Question:
I too am dealing with family's negative view.
Bonnie, you are not alone in this. I am trying to convince my husband, daughter and sister that I need this surgery. They have all told me I can do it with diet and exercise. That I don't need this surgery.. They are afraid they might lose me. I really don't know what to tell them or how to convince them that I see this as my only way of finally getting the weight off and living a normal life. Does anyone have any suggestions? — babrewer (posted on October 13, 2002)
October 13, 2002
Hi--Thankfully I didn't deal with negativity from my family members
regarding this surgery, but I did brace myself for it when I initially told
them. I have to tell you--someoneo this site has a profile that I read
that really, really made me think. Unfortunately I don't have that
person's name, or I'd point you in the direction of their profile.
However, I can tell you that they said something along these lines: Look
at Oprah Winfrey. That woman has all the money in the world, chefs at her
beck and call, personal trainers,etc. AND SHE still battles her weight. If
you've made it this far (and I'm sorry, I don't know your age, but will
gather from the fact that you are mother to a daughter who has an opinion
that you are well into adulthood) and have been unable to lose the weight
and KEEP IT OFF, I'd say it's time to look for another solution. One thing
that I said to people was that my head and my body just don't match. In my
head I'm an active, try-anything-once kinda girl and my body prevents my
head from following through... weight is an obstacle. And I wanted that
obstacle gone. I am almost two weeks post-op and have no idea how much of
it is gone (haven't been on the scales yet--believe it or not!), but I'm
happy that I've taken this step to give me a richer, more satisfying, MORE
balanced life. I hope this helps you. Godspeed and all the best.
— Karen K.
October 13, 2002
I thought I would get negative feedback from my side of the family and my
husbands side, My husband I thought would be supportive of my decision, but
secretly have doubts that I need to go to that extreme. The only ones I
really worried about were my boys,then, 6&8 yrs old. I am always open
and honest with them although I never made a big deal about my weight with
them, it was the co-morbids that are well known to them that caused me to
"sit out on life". But I explained that Mommies heart and body
needs to get healthy and mommy needs help to do it. I expalined the
surgery, my 6 year old is facinated with that stuff, I told them that it
would make me healthier and oh, along the way mommy will look a little
different because I will loose some excess weight that has been causing
some health issues. They were all for it, they never had a moment of fear
for me about it, and yes I would know...we talked about it all the time so
that it was not a mystery to be feared, They are an active part of my
"tool" my one son always asks..Have you tried that food yet mom,
did it go o.k.? He also reminds me when we go out to eat not to try
something new..it is funny, they both take an active part in my success, I
believe because I had them involved and informed in the beginning. I do not
know how old you daughter is, and I understand the theory of , "just
exercise & diet" that is what I thought My family would say, but
when I told my brothers and sisters, they said great...becasue when I told
them, I just bombarded them with ALL the info I had on my surgery AND
aftercare so they knew that I knew what I was doing and was committed to
it. I am sure that a few of them and some of my husbands family think I
took the easy wasy out, but bottom line...it is your health, not
theirs...You do not have to convince anyone...sit down with them once and
tell them EVERYTHING you know about your surgery and aftercare, tell them
to ask ALL of their questions then and voice all of their concerns and be
prepared with some slid answers, after that....if they still object, tell
them you love them and respect them and want them to love you and respect
that you can make a decision for yourself. It is important to have support
at home, they do not have to agree with your decision right now, but they
need to be supportive. Best wishes
— Patricia R.
October 13, 2002
Oh, I forgot to add..I am 10 months out...Distal/RNY stared at
278lbs...down to 172 lbs now..still going down on the scale. I feel GREAT!
I have NEVER regretted my decision and those who doubted my decision have
since told me that they did think that at first, but seeing me now and how
happy I am they think differently now. See, it is about you...they will
come around eventually!
— Patricia R.
October 13, 2002
Whoops...that was supposed to say.."have some SOLID answers for
them...
— Patricia R.
October 13, 2002
Take a post op to dinner with your family! See and hear their story! Attend
support group meetings! Jen was skeptical at first till the night we had
dinner with Sharon Miller and her family. I am eternally grateful for her
help.
— bob-haller
October 14, 2002
Barbara, they obviously don't know what they are talking about. Don't they
know how you have dieted and exercised before? You need to get them
educated on the subject. Bob is right. Take a post op to dinner, go to
support meetings with them, etc. But, the bottom line is that you don't
need their approval. This is YOUR body and YOUR life. If this is something
you truly think you need, then do it. Don't let others influence your
decision. Yes, the support for this journey would be nice but I think that
will come with time. Especially once they see the pounds dropping off of
you.
I didn't think I would have my Dh's support. I had asked him about it about
5yrs ago and he was dead set against it. When I brought it up again about 2
yrs ago, he was all for it. He knew how unhappy I was, all the diets I've
tried, etc. Yes, he was scared for me (Just as your family is) but knew I
was committed to having this done. Now, I'm healthy as a horse! I'm almost
1 yr post op and down 125lbs with 25lbs to go. I'd do it again!
