Question:
my fiancee doesn't like sex
My fiancee of 2 1/2 years has been with me through THICK and thin. I am 1 year and 3 months post RNY, down 165 pounds and looking/feeling great. The problem is, he doesn't want to have sex..ever. He never touches me and never does anything romantic. I am feeling sexier than ever and I am afraid he hasn't caught up with my changed attitude about my self-esteem. I have talked and talked...nagged and nagged. Now what? — Kelly C. (posted on September 27, 2003)
September 26, 2003
was he always like this or is it just since you lost the weight? Might he
have a medical problem and is unable to do whats needed?
— bob-haller
September 26, 2003
I wonder if he's feeling self-conscious about himself now that you are
looking so good? If that's not the case, then it sounds like you have 3
choices:<p>
1 - See a marriage or sex counselor<p>
2 - Live with no sex for the rest of your life (NOT!)<p>
3 - Move on -- he can't expect you to live like that<p>
Good luck to you!
— Lynette B.
September 26, 2003
Was sex an issue prior to surgery? IE, were you because of your weight,
enable to preform sexually? Maybe he's scared he'll hurt you.
On a personal note...I'm terrified my husband won't like my new look (I was
220 when he met me). I'm terrified every day I wake up that he'll leave me
because at the moment I cannot have sex with him. I keep telling him my
surgery is only 6 weeks away.
Best advice...sit down and talk to your fiancee. Ask him flat out what the
deal is...but be kind, don't be defensive. Tell him you love him more than
anything and you want to be close to him and it hurts you that he doesn't
want that as well. There has to be a reason. May not be one you like, but
before you do anything like leave him...find out what's going on.
If he won't talk about, ask him to go see a therapist. Either alone or
with you. Guys are funny...they'll talk about sex if its in the
"guess what my wife did to me last night" sense but not in the
"i am just not in the mood" sense. If it good sex talk, they're
all for it. If not...forgetaboutit.
— Renee B.
September 26, 2003
Ask for a testerone blood test to see if it's a medical problem that can be
easily treated with medication.
— Candace F.
September 26, 2003
All the responses are good ones. I especially am getting the feeling that
he is feeling threatened by your new bod and maybe a little inferior
himself? Good question many have asked : was this a problem when you
weighed more? Does he have a weight problem himself? One more thing: I
have found that men like to be the aggressive one most of the time. For
some reason, they like us to be shy and demure until they can finally
seduce us, then BAM! they want us to be like alley cats when we are
actually in bed with them! In other words, they like a challenge. I know
it is probably not your style to play hard to get, but it does work. When
you are not interested, they can't stand it and want to prove their ability
to win you over. It's a man thang....lol. Some men are scared of
aggressive women. Try being sexy and seductive but don't come right out
and demand sex. It works all the time. And I have been married to the
same wonderful sexy man for 32 yrs....happily I might add.
— Mylou52
September 26, 2003
Kelly, by the way, you are gorgeous! Those blue eyes could win over any
man. Your fiance is a very lucky guy. Maybe he is feeling you will dump
him and find another. Reassure him and let him know you love him without
asking for sex. Then when he feels secure enough to pursue sex, show him
your love for him. Men and women are sooooo different sexually. Men think
sex = love. Women think love = sex. Sometimes for a couple of minutes in
our relationships we are on the same page. You know the old men are from
mars and women from venus, etc. or vice versa. Good luck!
— Mylou52
September 27, 2003
I need to send my guy to your house... he's supercharged... I am the one
with the problem, I don't want him to see all of this extra skin... it's
yucky... I feel great w/ clothes on, but w/o them I feel ugly and aweful...
— MF
September 27, 2003
"he hasn't caught up with my changed attitude about my
self-esteem".... is it possible that he is just being the same he was
before? Why do we expect those around us to change with us? They haven't
had surgery.... they couldn't possibly know how we felt before, nor should
be expected to know how we feel after. Losing weight affects your hormones
immensley. You, yourself, may slow down a bit, once your body is done
dumping all of it's hormones.
— Karen R.
September 27, 2003
I am with MF- I'll send my DH over, postage paid!
In all seriousness, is he depressed or on medications that could effect his
sex drive? If not counseling might be in order-
— ~~Stacie~~
September 27, 2003
i know some men just like big gurls and maybe since you lost wieght hes not
attracted to you anymore sorry if this hurts you in any way
— a C.
September 27, 2003
I am feeling sexier than ever and I am afraid he hasn't caught up with my
changed attitude about my self-esteem. I have talked and talked...nagged
and nagged. Now what?
hon, just a thought , first of all, you have nagged him ?????????/
i dont know of any man who wants to get it on with a lady naggin him
have you , took the initiative, and said, honey, i love you , i really
want to go to bed and show you what this wonderfull new body can do ...
and then , soem of the other things the gals said may be true too ,
sometimes big gals go with guys who prefer big woemen, then all of a sudden
youre no longer a big girl , he has to decide what he wants to do ....
maybe its time to move on , for both of you, it might be a good idea for
you two to go to counseling, find out whats wrong , you know, see if you
two can make it work
theres lots of ups and downs when you lose weight , maybe he just isnt
sure to act ...
i dont know
best of luck !
