Question:
Is it normal after WLS to have affairs?
hi i have been with my husband for 7 years and married 5 we have 2 kids and and i thought i solid marriage. my husband has always loved large women but was supotive of me when going through surgery he has always been supportive of everything i do and have done. i have reached a bit of a personal crisis as i have met up with a old flame from many years ago who went overseas before my marriage and kids so he never saw me at my largest but fairly big. anyway we have begun a afaair and i am sooo confused as i feel that my husband is not giving me the compliments and attention i seem to be desiring ...i know of course the new man will and all that but its like hes no fun and my energy for life is so big and his isnt..i understand he hasnt gone through this himself its me changing but its like i feel he thinks if he doesnt compliment me in some way itll slow my weightloss down or something. the ther night when i was dressed to meet mylover i stpped in a my usbands work i am 90kgs now and had a black number on ...he thought nite out with the girls.....he didnt complimnt or say one thing...this to me only made me more empowered as i feel he views me as a mum and a wife but not as this vibrant women i am getting in over my head as my family mean the world to me but feel that i am changing on the out and inside but he still only sees who i used to be..... is it coommon after wls to have a affair to get recognition sexually and womanly.....dont attack me this is the first time anything like this has happened and believe me its not taken lightly....its 230 am and my family are asllep in bed and i feel sick at what i am doing but also sooooo bloody happy...HELP — [Anonymous] (posted on February 8, 2002)
February 7, 2002
Fear of things like this drove me to go first, having surgery before my
wife Jen. So I could look and feel my best. I recommend caution. Does the
new guy want a wife or a fling? If its only a fling you might end up with
no one. He prepared to marry you and take on a family? With all those
responsiblities? The weigfht loss turns many of us sexually ON. Is this
lust or love? Hope your taking precautions, a unplanned pregnancy could
really destabize things. You have a 7 year ,marriage or the line, is it
worth the risk? Think of how your kids will feel about you when they find
out whats going on.... Your hubby will know, its only a matter of time.
— bob-haller
February 7, 2002
I think as a women we all want the attention we have not been getting for
the last few years and it is probably a natural feeling to enjoy the
attention of others, an ego boost if you will, after years of insecurity
and self doubt.
While I do not condone the behavior I will suggest that if your marriage
and your family are worth saving to you I would stop now and start trying
to communicate your feelings to your husband. He may not understand that
you need to be told you look good or WOW you look great in that dress. That
you need to be wined and dined and to bring the romance back. Talk Talk
Talk!! Good Luck.
— Krista B.
February 7, 2002
I could be setting my self up for some major bashing by posting this, but I
address this issue in my web page so here goes. I lost almost 100 pounds
years ago when I was married and with the weighloss came an affair. I
ended my marriage, and I was totally honest with my husband at the time of
what I was doing. He would sit and watch me get ready to go over to my
lovers house for the evening. After the weight loss I then was able to
take a really good look at my life and see that I had settled for someone
when I was heavy that I should have NEVER married. I was lucky that I did
not have children to deal with. But, it did really ruin some parts of my
life. I lost some very dear friends and my parents had a hard time dealing
with what I did. When it all came out there was a ton of things that I
never let anyone know about and how unhappy I was in my marriage. It was
not fair for me to hurt the person I was married to. I still live with
feeling bad about that, but he was not giving me the attention that I
needed. We needed open communication. I do have to say that the person I
had the affair with I am still with today 6 years in March! I also have to
say that when I considered having this surgery the thought of this
happening again scared the HE** out of me. SO we talked about this and
addressed my fears and his as well. But, I do have to say that this
relationship is different because he has always told me how beautiful I am
whether I am 345 or 213. This surgery has given me a life that I did not
know I could have, but it also can bring up other things to deal with. I
suggest you take a good look and figure out what you want and talk and be
VERY honest with yourself and your husband. You owe that to him.
— Tawny F.
February 8, 2002
Your question is "is it normal after WLS to have affairs?"...well
of course the answer is emphatically No. It isn't "normal" to
have an affair while you're married IN ANY SITUATION. Get some marriage
counseling...this would include your husband and as the other poster said
TALK it out. If your marriage cannot survive this major change of WLS,
then divorce and have as many lovers as you want. But don't destroy your
husband by having an affair...give him a CHANCE to change first before you
destroy the marriage. Flame away, but you sound very flippant and
uncaring. Your husband is going through many changes, too....it shouldn't
be all ME ME ME. BTW, I am female.
