Question:
To all the married people out there.
Whats my problem, does it get worse? I am finding that now that I am going to have surgery I am very disgusted at my husbands eating habits. He too is obese, but it is because of his eating. Yes I am overweight, but I don't think I eat any more than the skinny people I know. Like tonight for supper I made corn dogs, augratin potatoes and green beans. I had one corn dog, one serving of potatoes and beans. My husband had 4 corn dogs, 7 servings of potatoes and 4 helpings of beans. Am I a horrible person for being disgusted by this? I have had self esteem probelms my entire life because of my weight, but I at least try to do something about it, he on the other hand complains that he gets picked on and how bad he feels yet does nothing. Please give me any advise you have. I am afraid this could lead to big probelms. — Mini Gadget (posted on October 2, 2003)
October 2, 2003
You can't change him. He is going to have to do it himself. Give him some
time watching you shrink. That did it for my husband!!
— Sharon m. B.
October 2, 2003
let me start out by saying i love all my AMOS friends and i am not trying
to bash you, but you didn't get to be MO by eating like a skinny person.
our weight is a very personal emotional thing and you are coming to grips
with your weight but your husband is still having problems with his. just
because you are changing doesn't mean he is ready to change. when/if he
does make that choice it has to be his alone. you said you had self esteem
problems because of your weight and i am sure your husband does too. give
him the support he needs using love instead of body weight to define his
worth to you. you didn't become MO overnight and then in a blink of an eye
decide it was time to do something....let him find his time. i wish you
both much luck and happiness
— franbvan
October 2, 2003
My husband and I both have had a weight problem our whole lives. We have
different eating habits though. He is like your husband with the large
meals, and I'm an occasional binger and a sweet addict. I could eat a
normal size meal like you did last night, but other times I would be out of
control on some dessert that I was craving. There's no one reason why
people struggle with their weight. You probably have a combination of
genetics that make you prone to weight gain, along with maybe not loving to
exercise, which was also my problem, and maybe like me you don't always eat
like a thin person. Even though you try and do something about your weight
it hasn't really helped that much, so maybe your husband is the one who is
doing the smart thing and just not bothering to diet? Maybe it's not how
much he eats that bother you as much as that he gets to eat and enjoy it
and you can't? Just a thought. I'm not trying to bash you or make you
feel bad either. I've been where you are and I understand how you feel,
really I do. I just thought maybe it'd be in your best interest to really
think about how you feel and why. I will warn you, that early post op you
might get depressed that every single meal you can't eat more than two or
three bites. Preop I wanted to lose weight so badly and knew that I'd be
restricted on what I could eat, but I had no idea that I'd be as bummed as
I was about NEVER being able to eat for those first few months. I even got
a little jealous and grouchy (honestly I was flat out bitchy) that my
husband could eat and enjoy his food and I couldn't. I logically knew that
it wouldn't always be that bad, but emotionally it was much harder than I
realized it'd be. So if you're already having issues with the amount of
food your husband eats now, I fear you're really going to have a problem
early post op. So know that might happen, and that it truly is temporary.
I agree with Fran that the decision to do something about his weight is
solely up to your husband and there's nothing you can do about it. Either
you love him or you don't. Just look at his eating habits as one of those
irritating things husbands do that we have to live with. LOL Good luck to
you. If you want to talk more, feel free to email me. Sherry
— sherry hedgecock
October 2, 2003
i'd give most anything to have my husband back, foul eating habits and all!
i would venture to bet many who have lost a loved one would fell much the
same way, at least you have someone.
— janetc00
October 2, 2003
While I agree with what the others before me have posted, might I add that
you both eat like crap IF that is a typical example of what you eat...and
that is not food that <i>normal skinny</i> people eat.
Corndogs are loaded with sugar and starch, combined with fat. Au gratin
potatoes? Carbs and more carbs and beans? well at least you ate a
vegetable! My advice? Change the foods you prepare and don't stress over
how many helpings he has. People who live in glass houses should not throw
stones. My husband is a PIG when it comes to food. He can eat a full
plate of food and then snack his fool head off on peanuts, peanut brittle,
popcorn and cheese nips. However, he is skinny as a rail (6'4 and 175
pounds soaking wet). I'm jealous as hell over what he can eat...but it's
his body and his choice. I just keep loving him and occasionally nag him
about his heart and poor choices. I prepare healthy meals, but if he wants
to fill up on snacks afterwards, he's a big boy and I'm not him mama. My
last piece of advice is to seek some marital counceling before these big
issues blow up even bigger. Good luck (and sorry if I came across as
crabby...but I was where your husband is now before I came to believe in
WLS).
