Question:
Anybody else's boyfriend been very against surgery?
My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years is very against this surgery. He feels that I could accomplish the same weight loss with diet and exercise, never mind the fact that I have no thyroid and therefore have severe hypothyroidism, which makes weight loss very difficult. Also, I am only 22 years old, and he feels that I am too young for this surgery. My parents are 100% behind me, the insurance co. has approved me after one week, and I feel I am ready for this. However, I am terrified of losing him, and having to through the whole dating process again. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. This is killing me. Please write back. — Maggie C. (posted on February 6, 2002)
February 6, 2002
Hi there, I'm 20 and my boyfriend of 2 years was against the idea of
surgery at first too. I really had to sit down and educate him on a few
things 1) I'm starting to have serious health problems and 2) Considering
my diet history, I have a very small chance of being able to keep off any
weight. It took a lot of work on my part, but he came to realize that this
is really my last option. I would suggest letting him feel completely able
to talk about his feelings reguarding this, but at the end of it all, you
have to make the decision that is best for you. You are very lucky to have
such supportive parents, btw. Mine are 100% against me for the very
reasons you mentioned your boyfriend is against you're wanting WLS. I am
planning on doing my research and printing up a lot of information
explaning the procedure and post-op life to give to my parents, but beyond
that I don't know what I can do. My mother is of the mindset that this is
"the easy way out" although she has been MO most of her life and
is now starting to have severe health problems at 45. I don't think she'll
ever be supportive until after it's over (if then). My stepdad is just a
jerk and thinks I'm a lard to eats too much, lol. I don't know if I'll
ever convince them, but I have to make my own decisions. I wish you the
best of luck. I am very much in love with my boyfriend and hope to marry
him when we graduate from college. I know if I were in you're shoes I
would be very torn. Take care of yourself.
— [Anonymous]
February 6, 2002
I have been married almost 17 years and my husband was agaisnts the
surgery. He would try to fight with me if I even talked about it, So most
of the time I just didn't bring it up and then as it got close r to my
surgery date he would say you really don't want to do this and I would just
smile, He would tell me he wouldn't go with me to the hospital to try to
change my mind. I would say thats alright I have my family and my BEST
FRIEND and then he would shut up. Well all in all he was wonderful to me
but up until they pushed me through the doors of the OR he kept saying we
can go home now you don't have to do this. I am 4 weeks yesterday and have
lost 27lbs and he has taken such good care of me.To get to my point your
boyfreind is just really scared that something is going to happen to you.If
he isn't overweight like my husband he will never understand why you did it
but he will still love you. You do this for yourself not for anyone
else.Good Luck and I hope I helped alittle.
— Bonnie S.
February 6, 2002
From the beginning my bf told me that it was up to me and that he loved me
for me on the inside. The night before surgery he begged me not to do it
because he was afraid I was doing it for him. I don't know about you but,
my bf is a recovering alcoholic. I just straight out asked him, if you
could have a kind of surgery that would make it easier for you to not want
the alcohol would you do it? His reply was hell yes. I explained that I
am a food addict. And I want to have surgery to help me combat my
addiction. That I want to be able to do things with him not, without him.
Hope this helps in some small way.
— [Anonymous]
February 6, 2002
Hi, I am 22 (23 on Monday). Although my boyfriend is supportive of me, he
still thinks it is too drastic and that I could do it some other way. Even
though I showed him all the info. I could, he still did not really change
his mind about it. I might add that he is 5'11", 150lbs., and could
never comprehend what it is like to be obese. What I think finally got
through to him is when I was crying one night because of all the things
that are wrong with me. I told him how bad my knees and back hurt me
everyday, even when I am lying down. I told him how I have so many stomach
problems, and how I have acid reflux all the time. I told him how it
scared me to death when my heart pounds loudly and irregularly in my ears
just because I hurried up the stairs to class one day. I told him how
tired I am all the time, every day, and how hard it makes it to do all my
studying and homemwork. There were so many things I told him about that
make my life a living hell that I think he finally realized that I did not
want to wait any longer. Who wants to try a few more diets when our health
is failing every day due to this weight? I have tried all my life, and I am
tired. I want an end to this while my body is still somewhat healthy.
