Question:
I am having the RNY surgery, I am single. I have always wanted to be
married. I am doing this for my health cos I am 350 pds, not to get a man. My question to everyone is this, I have not been out with many guys in my life, maybe 3. Two of them ended up being gay. Anyway, my family and a few friends, have told me being fat is why I haven't had anyone, (I have a great personality, outgoing, friendly, sweet). Have any of you experienced not having someone because of being fat? I am doing this so I can be healthy and live a long life with my family and friends but I just wondered if anyone else has experienced lonliness because of being fat? I have a lot of great, good friends. — [Anonymous] (posted on November 26, 2001)
November 26, 2001
I am pre op. I can tell you that for all of my teen years and most of my
adult life my male companions (there were quite a few)only wanted me for
what i could give (money,sex,favors etc.) But I met the man of my dreams
five years ago. He loves me for me. Not what I look like (he thinks I am
beautiful, but I digress.)Being fat is NOT why you haven't found anyone....
The men that you have met are just jerks. When it is meant to happen it
will. I know that sounds like a crock, but I speak the truth. Fat or thin
you will find the " ONE " I promise it will happen when you least
expect it. Good luck on your journey.
— jamie H.
November 26, 2001
It seems like you read my diary.... no boyfriends, broken hearts, stay at
home on prom night,called every name in the book ,fell for a gay guy only
cos he treated me like a real person, and cried enough to fill a small
swimming pool.... but only up to 16 years ago. I met the most wonderful
man- normal weight, straight, attractive- and he married me because he
loved the me inside all this excess. We have two perfect boys (one very
thin, one on the chunky side) and have been very happy. I won't lie and say
he hasn't tried to get me to lose weight, promised me the moon, bought
enough exercise equip to stock a gym and endured Atkins, Weight Watchers,
fasting, Sugar Busters....Stop the Insanity...but is now ready for me to do
this one final thing.
You just need to find the one who loves you the way God sees you..as made
in His image, with all the potential and promise He gave each of us. I do
hope you continue to believe this...even after losing weight, you would
only want to spend you life with someone who sees you in that way forever.
— [Anonymous]
November 26, 2001
I too started out at 350. I have only had one boyfriend in all my life.
He treated me like trash but that was better than nothing, at least I
thought. The only good thing he gave me was the most beautiful daughter in
the whole world. I never uttered the following words or told anyone why we
broke up in the first place, but here we go. During sex--3 months after
having my 10 pound baby, he looked down at my stomach and said "you're
the fattest piece of shit, I can't even stand to be near you". Then
he got up and left. We broke up less than a week later. It hurt, but it
also taught me a great lesson about the kind of people I want nothing to do
with.
I hope to get married one day, have more kids and find a man that will love
me fat or thin. Granted, I had this surgery just over 8 weeks ago to
prevent any future health problems and solve the minor ones I have now.
But, parts of me still think I did this this to find a great guy. I'm
lonely. I'm surrounded by great family and friends, but I'm still lonely
in the "love" sense. I hope we all find the men/women of our
dreams. But, we all have to remember that anyone that wouldn't want us at
our largest/worst, doesn't deserve us at our best! I hold out faith it
gets better. But, you need to remember that this surgery will not make you
more of a person, it will just let others see what they were missing the
whole time. Luck and Love in your future.
— [Anonymous]
November 26, 2001
Most women would have nothing to do with me till I met my wonderful now
wife Jen. Weight didnt matter to her, as she had a weight problem too. Now
we will both be thinner and healthier. Its not just men who treat folks
badly, women make the same decisions too. Your life is about to
dramatically improve in so many ways..... Congrats and be sure to make good
decisions about the opposite sex. Soon after surgery you will get turned on
all the time, so practice safe sex, and try to find a good guy.
— bob-haller
November 26, 2001
There are plenty of thin women who have run into a$$holes themselves on
occasion. You are not lonely because you are fat. You are lonely because
you haven't had the self-esteem to associate with phenomenal people. My
husband and I have been married for 5 years. He has never once said a
negative thing about my weight, even when I was over 400 lbs. We have
always had a healthy and robust sex life, and he has always made me feel
like a beautiful, vital young woman. Did I luck out in catching this man?
No, I don't think so. I think, if it hadn't been him, it would have been
someone else who would have treated me great. The key is having an awesome
self-esteem, being confident in your own ability to contribute to a
relationship and never giving up. Don't worry - you'll find someone. I
know it's frustrating sometimes, because as a MO person, we don't have the
fancy packaging to attract someone right off the bat, but the smart guys
can see who we are underneath the fat, and they're the ones we want
anyway!!! Interestingly, the way my husband treats me now, 150 lbs.
lighter, is exactly the same as he treated me pre-op: GREAT. Nothing has
changed. I don't think he would care if I were 700 lbs. or 80 lbs. He's
in love with ME. That feels SO good! Good luck to you, and never give up!
