Question:
Is anyone losing more than just weight?
I need a reality check or some kind of clarification here. Maybe this is just the way life and friendship is. I'm not sure that this actually has to do with the surgery--I hate relating everything that happens to me back to the surgery but... I just "broke up" with a long-time friend of mine over various issues, with the fact that I had the surgery and she didn't agree with it being one of them. I'm 14 months out, down 130 pounds and doing fine. My friend is still MO and we used to be diet buddies. I don't talk about the surgery with this friend because I know she doesn't believe in it. It's difficult for me to exercise with her now because she can't do some of the things I can because of her weight. She has also become a born-again Christian (I'm not bashing Christians) and she seems to have lost the ability to questions things. Can I get some kind of feedback here? This is just life, right? This isn't about the weight-- mine or hers, right? We're just too different to be friends now, right? — lizinPA (posted on May 3, 2004)
May 3, 2004
Hate to tell you this, but , yes ,it "could" be just about the
weight, your friend is still MO, youre nopt , or at least not as bad as
before, theres always a subtle competitiveness in most friendships, and
perhaps this is part of it , if you were "diet buddies" thats
something you shared, now , youve had surgery, and are losing wieght, i
assume from what you said, she is not, this is hard on a friend , and
anyone you know ,
if its an issue youre comfortable with , ask her right out, she might not
give you the answer straight , but what she doesnt say , could be as
important as what she does say ...
i hope this helps, not trying to be vague , but i guess in a nutshell, yes
the weight loss is prooboly part of the friendships decline , but its not
the operation, its the competetition
B
— bethlaf
May 3, 2004
Hmmm... Sounds like you're the one "breaking up" with her. If
you're true friends, then you have much more in common than just dieting
and weight issues. If you're growing in different directions, then I'm
sorry, because that just happens and is part of life, but if you're wanting
to discard her because she can't keep up with you or discuss your surgery,
then I think you might want to think about how that would feel if the shoe
were on the other foot. It has got to be quite painful for her to see you
getting smaller and smaller when she's still stuck in the same vicious
cycle that drove us all to surgery in the first place. Sorry to ramble
this! Just sharing my thoughts since that's what you asked for :o)
Do you think you guys could start scrapbooking or something like that
together?
— ScottieB86
May 3, 2004
Friends do grow away from each other and changes in life style brought on
by your weight loss surgery can have a huge impact on a friendship, or any
relationship. Changes in religion can too. I'm a born again Christian too
and know that there are things that some of my friends want to do that I
just cannot and will not participate in. No problem. I do the things I can
with them then just politely decline the other things. That goes both
ways. They don't choose to attend church with me, or go on mission trips,
etc., but that's okay too. We still maintain the friendship but it takes
work sometimes. I too have friends that are MO and, although happy for me,
they sometimes seem to feel uncomfortable around me. I don't discuss the
surgery unless they ask and I definitely do my best to be the same person
I've always been but sometimes they still act uncomfortable. Sounds like
I'm rambling here but the bottom line is, you have changed, she has
changed. The question is, have you changed too much or grown too much in
the opposite directions to even want to continue the friendship. No one
can tell you that, you have to decide on your own. If you can discuss it
with her, then do so. You might be surprised to find out how she is feeling
and what she is thinking. If you can't discuss it, then maybe the
friendship wasn't as close as you may have thought. I wish you the best on
finding an answer. Losing a good friend is always a sad thing.
— scbabe
May 3, 2004
Oroginal poster here: Thank you for the replies. I wanted to clarify that I
did not want to discard this person as a friend. I got tired of always
being the "bad guy" for being able to walk longer or faster or
whatever active thing I was doing, for not being a Christian and for having
the surgery.
— lizinPA
May 3, 2004
Hi Beth- I have a similiar situation with a friend who is also MO. She
wasn't a big supporter of the surgery to start with. Once I figured that
out, I didn't talk to her much about it. I only brought it up if she did
and answered questions for her. I politely told her once that this surgery
isn't for everyone, but it was my miracle and the best choice for me and my
life. I often wonder if the only thing we have in common was the dieting
or food. Now, she just wants all my old clothes!! I keep in touch with
her but not as much as we used to. I agree with the other posters- it
could be the surgery because you've changed so much. Maybe you could find
another common thing to do- like scrapbooking or ceramics or something that
you can both do- regardless of either ones weight. Good Luck- sometimes
everything after surgery isn't all roses and we have to deal with these
changes. It always hurts when a friendship is going thru changes but talk
it thru with her and if its meant to be, its meant to be.
— Kathy *.
May 3, 2004
If you truly value her as a friend, did you just do one of those "when
you say/do this to me....it makes me feel...." Sometimes, when a
large weight loss has occurred, we get more confident and outgoing and we
may feel the same inside, but we're behaving in different ways that people
don't always know how to handle. Sometimes, others around us can't handle
our successes because they're used to behavior from us in a particular
manner. Not knowing the both of you, I wouldn't hazard to guess, but if
you value the friendship, might be worth a heart-to-heart talk and see
where things stand. Some people get in a comfort zone with their friends
and when situations change, it's never the same again. That's just part of
life.
— Cathy S.
May 3, 2004
You have both changed the dynamic of your friendship. All friendships hit
a rough patch. The people who go running for the hills or stop talking to
you were using you more than being your friend. That's what I've
discovered about a few people in my life. When I stopped serving their
purpose (eating buddy, or someone to feel superior to) they ran.
True friendship will have as much hard times as easy ones. If it's a
breeze, then it is more of a hang out buddy.
If she's becoming born again, then you may need to give her some time to
adjust. In the beginning, you're not going to get her. Give it a few
months.
— mrsmyranow
May 4, 2004
Again, thank you for the replies and suggestions. I think I'll give it a
couple of months and then see if she would like to get together and take a
walk.
— lizinPA
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