— Jennifer Y.
February 6, 2002
First of all, you are only 22. Your number one priority is to yourself,
after all, how many people spend the rest of their lives with someone they
were involved with when they were 22? Not many. What I am trying to say,
is 10 years down the road, you may look back at your fears regarding your
current boyfriend and laugh at yourself. I'm not trying to downplay your
relationship, but ask yourself if he really loves you, wouldn't he be
supportive? If you've been approved, and your family and doctor are giving
you 100 percent support, that is all that matters. Besides, your boyfriend
may be projecting his insecurities onto you. He may be afraid of the
attention you will no doubt receive when you are thinner and healthier.
Good luck to you!
— [Anonymous]
February 6, 2002
I can tell your boyfriend has given you an ultimatum - the surgery or me.
Or, if he hasn't come right out and said that, he's making you feel that
way. Bottom line: loser. If somebody really loves you, they don't give
you ultimatums or threaten you. They talk things out and support you.
Real love doesn't hurt.
— [Anonymous]
February 6, 2002
Does that boyfriend realize just how easily and quickly he can be replaced?
Maybe he does. That's probably his problem. You need to forget him and
take care of yourself - no one is worth losing this chance at a long life
of happiness and success. Good luck to you and I hope you make the best
decision for you.
— Vicki H.
February 6, 2002
Hi, I am 22 years old and 6 months post op and by bf and I have been
together for 2 years. From the very beginning when I started researching
the surgery, he was wonderfully supportive. His attitude is that he
supports me in whatever makes me happy because that is part of loving me.
He was there every step of the way in the hospital. He got up in the middle
of the night to help me walk the halls of the hospital and make sure that
my compression stockings were on correctly. He got almost no sleep for 6
days and was still there with a smiling face encouraging me the whole way.
Now that I've lost 90 pounds and have other men looking my way, he is still
the only man I want because he loved me unconditionally at 265 and made me
feel as beautiful then as he does now. Love is about sharing and support.
But it is also important to realize that he may simply need reassurance
that you are not going to get skinny and run off with someone else. Such a
drastic change can be frightening for our loved ones. Ultimately you are
responsible for this decision as it affects you the most. Make sure you are
very firm in making him understand that. Best Wishes.
— Angelia M.
February 6, 2002
Do it for you!!! And if he leaves you maybe he doesn't really love you, A
big part of love is support and understanding, you'll be a HOT Babe soon,
and there are many fish in the sea!
— Cindee A.
February 6, 2002
Hi. You said two things that are interesting:
1)I want to spend my whole life with him 2)I don't want to go through the
dating process again
I hope that number two is not the main reason for number one. You shouldn't
stay with a person just because it is easier and more convenient than
having to date! I say this from hard experience. I married my boyfriend
from age 19 and divorced him at age 35. Believe me, a 35 year old obese
person does not want to have to go through the process of dating - but our
relationship was not good for me and I had to be strong. However, if you
truly want to stay with him because you love him and truly can only imagine
spending your life with him, then it is worth fighting for. Does he feel
the same way about you? Probably yes or he wouldn't be so worried and
concerned about what you are doing. I wouldn't call him a loser and say to
dump him like others have. The bottom line is that there are many possible
complications of this surgery and you would hopefully be a very long term
post op - maybe even 80 years! This is something that should be a big
concern and he is not totally misguided in being worried and upset. But, a
good relationship does involve compromise. I am not saying that you should
not go through with this surgery. This is a compromise that HE must be
willing to accept. Just as you should be willing to accept something he
truly desires that may not totally please you. If your relationship is so
totally strained by this subject, you may want to consider couples
counseling. I won't lie, big issues like this can break relationships. This
is one of many fights that will test your relationship, just like money
struggles, disagreements about child rearing, in-laws, etc. may do in the
future. A realtionship that is meant to be can survive these obstacles and
will usually get stronger once the issues are resolved. Good luck to you.
