Question:
I am just so tired!
Good Morning I will be in surgery tomorrow morning but now I seem to have developed another problem. My husband (an alcoholic) decided that he did not want to leave after I told him to go. So Friday night my back was having spasms again and I could not get up and down. Well I had to go to the bathroom at about 1am and I guess I was not moving fast enough for him, so he kicked me in the back and as I pulled up on the bed he slugged me in the face. After about 30 minutes of dragging up on the bed I managed to get myself dressed and in my car. I somehow got to the hospital but after I got there they had to take me out of the car. I now have a herniaed disk at the base of my back and am in severe pain. I had the nurse call the police and I filed a report and swore out a warrant but he was gone by the time they got there. I also have a concussion on the right side of my face and contusions over my back and face. I am so tired. and I am so tired of hurting. I am still scheduled for surgery tomorrow, but now the problem has arisen of how they can perform the surgery without further injuring my back. I guess I can't win for loosing. I am so sorry to bore you with my problems. And before I start getting start getting all sorts of post on counselling - forget it. I do not need counselling - I just need that man out of my life. THANKS FOR LISTENING — [Anonymous] (posted on October 2, 2000)
October 2, 2000
Regardless of how much you protest that you do not need counseling, I beg
to differ. For your own safety and for your well being you need to seek
therapy. You as well as anyone else who might be going through such need
to seek a safe haven and counseling. You do not deserve nor have you ask
for such treatment. I am sick of alcoholics using "I was drunk and
did not know what I was doing" as an excuse. This man needs to be
locked up and you need to make sure you do not drop the charges.
Accountability and responsibility are something this jerk needs to learn.
I am sure your Dr will be able to know whether your surgery will complicate
your back pain. I am sorry to hear that you are hurt and hurting but it is
time to take control and start healing and the only way you will do this is
to take control of your life and make him accountable for his actions.
— [Anonymous]
October 2, 2000
I will try not to counsel hon, because I have been in exactly your shoes.
Thankfully, I got myself out of the situation, and I think that you have
taken the proper steps to do the same. Maybe you can go to a battered
women's shelter for a little while till you feel more safe? Or stay with
friends or family? That's what I did. Went into hiding for 2 weeks. When
I came out, he had moved 2500 miles away and I haven't seen him since
(thank god). Remember to be strong. As for the surgery, maybe you can
wait a few more weeks for your back to heal? Or maybe you can just go
ahead with the surgery anyway? I don't know the answers for you, but have
you talked to your surgeon?? He/She would know what is best for you in
this situation. But please remember, that if you are going to go ahead
with the surgery, then maybe you can recover somewhere else other than
home? If he ever returns (and believe me, they always do) while you are
recovering, and abuses you again, you will not have the strength or energy
to deal with that physically or emotionally. Please be sure to have all
bases covered. I will say a prayer for you and wish you loads of luck. I
guess I did counsel a little (forgive me???) HUGZ!!!
— enjo4
October 2, 2000
Keep the faith. Things will be just fine. Please take care of yourself.
Dri****
— Andria S.
October 2, 2000
Do you have any reliable friends or relatives that you can stay with after
your surgery? You certainly don't want to have to confront this man while
you are recovering from major surgery. That would be even more dangerous
than what he has already done to you. If you live in the Northern Indiana
area, you can come stay with me! I mean it! You need some nurturing while
you recover from surgery. I hope this back problem doesn't postpone your
surgery. After surgery, they give you really good drugs, so you probably
wouldn't even feel your back for a few days at least. Good Luck!
— Lynn K.
October 2, 2000
I am so very sorry that you were hurt. But before I begin with my
unsolicited advice, I want to say that we all joined this site because we
needed support and compassion - we never need to apologize for asking for
help. I know you have a resistance to counseling, but several issues should
be dealt with; 1) your statement that you're 'sorry to bore you with my
problems' indicates some esteem issues. And esteem issues lead to
accepting abuse. 2)It appears that you will have short and perhaps long
term physical problems because of this episode - please do not wait until
resentment, anger and depression become debilitating - get a handle on it
now. 3) You stated that your husband didn't want to leave when you asked
him to. He will be back, and in your compromised physical state, how will
you defend yourself? Even if he has never physically attacked you before
and never physically attacks you again, he will do his best to manipulate
you. What will be your emotional defense? 4) Alcoholics cannot accept
responsibility and must have co-dependents to function. I strongly urge
you to join Al-Anon and a battered woman's group. The physical scars can
heal, but the emotional scars need intensive therapy. Please know that the
best advice is from those who have been there and who have learned to cope.
My ex physically abused me only three isolated times in 15 years, and
while it wasn't severe, it only opened my eyes to real problems with our
marriage. I did Al-Anon when I was not in a position to leave him. Seven
years later, when I finally gathered enough self-respect and courage to
divorce, I spent 8 months in a divorce support group and 6 months in
individual therapy - and I was one of the stronger, more independent,
emotionally stable members of the group! Please, heal your body and when
you are able, nurture your heart. You'll be in my prayers.
— Allie B.
October 2, 2000
I have been where you are presently. It is a very painful, fearful place to
be especially just
prior to WLS. The alkie in my life finally got help yet he was still
abusive emotionally to me.