— [Deactivated Member]
October 2, 2003
Hi Bridget Ann- I don't mean this posting to sound so harsh; if we were in
a room face to face, I think you would see that this is meant as
non-hostile. I am by NO MEANS perfect in my eating or food choices, nor do
I have a perfect marriage :o) At what point did you stop becoming hubby's
spouse and start being his food police? I wish I had a dollar for every
person "thinner than myself" who tried to advise me on dieting.
Did you ever notice it's those of us who are obese who are experts on
nutrition and what others should eat? :o) You need to concentrate on
yourself, Hon. Counting 7 servings of potatoes and 4 servings of beans is
really expending lots of negative energy when you could be thinking of more
positive ways to improve both of your lives. And may I ask who determined
his serving size was 7 servings, etc? Also, why was so much food prepared
for so few people? This is not meant as an attack on you in any manner-
sometimes we need to look at our own behavior before we examine others too
closely. Good luck to you :o) Mea
— Mea A.
October 2, 2003
I understand your frustration, but stop a minute and think hard about this
thing. I have also had surgery, and am down 115 pounds. While I eat small
amounts, my dear husband eats like a truck driver! He is obese, with
various health problems, and he refuses to even think about surgery! On the
other hand, I am not his mother, and his last wife nagged him about his
eating until he had gained up to 350 pounds by eating more just to
aggravate her! On the plus side, he washes all the dishes and does the
laundry all the time, tells me how beautiful I am daily, and treats me like
a queen! Does he need to lose weight? You bet! But if I harped on it, all
it would do is cause hurt feelings and loss of closeness in this marriage.
As a matter of fact, since I have kept slowly losing the weight, and NOT
bugging him about HIS, he has slowly started to eat less, and is losing
weight. After his visit to the doctor last week, his blood test show marked
improvement and he has lost 20 pounds! After all, if this man were to (God
forbid) die tomorrow, it wouldn't matter what he had eaten the day before.
All that matters is love. This is just my humble opinion, and we have 7
loved filled years to show for it!
— T. 263
October 2, 2003
Original poster. Thanks for the answers they are really eye opening.
Thought I would answer a few questions. When I say serving that is serving
spoonfuls. As for why Iprepared so much, I ask myself this all the time,
but there were no leftovers. I made 10 corndogs, 2 boxes for potatoes and 2
cans of green beans. For 4 people. Another example, when I order pizza,
which is about once a month I order a small pepperoni for my son and I, and
a large for my husband and he eats it all. This meal is not a classic
example of what we eat. It was my 3 years old night to choose his favorites
for supper.
Thanks again, Bridget
— Mini Gadget
October 2, 2003
Fran,
All my life, I have hardly ate but started this process at 425. I never
tell people that I hardly eat because if they don't know me they don't
believe me. When you said, "you didn't get to be MO by eating like a
skinny person", I just had to tell you that some of us did. I'm not a
doctor and I do not know why but for some reason, some of us gain and hold
weight. I will agree with you and say that I did not get MO by eating like
a skinny person because I can't eat as much as a skinny person.
— Trin2rilax Cheryl McCoy
October 2, 2003
I would suggest that you concentrate on healthy, well-balanced meals.
Don't cook so much food. Cook only enough for a meal for each person at
the table. No extras. Enlist your family's help to help you through the
process and you may be surprised how much your husband will help you.
Those first few months are hard and you will have days when you can't eat
much of anything. Don't let that come between you and your husband. If
you concentrate on cooking healthy meals now, you'll have less problems
later. You cannot change anyone, hon! Concentrate on those things that
made your love your husband in the first place. He's not going to do
anything about his weight until he comes to a place where he sees tha as a
priority. One of the faux pas of our society is we want to change people
through a law or through trying to make people change and it rarely works.
Gotta accept them and love them as they are and let God sort out the
changes!
— Cathy S.
