Question:
Am I a b#tch or is this a normal thing to feel?
Bear with me, this is long: I had RNY on 2/10/03, started at 313, now down to 195 and feeling great. I'm very lucky to not have had any major complications from the surgery. My life is much better in so many small and big ways. That said, I have been having some problems dealing with an MO friend of mine who spent the weekend with me. Julie is an RN, extremely intelligent and we have known each other for 10 years. Julie weighs about 400 pounds and has been on every diet known to man (just like the rest of us). We used to diet together but we always fell off the wagon. We had the same conversations for years: :"I'm going to start exercising every day", "Me, too", "But first let's share a pint of Ben & Jerry's" Then I had the surgery. Julie said she would never do it, it's wrong to do it, there are too many risks, etc. What I find really irritating (which didn't used to bother me pre-op) was the moaning of how she hates the way she looks, how she wants to lose weight, how she feels awful and all the excuses for not doing anything. This weekend, I wanted to scream at her: "Get off your ass and do something about it then!" I feel like I'm super-sensitive to this kind of thing these days. I guess I can't understand why someone so morbidly obese would not want to do this. Please help me understand. I don't want to come across as a bitch, or as some lunatic who thinks surgery is the answer to everything for everyone. — lizinPA (posted on October 27, 2003)
October 27, 2003
Well, we have to think of it this way... how long did it take US to come to
the point where we decided (for ourselves) that we must do something. How
long and how many excuses did we have? She will have to come to the end of
her rope on her own, you won't be able to get her there. She will only
resent you for it. You are anxious to help your friend move in this
direction because you feel so wonderful now and you want her to feel the
same way. Be careful not to alienate her. If she never does anything
about her weight, you have and will continue to be her friend. I know you
hate to see her suffer like this. I have come across a few friends that I
wanted to "help" by preaching WLS to them and it only turned them
off. They just said (in a huff I might add) "well, we'll just see how
YOU do in the long run, then MAYBE I'll decide to do what you did".
We have to remember they are sceptical. They've tried and tried and
nothing worked. Let her see your life lived out to the fullest and that
might be the push she needs. How many of us "hit rock bottom"
like alcoholics before we do something? I was one of them! God bless you
and I hope things work out with your friend. I can tell you really care
about her.
— Happy I.
October 27, 2003
Wow, this is a tuff one. First I think it is extremely important to
remember where you were and how you felt. According to your post, it took
you at least those 10 years to get off your ass, perhaps it will take her
15. Be patient and try not to get frustrated. WLS isn't for everyone.
Imagine the desperation you would still be feeling if you couldn't have had
it done. Encourage Julie to join you for some exercise, it's good for
everyone. Also, try and talk to her about WLS. Don't just give her your
opinion, but ask her if she would be willing to discuss it with a doctor.
Maybe she doesn't realize that the risks she's already taking may just
out-weigh the surgical risks! Good Luck
— Angela T.
October 27, 2003
This surgery is definitely NOT for everyone. Many people cannot or will
not follow the post-op diet and exercise requirements. So if they have the
surgery and revert to old habits, they definitely can regain all the weight
they lost. I know you are concerned for your friend. When my brother had
his WLS 2 years ago, it tried hard to convince me. I just wasn't ready and
wasn't convinced it was the right thing to do. Now I'm 16 days away from
surgery, know it is right for me.
— [Deactivated Member]
October 27, 2003
Beth- Hate to break this to you, but you are as normal as the rest of us.
There is a sense of frustration in seeing those we love suffer under their
morbid obesity-- and a bit of having our egos bruised that our obese
friends obviously don't see our successes as sufficient to inspire them to
put aside their own fears and have the same surgery we did. But there is
also a sense of resentment in hearing them dismiss the concept of weight
loss surgery (which sometimes seems to minimize the fears and anxieties we
faced leading up to surgery and the daily struggles with which we live
post-operatively in keeping our demons in check). Sometimes I wonder if,
as a convert to being healthy, I do need to remember the years that I
suffered as someone who was super morbidly obese-- and question if I
shouldn't just reach out and ask the person complaining about his/her
weight if they'd like to hear the reason why I chose surgery. Sometimes I
wonder if I've already forgotten that odd mix of shame and fear and
self-loathing and denial that so often framed my outlook when I weighed
over 500 pounds--- and that I shouldn't give someone the benefit of the
doubt that I would have wanted in trying to avoid surgery. Who knows-- it
certainly is confusing, but the one thing of which I'm certain is that you
are not coming across as a bitch.
