Question:
Can women and men be friends?
Ok...My husband and I have a mutual friend. He is just as much my friend as he is my husband's. If he calls the house then if I answer the phone then we will talk for a few mins or if he calls here, I will call back if my husband is not home. My husband thinks that I should not talk to him unless he is around. I don't think that is right. But maybe I am wrong. This guy is like my brother and that is it. It seems since the surgery, my husband does not like it if I am friendly with other men. It is not like I am looking for anything other than my marriage. But am I not allowed friends, whether they be men or women? What do ya'll think? Am I wrong? — dixieb (posted on June 11, 2003)
June 11, 2003
In my opinion, men and women can't be friends. Not if only one of them is
married. Someone's feelings will get hurt, and it's usually the spouses.
Nothing should be as important to you as your marriage. You needed time to
adjust to your new body after surgery...maybe your husband needs time to
adjust to his feelings as well. If I was in your position, and I loved my
husband and valued my marriage, I'd abide by his wishes on this one.
— kathy B.
June 11, 2003
He doesn't want you to have any friends, or just no male friends? He may
be feeling very threatened and insecure because you are changing and he is
feeling some lack of control in this situation. Perhaps he suspects this
man has an interest in you that you aren't picking up on, and he is trying
to protect you. At any rate, you really need to talk about this and if he
can't really come forth with his reasons for feeling this way, seek
counseling. Some men really have a hard time putting into words what is
going on in their heads. We have a friend who is the same - I went to
school with him, in fact, but we are nothing more than friends. I don't
see why you couldn't have a friendship with this guy, or even talk on the
phone with him without your husband around. If you have a solid
relationship with your husband, it shouldn't be a big deal.
— koogy
June 11, 2003
Sounds like your husband is a tad insecure about your relationship. I am
the same way as your friend. My best friend is married and I think the
world of his wife. If he isn't home, I talk to her. He doesn't think
anything of it and either do I. Show your husband he is still number 1 in
your life even though you are going all these changes and it will settle
down.
— snicklefritz
June 11, 2003
Are we still living in the 1950's? I believe we are individuals and we
should be (i hate to use this word)allowed to establish our own
relationships. After all arent we mature adults?
— Alexandria D.
June 11, 2003
My husband has a female friend that he has known for more than twenty years
, besides knowning her husband and kids . We have been together for ten
years and I trust him compleyely with this lady . They call each other all
the time , and I go in the other room or shopping while they talk . But
they are drag racers and this is the main thing they talk about usually .
It helps to know she is married , and I know them well also . Is your male
friend married ? Maybe if not , that is what your husband is afraid of . Is
it hard to say one way or the other , because you really never know what
can happen between two people down the road . Things DO happen . Good luck
and I hope you can all be friends ............
— patti G.
June 11, 2003
Feel like a Mr. Mom's perspective? As the stay-at-home caregiver to our
two little girls, I have mostly women friends-- we shop together, hang out
a lot and make dinner for each other. In short, we are friends-- my wife
is happy that my days are filled with adult contact and I realize that I am
blessed to have a trusting wife. And, my wife's trust hasn't changed just
b/c I've lost 223 pounds. Maybe you need to have a long chat with your
husband and ask him why he's feeling that way . . . either that or hand him
a rubber band and tell him to snap out of the 1950's.
— SteveColarossi
June 11, 2003
Some of my BEST friends are males and my husband is aware of this. Thank
goodness there isn't a jealous bone in his body. Men are much easier to
talk to and USUALLY they don't gossip about you behind your back!!!!
Nowwwwwww if my husband had women friends..... wwweelllll.
— Delores S.
June 11, 2003
I think men and women can be friends however it does get sticky when one is
married and one is single. When I say sticky, I really mean when one
partner gets jealous. I had lots of male friends before I got married and
still do and yes, my husband gets jealous but I keep reasuring him that I
love him and will never hurt our marriage. We even have mutual single male
friends and he even has some female friends. We completely trust each other
and have open communication; which I believe is essential in a healthy
marriage. So, in answer to the question, yes, I think it is wrong you
should be able to be friends with whoever you want to.
— Sophia M.
