Question:
How do you handle negative body image?
I've met a guy and we have been dating for a while. Its leading to the point where we are going to become intimate. I find it hard to show him my body because of all of my scarring and stretch marks. I've had my plastic surgery and have the scars on my legs, arms, breasts, stomach, around my butt and also on my pubic area. So far, he has seen some of the scars and has not asked any questions. But he will surely wonder what the ones on my legs are as they go up my inner thigh from my knee all the way up. I don't think he will at all reject me because of this, but just find it hard to explain about them. I mean should I let him see them first? I don't want to tell him about them first because I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I think confidence is sexy and if I tell him about my scars prior its like I'm not confident about how I look. I know my biggest problem is that men compliment me on how "sexy" I am, but I know under my clothes I have the scars and stretch marks which makes me feel "unsexy." — Gay S. (posted on December 26, 2003)
December 26, 2003
If he cares about YOU then it won't be a problem. If he is digging you
then the scars will come up after. If he asks tell him the truth! U had wls
and had skin removal. Big deal. Honesty is the most important factor in a
relationship.
As for your sexy question...Sexy is a state of mind... You didn't lose all
that weight and change your body not to strut your stuff. I felt sexy when
I was big, and I still feel sexy.
— keishax
December 26, 2003
Well here we go again, having to justify ourselves. I don't know about you
but I did that enough in my life. I'm pre-approval for my wls and I am
male so let me tell you from my perspective. I lost interest in the
opposite sex for almost 17 years after a bad break-up of my fiance and I
and after being snubbed again and again because of my appearance since I
had gained some weight after the break-up. We had had intercourse but she
was the last one and so I ended up being "dry" so to speak for
almost 17 years. In March, I met a woman who actually accepted me as I am,
over 400 pounds of me and we connected, spiritually, emotionally and
sexually. We have discussed marriage and are serious about considering it.
She knows about my wls efforts and is behind me and so she is waiting to
see how I feel afterwards about her. I can't see me changing my mind but I
love her even more for being willing to wait.
So what am I saying? Tell him!!!!!! If he is going to focus on your
appearance only, then he isn't who you should want, or if you do, then in
my mind, you need to change your attitude. I expect my attitude and
mindset to change as I go through the process and I hope that I and my
girlfriend are up to it. For me personally, if she is only looking at the
physical me, then I don't want her either.
My point is, I feel so incredibally complete with her that I don;t think my
weight, lack of it, or any scarring will make any difference.
— John O.
December 26, 2003
Gay, I don't think it would show a lack of confidence if you tell him about
them. In a very up-front way you can tell him that you know he's seen some
of your scars and you're sure that he's curious about them so you would
like to tell him what they are. Or not. You can explain it to him without
it being a big deal in a "just so you understand" sort of way.
Hope this helps.
— Pambylah
December 26, 2003
I had some personal issues I was dealing with when I met my husband. I was
so affraid to share with him what I was going through for fear he would
think I'm a quack and run off...but I also knew things were getting serious
and I had to be honest and upfront with him...while discussing it with my
best friend she said to me..."your not giving him enough credit".
I don't know why, but that statement was riviting. He was an incredible
person who had shown himself to me in so many ways how great he was...why
should I have doubted him. I opened up and he didn't think it was a big
deal...I married him 4 years later...60 lbs more than when we met and he is
my soul mate....I Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for having him
in my life...not that there aren't any days he frustrates me beyond belief,
but he is the love of my life! Go for it...sexy is what illuminates from
inside...look what you've accomplished...be proud of yourself and if he is
weird about it...then you are just to good for him.
— nani68
December 27, 2003
I can't imagine why you would be ashamed of taking charge of your obesity
and getting a healthy lifestyle. Well- I guess I can imagine that, but I
would sit down in a low-pressure location where the clothes will NOT come
off and explain everything. If you are that intimate emotionally, and trust
this man, it is time to just explain the history. You have nothing to be
ashamed of. You have taken charge of your health. I think if he is ready
for it ahead of time, there won't be any "big surprises."
<br>
Believe me, as someone with an incredible amount of internal and external
scarring, we are usually the harshest critics of our bodies... <br>
— kultgirl
December 28, 2003
Hi Gay,
I too have a map of scars all over. Any amount of scars can't overpower
the feeling I have now that I am not overweight any longer and in clothes
am very confident in my body! Scars can not be seen in the dark...and if
he seems to have a problem with the scars and not proud of how far you have
come, then you need to show him the door. But I have to say, I am thinking
maybe you don't give this man enough credit. Be confident in yourself and
be proud.
— EMN
January 5, 2004
I understand how you feel. However, scars fade in time. My tt scar is
almost gone completely. The scars on my arms are also fading fast. As far
as the stretch marks, how many women do you know (thin OR fat) who DON'T
have them??? Probably not many. Face it, if your getting ready to be with
this guy intimately, he obviously likes you. Scars are not going to make
him run. If it does, then he wasn't the right person for you to begin
with. If he asks about the scars, if you don't want to tell him about the
morbid obesity, tell him you were in a severe car crash. I know it's not
honest, but I bet he would not even pursue the subject any further.
— Patty H.
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