Question:
Is she jealous of me?
I told my friend about my upcoming plan to have the RNY surgery and she is against it. She prefers to have natural weight loss and I explained to her why I need to have it because my diabetes will be cured and also I need to have it to lost weight so I can be ready for the total knee replacement surgery. She changed the subject. Is she jealous of me? She is the one of my dearest friends. We have been overweight for the years. She lives in the east coast and I live in Nebraska. I have not seen her for nine years but we often chat online three times a week. — danette (posted on December 10, 2002)
December 9, 2002
I'm dealing with someone that is also not being very supportive. You're
right in thinking she is jealous. You two have been overweight together
and now you're about to abandon her for a new, healthier, thinner life.
Give her time to get used to the idea. Just realize that she's battling
her own "demons" right now and is facing her own unhappy
realities. Do find other people that you can share this new phase of your
life with though. Good luck!
— Karen H.
December 9, 2002
Your friend probably isn't meaning to portray her feelings so evidently.
The reality is, most people when they change something in their life in a
major way, change their friends also. IE: Drug addicts, alcholics....you
get the picture. You loosing weight and her not, she feels like you will
be abandoning her. There is one thing I have found in also being over
weight is that others experiencing the same problem have more compassion
then any others in life. We know what its like and sympathise with others
in the same boat. Reasure your friend, that you will not leave her on the
side of the road. I always said "My husband will love me fat or
skinny, so lets get one when I am fat and then when I am skinny, he will
still love me. lol" Good luck and communicate with your friend a lot!
— Brooke B.
December 9, 2002
She may not be jealous, but concerned. Surgery is a major undertaking and
a very personal decision. My decision to have the surgery came about in an
effort to convince my mother NOT to have it. Education was the key to my
decision. Give her a chance to come around, but make your own decision.
Good luck.
— Rhonda V.
December 9, 2002
I think that when you have someone who's also been overweight with you,
this may "bond" you with them. Once you've lost the weight, the
"bond" is now gone. You need to decide if the reason you were
friends to begin with was just about the weight issue. If so, your
probably not going to have this person as a friend once you've lost the
weight. If there are things other then weight that cement your friendship,
then you should focus on those things right now rather then the surgery and
the weight.
— Patty H.
December 9, 2002
My personal opinion is that your friend does not understand the procedure
and you can educate her on it. Maybe a spark will go off in her head that
it may be an option for her, but I wouldn't tell her that - just plant the
seed. At this point I don't detect any jeolousness just concern and lack of
knowledge. Before I looked into it fully I too felt this is just too
drastic and I probably would have reacted against have my friend do
something this serious. After the surgery and your reports of success - if
her reaction continues to be negative - then yes I'd think she was jeolous.
— Sally P.
December 9, 2002
Have you visited the Iowa/Nebraska support group website? The address is
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/OSSG-IOWA-NEBRASKA/messages. Hope you can
join us! Robby
— Robby E.
December 9, 2002
hiya! Not knowing you or your friend I cannot answer for certain if she is
jealous but my "best friend" told me before i had the surgery
that she didn't think we'd be friends afterwards because i "would
change." i didn't think anything of that comment but eventually the
friendship ended. we too had being overweight in common tho she was not
nearly as heavy as me...when i had my surgery she chose to lose weight
through diet and she lost around 50lbs - i felt guilty because i felt like
i 'd taken the "easy way"...and i admit that during that first
year post op i was very self centered -- it was so bizarre to literally be
shrinking...she joked at one point that she should buy me a mirror and i
agreed with her but that was around 11 mos post op and that was the first
time she said anything about how i was acting. i tried to be a better
friend and center conversations around her and not even say anything about
my weight loss or how i was feeling but by then she had already given up
the relationship. it hurt terribly especially because she made up a lot of
excuses and outright lies ... my husband thinks that she is/was jealous. i
think that has a definite part in it. people who haven't been morbidly
obese only to lose their excess weight don't know what it's like -- there
are so many changes physically and mentally -- and they can't be expected
to understand. i heard in support groups that most people will lose at
least one friend who also struggles with weight because when you are both
obese/overweight you ahve a strong bond...look at how society treats fat
people! we used to joke about having a show called "2 fat chicks"
and we were the first to point out our "fatness" and laugh about
it. suddenly that was gone...we couldn't go out and eat away our sorrows
together -- she still got the all fried meals while i nibbled on protein
foods...
i hope that things work out with your friend. maybe you can ask her to go
to a few wls support group meetings in her area as your "support
person" so she can learn about the procedures and what you'll be going
through. i thought i had a strong relationship but i guess i was wrong.
maybe she could log on to an online group and you two could hang out in the
chat room together so she can talk to others who've gone through what
you're doing.
i hope things work out for the best for you.
good luck,
kate
open rny 6-14-01
pre op: 268lbs
goal: 135lbs
current: 126lbs
— jkb
December 10, 2002
I am not sure if she is jealous, maybe just concerned. A lot of my friends
had similar reactions, but now everything is fine. We talked a lot about
it, they researched it on their own, and now they are so supportive. It
may not be their choice, but they are great with it being mine.