— Terissa R.
November 26, 2001
I would be lying if I said I wasn't having this surgery to improve my
appearance. I want to look better for myself and my fiance. Most of all,
I want to feel good and have self esteem again. I have been with my fiance
8 years. He's the only man I've ever dated. Sometimes I wonder if I could
find someone better, even though he is a wonderful man. But then I think
to myself, he's the only man that has looked past my fat body and loved me
for me. When we first started dating he gave me this look...like his eyes
told me I was beautiful. I know it sounds goofy but for the longest time
now he's told me I'm beautiful but his eyes haven't told me. I'm pre-op
and trying to lose weight now. I've lost almost 30lbs and just this
weekend he had that look in his eyes again. It made me feel like the most
beautiful woman in the world. I know what you are saying though. The
right guy is out there and he will love you fat or thin, unconditionally.
The tough part is that you will probably find him after you've became thin.
Besides, if a person is so shallow not to love you because you are
overweight than he's not even worth your time. Keep your chin up - you are
not alone.
— [Anonymous]
November 26, 2001
Lonliness comes in all shapes and sizes. For some of us, we combatted the
loneliness by 'putting out' in hopes of attracting men. While it worked
temporarily it always had a down side. I too once had a guy say something
mean and cruel during sex. It opens yours eyes. I wouldn't go so far as to
say I was one of the lucky ones because I feel things are destined by God,
not left up to luck, aligning of the planets, destiny, etc. I met a
wonderful guy when I was 17. He was thin, I was 215lbs. We fell in love and
he has stuck by my side for 7 yrs now. He has not pressured me into losing
weight and tells me often how he thiks I'm beautiful and that he finds me
sexy. It's me though who tells him I'm not. I don't think being overweight
totally repels all guys. Just the shallow, heartless SOBs who require a
thin woman to make themselves feel more secure in their masculinity. My
sister is heavier then I and she has started seeing a man who professes to
her often how sexy and beautiful he finds 'big beautiful women'. She's had
15 yrs of men using her for sex and never wanting to be seen in public with
her because of her weight that she's finding it hard to believe this guy
without thinking he's "weird". That's the society we live in.
REAL men can't express their feelings about finding anyone 50+ lbs
overweight as sexy without coming across as being a freak in love with
freaks. Sorry if I rambled on. :)
— Renee V.
November 26, 2001
Well, my ex-husband and I went our seperate ways 15 years ago. His reason
was I was too fat for him and I embarresd him in front of his friends. I
have not had one relationship scince then. My excessive weight has
prevented me from enjoying social settings and meeting new people, but only
because I lack self-confidance. I know how fat I am and that I look awful
in whatever I wear and I'm just not comfortable in social settings. And, I
occsionally am lonely, but for the most part, once I have lost most of my
weight, I really don't think things will change that much for me as far as
meeting new people or being more social goes. I had this surgery to
improve my health and to feel better, so I could be more active and yes, to
look better. But, I will still have the same friends, the people who like
me for who I am and don't care about my weight. If I meet a nice man later
that is just an added plus, but it isn't a requirement. I've been 15 years
without a significant other and I find I like the independence it allows
me.
— Susan M.
November 27, 2001
I think the post below regarding self-esteem is correct. Although I was MO
for the majority of my life, I was always outgoing and ambitious. Did I
still run into these types of guys? Of course...but I didn't accept or
tolerate their behavior. Bottom line is that there are people in this
world who will use others in relationships for their own personal
benefit...sex, money, lifestyle. The key is not to get emotionally
attached too soon, and watch for signs of that type of behavior. Even if
you're crazy in love with someone, but they are using you and don't care
about you, sometimes you have to find the strength to move on. Personally,
I'd rather be alone than be with someone less than I deserve. Now here's
the flip side...I started out around your weight and am now under goal. I
am now CASUALLY dating a few men, after not dating for a while (at my
choice). Although friends and family knew of my health problems and the
reason I chose surgery, now it's turned into a gossip pool of "She
just did this to get a man." They're wrong, and they're jealous.
I've taken control of my life and created an atmosphere that most people
only dream about - a second chance at life. I'm proud of it, too. I've
always been a sexy and vibrant woman, but the boost in my confidence and
self-esteem shines through in my personality and I attract people. Not
just male admirers, but friends, colleagues, etc. You have so much in
store for you. Having a good base of friends to support you is wonderful.
