Question:
I may be losing my best friend due to my weight loss.
I think I'm losing my best friend of 12 years because of my weight loss. I've lost 139 lbs. now and she has told me many times when My weight gets below her weight she is going to have a very hard time with it.Although I apprieciate her honesty on that i never dreamed it would get this bad. I passed her on the highway when she was broke down and didn't realize it was her or even that whoever it was even had broke down. She is so furious with me it is unbelievable! She is blowing this way out of poportion and won't even speak to me or give me a chance to explain. Could it be that this is a conveiant way to vent her anger, therefore she won't have to see me at all? I'm so bummed out about this. I feel bad enough I didn't realize she was broke down and turn back to help. — Deb H. (posted on November 21, 2001)
November 21, 2001
I had a similar experience and posted a question about this in May of this
year. You can see my question and the feedback I got by going to
http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/question.phtml?N=991205786&Search_Word=best
I'm very sorry about your "friend". I have not heard from my
"friend" since a few weeks after my surgery and I'm now 7 months
post-op and 14 lbs from my goal. As much as I hated to lose this friendship
I realize that it really wasn't my choice and I am ecstatic with my weight
loss and wouldn't give that up for anything or anyone.
— [Anonymous]
November 21, 2001
I hate to say this, but you may have to let this one go. She is obviously
jealous of your loss, and probably has a lot of resentment towards you.
This is pretty normal for any change a person undergoes. You know who your
friends are because if you are happy, your true friends will be happy for
you. If she was very honest with you about her feelings, maybe you should
be equally honest with her and tell her she's got personal problems that
she shouldn't be taking out on you. It kind of reminds me of High
School... I was on a grant and went to some preppy private school in a
pretty uppity suburb of where I lived. So many of my friends had more than
me. They got a brand new car handed to them when they were 16, and I
didn't even get to drive a car for the first time until I was 20 (when I
got a loan and bought one). It was very disparate, but I couldn't resent
my friends for what they had going for them. Their parents did what a lot
of parents would do if they could. Your friend does sound like she's using
this car situation as an excuse to wail on you. Don't let her blow it out
of proportion. Tell her you've had enough, you apologized, you're sorry,
and if that isn't enough I just can't imagine you staying very good friends
with this person. You've finally gotten what you've probably wanted for a
long time... be somewhat sensitive to her feelings, because I'm sure you
understand better than anyone how hard it is for her to deal with her own
weight problem... but don't let her treat you like a doormat. Good luck!
— [Anonymous]
November 21, 2001
The more I read these "lost friends" posts, the more I realize
being fat is like being a drunk. Obesity and alcoholism are both diseases
from which you may recover, but not be cured. One of the tenets of AA is
that you have to associate with the people who support your recovery rather
than those who love nothing better than to sabotage it. It sounds as if
your friend is not really a friend. Go out and find people to support your
new life, rather than hanging on to those people who would love nothing
better than to see you fail.
— Dianne R.
November 21, 2001
I have a similar experience with one of my friends, a bit different but the
jelousy issue is the same and it has been really bothering me none the
less. This friend has only known me since I have been heavy, and I guess
some people like having a fat friend because it makes them feel better
about themselves. She has always dressed in her cute little outfits and
looked very nice, and even when I was heavy I was a good dresser and took
good care of my physical appearance. Well, I am now into a size 10 and she
doesn't seem to be handling it very well. Everything I buy she runs out and
gets, I mean, some things she goes and buys the day she sees me wearing it!
At first I thought that it was a form of flattery, but recently it has
gotten out of control. She constantly talks about how she is also now a
size 10 (all of a sudden!) and gives me her size 12's saying "these
are huge on me, maybe they will fit you." Meanwhile, I have always had
friends who were smaller than me and never felt any jealousy or resentment
and always complimented them on how nice they look,including this
particular friend, so I can't understand her change of attitude. Everywhere
we go, people are stopping me and freaking out cause they don't recognize
me and going on and on about how good I look, etc. Well, when my friend is
with me at these times she literally walks away. She has never even
complimented me. Last week we went out to dinner with she and her husband
and another couple and I was wearing a pair of black leather pants
(whoo-hoo, a dream come true!) and when she saw them on me she was almost
mad. She said "what are you wearing? You didn't tell me you got those,
where did you get them? I am going out to buy them tomorrw! Then she
proceeded to look at my new little boots and also told me that she is
getting them! There is alot more to it than this but you get the idea. I am
beside myself, as I am so hurt by her attitude. My husband keeps trying to
tell me that imitation is the best form of flattery, but even he sees how
she is acting now and doesn't know what to say. Other common friends have
noticed as well. I have no choice but to see her every day as we are
neighbors and our kids are good friends. Eventually, I know I will blow up
as my patience is running thin. I can't believe that a good friend would
deny me my enjoyment, especially since I had some very serious
complications after my surgery and needed two more surgeries and spent
three months very sick. I almost died for this and wish that she could be
happy for me. I guess you and I have to figure out how we are going to not
let people ruin our happiness.Ii don't know if your friend is someone you
see every day or not, it may be easier for you to end the friendship if you
don't, but it still hurts to know that people would turn on you after you
have been a good friend to them. Sorry for rambling, but your question hit
a nerve for me and I wanted to tell you that you are not alone and I am
sure many of us go through similar situations. Email me if you can and let
me know how it is going. I wish you the best of luck and I guess for today,
since it is Thanksgiving, we should concentrate on being thankful for those
in our life who have supported us and helped us through. Off to cook the
turkey...all the best,
— Vicki K.