— [Anonymous]
February 8, 2002
I just wanted to add, ARE YOU USING PROTECTION? If my husband were to have
an affair I believe I would be more angry that he is putting my life at
risk. A marrige is supposed to monogomous and we should feel safe from
disease. Condoms can break and you could get an STD. Even with out breaking
you can still get things like herpes and Genital Warts. You are putting
your family at risk so if that isn't enough to stop, it should be enough to
get a divorce. I hope you find the courage to tell him, either way. If you
don't have an open honest relationship, what do you have? By the way, I
have my open rny next Wednesday. My husband and I already had a long
conversation about affairs after WLS. He told me his concerns and I told
him mine. We are very much in love and I have no plans of divorce or an
affair. How was your relationship before surgery? I beleive I am quoting
Bob Haller on this "the great relationships get better and the bad
ones get worse". I hope it all turns out well for you and your family.
Good Luck.
— M. S.
February 8, 2002
I think it's time to 'fess up and to really deal with the issues. Your
marriage is not going to survive this major life change without lots of
honesty and hard work. Do you want your marriage to survive? Do you want to
hurt (or even punish) your husband? Do you want your children to be
traumatized?<p>My marriage of 6 years was having trouble before the
WLS. My husband had been rumbling about wanting to divorce me, so that he
could sleep with other people, for two years... mostly because I was fat
and to him, unattractive. Needless to say, that was painful for me to hear.
After my WLS and two months of feeling better about myself every day as I
worked hard to get the weight off and made huge improvements to my physical
fitness at the gym, I finally told him it was time to make up his mind...
divorce me and get on with making himself happy, or work on our marriage
and never again talk about divorce. He moved out almost exactly two months
after my surgery and it was a huge relief for me in some ways. He got a
girlfriend almost right away, which hurt me some more. When he told me he'd
had sex with her almost two months after he moved out, I told him it was
time to file for divorce... I was really angry that he'd had sex with
someone else without taking any steps to dissolve our marriage. So the
divorce has been filed, and I now have a boyfriend myself.<p>Last
night, I kissed this new man for the first time. Driving home, I cried
tears of happiness (this wonderful man wants ME? and just sheer relief at
being touched by another person in a loving way after two years), and of
sadness (it really IS over for me now with my husband; no more pretending
we might get back together). I am one of those weirdos that really believes
in monogamy; I never even thought about another man until our marriage was
clearly on the rocks, and I never even looked at other men until very close
to the end. I have a two year old and her safety and emotional stability is
actually the most important thing in my life, and that has meant that I
forgo some pleasures for her... and that I work hard on my relationship
with my ex so that she knows that she has two parents that love her, and
that we are not constantly fighting in front of her.<p>So I think
it's time to get into counseling, if you want your marriage to survive.
Even if you don't want it to, the reality is that you have two children
with this man, so you will be dealing with him on some level for the rest
of your life. Don't you think it's a good idea to treat him honestly and
fairly now? Would you be hurt and angry if you found out HE was having an
affair? You wouldn't have asked this question here if the answer to either
of those questions was "no", so it's time for you to decide how
to deal with this, as an adult, for the sake of your children, and the
respect that your husband deserves. I don't automatically think staying in
a marriage is the best course, either, but really take time to think the
next 20 years through. Good luck.
— Julia M.
February 8, 2002
I understand that with the rapid physical and emotional changes caused by
WLS that one might experience some confusion in his or her emotional
affairs. HOWEVER, this does not in any way condone being dishonest. I
personally don't think that the relationship with this other man is
inherently wrong. BUT you owe it to your supportive husband of seven years
to be honest with him. The decision to stay in your marriage or leave is
intirely yours but please don't continue to lie to your husband as it will
only hurt him more in the long run. Have you given him a chance to be the
man you want? Have you communicated with him your desires for more spice in
your marriage and more compliments? If not, you have absolutely no right to
use his attitude towards you as a justification for an affair. My advice
would be to either stop the affair right now until you determine what is
right for you and your family or you need to be honest with your husband
right now and let him know what's going on. That's the least you can do
after cheating on him.
— Angelia M.
February 8, 2002
Here's my take on it: when you lose a large amount of weight- your hormones
go beserk. So whereas you imply that WLS makes people have affairs, it's
more of uncontrolled hormones running rampant through your body that make
you WANT to have an affair. Whether you have the affair is entirely UP TO
YOU. It is my thought that the majority of obese people have lower sex
drives, until they lose the weight. Weight loss in general makes one feel
good, sexy and new. Not nescessarily WLS. It is a matter of will power;
controlling one's hormones and not allowing yourself to be in situations
that may lead to temptation. You don't blame the baker, if you choose to
eat the cake. YOU NEED TO STAY OUT OF THE BAKERY ALL TOGETHER. Plain and
simple, you need to choose. It's really NOT fair to your husband &
kids, to be second place to a passing fancy. If you feel you NEED to be
with this other man, then let your husband go. Let him go find a woman who
will remain faithful to him, no matter what the excuse. Put the shoe on
the other foot- do you tell your husband what a vibrant man he is? Or do
you think of him as a Dad and a Husband? I have found in my marriage that
my husband is not a mind-reader (gasp! really?) and the best way to show
him what I need, is to apply the same to him. You'd be surprised that
positive reinforcement actually does work. So stop blaming this on your
husband, you took the step that you shouldn't have... either stop, or set
him free. As for this man who is pursuing you while you are married- what
kind of man is he? If you hook up with him, leave your husband, what are
the odds of him trusting you- or for that matter, you trusting that he's
not out trying to score again?
