Question:
How do I get back into the dating scene?
I'm a 9 month RNY post-op (down 107 lbs). I'm 5'5 at 153 lbs. now. I've been divorced for over 3 years. I haven't dated for over 13 years. I'm a 31 year old single mom. First off, I'm scared to death of dating, but want to date. I meet guys everyday that I would like to date but I get extremely shy around them (I can't even make eye contact with them!). I guess I want to know what I'm supposed to do to let them know I'm interested, I wish I could get over this shyness issue. I'm greatly proud of my weight loss but my mind is still thinking in a 260 lbs. body. I still don't feel that guys think I'm datable yet because of my size... I think I feel that way because of all of the extra skin I have. I still think I look fat because of it. I know I have self esteem issues but what can I do to change all of this? I want to start having fun and living my life! I'm the best I've ever looked now, and at 31 I feel that I'm in the prime of my life. I don't want my shyness and self-esteem issues to dampen my social experiences. There is a guy I'm interested in now that I think may like me also. He's very sociable to me but I clam up around him, even though I really like him. I come across as I'm not interested, I'm sure. What advice can anyone give me? Thanks in advance for any help on this topic!! — Kelly T. (posted on March 10, 2003)
March 10, 2003
Sometimes you just gotta "fake it till you make it". Try to
pretend you are NOT shy and act as such. Just try it for 3 days and see
what happens. And yes, keep working on those self esteem issues. You have
worked hard and it is your turn to shine!!
— Charree K.
March 10, 2003
How about therapy to help get used to the new you..and self esteem issues.
Dating....How about joining a christian singles at church (or non
christian-whatevers good for you). Maybe you could hang out with some
single ladies from work? Im sure they know the best places to go to meet a
nice guy. Ask girlfriends if they know of any single guys they think you
may like. Just take it slow and deal with the self esteem issues...that
would be tops on my list. Having a low self esteem tends to pull us toward
people that sometimes arent the best for us (been there done that). Good
luck to you.
— cherokey55
March 10, 2003
I have several suggestions. Take the ones that work and throw away the
rest.
1. Is there a mutual friend who could run interference for you. Not just
for him but anyone you might be interested in.
2. Try some group dating. Get a group of friends and invite him to go along
somewhere, movies etc. Nothing fancy.
3. Don't rush this. Be yourself but get involved in a mixed club or group
and start going out once a week with a mixed group of friends. Caution this
may cause some friction because your little girl may be used to having
mommy around all the time.
4. If you do date, meet him somewhere away from house at first. That way
there is no thinking instant family kind of thing. going on. A lot of us
still have fat heads on skinny bodies. Its a natural thing. I remember how
shocked I was when I was 325. I thought I was skinny. I was 502.
Try church groups book clubs things like that.
Invite the guy out for coffee as you accidentally run over his cat assuming
he has a cat. That last one will get you both talking. Take it slow and it
will happen. you will date a lot after a while. It doesn't have to be
serious and it doesn't have to be a relationship right away. Take time to
explore.
— snicklefritz
March 10, 2003
Kelly, your right, you are in your prime and looking good so time to put
the shyness behind you and make a bold move. This guy who may like you,
flirt a little. Yes, I said, flirt. Remember when you were a teenager?
Bat those eyes, ask him all about himself, smile shyly at him, give him
those signs that you are interested. Then ask him to coffee/tea. If you
don't let him know that your interested, it will never go anywhere...your
choice..
— Cindy R.
March 10, 2003
remember YOU ARE A QUEEN. i know what you mean when you say you think you
are not datable, but you are not matter if you were 260 or 120. trust me i
feel the same way you do. i just have to keep reminding myself that i want
someone to love me for me and not what i look like on the outside. lol i
even have to mental kick myself into remembering this fact! let's just say
you do meet someone and you end up getting married again...don't you want
someone to love you when you are 80 and have wrinkles? or what if you (god
forbid)were in an accident, wouldn't you want someone in your life you know
that will stand by you? if a man truely feels love for you, there shouldn't
be any strings attached to that love. keep being true to yourself, shyness
and all! ok lol now for some man catchin' advise lol. if you get nervous
when you are around him and feel too uneasy to have a full conversation,
try to have some questions in your mind that you can ask him so he will be
the one doing all of the talking. he will feel so special that you want to
know about him. the key to dating is...people always want to be around
others that make them feel good. letting him know that you are interested
in who he is will let him know that you want to get to know him even more.
you don't even have to ask the questions when you are alone....group
setting work well too. good luck!
— k K.
March 10, 2003
I can totally relate to this posting! I just turned 26 and had the surgery
10 months ago. I've lost over 150 pounds so far and currently weigh around
170 pounds at 5'8". Until very recently, my self-confidence was as
low as when I weighed 324. My solution, which may not be popular with a
lot of people, was so start going out to bars and clubs again! There's
nothing that boosts your self-confidence level more than having several
guys a night hit on you. Granted, they may be drunk and they may just be
looking for something casual, but at least you know that they find you
attractive and sexy. Now what you do after that is up to you. I never
give my number out and I have certainly never left with anyone, but I have
gotten to the point where I can flirt back and dance with guys who come up
to me. Before i started going out, I tried personal ads on the internet,
but that is the last thing I reccommend. Sure, I had my picture up and
guys would already know what I look like, but I would still be too
petrified to meet them, thinking, "Was my pic TOO good? What if I'm
too fat or ugly in reality??"
