Question:
Why doesn't my spouse doesn't support my WLS decision?
She hopes I'll get scared and cop out. I really want to do this - to prolong our marriage. We've been married 17 years. I adore my wife and want o share a long life with her. I've already had triple bypass heart surgery, at age 32. I think if I don't get WLS, not only will I cheat myself, I'll cheat her as well. — John P. (posted on June 23, 2002)
June 23, 2002
I'VE NEVER POSTED ON THIS BEFORE BUT I THINK I UNDERSTAND HOW YOUR WIFE
FEELS. I AM ALSO WAITING ON A SURGERY DATE BUT I CAN SEE THE OTHER SIDE.
IF IT WAS MY HUSBAND I WOULD BE SCARED TO DEATH ALSO. SHE'S ALREADY HAD
ONE MAJOR SCARE AND SHE OBVIOUSLY LOVES YOU AND DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE YOU.
KEEP SHOWING INFO FROM THIS SITE. IF YOUR DOCTOR IS SUPPORTING YOU ON THIS
PERHAPS HE/SHE COULD TALK WITH HER. IT'S VERY DIFFICULT BEING ON OUR SIDE
OF THIS, BUT I THINK IT MUST BE MORE DIFFICULT FOR THE ONES WHO LOVE US AND
HAVE TO WATCH US GO THRU THIS. KEEP REASSURING HER. GOOD LUCK LIN
— Linda B.
June 23, 2002
Although my husband was very worried, he was able to reconcile himself to
the idea that I needed the surgery because the insurance company was paying
for it. I think that in his logical mind, if the insurance was willing to
pay then it must be necessary!
Good Luck - I can honestly say WLS has been the best - well the second best
(after marrying my husband) - decision I have made!
— Jean K.
June 23, 2002
I agree with the other posters. Keep educating her about the surgery and
it's benefits to you. You might point out to her that insurance companies
would not pay for it, if the complication rates were high...that would mean
they incur too high of a cost for the surgery and we all know how greedy
they are! :>))
— [Deactivated Member]
June 23, 2002
John, My hubby completely supported me in my decision, he watched me gain
over a hundred pounds during the time we have been together and knew how
miserable I was, and how unhealthy. I really was a little shocked at how
easily he fell in with my decision, not REALLY sure he was concerned. I
saw that concern when they were wheeling me into the OR though, I looked
back and he was crying. I was so touched and never felt more loved than at
that time, I had never seen him cry, even when his dad passed away. What I
am getting at is that maybe your wife is simply scared, and getting around
to showing it more quickly than my hubby did :) The best thing for you to
do is stay positive & show her your constant enthusiasm over the WLS.
Let her know of all the wonderful things you want to do when you are able
to (IE, sit in a resteraunt booth, sit in a movie theater seat, be able to
ride the rides at an amusement park). I would also keep brochures and
i-net print-outs laying around for her to read to increase her awareness,
first, of your need for the WLS, and secondly, to expand her knowledge of
the procedure. It's scary when someone you love and depend on is going
under the knife, just keep her assured that your life will be so much
better, for both of you, when this is all over and done. Above all, both
of you should keep God in you plans. I couldn't have done it without Him
:) I'll say a prayer for the two of you. Hugs!
— DonnaCarol
June 23, 2002
John, My hubby completely supported me in my decision, he watched me gain
over a hundred pounds during the time we have been together and knew how
miserable I was, and how unhealthy. I really was a little shocked at how
easily he fell in with my decision, not REALLY sure he was concerned. I
saw that concern when they were wheeling me into the OR though, I looked
back and he was crying. I was so touched and never felt more loved than at
that time, I had never seen him cry, even when his dad passed away. What I
am getting at is that maybe your wife is simply scared, and getting around
to showing it more quickly than my hubby did :) The best thing for you to
do is stay positive & show her your constant enthusiasm over the WLS.
Let her know of all the wonderful things you want to do when you are able
to (IE, sit in a resteraunt booth, sit in a movie theater seat, be able to
ride the rides at an amusement park). I would also keep brochures and
i-net print-outs laying around for her to read to increase her awareness,
first, of your need for the WLS, and secondly, to expand her knowledge of
the procedure. It's scary when someone you love and depend on is going
under the knife, just keep her assured that your life will be so much
better, for both of you, when this is all over and done. Above all, both
of you should keep God in you plans. I couldn't have done it without Him
:) I'll say a prayer for the two of you. Hugs!
— DonnaCarol
June 24, 2002
If you read my profile, you'll see an entry from my wife Jackie. She was
against the surgery but after seeing how well I've done and how it's
changed my life she's agreed that it was the best decision for all of us.
You're wife is scared to lose you. If you'd like, you can email me and my
wife would be happy to talk to her about it. Good luck to you!
— Michael N.
June 25, 2002
John,
My husband was apposed at first as well. He is a marine and has to be
fit for a living. He did not understand how I felt. I did a couple of
things. First, I kept a diary of my day to day living (how I felt
physically and psychologically, etc.) I left it for him to
"find" and read. He did not understand how I felt about my
weight (the frustrations, embarrassment, etc.) Second, I brought him to
this website to see the before and afters and read some posts. Third, I
asked him to pack on 10-10lb bags of flour and walk around all day and then
try to excersize and eat right and take care of everyday life. Needless to
say, he did not pack on the flour, but decided that I need this for ME!!!!
Now he is 110% for the surgery and supports me all the way. She loves you
and surgery is scary, but life as an obese person is even scarier. Good
luck to you and your wife. If she has any questions (or you) you can
contact me. I am also a nurse and have taken care of pts. Again, Good
luck, Stephanie Teal
— Stephanie T.
June 25, 2002
I have never posted an answer, but I didn't see this answer as a
possibility... a spouse often worries that if you really do lose the
weight, that you will want to play the field and/or find someone else.
Alot of spouses have been known to sabatoge diets of their loved ones for
fear if they lose all the weight and become/feel sexy they will be tempted
to cheat or leave them. I've already sensed that from my spouse. Try
assuring your spouse that when you lose the weight and feel better about
yourself, YOU'LL be a better spouse to them and that you'll have no
interest in seeking other love interests. Hope this is another reasonable
option to check! Good Luck! All the other responses are good, loving
responses to this situation, too!
— kristy713
June 25, 2002
I agree with the previous poster about spouses feeling threatened by the
other's weight loss. I just wanted to add that he/she may not even be
aware that they are feeling threatened, or they may not know why they feel
threatened, so tread gently. Also, this is a realistic concern, so don't
trivialize it. Reassure, without acting like it is a ridiculous notion.
The stats I just read in the paper regarding WLS is that 80% of marriages
will fail after WLS. If you have a strong one going in, it often comes out
stronger. If you are challenged going in, statistics urge you to take
extra measures to succeed. Finally, I read that if both of you are MO and
only ONE of you has surgery, the chance of a marriage failure is at almost
100%. Even without WLS, marriage is hard work. Be aware of the extra
strain going in and react accordingly. Funny, my husband was so concerned
that I wouldn't be around to enjoy our retirement savings and raise our 3
kids (I am 34), that our marriage was in far greater danger if I didn't
have the surgery. Good luck and God Bless!
— Karen F.
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