— Karen R.
February 8, 2002
What may be normal for some is not normal for others. I can say that
you're normal, for I'm somewhat going through the same thing. I haven't
gotten intimate with my old boyfriend, but I have talked to him , and we
talked about starting something, but he's married as well as I am. I have
had a hard time dealing with this because he was the first man I truly
loved, but because he had children by his now wife, he decided to do the
right thing and be a full time dad. I was crushed by this, but I moved on
met my husband and we started a family. I have avoided my old flame for
years, but recently he commented on my weight loss and we just started
talking. A lot of doors, I felt were closed, opened up. I started acting
different almost immediately after this, and my husband noticed a change in
me. No one can condemn you for this. I just want you to stop and think
about if this is worth changing your life. The new found admiration from
the opposite sex is new for a lot of us, and it takes some time getting
accustom to it, yet don't forget the bridge that carried you across. I
like to flirt, but I try not to go beyond innocent flirtation. As far as
my ex goes, I don't flirt with him because I know I'll take it to far.
Good Luck, and keep us posted.
— Tammy W.
February 8, 2002
I really think you need to look at why you are unhappy with your current
marriage, and whether or not it is worth it to you to maintain it. I am
also four-square for hionesty. I do not in the slightest condemn you for
chossing to take a lover, but I think the investment you both have made in
your marriage requires that you be upfront about being unhappy and why. I
think you need to be honest with your lover too- if this is about attention
and compliments and not about love, he needs to know that too. Balancing a
lover and a spouse, even after everybody is "on the same page" is
rough. I think you might consider the wisdom of AA and other 12 step
systems and make NO major changes until you are a year out. After all, you
have your whole life to live, and you may be setting yourself up to
"mate in haste and repent at leisure".
— jomu
February 8, 2002
My husband had an affair with a high school flame. The pain that caused was
incredible. We had a stale marriage and both really needed to work on
communication. I was going to divorce him but he did a lot of things to
prove he still loved me. We worked through "Relationship Rescue by Dr.
Philip McGraw" and that worked for both of us to see where we both
failed in our relationship and we have excellent communication and we are
more in love than ever. For your children's sake you may want to try it but
it's only worth doing if you end the affair and take responsibility for
your choices. The main problem is the old/new flame can not accept my
husbands choice and we had to get a retaining order against her and make
many police reports because she continues to break it so you may want to
give some thought of what will happen when either one of you want to end
it.
— [Anonymous]
February 8, 2002
Please don't try to justify your lack of self-control and morals by blaming
the surgery for your poor choices. I realize many marriages don't survive
WLS, but that is because one or more of the partners in the marriage
covenant have chosen to stop working on the marriage. No covenant remains
in effect if one of the two has chosen to break the agreement. <P>
Unfortunately for you, you may have already lost your family because
statistically, men are much less forgiving than women are of unfaithful
partners. He will find out. It's only a matter of time, and that is
unfortunate for all of you concerned--especially the children you brought
into this world. They deserve a two-parent family, and should not have to
go through the heartbreak of divorce which is usually followed by
stepparent households. This in turn opens another can of worms.
<P>All this for a feeling. Feelings are temporal and subject to
change--and believe me--they do change. This sexual excitement you feel is
temporary. It lasts a maximum of two years (also a proven statistic). What
remains is what you already have with your current husband--true love.
<P>I feel very badly for you and your family. You are headed for
heartache.
— artistmama
February 8, 2002
My husband of four years had an affair and I had to spend a month in a
hospital after he told me. I will not go into it further than that. I was
extremely vulnerable at this time as I had just been diagnosed with a
chronic illness, fibromyalgia. This was seven years ago, we are divorced
now, and I still have not recovered from this ultimate betrayal. Please
think about what you are doing. You may be totally ruining many people's
lives, including your children's, in this process. This loss of trust has
left a permanent scar on me. Frankly I feel bad for your husband...he'll
ultimately find out and the hurt and betrayal can be totally devastating.
— [Deactivated Member]
February 8, 2002
This is anonymous so if you don't read anon posts, go ahead and skip it.