— R. P.
March 10, 2003
Thanks everyone! I loved reading your suggestions! I get nervous just
thinking about being more approachable but I guess I'll just have to
"practice" being more outgoing. I'm glad that everyone let me
feel that I'm not alone in feeling like this. I've been fat since age 8
and never dated anyone except for my ex-husband, so I'm really new to the
whole dating scene totally. Thanks again for all of your suggestions!
— Kelly T.
March 10, 2003
I am just short of three years post-op, and about a year out post-op I
decided (after much tossing and turning) to place a personal ad in
match.com since I am very shy of guys. I too had been divorced for three
years at the time, and was scared to death to get back into the dating game
again. I specified what kind of man I was looking for and met some really
nice guys that I could first talk to on-line (I could decide if they were
the kind of person I would want to meet or not). I am living with one of
the men I met after he had read my profile, after having emailed back and
forth, and then talked to on the phone a while. It is just an idea. I am
not into the night-club scene(I am a little older too...now 38). good luck.
— twenc
March 10, 2003
I know what you mean. I am pre-op, but worry about when I am finally thin
enough to feel "datable". My fat has protected me from being
vulnerable with men. When it's gone, I'll have no excuses anymore. But
you know what? Even at 260, I feel more confident now than ever before --
I guess it comes with age. I'll just have to bite the bullet and take
risks, just like everyone else. There are good suggestions here, and
you'll do fine. Good luck and happy dating!
— [Deactivated Member]
March 10, 2003
this is just idea , i thought someone should start a wls single s club,
at least you'd know they'd understand where you've been cuz they are there
too,
— mslinda_dreams
March 10, 2003
When I was divorced the first time, Ijoined a group called "Parents
without Partners", gave me a safe enviroment to reintroduce myself to
dating, plus they planned family activites a weekend or two a month.
It was beneficial to meet men who had kids too.
Good Luck!
— ~~Stacie~~
March 10, 2003
I am in the same shoes you are! I am a 31 year old single mother too. I am
6.5 months post op and weigh 190 and started daing about 6 weeks ago by
posting my profile on various online services. I have dated more in the
past 6 weeks than I ever have in my life. I have found someone that I
really like a lot and life is reallllllly good! Good luck!
— Shannon H.
March 10, 2003
I'm older than you, mid 40s, but I faced the same thing awhile back. Had
been out of the dating thing a LONG time, since before I was married, so
we're talking the 70s!! But the time came when I was ready to try male
companionship again. The first guy I was interested in didn't work out so
it seemed wise to me to look for a man who was ionterested in meeting a
woman. So I answered a few personals ads on the internet. The first guy I
dated was nice & I saw him for awhile. The second guy I met was/is a
real keeper. We have been seeing each other exclusively for 71/2 months
now. And all I can say is YEE-HAH! I found the internet way a good way to
get to know someone thru e-mails some before you talk on the phone, THEN,
if you decide you want to meet, you already have some idea of the kind of
person he is & you have talked enough to have things to talk about. I
knopw it seems strange to some people, but I'm sure glad I tried it.
It's hard to get enough nerve up to ask a guy out & there is always the
chance he may say no. But if you don't try, you will never know if it might
have worked out. Plus, being turned down isn't a disaster anyway. So what!
On to the next bigger & better thing! So much of it is attitude-just
remind yourself.....so many men, so little time! :)
— Kathy W.
March 11, 2003
Kelly,
This is going to be very difficult to hear, but in my opinion it would be
very wise to get some counseling before you start looking at dating.
Reguardless of what our outsides "look" like it is our inside
that will keep a "man" past the first date or two. If your self
esteem is low you will attract men that more than likely will take
advantage of you. (I am speaking from experience) I work with disavantaged
women everyday, they are of every shape and size, pretty and young, old and
not a pretty as they once were....all types..BUT they have one thing in
common.. Self worth.... They have poor body and self immages. This
reflects from there souls, more so than there outside shell. So this is
what I say to you, go to a Codependency meeting in your area. Check it
out, if it is not for you then try a workshop or two dealing with self
esteem issues. We not only have to heal from the outside from this
illness....we have to heal from the inside as well. Please be very
carefull out there in the dating world. I try to remember that men are
like puppy's in the pet store window...they are so cute and cuddly, then
you pay big bucks to take them home..and what do they do, they chew up
everything, pee off the paper...and want to sleep in the middle of the
bed...So think twice about the puppy in the window..they all have to be
house broke... (Don't give me a hard time guys...I am engaged)
Rachel
— Rachel D.
March 11, 2003
Kelly, we are so much alike in this area we could be twins! LOL I even have
the daughter. I'm glad you asked this question as it is something I have
been pondering/worrying about recently. Has anyone tried 8-minute dating? I
also have some social anxiety and thought that a couple of rounds of that
may loosen me up and let me get comfortable talking with guys again. And,
face it, you'll never have to see them again if you totally embarrass
yourself! :P If anyone has tried it, please let us know how it went. I'd
really be interested to know!
— ctyst
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