is up to you to find out. They could turn out to be "best friend" material or they may not be the kind of friend you want to have. You will change along the way as you lose weight. You're thinking will change in some areas. As far as the "virgin choice" you have made for yourself, Don't worry so much, if you are strong in your choice for the right reasons, losing weight will not make a difference. If God has spoken to hour heart to save yourself until you are married then you should do so. Be true to yourself and keep your head on straight. It seems that you will do just that as you have taken the time to think about the "what if's" and voiced them. take care.
— Rita B.

March 7, 2004
I think your choice to be a virgin is GREAT and even though your obesity might have had a role in this, you are and will be in control of your body. People tend (not necessarily you) to blame everyone but themselves on their own free will of choices. If you want to wait until marriage THAT CHOICE IS STILL UNDER YOUR CONTROL. I have noticed a lot of people who were obese "all of their lives" think romance will be better after WLS. There are "bad" dates regardless of one's size. Hold on to your beliefs, do not place yourself in a position of temptation and do not become discourages or "weaken" by someone who might be deceptive. You may rely on prayer, but I rely on my own inner strengths because I know I have complete control over my actions. Also, a "good" therapist (though hard to find) is always a good idea to help us find our inner self. Good Luck
— Anna M.

March 7, 2004
What ever you do...Keep your faith in God! He will see you through this. as for the way other people are going to treat you? Ya some people who never gave me the time of day before are now saying hello and talking to me. At first I was happy then I was mad, cause after all I am still the same person I was when I was fat. Whats changed that they want to talk to me now? maybe part of it was my looks, but You will find that your attitude will change too. you'll feel more happy and confident in your self and maybe that another reason people are approching us now. Good luck Jodie
— Jodie S.

March 10, 2004
JMHO, it NEVER hurts to talk to a counselor or pastor, this IS a hard adjustment and since you are wondering if your weight has kept you from getting close to people physically/sexually, maybe there's something behind it. And also, there are some people that WILL be nice to you that would not have given you the time of day before. I have struggled with that too. Sometimes a complete stranger is nice to me and I think "he wouldn't have been so nice if I was still 346#". Basically you can't go around mad at people for being that way, it will only hurt YOU. It's sad that some people are that way, but you have to just feel sorry for them for being so jaded or prejudice. Some people are raised that way, some people are that way because they fear being fat, etc. You just can't know what's behind their motivation for their behavior. But don't waste time being angry or give those people free rent in your head. If someone that didn't talk to you before suddenly thinks it's okay to be nice now that you're thinner, ignore them, point it out to them, choose to forgive them, or whatever, and move on, you will only be doing yourself a disservice by feeling angry.
— beeda

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