— Kris T.
October 14, 2002
I am 21 days post-op and feeling great. I struggled for about two years
with those same feelings that the surgery is too radical, that I'm
"giving up". Twice in the last fifteen years I lost over 100
lbs, only to gain it all back, plus. Knowing that I can lose the weight
kept me from seriously considering surgery - while the whole time
my doctor kept urging me. Finally about 8 months ago he invited me to
attend a lecture at Johns Hopkins about matabollic disorders.
It was an epiphany for me. For the first time I realized that my
"problem" (our problem)is not all my fault. Metabollism can
break, just like any other function of the body. Very simply, I learned
that the process of taking in nutrition - assimilating the nutrients -
converting some to energy and the rest to fat, is a process that can break
down at a number of levels. If you eat to get energy, but your body just
wants to "bank" whatever you eat - you eat more and more but
never get the energy level you seek.
WLS doesn't cure that situation. There is no cure. But WLS does give your
body relief from many of the side effects of poor metabollism.
You are not "giving up". Your taking a positive step toward
dealing with a condition that needs to be dealt with.
18 months ago my sister had open RNY - I was not supportive of her
decision. I too felt that if she really tried, she could lose the weight
conventionally. I wasn't facing the fact that she (like I ) has a
metabollic disorder that dieting won't fix. More importantly, I was not
supportive when she really needed all the support she could get.
When I had my surgery (on 9/24) - she was there for me every step of the
way. I had no surprises, thanks to her.
Only then did I realize how much I let her down when she had her surgery.
God bless.
— Lin B.
October 14, 2002
I have not read the other posts so if I make identical statements, I
apologize. Most likely, your family doesn't understand what WLS is, they
may have heard only horror stories and assume that you will die from the
surgery. There are many more successful WLSs than unsuccessful surgeries.
This is not that much different from any other major surgery, no more risky
or easier. If you had cancer, they would force you into the OR for
surgery, this is the cancer treatment for the obese! You will not lose the
weight with diet and exercise--it just doesn't work for people who have
that much to lose. Even if you were successful with d&e, you would
most likely gain it all back plus more. Take them to support group
meetings with you, let them see the successful people themselves. Any
surgery is a risk but this is a decision that you are making for you!
— jenn2002
October 14, 2002
Barbara, read my profile. I faced the same things and my husband is still
not over the fact that I went ahead and had the surgery, but he is happy
with how much healthier and happier I am. Neither of us really expected
this to work as well or for me to have the wonderful results I've had. I'm
truly blessed, but I worked very hard to follow the doctor's rules to the
letter and I really believe that was what has helped prevent any
complications. Be patient with your loved ones and keep the lines of
communication about this open. Get them as much information as you can and
keep reminding them that obesity kills so you are at risk either way. It's
just a matter of how hard you are willing to work at taking care of
yourself. IF you could take care of this disease with diet and exercise,
you would have already done that, I'm sure. Now it's time for serious
treatment. That's what this surgery is. It's a medical treatment for a
deadly disease. IT'S NOT another commercial weight loss gimic or another
fad diet. Good luck and I'll be praying for you.
— Teri D.
October 15, 2002
I had one aunt who was very vocal in her disapproval of my having the
surgery. Told me it was drastic with poor results, and that all I needed
was a good diet and lots of exercise (like this had never crossed my mind
and I hadn't been on a zillion diets where I lost weight then regained
more). Anyway, I sent her a long email directing her to all the sites on
Bariatric Surgery, explaining to her that with my weight and
co-morbidities, my prospective lifespan at this point was maybe another
8-10 years. I also told her I had carefully weighed the risks against the
benefits and the benefits are far greater than the risks. Finally, I told
her that if she did not approve of what I was doing I would appreciate her
not discussing the subject with me or anyone else in the family. At least
for the present, she has been in touch but has not mentioned the surgery
again. Hope this helps you in some way. Just remember, at this point,
your real family are your chosen family, the LOSERS, and those of us about
to join them.
— Arlene S.
October 15, 2002
I too had family members with issues about me having surgery. You know
what though? Sometimes you have to do what you think is right. It's silly
really, when you think about it. Who gives a #@*$ what someone else thinks
about your body? If you wanted to get a tattoo, or a piercing, or dye your
hair a different color would someone else's opinion make a difference? Do
you call all your family members every time you decide to color your hair?
(I realize this is a little more drastic a procedure) It's no one's
business but your own. In my own case, I put up with a bunch of remarks
and comments from my family before I had surgery and I really let it get to
me. Now I'm 165 lbs lighter and a lot more independant. I can't believe I
even put up with what I did before surgery. You do what you feel is right
for you.
— Monica H.
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