June 11, 2003
This is a great question, and was answered very comically in the movie
"When Harry Met Sally." If you haven't seen it, at least watch
the first 15 minutes for this part. It is hilarious. Anyway, Billy
Crystal's character doesn't believe men and women can be "just"
friends, and in many ways I tend to feel that way too. My husband and I
are good friends with another couple, and when our male friend calls the
house, I often talk to him, even when my hubby isn't there. But we never
spend any "alone" time together, nor do I really want to, even
though I like him a lot. The reason - I do find him attractive and that
scares me a little. Both of them (our couple friends) had been cheated on
in former relationships. I was cheated on, too, by my ex-husband, who
initially told me that "he and she" were JUST FRIENDS. So I
think you have to be a little cautious in this area. And I can certainly
understand your husband's insecurity now that you're losing weight and
becoming more attractive. Please don't think I'm "male-bashing"
here, but I don't know very many men who would really want to be friends
with a woman - there just isn't that much common ground. I tend to believe
that the "sex" thing enters into it, whether it is acted upon or
not, and not just from the male perspective. As I said, I find our friend
attractive, and for that reason don't want to spend time with him outside
of the couple friendship.
— Carlita
June 11, 2003
I have always had a variety of male friends...and my husband has had a
number of female friends. I don't like them! :) I trust hubby, but there
have been at least three women "friends" who wanted much more
from him, but HE didn't see it. I am very careful about how and when I
spend time with my male friends and what we discuss. I don't leave any room
for rumors or mis-interpretation - and that has led to an increased trust
for both of us. I can, however, understand that will all the other physical
changes your husband is seeing in you that he could be worried about unseen
changes too. Talk to him! See if there is a way to compromise, if he's more
comfortable with you talking to your mutual friend ONLY in his
presence...well...would it hurt to indulge him while you both adjust to the
changing you? Only you can answer if there are additional problems that a
little time won't cure and bring resolution to.
— Mendi M.
June 11, 2003
My husband doesnt like me to have male friends and i dont like him haveing
female friends so we dont and its much easier that way.
— lisa N.
June 11, 2003
I think it is perfectly fine for men and women to be friends, but out of
respect for your husband's feelings, it might be best to talk with him when
he's home. This is an issue that I think you should both open up and talk
about, maybe even in counselling. It seems he's a bit insecure with your
weight loss and the guy friend thing is just a symptom. As far as having
female friends go, I think it's a bit unreasonable for him not to allow you
to have female friends. Talk, talk, talk. Also, a word of caution. I had
a mutual male friend too, that I thought was like my brother. When no one
was around, he tried to kiss me. Shocked me, and ultimately cost me a lot
of heartache. Just be safe.
— Happy I.
June 11, 2003
I have many male friends- I treaure their frinedship just as I do my female
friends-
it may be difficult for your spouse or signifiacnt other to accept this-
Good Luck
— ~~Stacie~~
June 11, 2003
I wanted to add- that I am married- and at first I was hesitant to share
these relationships with my spouse- but he has never has any trouble with
my friendships- I think it boils down to confidence and trust-
— ~~Stacie~~
June 11, 2003
Look...my best friend is a guy. We've been friends for 13 years. When I
got married, my husband began to view this friend no longer as my friend
but as a man who clearly enjoyed talking to and being with his wife. So
out of respect for my husband, I now limit the contact I have with this
friend...or any other man for that matter. I look at it like this...I
probably wouldn't be comfortable if my husband said "me and my new
friend who is a girl are going to spend the day together." That would
not sit well with me, so why should I do that to my husband? Have a talk
with your hubby and reassure him that you love only him...and then respect
his wishes that you and this male friend only have contact when hubby is
around.
— Renee B.
June 11, 2003
In a perfect world with perfect people, the answer is yes, women and men
can be friends. But we don't live in a perfect world and even well
intentioned people break their commitments and promises. One must know
themselves really well and one must be in tuned with the other person as
well. But, when it comes to your spouse or your friend, you have to ask
yourself "who is most important to me and how am I going to make my
values clear to these people". Sometimes that means taking a stand
and sometimes that means "backing down". Whatever you decide to
do, talk it through with your spouse so that both of your are clear on each
other's feelings and desires. And perhaps you can reach a compromise.
This may not be what you want to do if the world were perfect, but to stay
within the boundaries of your values, this may be the best way to get both
of your needs met. Best of luck and many blessings. Robin
— rebalspirit
June 11, 2003
I would be curious to know from those who have answered this question re:
can women and men be friends.... Of those of you who think men and women
can be completely platonic friends, which among you are currently on your
1st marriage vs. more than 1 marriage and which of you are single/divorced?
— kathy B.
June 11, 2003
And I want to add that my last question is DEFINITELY not bashing ANYONE.
I'm just curious:) I know several of you think I'm stuck in the 50's on
this one. But I think you should not do ANYTHING that makes your spouse
uncomfortable. Hopefully he has the same respect for you. That's my story
and I'm sticking to it:)
— kathy B.
June 11, 2003
I think it depends on how the spouse feels. I have a friend I've known for
almost 20 years. He's like my brother. Because I keep in close contact
with his sister, I run into him or speak on the phone to him occasionally.
