Question:
HELP!! I'm ready to start beating my head against the wall...
every time I call my Mother, she tells me she is supporting my decision for wls, but then will proceede to try and make me feel guilty and try to talk me out of it. Unfortunaly not talking to her is not an option, and I've tried telling her that i appriciate her imput, and her feelings are important to me, but the negativity is not helping. She wants me to cancel the surgury, go on a long term supervised diet, and have babies. I want to have babies, but my gynecologist says I have to loose first, and if I do get pregnant now, it would cause problems for me and the baby. I've explained this to her as well... I've had major surgury before, and I have my faith. I know I have God going in and holding my hand with me and that He'll come out with me as well, and that if soemthing does happen, then it's my time to go... I've tried explaining to her and my brother that I have a bigger chance of dieing in a car wreck than from wls, and the odds of major compications are the same as being in a car wreck. Her latest comments to try to guilt trip me are "I have a very bad feeling about this... I wish you wouldn't go thru with it...", and when I confront her about it, she tells me she is being supportive then twists it around like I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill, then tries to make it twist around to being my fault and making me feel guilty. I'm nervous enough about having this done without putting up with all the negativity... Add to that, my brother lives with her, and everytime he answers the phone, I spend time dealing with him. He's got the bright idea that if he keeps (literaly) preaching at me, he'll change my mind. That's not going to happen. The other day he told me he didn't believe in it, and was going to pray that God would put a stumbling block in my path to prevent it. I know everyone isn't going to agree with my decision to have this, and frankly it's there opinion. I just want my family to support me. Barring that, I don't need to keep getting negative comments from them. Thank God for my husband and his family. I'd not have gotten this far without support from them. HELP! — mellyhudel (posted on April 10, 2003)
April 10, 2003
Sorry to hear of your frustration. Just keep you head up and focus on you.
This decision is about you not them.I know it's hard not to let it roll off
especially when it's you mother. But if she says that she has a bad feeling
tell her your sorry she feels that way but you are an adult and you feel
strong about your decision. Let her know you apreciate her concern but you
will be o.k. I'm sure when things are all said and done she will be there
for you. Lots of luck and blessings.
— tracey71
April 10, 2003
Oh my God, This could be my story as my mother and the brother that lives
with her were the same way before I had the surgery. I was so tired of the
lectures. The good news is that after the surgery, my brother came to visit
for a week. His comments were that he was so awed by my new energy level
compared to before surgery. He saw how loose clothing is now on me, 48lbs
loss in 11 weeks. He is now happy that I had the surgery as he now
understands it will extend my life! So hang in there, only YOU know what is
truly right for you. Pre-surgery there is so much tension and worry. That
is no different from all the rest of us. Take care and keep us posted.
— Laura K.
April 10, 2003
Oh my God, This could be my story as my mother and the brother that lives
with her were the same way before I had the surgery. I was so tired of the
lectures. The good news is that after the surgery, my brother came to visit
for a week. His comments were that he was so awed by my new energy level
compared to before surgery. He saw how loose clothing is now on me, 48lbs
loss in 11 weeks. He is now happy that I had the surgery as he now
understands it will extend my life! So hang in there, only YOU know what is
truly right for you. Pre-surgery there is so much tension and worry. That
is no different from all the rest of us. Take care and keep us posted.
— Laura K.
April 10, 2003
I am so sorry to hear that you are having to deal with such negativity.
Have you tried taking them to a support group meeting? Do you know someone
else that has already had the surgery that could talk to them and they
could see first hand their success? My grandmother was very against me
having surgery too. Now, 2 years later, she cannot believe how successful
the surgery was. Now she thinks I was very smart to have it done(go
figure).Keep focused on yourself and what you know in your heart needs to
be done. I will keep you in my prayers.
— Ginger J.
April 10, 2003
Melloney,unfortunely my mother is not supportive of my decision for wls.
Family dont have to agree with your decisions in life (of course it would
be great if they did)but,becoming an adult is great because you get to
decide on WHATEVER You want to do as long as your not hurting any one
else,remind your mother and brother that just because you decide to have
the surgery doesnt mean you are disrespecting them or being ungrateful
towards either of them.just trying to live healthier. Try not to worry God
will guide you through All of this.
— juie B.
April 10, 2003
Just remember you have the group. Your mom is concerned. Thats her problem
to deal with, not yours. Maybe it would help not to bring it up until you
go into the hospital. If your mom and brother are so against that
acknowledge that they are and then get other support. Sounds like there are
some deeper issues going on. Has this kind of thing always gone on.
This is not a crticism or judgement but are you sure you aren't
over-reacting to them. I know myself that it is often the people we care
about the most that can push our buttons. I would tell your brother that
you would prefer to drop the subject and if he can't then talk to another
family member instead. Just tell him you do not have time anymore to listen
and would he get your Mom on the phone. If she starts then cut her off by
saying there is someone at the door or a package has arrived. Let them know
you don't want the negativity.
Remember the group is here for you and we support your decision. Good Luck
— snicklefritz
April 10, 2003
Yes, this could be my story too. My Mother called my husband and tried to
convince him it was a bad idea and get him to talk me out of it. Then My
Mother left me a hand written note begging me not to have the surgery two
days before it was scheduled. I cried for hours. I called 2 very
supportive girlfriends and talked to them. They made me feel much better.
I found out later that my mom was sure that I was going to die from the
surgery. (I just love proving her wrong!) She did come around and was at
the hospital every day, and was fine once she realized that I was going to
live. In the meantime, my suggestion is to talk to friends that are
totally supportive. You know what is right for you. I have never
regretted my decision! Blessings to you! cb - 1/27/03 - 298/250/175
— CrystalBroj
April 10, 2003
It's time to develop some backbone. You say not talking to your mom is not
an option, however, the conversation can be directed by you. Tell her the
subject is closed and you will end the conversation if she brings it up and
then when she does (and she will) tell her good bye and HANG UP. The next
time you call, repeat the procedure. This will be terribly hard on you, but
it is good practice for when you have your own children. Have a good cry
after you hang up, have your husband hold you and tell you that you are
wonderful and making the right decision (he should do that frequently
anyway). Setting limits is hard work but pays great dividends in the long
run. Good luck. Peace.
— Sunny S.
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