— SteveColarossi
October 27, 2003
When you've been tough on yourself in order to succeed, it's important not
to let that toughness spill over onto others who may receive that message
in exactly the wrong way. As reformed M.O.'s, we have to be careful how we
treat friends who are still M.O., because the surgery is not the right
choice for everyone (or, not everyone is at a point where they're ready to
explore that option). Your friend probably already knows a lot about the
surgery, from you, plus she's a nurse, and she could learn more if she
wanted to, but she's just not there yet, and may never be. It may also be
that she still talks to you this way because you two have always talked
this way, and it can be hard to adjust a friendship to changed
circumstances. I think that, given her stated opposition to the idea of
surgery, if you want to leave the door open for her to remain your friend,
and/or for her to consider the surgery, you're really gonna need to keep
biting your tongue on this one. Especially if she supported you, or at
least, didn't pepper you with negativity about your surgery.
— Suzy C.
October 27, 2003
I don't think you're being a B-witch. I understand your frustration. I'm
only 2mos. out and every time I see a large person struggling to walk I
want to say "I know a great proceedure that can help fix that".
The problem is some people are terrified of surgery. Esp. something this
life altering. The complications are very real and not as few as you
think. With her being in the medical field, I'm sure she's heard some
horror stories. I myself have had 2mos. of complications including a
second surgery for bleeding five days after the initial surgery. (had 13
units of blood/products) I had no health problems that contributed to any
of my complications...just the luck of the draw.(I wasn't extremely heavy
either...BMI 38) So what I'm saying is at this point she's probably more
scared of the complications than being obese. Keep being her friend and
support her as best you can. One day she may just get sick and tired of
being sick and tired and "Go for it"! Keep your chin up! Cathy
— cathy G.
October 27, 2003
Beth, you are the best example for her. As you continue to lose weight,
she can't help but notice how well you have and will continue to do. It is
a personal decision and she has you there to help guide her if she ever
makes the decision to do something about her weight. The others are
right-surgery is not for everyone. I know its frustrating when you just
want to shake her and say, do it! Have you ever had a heart to heart
converstion with her about the surgery, perhaps something non-threating
along the lines of " this has been the best thing I have ever done for
myself and if you ever make the decision to do the same, Iwill be here for
you all the way because I care so much about your health and I want us to
be friends forever". Has she ever laid out her objections for you-yes,
there are risks to the surgery, but what are the risks of remaining 400
pounds. Just handle it tactfully,if you do so, by either broaching her in a
kind and loving way or if your not comfortable with that, just be there for
her. Being bitchy will just hurt her feelings.
— Cindy R.
October 27, 2003
You're not a bitch. You're normal. As for your friend, she's probably
scared witless. I speak from experience. 448 lbs when I went under the
knife, and honey did I ever have complications! I was in the hospital
twice for a total of almost 4 weeks. Almost died. So I know what your
friend is thinking. I thought it too, and then went through a lot of it!
She knows you had the op. She can see you're losing. All I can suggest is
have patience with her. When/if she's ready to take the plunge, she will.
As for the evangelistic approach that some advise (seeing someone fat on
the street and having the urge to tell them what to do to lose it), I would
advise against it. Nothing worse, IMHO, than someone who preaches -
whether it be someone with a Bible in hand, a Watch Tower, a Book of
Mormon, the Koran, or whatever they're prosetylizing. None of us like
being preached to about what is good for us. Neither would your friend.
Incidently, hope I don't get flamed for that last remark - I'm an ordained
minister by the way. Evangelisers turn me off too.
Just keep on being her friend if you can.
Cathy.
— defatbroad
October 27, 2003
Try not to forget that none of us woke up one morning morbidly obese. It
took us each our own time to come to the conclusion that WLS was for us and
as it has been said previously it is not for everyone. Try to remember
where you came from and know that everyone has to follow their own path. I
am sure you spent many years hating your body and the way you looked. I am
sure that it annoyed some of the people around you and they stuck it out.
You are so fortunate that you have had such great success and who knows
what the future holds for your friend. My own mother thought that this
surgery was extreme and not for her but now she is currently awaiting her
surgery date. You are only human and unfortunately that means that we feel
negative emotions from time to time.
— Carol S.
October 27, 2003
Hi Beth- Congrats on your loss so far, you're doing great:o) I am still
pre-op, but sometimes I want to shout out to other MO strangers "There
is help for us!!!" I wouldn't mention the WLS surgery to your friend
again, unless she brings it up. For the longest time, I blamed myself and
felt I was a failure for being so heavy. I think we've all been there, when
everyone in the office goes on Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, etc, and
everyone loses weight except us. It doesn't help when the medical community
reinforces that message (that it's our own fault that we're so heavy),
which may have happened in your friend's case being that she's an RN.
Hopefully the "no more blame, I have genetic tendencies which make me
fat" lightbulb will turn on in her head someday. I was fence-sitting
about WLS for a few months until I heard or read somewhere that weight
problems are 70% genetic! I also have a MO friend who is beginning to have
significant MO-related health problems. She is supportive of my surgery
because she loves me, but surgery-phobic herself so not interested at this
time. She is intrigued by my upcoming WLS and she decided that she wants
to "wait and see" how I do :o) So maybe the next time your
friend brings up WLS surgery, just ask her...."Now that I've had the
surgery, how do you feel about discussing it? Would you like to hear about
my experience or would you be more comfortable if we didn't discuss it at
this point?". But I would let her know that the door is always open
if she'd like to talk to you about it. Good Luck, Mea. P.S. I don't
think you're a b*tch, this is a very delicate subject:o)
— Mea A.
