Question:
I need help with some good comebacks. ~sorry it's long~

Hi AMOS family! Love you all! I need your advice on how to best handle negative comments I receive on a regular basis. In the past 18 months I have gone from 315 to 123 (I am 5'5", so that makes me about a size 6 or 8), and I am THRILLED with my success. I think I look fabulous when I look in the mirror. I get fabulous compliments from my immediate family (husband, parents, sister & brother-in-law). I have a great support system. My problem is this. For the past couple of months I have been hearing from (whom I can only perceive as jealous) extended family & friends that I look "too thin" and need to "stop losing weight". What galls me is no one ever said anything about my weight when I was 315 pounds, but suddenly now that I'm 123, it's OK? I don't think so! I am basically a polite person, and am just sick of calmly responding that "my body will find it's correct weight & level out" or "my doctors and I are pleased with my success". I understand that losing 192 pounds is a drastic change in my appearance, BUT the hurtful comments I receive come from people I see at least once a month, and I am tired of being nice. If anyone has any snappy comebacks that I could try, I would appreciate it. Thanks in advance! — klinzey (posted on May 26, 2004)

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May 25, 2004
I would just tell them well me my dr and my family that means something to me thinks I look wonderfull also if this person is larger than you I would add oh by the way I have some clothes that are to BIG for me now that you are welcome to if they will FIT you. I lost a so called friend due to my WLS and after losing 123pds cause I am nowway smaller than her she would say other things to me it was lie she was trying to pisse me off so w would not be friends no more so finaly I had enough of it and told her off and we have not spoken since then Take Care Huggs Beth
— wildbrat

May 25, 2004
Some folks are HONESTLY concerned for our safety, they worry we might just keep getting thinner and blow away in a breeze. This group needs educated told our bodies kniow when to quit loosing. Then we have the negative ones, my step mom is one:( She was a PIA about my weight before I EVER heard of WLS. Post op she should of been happy for me. Instead her biting comment you didnt need surgery was a bad moment. That was more about her, since she is MO, and my step sister who is MO too. You MUST realize some of these comments are more about the people themselves, than about you. I at near 3 years out IGNORE the small minority of negatrive comments. I DO work HARD to be a long term success! That helps make the negative people look bad, while I look good!
— bob-haller

May 25, 2004
It eventually gets better. I use to just agree with them... "yes, I'm done now". Then go on and lose what I wanted to (which wasn't as much as you BTW. Congrats!)
— mom2jtx3

May 25, 2004
just tell them you are the correct weight for you height and weight by your doctors charts. you could also say "i don't think you would think i was too thin if you wouldn't have known me at 315, but instead only knew me as a normal weight person. but if it really gets on your nerves why not say " nobody ever commented when i was 315, but now everyone thinks they have a say in my health". i won't think of someone telling me that i have lost too much weight as hurtful. i would think of it as a compliment if they said it in a concerned way. if they said it in a nasty rude way....their just jealous....smile, hold your head high and walk on. BUT if they really piss you off.....after they make a comment give them a 3 second stare right in the eye and walk off without saying a word...they will get the point to shut up.
— franbvan

May 25, 2004
The best compliment I ever got was "Your too skinny" my answer - you can never be too skinny or too rich! Just grin and bear it, are you happy, that's all that really matters. Stacey
— Stacey F.

May 25, 2004
I can't wait for those kind of comments I am still dealing with "Why would someone do that to themselves" my answer is "I want to live to see my son graduate high school and see him marry and have children." After all a parents best revenge is spoiling grandchildren then sending them home. Just say Thank you and best part is the years I have added to my life.....Nancy
— nefish

May 26, 2004
I get that all the time from my sisters-in-laws and also form my 15 year old daughter, I just let it go in one ear and out the other!!!!!!!
— bikerchic

May 26, 2004
WOW! I can't wait to hear those comments! I would say "you know, I never get tired of hearing that. It is the best compliment anyone could ever give me!!"" and I bet they would stop saying it.
— jennifer S.

May 26, 2004
I've never experienced the "you look too thin" yet, but I have heard when will you stop losing or how? or you've lost enough. I ignore them and say Thanks I feel wonderful too! more questions and I just repeat myself. Good luck
— debmi