If you want a man, then go for it. Be aggressive in your search, but set
yourself criteria for those you will date. Discriminate, scrutinize and
qualify, because anyone can act like prince charming for the first few
months. and keep your head on straight and don't get flipped upside down
by someone's sweet talk. Make yourself happy first - inside and out - and
the world awaits you. All the best in your journey...
— [Anonymous]
November 27, 2001
I am 25 and have not dated in 3 years. I agree so much with what Susan said
on here. It is so hard to be as picky as I am and weigh 370 pounds. I knew
the kind of relationship I wanted and what I deserved, but unfortunately it
is hard to date and meet guys when what draws them in to know you is
attraction and trust me, I was attracting no one! Now I am 100+ pounds
lighter, meet guys all the time. It is great. I am the one deciding if a
guys is up to my standards, not waiting for someone to have mercy on me and
look past the fat and see the person. Sorry, it rarely works like that.
When I was 370 pounds, my plan was to get a guy to get to know me and then
maybe he'd look past the weight, yeah it happened a few times, but now I
have guys that actually think I am cute and get to know my personality and
like me even more. I dont blame the guys, because I didnt find myslef to
attractive 102 pounds ago. It is said, but so much of social interaction in
general is based on appearances. I cannot wait to see the difference when I
go from my present 268 to the 100's. It is sad that we are judged by what
we look like, but true that we are.
— Courtney W.
November 27, 2001
I know exactly what you are going through. I have been fat since the age of
5, I am now 21, and I have never had a boyfriend. I've never even kissed a
guy before. I'm scared to death of being skinny and getting attention from
guys. I don't know how i'll be able to handle that.
As far as loneliness, kind of. I've never really had many friends. I can
probably count all the ones I have had on one hand. I basically accepted
the fact that I was always going to be alone, so I learned to entertain
myself. I go to the movies alone, shopping, just about everywhere.
— Heather M.
November 27, 2001
I had a similiar expirience. I didn't really date much in high school and
was very lonely. I managed to lose 50 a few years ago and I met someone who
I fell in love with. Of course I gained it back and then some but he still
loves me the same and we have been married for two years. Get the surgery
for yourself (every aspect: health, self esteem and satisfaction of buying
a pair of jeans in the "regular" sizes) and don't feel bad about
any decison you make for yourself. I feel that when it is time to fall in
love you will and so will he! Doesn't matter what size you are, when it is
your time then it happens! Take care and good luck
— M. S.
November 27, 2001
this question hits close to home. i am divorced and was also hurt deeply by
the one i loved because of my weight. i have a great personality, and TONS
of friends, but at
415lbs NOBODY asks me out.....period. of course if they did, i would say
no for fear of braking a chair or somthing like that on the date, but it
would be nice to be asked. i am doing this for my health yes, but i am 39,
unable to have children and very lonely, and i sure hope, no i pray that
when i become thinner, i not only start dating again, but will meet someone
i love and have a sex life again. sure there are great guys out there who
will love you as you are, but i think a healthier body and mind will
greatly increase our chances of finding one. Good luck!
— Tica G.
November 27, 2001
I believe that there are some men out there who are attracted to overweight
women for all the right reasons, but I believe that there are men out there
attracted to overweight women for the wrong reasons. Those reasons are to
find someone with low self-esteem and who is easy to get over on
emotionally and financially. These are men that have low self-esteem
themselves, but need someone weaker to pick on. I think being obese and
dating sometimes works like a ferris wheel. First, the women's self -esteem
is horribly low, so the low self-esteem guy tries to swoop in to save and
love her, but instead makes her feel even more lowly then she used
to.....Hence beginning the cycle all over again!!!!!!!!!!! Trust me, a man
who just wants someone to abuse emotionally or physically will always
choose the weaker. The weaker meaning the obese woman who is down on
herself and blames herself for her weight and all her problems. This may
sound bleek, and it does NOT apply to all men at all, but it is true!!!!
— [Anonymous]
February 2, 2003
I kind of got were your comng from but on the flip side... I to be honest
went through a time of being premisques (did I spell that right?). I
don't think Im ugly at all, but I have this voice in the back of my head
saying "no one wants a fat girl". And alway question why anyone
would want to talk to me, because if I were a man I wouldn't want to date
me.. I find stupid reasons not to date anyone because I don't want to be
the one dumped.. and I (unfortunatley ) have a bad habit of only going for
unavailable guys.. I know I have nothing to loose.. * I have realized my
issues and basically I just don't date and I don't have to worry about it..