October 27, 2003
Beth, I have gone through the same thing with a very close friend of mine
who happens to be a Registered dietician and super MO. My Lap-RNY surgery
was in April. I once told my friend that for many MO,you just have to hit
rock bottom, like an alcoholic before you understand why we get the
surgery. Finally, recently, after a long time of listening to her
complaints and her statements that RNY people were enduring "self
mutilation" to lose weight, she talked to me about her weight. The
last time she made the self mutliation remark I said "ok, I did self
mutliation, but look at me... I have lost weight, I am healthier and
happier than you are. My quality of life is better". She still is not
ready for RNY, but she is now very open to lap-band because we talked about
alternatives to RNY. She has a Dr appt with my Doc who does both RNY and
LAPBand and I will be right by her side. If you can, try to hang in there
with your friend, she may not have hit rock bottom yet.
— M B.
October 27, 2003
Be patient with her. She may or may not decide surgery is the thing for
her. I had a friend who had surgery about 5 years ago, I thought I could
never ever do that.. Well, here it is 5 years later and I am about to have
surgery in December. Making that decision is a personal one and she will
have to make it on her own. Seeing the new you might be enough to inspire
her to do it as well. Maybe when you want to scream at her to get off her
butt and have surgery, you could say something like, --" I remember
feeling that way, and it's awful, and I am so glad I had surgery, it
changed my life. " I wouldn't tell her she should do it too, but if
you just keep talking about how much better things are because of it, it
might make her come around, if it's right for her.
— Patricia T.
October 27, 2003
She's your friend, and our friends are the ones who see our faults and love
us in spite of them. The best thing you can do for her is continue to be
her friend. Bite your tongue a few times, if you have to---your example
will do more to convince her than anything you can SAY.
I don't even have a surgery date yet, but I KNOW WLS is the right thing for
me. But if I hadn't found out that friend of mine had had it, I would
never have seriously considered it. All I'd ever heard was all the bad
stuff, but SEEING her results made me think, "Okay---I can do
this".
I don't know which surgery you had, but I know that one reason I really
resisted the idea in the past was I didn't want to give up food for the
rest of my life. Maybe your friend feels the same way. Encourage her to
look into the duodenal switch.
— MsBatt
October 27, 2003
After reading all the supportive answers you've received, I've come to the
conclusion that I am the bitch on this topic. I cannot tolerate whiney
people who do nothing but complain. If you are going to do nothing, then
shut the hell up about it. I've told this to friends. Some are still
friends and some are not. Frankly, I don't have time in my life for people
who are set out to drag me down into the mire of their self-imposed
depression. Guess I'm awful, but geez I'm willing to bend over backwards
to help someone who is willing to help themselves. I guess if I were in
your position, the next time she whines that she looks awful or wants to
lose weight, I'd look at her straight in the eye and ask "So how may I
help you? Do you need an exercise buddy, a diet buddy or ???" If she
takes you up on the offer great - if not then she has no more rights to
whine. It's not like your shoving WLS down her throat - you're just
expecting her to be an adult. I never whined about my weight unless I was
trying to do something about it. Sure I DID whine, but it was constructive
whining lol. Make sense? Ok, I'm a bitch, I admit it.
— [Deactivated Member]
October 27, 2003
I believe in a good whine. I believe a good friend lets you whine. That
being said, we whiners need a time limit. Give here a half an hour for a
really good whine then move on with happier conversations. Is there a
possibility that she needs medical treatment for depression. I find that I
cannot spend a lot of time with down people and must move on, but if they
are ill I try to work with them.
— faybay
October 27, 2003
I understand how you feel. I have a friend who I work with who is the same
size as me and even went to my surgeon to get information on the surgery.
She was thrilled she was accepted and even went for sleep apnea tests and
things. Then once I told her she would have to quit smoking 2 months prior
to surgery, she stopped all the things to get the surgery
(pre-certification, another medical test, etc.)!! I think she's stupid to
continue to be MO when she has a tool that she can use AND her insurance
will cover it and she chooses not to have surgery because she can't quit a
miserable habit like smoking for a couple of months!! I just don't
understand.
— Patty H.
October 27, 2003
One of my friends is MO and I talked to her about having WLS. Well, her
doctor is adamantly against it and her other friends (who know nothing
about WLS) are also talking her out of it. Yes, there are risks but there's
no risk in asking her to attend a support group with you, if you are
allowed to bring guests, to find out more information. I don't think you
are a bitch, but I don't think that surgery is for everyone, or she might
not be ready yet.
— Yolanda J.
Click Here to Return