May 26, 2004
I just HAD to respond to you post,,because I was going to post one VERY simular- I'm anxious to see more replies- A little about me....I was fat my ENTIRE life, fat baby, fat kid,fat teen(boy that was rough) and fat adult. On Nov 18th 2002 I wobbled into surgery standing 5'8" and 327lbs. I was wearing size 30/32- Now about a year and a half later, I'm 149lbs with a normal BMI, wearing size 10 and getting ready for a tummy tuck and breast lift June 30th...ANYWAYS- While I was losing weight, everyone was very supportive- But for the past few months- My family will not stop nagging me about how "thin" I am- I used to update them daily (with joy) about my weight loss. now I keep it to myself, or I'll get the evil eye- I just can't figure it out ! My Dr. said my weight is JUST FINE- and I could even lose like 10-15 more pounds before I'd be considered (underweight) For the first time in my life I look "normal" and yet I'm getting grief ! Once in a while someone will say to me "your going to blow away" or something like that...I can laugh that off..But a few weeks ago, it got back to me that "the girls" were talking about how "concerned" they were for me, how I was looking ANOREXIC- and using words like "malurished"...grrrrrrrrr I was SO upset..but then I thought about it...and ALL the "girls" are OVERWEIGHT- I guess it jealousy ?? Oh heck, they call all buzz off.....................but what I'm curious about, is how you all handle your loved ones, the ones who REALLY do care about you- my poor mother thinks I'm "skin and bones" I'm by ALL MEANS, not a skinny women (nor do I want to be) they are telling me that I'm heading on the track to an eating disorder (because I'm so careful about what I eat)..I guess they are just used to me shoving whatever/whenever I want into my mouth- Ughhhh- I need some "comebacks" as well !!
— WABBIT F.

May 26, 2004
Kelly - I get a lot of the same comments, mostly from people that I work with. It's almost like they are angry that I'm getting thinner. I just went for plastic surgery and, before going, shared this information with some that I'm closest to and the response I got from everyone is, "You don't need a tummy tuck, there will be nothing left of you". I answered honestly by saying, "Honey, it's all about the undergarments, they're magic!" Which would make them laugh. Cuz the women know that this is true and the men don't know what to think so we all get a laugh out of it. If someone says something to me that I think is mean spirited or meant to put a spotlight on me that makes me uncomfortable, I just completely change the subject to something totally unrelated to what's being discussed. This usually lets everyone in the conversation know that I have NO interest in having a discussion about my weight or my size or what I eat. It has worked wonderfully. Like if someone is focused on my weight, I'll say something like, "Hey, did you all see that article online about......" or some other completely unrelated topic. Everyone has to stop for a moment to re-group which helps everyone realize that it's time to move on. I keep a couple of these conversation changers handy in my head - ones that will work in any situation. I did have one woman, at a luncheon, that would NOT get the hint. She's been someone that comments every single time that she sees me how skinny I'm getting and it's obvious that she's angry about it. She is unaware of my WLS. Anyway, she was sitting at another table during the luncheon and after it was over and people were mingling, she came to our table and pulled up her own chair to join 6-8 of us and sat right in front of me and said, "Now, tell me what you ate for lunch today. I want to see your plate. What did you eat and how are you losing all this weight?" I was MORTIFIED. There were 2-3 people at my table who are the size I was before WLS and not only was I uncomfortable but they were uncomfortable too. I tried to laugh it off and used one of my conversation changers. It didn't work. Every single time I tried to change the subject she went right back to making a scene. I told her that this was not the time to have this discussion, that we could talk about it later. She would not stop. I finally just got really, really direct and looked at her straight in the eye and said, "Lisa, I am not comfortable having this conversation. Let's talk about it later." Would you believe, she still wanted to make a scene. Finally, someone else at the table stepped in and changed the subject for me by asking her a question that she had to answer and then everyone else joined in and helped move the conversation along. Once the conversation was successfully on another topic, I got up and moved to mingle with others. That's been the most uncomfortable public moment I've had in the past year. Good luck to you in finding what works for you to deal with the clods of the world!
— [Deactivated Member]

May 26, 2004
No comebacks here, sorry, I am usually quiet. The best comment is from my mother, you look pale. Yea mom it's 10 degrees in February why are you pale?
— gary viscio

May 26, 2004
One other thing to remember... since we're losing alot of weight quickly, alot of us do have a kind of "gaunt" or drawn look at first. Someone on the grad list once called it the "gaunt crackhead" look. It goes away as your skin plumps back up, but for the first year I did look pretty haggard. This may be what people see and think we're getting too thin. (Some of them anyway, but the other ones are just jealous :-P)
— mom2jtx3

May 26, 2004
Why do we always assume that people are jealous of us when they say something negative? Some people aare just thoughtless. I understand that it's annoying to hear, though, so why not come back with something like, "Tell you what. You stop being a moron and I'll stop losing weight." That should be good for a few more months of losing weight, easily.
— jenn_jenn

May 26, 2004
Sadly, it probably is just thoughtlessness... but I usually have a smart comment: 1. They ask: "Do you have an eating disorder or something?" My answer: "Not anymore - I did when I ate 2,000 calories per meal like a lot of people. The AMA would consider THAT an eating disorder! How are YOU doing???" 2. They ask, "How much are you going to lose? You're wasting away!" (I am at my doctor's goal, and lucky to be alive, and about 20 pounds from the "ideal" weight for my height. I have a bit of muscle, too.) My answer: "Well, the doctors say this weight is just right, but I will stop when I lose another 50 or so. I am thinking of going into modeling." 3. They ask, "Do you have cancer or AIDS or something?" My answer, "I don't know - do you want to come to the doctor with me and find out, and nurse me back to health? It's great knowing I will be able to count on your support!" You get the idea. Thankfully I have only had to be so snotty at family reunions! LOL. But let's remember that being insensitive works for WLS patients too - I have heard new people to our group ask others if they are on the waiting list - when the sweet person has already lost a great deal of weight. How devasted would we be? Grrrrrr! Sometimes EVERYONE just needs to take a breath before speaking, and smile and be really nice! Have a great National Grump-Out Day! http://www.smilemania.com/pages/517558/index.htm
— kultgirl