— Julie S.
February 6, 2002
Have you taken him to a support group meeting? Seeing other happy healthy
post ops may well change his mind. I really suggest you try this....
— bob-haller
February 6, 2002
Hi Margaret. I don't want to let my frustrations show, so I'm going to be
as tactful as possible (smile). Honey this is not about your boyfriend or
anyone else. It's about you and your needs. Boyfriends come and go (so do
husbands), and I wouldn't make a decision based upon someone who may or may
not be in my life five or more years down the road. He may even fear that
after the weight loss, he'll lose you. He has to work through his fear.
You can't reassure him by not having this surgery. Research the
information, pray, and come to a decision that YOU can live with without
outside infleunces.
— Tammy W.
February 7, 2002
I'm going to disagree with some of these people on one count. Just because
they are young doesn't mean that a couple won't stay together. My parents
were 19 and 20 when they got married and 33 years later they are still
together. I'm young, but my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 and a
half years and I do believe we will get married after we both finish
college (no matter what my weight is). Hon, your bf is probably scared.
Scared he might lose you, either by dying (which the is a very low chance)
or lose you when you lose weight and other guys start taking notice. I
don't think people should discount a relationship because of someone's age.
I took my boyfriend to websites and explained what I wanted done. I agree
with the poster that said to take him to a support group meeting to meet
all the successful post-ops so he can see what your life will be like
afterward. If he really loves you, he will support your decision to begin
a healthier life.
— [Anonymous]
February 7, 2002
I lost my husband to a car accident on Christmas Eve 1998. I had gained a
ton of weight from two difficult pregnancies over 3 years, and another 40
lbs after he died. I was at my heavist weight ever and slowly dying from
it. I couldn't take care of myself or my kids. I had to do something, and
chose to pursue the surgery, against the wishes of my friends and family
who didn't understand. This was about me and my life, and I moved ahead
with my decision. Nearly two years later, I am the healthiest and happiest
I've ever been in my life. I didn't date for 2 years after his death.
Believe me, reentering the dating scene after 10 years of marriage was
hard. But I did it, waded through some losers, had fun dating different
guys, and now have found the most wonderful man who treats me like a queen
and loves my children. He knows about my wls, and we have recently been
discussing additional plastic surgery. He tells me it's up to me and that
he will support whatever decision I make. You've got your whole life ahead
of you. Do what you need to do for you now, and be strong. If I can do it
after what I've been through as a single widowed parent, you can too. I
wish you only the best.
— [Deactivated Member]
February 7, 2002
I am 23 years old. I am scheduled for surgery on March 6th. I was with my
ex-fiance for almost eight years. He was my first love. I've never been
with anyone else. At first he did not want me to have the surgery. I
talked to him about it but he just sat there, never asked questions and
never went to support group meetings with me. We had other problems too.
He's pretty close to being an alcoholic and he never helped pay the bills.
Once he realized I was going through the surgery he did anything for us to
fight, staying out drinking mostly. We drifted apart. I've lost 50lbs on
my own, pre-op. I've got self esteem and he hated it. One night I got
very mad and told him to get out of my life. For two days he disappeared.
He told me he'd met someone. This new girl is very fat, fatter than me. I
hope he enjoys controlling her. DON'T BEG YOUR BOYFRIEND TO ACCEPT THE
SURGERY! HE SHOULD ACCEPT IT ON HIS OWN AND IF HE DOESN'T GET RID OF HIM
NOW! I'm so glad I'm not with that loser anymore. Some guys need to be
with fat women to boost their egos and give them control. You don't need
stress during surgery and you don't need it now either. It's hard to be
alone, but not that hard. You are going to change so much, maybe you will
find someone better after surgery. I know I will. I've already met a few
nice guys. IT'S YOUR LIFE. DO WHAT YOU WANT, SCREW HIM! Sorry to be so
blunt. Good luck.
— [Anonymous]
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