— bethlaf
September 27, 2003
interesting...this issue was on 20/20 just last night! They got
counciling. One of the main problems with one of the couples...nagging.
Seek counciling, it helps.
— thekatinthehat
September 27, 2003
p.s. do try to get help before just "getting rid of him" like I
think someone else suggested or might suggest. Like YOU said, he's been
with you thick and thin, be sure to give him the same courtesy while he is
going through something.
— thekatinthehat
September 27, 2003
I got three words for you...VI - AG - RA. Good luck!
— rebeccamayhew
September 27, 2003
I've lost 160 lbs and my loose skin is a real turn off. Could that be a
problem for him???
— Danmark
September 29, 2003
okay, I may have missed the band wagon here, but I have an idea. You have
gotten excellent advice, and after you rule out a medical issue or seek
counseling or whatever, and everything checks out...here's what you do: I
agree wih the posters who said that men need to feel like they are
"conquerers" so, what you do is, while you are watching T.V. and
he is sitting on the couch, minding his own business, go to the bathroom
and come back in just a tee-shirt and panties (under the guise of
"just wanted to get more comfy"... then what you do is lie down
on the floor, on your tummy, facing the T.V...very casual. Then, slowly
open your legs just a little, so he gets just the slightest peek at your
bottom and other assorted goodies (sorry folks, but this girl needs help!)
If you have long hair, now is the time to let it down and shake it out a
little, moaning very quietly when you do (like letting your hair down is
the best feeling you've had all day - not unlike when people take their
shoes off after being on their feet all day). While you're watching T.V.,
kick your legs up in a very playful, girlie manner, but slowly so he can
still get a good peek...but never acknowledge what you are doing. If he
doesn't pounce up behind you within 15 minutes, it's time to seek some
serious help...I have other proven ways of asking for sex without ASKING
for sex if you wanna email me...they never fail and I have one happy hubby
at home.
-Erinn
— Erinn D.
September 29, 2003
I am the finacee in your relationship. LOL! I had open roux-en-y 9/25/02
and have lost 140 lbs. I do feel great, sexy, and just plain ol FINE! (If
you get my drift) However, I'm not interested in sex. I don't find my
finacee attractive any more. I used to really enjoy it, but once I had a
hysterectomy I was like welp, I'm so not into this anymore. I love to be
intimate, but I don't need to have sex to do that. I do think a lot of my
personal problem is hormones, and god my sagging girls (breasts) just make
me want to puke! I never knew they could hang like that. WOW! 6 more
months and that'll be fixed. Then ask me how I feel.
I guess my advice for you would be to point blank ask him if he finds you
attractive anymore. Is it that he is working a lot and is just plain
tired? If that's the case pick a day and pamper him. Do something special
for him. I guess I'm tired of hearing well, he doesn't do this, or that.
Well, what are you doing to let him know he's special to you other then
bitching (sorry about the lang.) about no sex. Let him know you are
interested in what's going on with him. The ball is in the middle of the
court. He's not moving toward it, why don't you get it and run with it for
awhile. You may just get his romantic gene kicked into gear.
Just a suggestion. Sometimes when we don't feel good about ourselves, it's
hard to be romantic, or be happy for anyone else. He may just feel really
jealous of your loss. In any case, good luck!
— Rachel W.
September 29, 2003
Kelly, I've witnessed a low-sex/no-sex marriage and they are both unhappy
people. Maybe he needs time to adjust to the new you. Maybe he likes
bigger gals. But he needs to open up to you. If you are nagging, it is
not working. Make sure you talk to him and get him to tell the truth.
Maybe he is having a physical problem. Could be anything. Communication
time.
— mrsmyranow
September 29, 2003
I just want ot say that ERINN -I had to take a COLD SHOWER :)
— ~~Stacie~~
September 29, 2003
Is he over weight? Maybe hes not happy with himself and doesn't want you to
see that. There are so many maybes out there. I would just talk to him not
nag him and see where that goes. If no where then maybe you can try a
marriage counsler. sometimes having someone out side looking in can help.
Good luck!
— spring A.
October 1, 2003
ERINN DC- you're a HOOT!!! You ought to write a HOT! HOT!!romance novel.
You go Girl!!!
— bufordslipstick
October 1, 2003
It's tough when two people don't have the same sex drive. My ex NEVER
wanted it, and I ALWAYS wanted it! After 7 years of arguments, we finally
divorced, and now I have been married to the man of my dreams for 6 years.
He is 55, and still likes to make love almost EVERY day! This was the
answer to my prayers, but now since the surgery, it seems as if my sex
drive has been zapped. Somedays I am just as into it as he is, but most of
the time, I would rather read a book! What is up with that??? I wish you
all the best anyway!
— T. 263
Click Here to Return