Question:
How do you make your husband understand?
I have been trying to have WLS since November. I have been repeatedly denied by my insurance company. I even had a senator write a letter on my behalf, to no avail. I recently went to the media about my plight. The local news channel aired my story and I was told that they had a good response. I am not trying other routes to have this surgery. The problem now is my husband. He was supportive initially, but he says he is tired of hearing about this surgery. He thinks that if I put this much effort into dieting and exercise I would not need to have the surgery. Although I have tried different diets, I have difficulty sticking to them long-term. He thinks I am being lazy and has said so to me. I try to tell him that he just doesn't understand how it feels to be overweight your whole life and this is the only answer. He just ignores me and tells me I am taking the easy way out because I'm lazy. I don't know what to do about it anymore. Sorry if I was ranting. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to stop fighting for this surgery, because I feel that it is the only thing that will work for me permanently. Any suggestions you could give would be extremely helpful. — [Anonymous] (posted on July 25, 2001)
July 25, 2001
You have been fighting the good fight, congratulations. You may have to
tell your husband that this is something that he likely will NEVER
understand. Sometimes you can shed a bit of light to people by comparing
this to other addictions - we have stopped thinking of alcholics as
"lazy" people who need to "just stop drinking." (Or at
least the informed segment of the population has stopped this line of
thinking.) Every one of us here who has had the surgery can guarantee you
that this is NOT the easy way out. It has never been easy... it's just
easier than trying to do the job without the right set of tools. The
surgery is only a tool.. it is not the cure. Your husband needs to
understand that even with the surgery you will be working hard at following
guidelines and controlling your demons. YOU ARE NOT LAZY. Let me repeat;
YOU ARE NOT LAZY! My husband was fully supportive, but he never could, or
even does understand the need for surgery. But that is because he is not
wired the same way I am. He gets full and stops eating.. "how easy
can that be??" a skinny normie would ask. That concept is pretty much
alien to me. Even if I was stuffed to misery, I'd still be planning my
next meal. Tell your hubby that his support is important to your ability
to succeed, even with the surgery. However, you can agree to disagree
about whether or not the surgery was/ is the tool you need. This is not a
choice of his, it is your choice. Good luck honey!
— BethVBG
July 25, 2001
THis is what I would say to my husband under similar circumstances: Yes,
dear. You are right, I probably am too lazy to follow a diet and exercise
program. I have tried and failed so many times and just cannot get it
right. sort of like how you have been trying to conquer your obsession
with pornography. You know I hate it when you look at it, watch it and
want me to watch it with you. It makes me feel bad when you ogle other
women and compare me to the impossibly built babes in those videos. I love
you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to be the
babe you look at. One way or another, I am going to have this surgery. I
would prefer to do it with your help and encouragement, but with or without
your assistance, this is going to happen. So if you cannot say something
nice to me about it I would prefer that you say nothing at all to me about
it. I love you.
— [Anonymous]
July 25, 2001
Well, first, kiddo, you need to be your own advocate. Never give up. This
is a fight for your life. If you suddenly became diabetic and needed
medical treatment, your husband's opinion wouldn't have anything to do with
it. I had this problem my first time around, and I finally realized that
it is MY body and MY life. I told my husband I loved him, but that this
was a medical problem and I intended to follow my doctor's advice,
regardless of what he thought. I was pleasant but firm, then dropped the
subject, and didn't talk to him about it until I had a date. When I told
him I had the date, he was surprised, but not reluctant. I told him that
I'd really appreciate his support as I was understandably nervous, and he
was fine. My sister's husband also was against it and she took my advice
and he accepted it fine. It's not something to argue about...It's a
medical problem that needs treatment. Best wishes.
— Yvonne R.
July 25, 2001
Agree to disagree? He cannot change your mind as much as you cannot change
his. As long as you follow what you feel is right, there is little you can
do....
I think you need him and the doctor alone in a room.... if it didn't come
from you, and but from a medical specialist, perhaps he would change his
mind. Otherwise, if my husband called ME lazy, well- I'd like to see him
take care of himself for a week, with an extra 100lbs. strapped on his
back. That requires a lot of effort to get about: drive, shop, clean, cook
etc. Lazy indeed! After lugging around that weight, after a hard day's
work, I'd like to see him stick to his diet & exercise routine on top
of it all! ;)
— Karen R.
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