November 21, 2001
I have to agree with the other people on the board. I have always said
that it is during times of adversity and change that you find out who your
real friends are. A real friend is more excited than you when you lose
weight. A couple of years back I lost about 90 pounds and my friends could
not have been more supportive. Your friend sounds a bit toxic. My advice
to you would be to confront her directly and honestly, explain that you
would like to remain friends but her behavior is making that difficult.
Honestly try to resolve the problem but if it doesn't seem like she is
willing to change, walk away knowing you gave it your best shot and that
some people are not truly friend material. Good luck.
— Elizabeth P.
November 22, 2001
Hi Deb, I just wanted to tell you that I lost my best friend of six years.
I am 3 days pre-op. WAHOOO!! I am 22 and Sarah and I had been best friends
forever, sisters we always called it and I thought we would be part of each
others lives forever. I planned to be an aunt to her children and her be
there for mine. About 3 1/2 months ago she just stopped talking to me
altogether and changed her phone number and moved. She e-mailed me once
saying she missed me and such and wanted to see me then nothing at all. She
never has mentioned my surgery AT ALL and that is very not like her. I miss
her horribly and have spent the last 3 1/2 months mourning her and the loss
of our friendship. I've done nothing but cry. I never thought I would lose
her. Last week, I stopped crying. I am looking towards the future and I
know that this is the only thing to save my life. I can't worry about her
constantly. I have to think of myself and be around positive and supportive
people. I don't need any added negativity. I've found other friends and
although I still miss her and such, I know I made the right decision. No
one can tell you what to do because it's your right to have these feelings
and for someone to say stop feeling that way isn't going to happen. I try
to keep busy with all my other friends and I have mementos and memories
that I'll never forget. Sometimes we only have a limited time with people,
whether through death or through the breaking up of a friendship. Cherish
the time you had together and move on to have more friendships with others.
Enjoy yourself and be proud of your accomplishments and I believe people
who truly care for you will too. Good luck with anything and if you ever
need to talk, e-mail me. :oP
— Lisa W.
November 22, 2001
I know that this is hard to accept, and you need to have friends, but you
must also realize, sometimes people are friends for the wrong reasons. I
sounds like your friend is now jealous of your weight, you didn't say
whether or not she was overweight, but anyway, people are now going to look
at you and see a beautiful person and not just her. If she was a true
friend, she will come back. Don't burn any bridges, just stay a true
friend to her and realize that she too needs your support. We all know how
women are, whether we want to admit it or not, we want to be noticed for
our beauty and when you were the one getting the attention before and now
your not, that's sometimes hard to take. I'm almost positive she will get
over this and realize what a great friend she is losing for no good reason.
Have faith and pray, God will show her and you the answer. You worked
hard to get where you are and you should be proud, don't worry about
weighing less than your friend, you have done the right thing for yourself,
and you shouldn't change for anyone except yourself. God Bless and good
luck, I hope everything works out okay. Have a great day.
— Jana M.
November 23, 2001
Your "friend" sounds manipulative and selfish. A real friend
would be happy for you. Find another friend who is'nt trying to change you.
You deserve better. ;)
— Danmark
November 23, 2001
Hi,
I read some where that God brings some people into our lives when we need
them and some leave as we grow or change. If you were really close, you
might want to try to discuss this with her, and if that doesn't work or you
can't do it then I think you should remember the great times you had as
friends and move on in your life with people who will support you today and
help you grow or shrink as is the case. What ever you decide do what is
best for you.
— MaryAnn51
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