Question:
I'm hoping to have RNY and I'm afraid of starting relatioships after surgery.

I am still waiting for approval my insurance company. I am 26 years old and weight 450lbs. I've been seeing someone platonically for over 2 years and we have reached a standstill in our relationship. I'm still planning to have surgery but am afraid to trust anyone to want to be with me the person, not me the thin person, including the above mentioned friend. Does anyone have any advice for me? I've always dreamed of a family (husband and kids), but I'm afraid that I'll end up with someone who doesn't really love the "real" me. I'm alreay in love with my "friend" but I'm not sure where he stands.    — Ebony A. (posted on April 16, 2001)

April 16, 2001
Ebony, there must be something special about you if this person you are seeing is still with you. Maybe you should talk to that person and get his real feelings. Just because you are big doesn't make you unlovable. There are a lot of big women on this site who has supporting mates that loves them no matter what. This could be the person for you. Big women needs love too. Find out where your relationship stands with this person. To me it is obvious that he cares a great deal and that your weight doesn't play a big role with how he feel about you as a person. You see beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. You could be the apple of his eye.
   — [Anonymous]

April 16, 2001
Ebony: Maybe you should get things out in the open NOW before going through the surgery. If you wait and things develop, you may always have a nagging thought in your mind about 'would he have loved me before?' On the other hand, just getting through all the physical and mental changes that will occur takes most (if not all) of one's energies and strengths. I don't know if it would be the best time to begin a relationship. I don't see any reason why you wouldn't be able to have a family and children in the future. Will it be with this particular person? That remains to be seen. :) If the issue is really troubling you, have a frank and open discussion with your friend soon. Ask him where he anticipates seeing things going and whether there are mutual romantic feelings that could possibly evolve in the future. BE prepared if he says that he doesn't reciprocate those feelings. Know that this may not be because of your weight at all (and if it is, he really isn't worth the time anyway)! People often are at different stages of maturity and need different things at various points in their lives. The fact that he has been your friend for so long means something. Are you able to accept if he doesn't want to be romantic? If he does, how will you handle this given all the changes you will be going through after the surgery? Is his friendship enough? The other option is to get through the surgery and see how things develop. Perhaps going through the process together will solidify your relationship more. Perhaps you will have a totally different perspective on this person one year down the road. Either way, I wish you all the best.
   — Teresa N.