October 2, 2003
As time has gone on my husband who initioally gained weight after my
surgery has now lost weight and looks great. He has seen me get thinner and
it has motivated him to do the same. My husband was not obese but needed to
lose about 25 pounds. He has almost lost all of it now and I have to say
that I am very happy about it. I used to say that I ate no more than my
thin friends and for the most part, like at meals in public, that was true
but I am sure that they were not standing in front of the fridge with a
fork as soon as everyone else was in bed and I am sure they were not
hitting the drive-thru and forgetting about it. I did not realize just how
bad my eating habits were until after I had had surgery and really had to
make the drastic changes. I did not realize how much I relied on food for
so many things. It was a huge reality slap in the face. If it is not a
calories in and calories burned issue than how would this surgery work so
remakably well? I am in no way bashing but I am saying that you may look at
your pre-op habits much more clearly once you are a post op. As far as the
being grossed out goes, I have felt the same way. I look at the mountain of
food that my husband can eat and get sick and can't fathom putting that in
my stomach any more but I had the surgery and I try to keep the focus on
what I have to do. As a previous poster said he is an adult and has to make
his own choices. If this is bothering you now then you might want to
address it with him or a professional. These things do not tend to get
better after surgery. Good luck.
— Carol S.
October 3, 2003
Hi Bridget, My husband & I have gone through something similar, except
he doesn't say a word about any insults he may get nor does he complain
about his weight. I however, am horrified when I see him eating enough for
6 people every day. I deal with it better, but some things still annoy me.
Hopefully I will fully get over it. Have you thought about counseling? You
can go or both can go. I will tell you what a counselor told me.- Just
because you are doing something about your weight, doesn't mean he has to.
If dieting, RNY or Lap Band are for him he will do it when he is ready.
Your decision to do something is for you. You didn't make the decision for
both of you - just you. Dieting is not easy, as we all know, and choosing
RNY or Lap Band is a personal choice. It is usually made when someone can
not deal with their weight anymore and they have met the end of their
ropes. My husband feels that nothing is wrong with the fact that he is
Morbidly Obese. HE chooses not to do anything about it. In the meantime I
have prepared for his eventual heart attack. At 6 mos Post Op I look at the
amount of food on plates at restaurants and I think of how America got this
way. I work in 3rd world countries in my job, and I see real starving
people all of the time. I was always embarrased at how fat I was - now I
look at all Americans and think - my God, you people need to do something
about your weight too. But as my psych says, that's something I have to
work through. I can encourage those in my family to control their food
intake. I have no idea what they eat when they leave the house but at home
I have removed all hi carb and junk foods. I don't buy and I don't make any
more food for a meal than people in my family should eat. I would have one
portion of potatoe per person, one of beans per person etc. This way
seconds are not readily available. My husband can cook and does several
times a week, but he is slowly learning how much I can eat and even he has
finally started to cut back on the amount he cooks. He is getting educated
along with me. Earlier this week a neighbor gave our family a cake as a
thank you for helping after Isabel. We each got a peice, then down the sink
drain it went. My best wishes for you - 4/2/03 283/205/175
— M B.
October 3, 2003
I agree with the others that advise you to not cook so much. The less on
the table, the less for hubby and family to eat. Altho it was your kids
choice of food night, the whole family has to eat it, perhaps limiting them
to certain healthier choices would also help teach them what is healthy.
It boggles my mind that this country is fretting over the skyrocketing
obesity in kids when HELLO look at what parents are feeding them. Macaroni
and cheese, pizza, fast food places, french fries, soda, sugary snacks
etc,etc. Sure that stuff tastes good, but parents have control over their
kids while they are small, so why do they feed them crap? OK, off my soap
box now...you are not a horrible person, you care about hubby and certainly
want the best for him. You know that his continued obesity will lead to an
early grave. Hopefully by seeing you on your WLS journey, it may prompt
him to want to do the same thing. You can't force him to address or accept
or change what he is not ready to.Have you tried a heart to heart on how
you want to grow old with him? Don't presure him but don't give up on him
either.
— Cindy R.
