Question:
New boyfriend pre-op, worried about post-op emotions.

I recently rekindled a romance with someone I dated 5 years ago. At the time, I was 31 and really wanted kids, but we broke up because he was a bit older than me and already had 3 kids. We have now rekindled our romance and its been very romantic and loving. I have spent the last 3 years without a boyfriend due to fat girl low self esteem. All of a sudden he is back in my life and things have been great. He is supportive of my surgery (April 11th) but totally accepts me the way I am. My question/concern is that once I lose the weight I know my confidence level will be up and I am worried about my eyes wondering. I am not 36 and still dont have any kids and he still does not want anymore. I am still on the fence about this as I am not getting any younger. But I feel bad about the thought that once I get "thin" that I might to start to look for someone else. I am worried about the person I MIGHT become and maybe neither one of us will like the new "me". Has anyone else had these thoughts or experiences? Thank you.    — Julie D. (posted on March 21, 2002)

March 21, 2002
Fat or thin, this man isn't going to give you what you want: children of your own. He has been honest with you about that. If children are something you aren't willing to forgo, then this is not the relationship for you. I think you need to be honest with him and tell him that you want different things in life and then make yourself available to find the right man for you. This relationship isn't right for either one of you. Good luck to you.
   — Donna L.

March 21, 2002
wouldnt your eyes wander to another man even if you didnt lose the weight? YOu want children and you would always be looking for a man who can give them to you.
   — C. L.

March 21, 2002
You are embarking on a major life change and now is not the time to plan out your future as it is so unknown at this point. It is said that when we have a crisis, death, serious illness, divorce, etc. that we should not make any major life-binding changes for at least one year. The same goes with this surgery. The person you are today may not be the same person you will be a year from now. During this time though, enjoy the company and the support and don't make any long term commitment until you know where you want to be and that includes the thought of having children. That is a difference that may be hard to surmount and I commend his honesty in telling you it is not something he wants. I wish you the very best.
   — AJC750

March 21, 2002
Only you can decide whether this relationship is what you want. I just want to caution you about the having children part. Do NOT think that he will somehow change his mind about having children as that is very unlikely. I think one of the other posters also had a good point about not making any heavy duty decisions right now.
   — garw

March 21, 2002
YOU DEFINITELY NEED TO EXAMINE YOUR RELATIONSHIP. SOUNDS TO ME LIKE THE PROBLEM ISN'T HOW YOU'LL CHANGE, BUT RATHER HOW YOU WILL BE ABLE TO EXPRESS WHO YOU ARE NOW. THE FACT THAT THERE IS A QUESTION PRETTY MUCH SUMS UP YOUR ANSWER. I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP AND I KNOW THAT THERE IS NO QUESTION AS TO WHETHER I WILL WANDER. I LOVE HIM COMPLETELY. IF I DIDN'T I WOULDN'T WASTE MY TIME. I'M PAST THE "WASTING MY TIME" AGE NOW (AS I SOUNDS YOU ARE). HOPE THIS HELPS .
   — Laurie V.

March 21, 2002
Hi Julie... Have you ever heard this saying? 'An ex is an ex for a reason'... I am also 36 with no kids and the man I am with is 46 with 3 teenage children... We discussed this and we do see at least one child in our future together... I don't know if it is your intention to deceive him but unless the honesty and trust is there it will only lead to resentment and another break up... Do you want to place a child in the middle of that madness?? If I were you I would focus on your upcoming surgery... your recovery... your new life and lifestyle... the changes your body and mind will go through... It is a learning experience... A gift... Take time for you... and when you are happy, healthy and comfortable in your own skin... You will become a Love Magnet to men because confidence is such a turn on :-) I wish you the best on April 11th and all the days that follow.... If you want to email me direct feel free... I'm at [email protected]...
   — California J.

March 21, 2002
Wow, I totally agree with what everyone here has said. You may be just comfortable with this relationship, but remember familiarity breeds contempt. If you have not dated for 3 years, give yourself a chance to blossom and meet other men, whether children remains an issue or not. Continue to see him if you want to, but don't make a committment, and give yourself the opportunity to see others. Your self-esteem will sky rocket when you lose your weight. Don't settle for less than you want because you think it's all you can get. You are worthy of having all you want and deserve. Take your time and concentrate on YOU for a while. It will all fall into place. Best wishes,
   — [Deactivated Member]

March 21, 2002
I can tell you that from my experience, I believe once Mr. Right is in your life and he becomes that second part of you..the twin heart/soul...it's not even a question. You'll know it if it's right. I wouldn't worry about things if you aren't 'committed'. I wouldn't discuss long term. I would live for the moment with as much honesty as possible. If your not sure what the future will bring you, let him know that. If he chooses to stay, great and if not, your in no worse shape than you are now. Good luck !
   — Lisa J.

March 21, 2002
He seens to have decided he DOESN'T want anymore children. If having children is more important then being with him, then you need to re-think your relationship. However, if he means more to you then children do, stay with him but after a certain amount of time (a year or so), I would want a committment from him. That's a whole other issue though. Since losing the weight, it DOES make a difference with men. Guys who would have NEVER paid attention to you, now suddenly do. I'm about 30 pounds from my goal and then want to have plastic surgery and I feel this is THE hardest time for me. Your still overweight but getting SOOO close to finishing and your STARTING to look good and people are noticing. It changes the way you look at yourself. Good luck.
   — Patty H.

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