He didn't say anything but with the wife throwing imaginary darts at me
everytime I saw her, I told his sister I wanted to know why, and she told
me the wife was jealous. I have tried to be nice to her, and I might
add....I WEIGH 325 POUNDS AND FEEL LIKE A COMPLETE BLOB! But maybe your
husband knows some things about this guy that he's not sharing. Good Luck,
Mea
— Mea A.
June 11, 2003
I am a woman. My best friend in college 20+ years ago was a man, John. We
have remained good friends ever since, and nothing but friends. We were
both single when we met. He later married and then became widowed. I have
been his friend all along, before he was married, while he was married,
through his wife's long illness, and still. John's wife never objected to
our friendship (maybe because she knew that we had had the opportunity to
be more before they dated, but didn't, maybe because she knew, like
everyone did, that John worshipped the ground she walked on). My boyfriend
of 15 years has never objected to my friendship with John. My b/f has
women friends at work. I'm OK with that. I know there is nothing else
going on, and I know that if he were the type of man to fool around on me,
that my "prohibiting" him to have women friends wouldn't stop him
from fooling around. I think it's very healthy and natural for men and
women to have friendships. We learn a lot more about the opposite sex when
the relationship doesn't have the sexual component.
— Vespa R.
June 11, 2003
Your husbands insecurity is showing. If he was totally secure with the new
and improved you, it wouldn't even be an issue. My husband wouldn't DREAM
of telling me who I could or couldn't be friends with! Nor, would I put up
with him telling me that. And, his first wife cheated on him with a
'friend' of hers from work. If anybody should be untrusting, it would be my
husband. But, he totally trusts me as I do him. I go out dancing with the
girls and I get hit on all the time now. Does he worry? No, cause he knows
I'm coming home to him and I wouldn't let anything happen. He thinks its
great that he has a 'hot new wife' after 11 yrs of marriage. Bottom line is
that its your DH's issue and your just going to have to reassure him that
you are not REMOTELY interested in your friend that way and to get over it.
Your still the same person he married. Did they remove your morals during
surgery? I don't think so!
— Kris T.
June 11, 2003
I feel that married people should not have close friends of the opposite
sex. If you are going to be friends with someone of the opposite sex then
it should be done as couples. You should spend your time together as
couples and not limit yourselves to being friends with just one couple. You
should have 2 or 3 couples that you spend time with. Studies have shown
that affairs are more likely to happen with someone you know and have been
friends with. Just something to keep in mind.
— Audra P.
June 12, 2003
These answers are cracking me up. In my opinion, men are just insecure
little boys when it comes to this issue. They get all wrapped up in
testoserone and pride. I am a lesbian.........and let me tell you, I would
sooner DIE than give up my girl freinds - whether they are straight or gay.
If we lesbians can manage to have celebate relationships with other women,
outside our love relationships, then I think its possible for anyone!!! Can
you even imagine giving up your best gf if your partner asked you to? Oh
heavens, no! We have been freinds since we are 16 years old and I would no
sooner sleep with her than I would my own mother. This is about trust and
boundaries. If you have them.....the gender of your friendships is a NON
issue!!
— MissKimberly
June 12, 2003
Kimberly, I agree!! Looks like there are ALOT of untrusting, insecure
people on this board. Married people shouldn't have unmarried friends of
the opposite sex? Come ON!! Join the 21st century! People have affairs
because they are looking for something that they are missing in the
relationship they are in. If your not 'missing' anything, having a friend
of the opposite sex is NOT an issue!! Having a friend of the opposite sex
can be a very enriching experience and brings a whole other outlook on
things. I wouldn't trade my male friends for anything and my DH is SECURE
enough in our relationship to not ask me to give them up.
— Kris T.
June 12, 2003
I'm reading a lot about how she needs to respect her husband's
wishes. What about her wishes? Shouldn't her husband be
respectful of thise? Mutual trust as well as mutual respect
are a necessity in any successful partnership.
I think it would be inexcusably rude to tell a friend, "Sorry, I can't
talk
to you because my husband's not home." That's insulting to
everybody involved.
There needs to be some talking here.
— Jeanie
June 12, 2003
I think it is funny that people say things like "this isn't 1950"
and "we live in the 20th century." Yeah, we now have more divorce
and more men and women having affairs. Until you have been in a marriage
where a spouse has had an affair, you really can't say why someone does it.
