Question:
My DH told me that pre WLS he was really bothered by my weight.
Mow that i'v elost nearly 1-- pooounds, my DH says that pre-WLS he was thinking of telling me that either I lost the weight or I lost him. He says my being so heavy scared him, and that he was afraid I'd end up like my mom, who was MO and died at 52 of a massive heart attack. I'm not sure how that makes me feel. I know he was concerned about me, but he was also worried about how my weight affected him...I guess it just kind of hurt, maybe because he's so tall and skinny, he has no idea what it's like to be heavy, especially mo. — [Anonymous] (posted on October 5, 2001)
October 5, 2001
Before I had my surgery, it came to the point where my husband (also tall,
thin and VERY healthy) was telling me he couldn't keep watching me slowly
die. He was convinced that I would end up with major complications (blind,
losing limbs, etc.)from diabetes, mostly because even with 3-5 insulin
shots a day, I was still having control problems with my blood sugars. I
had severe asthma, couldn't breathe very well, couldn't walk much at all, I
was on medical leave from my teaching job, because I couldn't do that even!
I didn't have WLS because of that, but I realized that he was right. He was
watching me die, just as we watched my mom die. We both hated watching my
mom die and I don't blame him for not wanting to watch me do the same. He
didn't really have any ideas, he just knew we had to do something. I was
hurt at first, knowing that my weight was an issue with him, but it was
really the fact that my health was so horrible because of the weight. I
guess the point is, you are not alone. Many of our spouses, whether they
tell us or not, are very concerned about our health, and of course, we
can't discount the effect of our weight on our health. I truly believe that
if I could have been a healthy 250 pounds, my hubby would have been fine,
but that was impossible. He is my biggest supporter, and although he
comments on how nice I look now, his most frequent comments are about how
much less medication I'm on, how much less frequently I'm in the hospital
and how I'm off the insulin now, and my blood sugars are fine. You know
your husband. I'm sure you can understand how he would be worried. Your
weight DOES affect him as well as yourself. I'm sure you didn't do WLS for
anyone other than yourself, but you should realize that your weight does
(did)affect those you love and who love you. Try to be glad that your
husband is concerned enough to voice his feelings. Good luck, and I hope
you don't feel hurt for long.
— Maria H.
October 5, 2001
I also recently had my husband open up to me about his feelings before my
wls and my recent 73 pound weight loss. When I met my husband I was a size
8, and through the last 14 years I got up to a size 26/28 at my highest,
and a size 22/24 right before my surgery. I was a brittle diabetic, have
hypothyroid disease,PCOS, high blood prssure, among other diabetes related
conditions. He has always been so supportive and non judgemental, and that
has helped me cope with my struggle with my weight all these years. Never,
ever did he ever say one derogatory thing, nor did he turn away from me. He
always told me I was beautiful! So it did surprise me recently when I asked
him how he was feeling now that I am in a size 12 and starting to look like
I did when we met. I asked him to be completely honest. His answer was that
he was very relieved that my blood sugars have become normal and that I
have a chance to live a longer life because he and the children really need
me. What really shocked me was that when I pressed him for more he admitted
that when I would binge at night, two hours after we had eaten a huge
dinner, almost every night, he would be a bit turned off by it and wonder
how I could do that to myself.He said that it wasn't the way I looked at
allthat ever bothered him, and I beleive that, but the fact that he
couldn't understand how I could actually eat so much and also how I could
sabatoge myself like that. I didn't let on that it hurt me because I did
ask for it,and I struggled for a few days with the fact that I did disgust
him in some way. Then I started to think about what it would be like
looking in on myself while eating the way I used to, and I myself would be
pretty grossed out. As a matter of fact, I thought about how I felt every
time I binged that way and I was always pretty horrified at myself. I
realized that my husband was human also and that if I was unhappy with my
eating behaviors, how could expect that it wouldn't affect him also? He saw
me self destruct by eating in that way and I realize that of course that
would bother him. I also know that when he comes home with his pint of Ben
and Jerry's ice cream now and eats the whole thing, I am a little grossed
out! I have in my heart accepted that he was brave for being so honest and
that I can't expect that all these years he was happy watching what I did
to myself, and I am thankful now that he has always been my source of
strength and support, especially through the last 4 months. Forgive your
husband for having those feelings pre - wls and move on and enjoy your life
together, he is there for you and in reality he stuck by you through it all
so he must love you very, very much! We are pretty lucky to have our
supportive, loving husband's who are also able to be honest and open with
us, that is what a good relationsip is all about! Lots of luck.
— Vicki K.
October 6, 2001
I think that you should be happy that you and your husband have a strong
and intimate relationship where he can tell you the truth. You have to
remember that for years he watched you basically trying to destroy yourself
with food. Watching your mother die and then worrying that you were next.
He didn't tell you that he wasn't attracted to you but that he worried
about your health. Yes it is hard for the tall and skinny to understand
how completely difficult it is for us but he hung in there with you. Give
him a break he is going through changes just as you are.
— Elizabeth A.
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