I made the mistake of having him be there to "take care of me?"
when I got home from surgery. BAD MISTAKE.
By day 12 post op, he was gone. I have worked as an alcoholism counselor
and I know that alcoholics even when
sober and in "recovery" can be very self centered individuals if
they are not working a program of recovery.
You need to get a RESTRAINING ORDER against him, NOW. W/ that, he is not
allowed to come near you or even call you
w/o the law getting involved again. PRESS CHARGES against him. Don't let
him get away w/ this. If you do, it will happen
again. The "abuser" always says they are "sorry"
afterwards and that they will NEVER ACT THAT WAY AGAIN. It always happens
again.
GET YOURSELF OUT of the situation and stay OUT no matter what line of bull
he tells you. Protect yourself. You dont need this in
your life when you are trying to get better from WLS. You need all your
strength to help you recover. Please think about going to
alanon. They will help you learn how to live your life successfully in
spite of the alcoholic. You will find/gain suppport there, too.
A battered women's shelter sounds like a good idea, especially if he won't
leave you alone and when he is drinking you can not be sure
that he will do that even if he says he will. I know of women that have
been killed by the alkie in their lives when the alkie was drinking
and in a "black out" (period of time when you dont remember what
you did while drinking). I also know of men that have gotten off cause they
used
that defense in court!! PLEASE, THIS IS SERIOUS. He showed you what he is
capable of doing. DON'T IGNORE IT. I also believe that you need to get
some
help for yourself cause living in an abusive situation takes away one's
self esteem and other things. There is always CODA available. It is free
and there
are other's there w/ the same problem helping each other and giving
support. DETACH YOURSELF FROM HIS PROBLEM. It is not yours. You did not
cause it. You can not
cure it. He has to hit bottom before he reaches out for help, and then he
may not still want help. Many alkies have to die as a result of their
addiction, unfortunately.
LET GO...LET GOD. Get help to learn how to get on w/ your own life in a
successful manner from those that have been there themselves and have come
out WINNERS. YOU DO NOT
DESERVE TO BE ABUSED. As far as the surgery is concerned, maybe you will
have to put it off for a little while. Maybe you are supposed to deal w/
this "other" problem first.
I have 2 herniated discs in my lower spine due to falls in the past (not
related to the alkie). I am over 2 mo. post op. So, there is hope for you.
DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO FOR YOURSELF
..PUT THINGS IN THEIR PROPER ORDER...first things, first. My
thoughts/prayers are w/ you. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.. {{{{many, many
HUGGS}}}}}
— kathy S.
October 2, 2000
I was in a very abusive marriage 13 years ago, so I understand
your feelings. Please keep faith that everything will work
out in your favor, you are great person. Things do get better
believe me, I am now married to the most wonderful and loving
man in this world, and we have 2 great boys together. I just
thank GOD everyday that I did not have any children with
that man. I feel for the pain that you are going through, if
you need a friend to talk to let me know. I will keep you in
my thought. Always remember you are worth it and deserve the
best in life.
Dani Finley
— Danielle F.
October 2, 2000
i am so sorry to hear about the horrendous violence toward you .. please
continue to write to let us know that u are okay .. he may sober up and
come back, so please be careful .. i feel so bad .. i dont know what else
to say !!
— Vanessa B.
October 2, 2000
Dear Tired One:
Yes, many of us have been there. Hurt, exhausted, depressed, not knowing
where to turn. One piece of advice from me, who has been there and lived in
that hell for far too long. Hang in there, harden your heart toward the
abuser, but most of all, reach deep down inside yourself and find that
strength that is there! If you have to put your WLS surgery off for a
little while, it's okay....you are going to have a new life and no one can
stop you! One very kind person in your area offered for you to stay with
them. What an extraordinary person to offer their home and comfort to a
stranger! The best thing you might ever do is get to know such a person.
Know that you are worthwhile and that others care about you, even those who
do not know you. I wish you peace, love and life!
— Rae M.
October 2, 2000
I would agree with those that have suggested that you get into some sort of
serious counseling.. I have not had the
opportunity to live with an alcoholic or to experience physical abuse..
Surely you could go to a shelter and get some psychiatric help for you and
this person..
This man needs to learn accountability and responsibility for his
actions.. however, you also need to learn how to say no to him..
I will say a prayer for you and this situation.. best of luck to you..
Take action now before it is too late..
— [Anonymous]
October 2, 2000
i don't care how large a person maybe we all deserve the respect and love
just like anyone else. you do not deserve this. listen to me and listen
well. GET OUT OF THAT. you are about to begin a whole new life. start your
new life off right. cut the bs. i was abused my previous boyfriend. i let
it go on because i felt like because i was overweight no one wanted me and
i had to stay and take it or be alone. well i'm alone now. it's not easy. i
do miss him sometimes. but i am working on feeling better about myself. in
the end what counts is YOU. peace and love take care of yourself because no
one else will.
— [Anonymous]
October 2, 2000
I had two herniated disks that were acting up right before surgery. THey
were injecting morphine directly into the leg to help. Surgery help clear
those up for a little over a year. The pain just started again. In regards
to the other situation, you know what to do and you are on the right track
although I would suggest counseling just to finalize the issue
— snicklefritz
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