May 26, 2004
Some people are really concerned and others are jealous or curious. It takes a while for the WLS patient's mind to catch up with how their body looks. Many WLS patients see themselves heavier than they are. I think it takes other people a while to erase that fat person, so they are always comparing you to the size you were before surgery. This is such a dramatic difference that people think something has to be wrong. Explain that you are following your weight loss plan and are VERY successful!!!
— dianne E.

May 26, 2004
I look them right in the eye and my standard response is as long as my lab work is okay, I think my doctor has me on the right track! Don't you?
— Cathy S.

May 26, 2004
First, congrats on the wonderful weight loss..you have done very well. Your right, for those who watched you go from 315 to 123, the loss is dramatic and I can understand their comments. I certainly would not look at their comments as negative! How many of us when we were pre-op would have killed to hear that you look too thin, instead of seeing all the veiled and avoidance looks we got when obese. I would not consider comments that you look too thin or need to stop losing weight as negative or hurtful. They shouldn't bother you...I still love it when people comment on my weight loss or say you don't need to lose any more weight. Just smile and say thank you. Paula O however had a great answer. Just change the subject to a totally different subject-I can imagine that would throw people off and get your message across loud and clear.
— Cindy R.

May 26, 2004
I get those comments too. Every day! It's annoying after awhile but I don't have any snappy comebacks either. That just isn't my nature but somedays I sure wish it was. Even my parents say stuff. I'm 6' tall and 165 give or take 2 pounds in either direction. I wear a size 8 or a 10 depending on manufactururer and I am in the normal range for my height. I feel good. I think I look pretty good except my excess skin, yet i keep getting negative remarks. I actually get more negative ones then positive. I do think some of it is from what an earlier poster said about our skin. We sort of have to settle in to it or something. I've heard that before to and it sort of makes sense. One of my coworkers told me to start drinking a milkshake for breakfast every day. I'm like I think not. Another one asked me why hadn't I quit loosing yet. Gee where were they when I gained on a daily basis. People love you to be the fat person but let you start looking better and smaller then they do, then just watch out.
— Carrie D.

May 26, 2004
Seems like there are a lot of us who face this. I face it more so with my immediate family (except my husband). I went from 269 to 128 (5'6, size 4). I hear from family mostly "are you still losing weight" or "I hope you're not losing any more weight" and "you could put on about 10 pounds." I just smile and say "I'm thrilled about my weight. If you saw me walking down the street you wouldn't think I was too thin...you just aren't used to seeing me this way." I also constantly tell my mom the only way I want to gain 10 pounds is of pure muscle!! I also have to deal with jealousy issues unfortunately. It really does get to me sometimes, but I just go back to my ever-supportive husband and he makes me feel much better!
— emilyfink

May 26, 2004
I tell people, that at 5'7" and 135, wearing a size 6 on the bottom and 8's and 10's in dresses, I am hardly ematiated. I also say I must be dong something right, as my bloodwork is perfect and my cholesterol has gone down over 100 points. You could say "I'd rather be slim this way, than have to deal with the health problems and taking all the meds I took as a pre-op". I can't stand it anymore, either. I think people aren't used to seeing us this way. A friend of mine has a 13 year old daughter that lost 40 pounds quite quickly, and it was shocking when I saw her for the first time, so I can only imagine what people think when they see me after a long while. All I know is I am loving it and my family is happy, so I basically deal with each comment as it comes.
— Fixnmyself

May 26, 2004
YOu have to remember that people are used to seeing you MUCH larger. I think your answer to them now is perfect. I don't think they mean any harm.
— SJP

May 27, 2004
I actually went to: http://www.vistaprint.com/vp/ns/default.aspx?GP=5%2F27%2F2004+11%3A18%3A22+AM which is a site that does free business cards - you just pay for shipping ($5.25). I had beautiful, serene cards printed that say: Never underestimate the power of a kind word or deed. People may not remember what you say but they will remember how you made them feel. Today what you said to me about my weight hurt me and made me feel sad. Next time stop and think before you speak. May you have a blessed day............I keep these in my pocket all the time. They're appropriate when people say "Have you put on some weight?" or "How much weight do you still want to lose?" and they're also appropriate for people who say "Your face is looking older since you lost so much weight." It's the best $5.25 I ever spent. It also prevents me from having to get in a verbal altercation with someone and generally does make them stop and think. I've handed out alot of them - not only on my behalf but on behalf of some of my patients. If I hear someone say something insensitive to one of my patients I'll hand them a card and say something like "On behalf of this wonderful lady or gentleman I'd like to give you this card". It usually makes folks take a second thought. Best wishes to you!
— ronascott

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