Question:
Hidden non-support?

Has anyone found a solution to the problem of family members who tell you that they support your decision to lose weight or have WLS but then constantly undermine your efforts? Like always baking your very favorite cookies and leaving them "to cool" on the counter. Or making sure to get up early enough to make you breakfast even when you tell them that you don't want a big breakfast, just a weight-loss shake will do. I know he loves me and he says he is concerned about my weight and comorbidities, but ... I've tried to talk to him about it and he just gets a hurt look and pouts for days. I think he is afraid that if (no, when) I lose weight, I won't want to stay with him. (He suffers from self-esteem problems) What can I do to help him help me? Kimberly    — MoabMama (posted on February 12, 2005)

February 12, 2005
Hi Kimberly, I had (have) that same problem with my husband, I just reassure him EVERYDAY that I couldn't AND DONT WANT TO picture my life without him in it. LOL, I have even been cooking like a mad woman since my surgery. Food is the way to a mans heart, and mine appreciates the extra effort I put into his meals, buy this I mean, I am cooking healthier than ever, (lots of grilled fish, chicken, and staying away from the fatty foods) and making new ways to suprise him at the dinner table...as well as in other areas of the house. (wink). I hope this helps, I know I am in the same boat with you. Good luck hun! Melanie
   — Melanie W.

February 12, 2005
Has it occurred to you, that perhaps you may not want to stay with him when you lose weight?
   — lindarodham6

February 12, 2005
Oh, when I read your post I thought I had written it! I never realized until after the WLS that my husband expressed his love for me by buying me certain foods that he knows I love, or making me meals as a treat when I didn't feel like cooking - although I had the surgery and changed my mindset, he is still in the same habits (can't teach an old dog new tricks), as far as trying to please me (sometimes I think reward me) with fancy food that I no longer want to eat. We have thrown away more food in the past year and a half, but it just doesn't seem to get through to his head that I no longer can eat many of the things that I used to love - either by choice or that my body just doesn't like them any longer. I have no feeling that he is worried I won't find him attractive, as we are "oldsters"...I'm 52 and he is 56 and we are too used to each other to even think about breaking in a new partner...in my case I really think it is a way he shows love and his head has not caught up with my new lifestyle. By the way, when I had my surgery, he weighed 185 lbs....he found some of my lost weight and is now at a very unhealthy 205 for which he is following my diet FINALLY and it is working well. Good Luck to all of you for continued success in your weight loss journey.
   — DorrieB

February 12, 2005
I have experienced the same thing and how we talked it together is that he is eating the same things I am now. Just in larger portions than me. LOL! We are both trying to get healthy together by sharing protein drinks, eating healthier than we did before and once in a while "cheating" together. We constantly reassure each other and find new ways to surprise each other. The turn to this new cooperation came after he watched me have a serious dumping episode. Now he is always questioning what he gives me as far as food. Eventually it will become second nature but right now it takes effort on both of our parts. Of course now he is deployed and he is gonna get used to eating rich food from the mess halls and eating on the local market and then he will come home to me and my new healthy ways but hopefully my smaller body size will give him incentive to follow in my shoes. LOL! I guess we have been together for so long than neither of us could imagine life without the other so even though it is a thought in the back of the mind, it does not weigh heavy on our thoughts. I guess we are lucky in that respect.
   — MagickalMom

February 12, 2005
Yes i have a man just like that he tells me he will help me but all ways got fat foods in the house i try to talk to him i have cryed about it but he just dont see i need some one to talk to so i went to my paster will he tells my x husben and his wife all i told him will i dont tell any one now anything i cant it hart me to be talked about like that will i know how you fill hope you get what you need go to god ok .
   — mildred P.

February 12, 2005
My husband and I lived to eat junk food. Our favorite was going out of town and finding a White Castle or Krsipy Kreme. A few weeks before my surgery, BTC gave me a shopping list I bought everything on the list took it home and made my cupboard - your cupboard. Now we have our cupboard --it just worked out that way over the last two years and the cupboards arent filled with junk food--other than holidays, I ask him not to bring home sweets etc. He has a weight problem, high blood pressure etc so its pretty easy to justify why the stuff shouldnt be in the house. Things have worked out well and I have had to really work on my willpower too. In past years it was just too easy to blame him for my bad eating habits. We have been married for 31 1/2 years. You will be going through lots emotional issues over the next year or so when the weight comes off. I would see a counselor...if he wants to go fine but you need to go for counseling to help you to adjust and then you can make life changing decisions. Best wishes
   — debmi

February 12, 2005
Wow Linda, that was a big conclusion to jump to.<br><br>Kimberly, if the two of you don't address the issue now it will only get worse. You guys need to talk about the underlying issues and work them out, even if it means seeking the help of a counselor. WLS is very stressful on a marriage especially if you have a husband that 'pouts for days'. Avoiding the situation will only bring larger frustrations in the future. ~~Rebecca
   — RebeccaP

February 13, 2005
I want to know just ONE thing.... How in the world do you ladies get your husbands to cook for you ??? I can not get my husband out from in front of the TV long enough to feed his dogs, let alone cook a meal for ME. You don't have to eat what your husband cooks. Just say "NO"....and cook for yourself.
   — cindirella

February 13, 2005
Hi Kim, I was in your shoes with EVERYONE in my life, except my son (sad but true.) It got so bad with my husband that I finally sat down and told him that I HAD to do this for me. I explained what I was tired of feeling like and explained how I felt this would change my self-esteem and add back into our marriage. I told him that with my comorbid factors, I was a walking time bomb as it is and I wanted to be happy, healthy and ALIVE for a lot more years. He really listened to what I was saying and did a complete 180* with his view of the surgery. I think sometimes we do so much reseach and learn so much that we forget the "mis information" that a lot of other people have been exposed to. Hopefully this helps and BEST WISHES. Laurie
   — l P.

February 14, 2005
Since your husband suffers from low-self esteem, couples counseling would be a great idea, along with bringing him to meet your surgeon and going to a support group with him. Good luck to both of you and keep loving each other! Happy Valentines Day!
   — Patricia R.

February 14, 2005

   — Kasey

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