October 3, 2003
I am 18 months post op- nearly to my goal....and my husband is about 15
pounds overweight. He eats like crazy... but is certainly not MO. Do I like
that he eats like that? No. But he was tolerant with me while I was MO...
and that unconditional love is a beautiful thing. So I return that love,
instead of being "disgusted" by how he eats. And I get him to
take walks with me, etc. He is slowly coming around (and it takes a lot of
time!) It is one thing to be concerned about your husband's health, but to
be so judgemental when you have been there yourself is hurtful. When you
say it could lead to "big problems" I wonder if that means having
this hostility against your husband? They way he eats won't hurt your
marriage; but the way you deal with it might. I agree with some of the
other posters - if you keep lousy food in the house, they will eat it. And
especially in the case of kids - if they consider things like fruit to be
treats, they will grow up healthy. I would give $1,000,000 if MY mom
would've figured that out, instead of raising me to be a MO kid, which
nearly led to my death. Sorry for the melodrama, but no one spontaneously
becomes MO. Lastly- once you have the surgery, EVERYONE you see eating (who
is not post-op WLS) will gross you out. The speed, the choices, and the
amounts. So you kind of have to deal with that everyday. Best of luck to
you.
— kultgirl
October 3, 2003
"but no one spontaneously becomes MO" - Shelli I think you'll
find many people don't agree with you that everyone became fat solely by
eating wrong foods. TONS of kids eat junk, some of these posters hubbies
eat TONS of food and are thin, yet when someone gets fat eating the same
thing its their fault or their parents fault. Personally I grew up very
rural and very poor. My family ate wild game, home baked breads, what we
grew, etc. I never even saw the inside of a fast food place until I was a
teenager. Never had "junk food" around as we couldn't afford it.
By the time I entered the 7th grade I was over 200 lbs. My little one
does eat more junk food than I did but LOVES her vegies and fruits. Thinks
a tomatoe is an awesome snack! But she is over 200 lbs now at age 10.
Although she will be taller than me, overall she's the same build carrying
her weight the same way as me. Its pretty obvious genetics plays a huge
role. No normal person who is not predisposed to gaining and keeping huge
amounts of weight is able to gain and mantain such large volumes of weight.
Yes people can become fatter but not 100 or 150 or more pounds above their
normal weight. And it isn't simply a matter of food restriction. If that
were the case then the lap band would be the most used surgery and they
wouldn't perform the bypass portion of the RNY or the DS as it wouldn't be
necessary.
— Shelly S.
October 4, 2003
I as a fat person have always been keenly aware of what people are eating
around me... I would even hear chewing... It was something about my self
that I hated and I didn't find it impressive as a trate for others... I
think it is normal to recognize the trates in other that you dont
particular love in your self... Maybe next time you make dinner if you know
you are only going to eat one dog and once serving of potatoes, make him
two dogs and 1 portion of potatoes, and let him fill up on those beans...
He will slim down too... I would also recomend you talk to him about it...
gently... Ask him to support you in your efforts and tell him you need
him... they love to be needed!!! Good Luck!
— colette73
October 8, 2003
I just wanted to chim in that while so many parents on this board have
criticized other parents who are feeding their children "junk," a
lot of those critics could use some education themselves. Yes, being MO is
genetically linked, so why not feed your child as if you were aware of
that?
One of the last posters said that her ten year old is MO, eats more junk
than she did, but "loves her veggies!" No, she loves food. As MO
parents, we have to aggressively combat our children's MO. My daughter does
not have a weight problem, because when I was pregnant with her, I decided
that with MO parents and grandparents, she needed all the help I could give
her. Does she diet? NO! She eats healthy. We kept her vegetarian for her
first 2 years, she thinks fruit is like candy (especially bananas). She
sees juice as a snack and has no clue what a soda is. Her
"cookies" are 1/4 of a gram cracker. She has yet to taste
chocolate. When I cook for her, before I put something fatty and unhealthy
in her dinner, I ask myself, "do I want my child, my love, to suffer
as I have, just for the sake of it being easy?" Then immediately, I
change my mind. Her carbs are limited, her protiens and fiber are high
because she is walking now. She will always eat this way, because I love
her and inside her blood travels the possibility of a disease that will rob
her of her life. I treat MO as a disease, and as far as I am concerned,
her's is in remission due to my vigilance, dedication and hard work.
Lastly, then I will get off my soap box, I am prepared,when she asks why
she can't eat like other children, to tell her about this disease and to
explain that in order to stay healthy, we must eat right. It is vital we
take an active role in our children's MO. - Erinn
— Erinn D.
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