— Kristin L.
December 10, 2002
I'm sure its a combination of ignorance about the surgery, jealousy and a
little fear. Fear for you and a little fear of you being skinnier than she
is.
My "best friend" who is also overweight (but I was bigger and
made her look good standing next to me)of 10 years was very supportive, AT
FIRST. She knew how much I had struggled over the years with my weight. We
would diet and workout together with her losing weight and me doing the
exact same thing and not lose a pound. So, right after the surgery and I
dropped about 50lbs, I noticed she started distancing herself from me.
Would not return calls, emails, etc. I finally confronted her about it and
asked what the problem was. I SUGGESTED that it was about my losing weight.
She flew off the handle and said I was 'rubbing it in her face and would
NEVER congratulate me since I took the easy way out and didn't do it by
diet and exercise'. We had the emails flying back and forth after that!
Over the past year, I've tried to contact her, I've apologized for the
things I said, but have got no response from her. Well, its her issue and
her loss just as its your friends issue she has to deal with. I feel that
if my 'best friend' was a true friend, she would've stuck by me literally
thru thick and thin.
— Kris T.
December 10, 2002
hi there, i think it may be a combo of fear, jealousy, ignorance, just like
the other posters mentioned. its quite a change one goes through after wls
and some friendships may change or even end. my best friend and i had the
same surgery with the same surgeon. it has been wonderful, weve been
through so much together and now to share this is incredible too. i
wondered how the other would feel say if i did good and she had
comlications or if i didnt lose and she did. and vice versa. although ive
lost more, its becuase i was bigger. shes not lost as much but shell be to
goal sooner. we are both very happy for each other and there is no negative
at all. its been a good thing and i am very greatful. best of luck to you.
:)
— carrie M.
December 10, 2002
WLS sounds so extreme to people. It frightens them; it confuses them; and
they don't want anyone they love to die. Having my loved ones review this
website really helped them overcome their fears.
— Kathy J.
December 10, 2002
Hi,
I just wanted to say that it sounds like maybe your friend has her own
weight issues? Regardless, I hope you have someone closer to you that will
be positive about your surgery. It's so exciting to think that you are
going to do something to so positively change your life! I'm happy for you!
— Kimberly S.
December 10, 2002
I had the same problem. I have had a friend for over 20 years, we were
both overweight all through high school, college, marriage and divorces.
(we also married brothers and divorced them). Our frienship has continued
to grow through thick and thin. She had a complete canniption fit when I
told her about it. I analyzed this for quite some time and came up with
the fact that she was afraid she was going to lose her overweight comfort
friend. Still now 2 1/2 months later she doesn't want to hear about my
progress. She lives 4 hours from me and we communicate via email whenever
I give her a status report she NEVER even acknowledges it. I love her
dearly, but she is jealous. She says you can be healthy and overweight.
LOL. she will eventually get over it I hope. Lots of luck to you! (RNY
9-25-02 down 63 lbs.)
— April A.
December 10, 2002
Your decision to have this surgery needs to be made by you and you alone.
Noone close to you will ever understand your decision to have surgery. I
experienced this same type of thing, but it was with my husband. He was
totally against it and I made up my mind that this surgery is for me and my
health. Just see if she will support you, not your decision to have
surgery. Keep your head up, keep going for your goals and make yourself
feel better (overall). Best wishes!!! You will not regret your decision
to have surgery!
— Kody O.
December 12, 2002
DEAR DANETTE,
YOUR FRIEND IS SCARED, YOUR CONFERMING WHAT SHE ALREADY KNOWS.
BEING OVERWEIGHT IS A DEATH SENTENCE. SHE IS PROBABLY NOT FAR BEHIND YOU
AND SHE HAD COMPANY IN HER SUFFERING BEFORE. SHE PROBABLY SEES YOU AS
LEAVING HER AND TO HER ITS SOMETHING SHE CAN'T ACCEPT. SHE PROBABLY IS
SCARED FOR YOU TOO. IT SEEMS SO EXTREEM TO PEOPLE ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING
IN. THEY DON'T SUFFER WITH THE HEALTH ISSUES WITH US.
— ANNAJEAN
Click Here to Return