Sounds like a ignorant solution...but it has helped.
— Snowflake48342
February 2, 2003
At 500 pounds, I still had male company. However, my boyfriend at the time
assured me that what kept him from marrying me was my personality, not how
I looked. Since losing weight, I have had the emotional strength to seek
out better company than someone who is always putting me down because I
thought I couldn't do better. I am currently between boyfriends and have a
new mission: Socially interact with one hundred date-potential men in two
hundred days. Going to a singles dances, events and talking to someone
from a personal ad counts as a one interaction. Actual dates are the goal.
I am, as Dr. Phil would say, putting myself into a "target rich
environment". Speaking of which, y'all know any nice single men in
the metro Detroit area? I like jazz, blues, traveling, movies, opera and
theatre. I prefer well-educated men, not necessarily engaged in
wealth-producing occupations. In other words, social workers are as good
as engineers in my book. I know I haven't updated my picture yet (trying
to figure out how to clip from a CD), but I am really turning into a
hottie. Ok, a middle aged hottie, but none the less....Keep an eye out for
me, fellow WLS people. Who knows, you could be the one to create our first
romance connection.
— merri B.
February 2, 2003
This is a great topic and has raised many interesting comments. I really
appreciate the honesty everyone has shared. That said, I have had only ONE
experience with a man saying he didn't want to date me because I was to
heavy. I met him on Match.com or something. Anyway, our first date came, we
met & he told me that. While my pride was a bit damaged because I was
sensitive about being so big, the reality was I wasn't interested in him
anyway. Not because of his looks, or comment, because he was boring. In
anycase, I've been in relationships when I was "normal" and the
same relationships when I was obese. These relationships weren't healthy,
but not due to my weight or anything associated with it. The men loved my
body & loved the sex, my mind & ideas. They just didn't love
themselves or I didn't love them. They didn't work out for a number of
reasons, hence I am single. Bottom line is while looks are important, the
spirit is what attracts each of us to another. If you believe that you are
unattractive, dumb, not good enough, fat, ugly, unworthy of love, ect. That
comes through in the way you project yourself to the world. Would you want
to date someone who hates themseves? I've done it & it isn't fun. Men
& women are attracted to kindness, love, confidence, strength,
compassion, intelligence. Course having a nice ass never hurts
either...you'll get through this. Maybe getting some counseling would help.
I personally have to examine my beliefs to see what it is I'm putting out
to the world. If I believe it, then I can do it.
— LionGirl2k
February 2, 2003
I may as well keep this thread going...The whole man/woman thing is such a
painful issue for me...Although I am reasonably attractive (esp. now that I
am in a size 12 as opposed to a 24) I have rarely dated throughout my adult
life. I have watched men trip all over my thin friends/cousin, etc. and
been so jealous that I never (okay, rarely) manage(d) to spark anyone's
interest, though I speak 3 languages, have lived in Europe, perform stand
up comedy and have "the personality from hell" (in a good way, as
a friend once said). So what gives? I will admit wholehartedly that I had
this surgery so that I could at least have a CHANCE in the dating world,
esp. in Washington DC, which is filled with image concious people (and gay
men). And has it worked as I have entered the realm of somewhat normal
weith? So far no...but I keep hoping/praying. At least now I am willing
to get in the game a bit...even if I come up a loser every time.
— rebeccamayhew
February 3, 2003
Merri did you read the article in O(prah) magazine? LOL I admit I was
intrigued by the woman who said she dated one hundred men (but never kissed
any of them). She said she was waiting for that spark and I'll be darned if
she didn't find what she was looking for. I'll eventually be getting out
there (newly separated--soon to be divorced) and have no clue as to how to
meet guys. I guess it will be a learning experience for me!
— ctyst
March 1, 2003
I too have this problem and agree with Alicia 100%. I have no problem
talking to unavailable me. I'm safe. The weight is on (currently 3 weeks
pre-op) to keep me safe, too. I've never been molested or raped, but for
some reason I do believe I have packed on the weight to protect myself from
rejection. I think sub-consciously I believe no one will approach me with
all this weight and therefore I won't get hurt when they dump me, because
they'll never have the opportunity. Yeach...I guess I gotta work through
this issue, too!! BTW, I'm 41 and single, haven't been in a long-term
relationship in 20 years. Sad, right? 3 more weeks till surgery...2003
will be my year. I want to be in a relationship and have a good, healthy
sexual (yes, sexual) relationship!
— msmaryk
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