Speaking from experience here is how it can happen: You and spouse have a
mutual friend, they are the opposite sex from your spouse. You don't mind
them talking, you trust them. You and spouse are going through a difficult
time (ALL couples do). Spouse turns to friend to talk about the problems,
instead of talking to you. The friend and spouse begin to build an
emotional bond and the next thing that happens is a physical bond. If you
are married in this day and time when our culture accepts the idea "if
it feels good do it", it would be foolish not to affair proof your
marriage. My husband and I decided showing respect for each other and
saving our marriage was more important then our "rights" to have
a friendships with the opposite sex. We secure our homes from intruders,
why not secure your marriage from the unknown. Sure it is an innocent
friendship today, but there is always the what if.
— Cheryl S.
June 12, 2003
I was just wondering how you would feel if this was the other way around?
Can you really picture how you would feel if he was talking to another
woman (albiet just a "friend")when you weren't around? I am
recently married (1yr now) and during the time I dated my current husband
we split up for a few months (later got back together obviously). 2 days
after we split up a female "friend" of both of ours asked him out
and they started to date. Also during this time a male "friend"
of ours decided to ask me out. I went out with him a few times,
but..lol..,my hubby got upset. "How could I date one of our
"friends"? I asked him the same question. To make the story
short, we got back together, both agreed to no longer have
"friends" of the opposit sex, and are now happily married after
:) I guess my advice is just think about how it would feel if the roles
were reversed.
— Mindy R.
June 12, 2003
I would be completely unattracted to any man who wasn't secure enough in
himself and our marriage to be comfortable with any frienship I had.
— Leslie R.
June 12, 2003
I have to agree with one of the previous posters that said if you have the
type of spouse that is going to cheat, it will happen, regardless if you
“forbid” them to have friends of the opposite sex. Some
people just are not monogamous, end of story.
— Ali M
June 12, 2003
Another person's opinion: I think if the friendship existed before the
marriage, it should not have to change much after the marriage. However, I
do personally limit my friendships with males out of respect for my
husband. I would not appreciate him spending time with a woman, even if it
was innocent, just because. So, for my part, I make sure that we do things
as a group, or I just chat and leave, but don't hang around like I would if
the wife were home.
— bethybb
June 13, 2003
I have a platonic guy friend I've known about 2 years longer than my
husband. He truly is the brother I always wished I had. Neither of us was
attached when we met but we met through the personals in the town where I
used to live, hung out together on weekends as single parents, when our
kids were visiting the other parent...movies, dinner, etc. When I moved
here and met my husband-to-be, I introduced him to Andy. And when Andy met
someone he brought her to meet us. They came to our wedding, we went to
their's. But Andy and I don't hang out just the 2 of us anymore. We do
email and talk on the phone from time to time. But spending time just the 2
of us just doesn't fit anymore. My husband trusts me, his wife trusts him
but I know now that I've lost the weight she is jealous (we went Christmas
shopping and when she found out I was only one size bigger than her, I
swear she pouted the rest of the day). We go out now as couples, for
dinner, etc. Oddly enough, I find myself being more jealous now! Here I've
lost all this weight and I'm primping myself and worrying about a sleazy
chick that works for my husband! Maybe I never noticed before because I was
depressed and withdrawn? Yesterday I told him to tell her I'd be kicking
her butt if she makes anymore comments to him (and she did it while I was
there!). Grrr! We've been through too much together to let ANYONE come
between us. Anywho, YES men and women can be friends. But once you're
married you must ALWAYS consider your spouse's feelings, unless they are
completely paranoid and irritational (hopefully though you wouldn't marry
someone like that). Just reassure your hubby that he is your one and only,
that this guy truly is a brother in spirit. We, men and women who are
married or in a committed relationship, have to embrace each other with
positive, loving and reassuring feelings. Be good to each other basically
and that means respect. Good luck to you.
— Anna L.
June 13, 2003
p.s. I forgot to add that my husband is good friends with another
woman...she's a lesbian. She even calls my husband her brother. He was just
at her house the other day helping her partner build a fence in their yard.
They dog sit for us when we go on vacation, we go to their house on
Christmas and New Year's Eve for drinks. To the previous poster who is a
lesbian and said there's no jealousy...please let me introduce you to this
couple...more jealous than any couple I've ever known. Both of them! But we
love them dearly. Everyone can have insecurities...straight or gay, doesn't
matter. If you're a jealous person, you're a jealous person.
— Anna L.
June 18, 2003
I was very good friends with a guy for 5 years. We talked, went to the
movies, even shared stories of each others "personal
relationships" with the opposite sex. After having one bad
relationship after another(both of us) we opened our eyes to what was right
in front of us all the time. (each other;) We've been happily married for
nine years and have a beautiful baby girl. Oh...BTW he's still my very good
friend! In my honest opinion I have to agree with Harry "men and woman
can truly never be friends, the sex thing always gets in the way".
Good luck;0)
— Audrey W.
Click Here to Return