To the poster Only you can know whether your marriage is worth saving. I
used to blame all the problems in my marriage on my weight. As time went
on I had to realize that my husband and I were just not meant to be. We
didn't have kids, so we didn't have to deal with that. As for your husband
being your 'true love' as someone else posted, just because he's who your
married to doesn't mean that its true love. I was only married once and he
defanitely wasnt my true love. Think long and hard about what you want and
whether your marriage is worth saving. Counseling might also be helpful.
— [Anonymous]
February 8, 2002
I sincerely believe that after WLS we change emotionally. We also see
things that we have wanted for a long time and finally, feel we deserve
these things. We are much more likely to voice this now as we have self
confidence again and feel worthy of good things. We see ourselves as sexy
and new, we feel healthy and want big changes to occur. they should right?
This is what we did this for. To make our lives better. Just one thing.
Other people, friends and family, don't change with us. They stay the
same. They might even seem boring. What we once found as reassuring (a
quiet night with hubby in front of the TV) now seems boring because we can
and want to do more. You're husband is not seeing this nor can he
understand that change inside. If you love him, you will tell him what you
need. Give him a chance to change too. Make your relationship
"new". Instead of giving this new man your attention and
affection, try to give it to hubby. Make a date with him. Let him see the
sexy you. "Play" again. I assure you he will originally think
you have lost your mind but eventually, he will "get it" and love
the new you. This new man is only seeing the new you now. He has not been
there for all the pain. He wasn't there for you at your largest. Want to
know why your husband didn't question you about why you looked so hot?
Because he obviously feels that there is trust in the relationship. Why
should he have to question you? It almost sounds like you want him to be
jealous. I only say this because, in my former marriage I did the same
thing. I sooo wanted my hubby to be jealous (which never happened) but I
never had an affair. Yes, I divorced him presurgery actually, but I didn't
feel an affair was right. you are either married or not. This man you are
married to might not be prince charming but, he was and is there for you
throughout your best and worst. Prince charming doesn't exist. He is not
real and this man will change with time just like all of us do. You even
admitted that in your post that you know it's all "new" right
now. The grass is NOT always greener hon. I eventually remarried and he
married me when I was my biggest but, inbetween, I had to go on food
stamps, and medicaid for the kids. It was much harder being on my own than
I thought. Please please think this through and then go privately to a
counselor for YOU. I agree with the poster who asked what will happen a
few years from now if this new man condones you cheating on hubby now.
Will it be okay for "him" in 5 years? Will he even be there.
There is so much to think about. Do NOT do anything rash and in a hurry.
Good luck to you.
— Barbara H.
February 8, 2002
If your lover thinks it's o.k. to sleep with you - a married woman with
small children - who's to say he won't also think it's ok to cheat on you?
Desire is something we can't control. Infidelity is a choice. You may
desire someone but you don't have to sleep with them. How will you feel
when your lover desires someone new - he obviously thinks adultery is
acceptable. You're heading down a one way path to misery - for yourself,
your husband and your children. WLS didn't make you have an affair - it's
a choice you made all on your own.
— [Anonymous]
February 8, 2002
As the recipient of a cheating husband, maybe I'm too biased to answer this
question, but I'm going too.
No, it is NEVER normal to have an affair - and certainly not to blame it on
your recent weight loss. Stop thinking about the compliments you
"need" and start thinking about your children. I've now been
divorced for 2 years and my 8 yr old daughter is still a mess over the
whole thing. It has impacted her life in SO many ways and caused her
numerous problems. And because of the pain I see her go through, I am
unable to even consider my ex a friend most times. Don't do that to your
kids. A few compliments that are going to come and go anyway just aren't
worth it. How can you love your new body when you destroy your children's
lives because of it?
— Katy B.
February 8, 2002
don't use the weight loss surgery as an exscuse for being an idiot and
cheating on your husband..there are alot of us who are having a hard time
getting are spouses to except our wls..and it's people like you who make it
hard for all of us.that will remain faithful to our spouses...you better
recheck yourself.....best of luck..
— [Anonymous]
February 8, 2002
Oh, hon, I hate to say this, but no, it's not normal or right. After WLS,
we tend to be very focused on our "new" bodies, and the wonderful
confidence they bring. I believe all of us enjoy the attention we get, but
you should remember that whether your hubby is the man you are destined to
be with or not, he HAS stood by you through 7 years , children, and the
trials and tribulations of the surgery itself. For that, he at least
deserves your respect and honesty, don't you think?
There are a lot of changes we go through after surgery, sort of
rediscovering ourselves, but you have to take into account that your family
has sort of been dragged into these changes with you. They need help
dealing with them , too. But I think you must tell your husband the things
that are going on with you, not just the affair, but also the emotions you
are experiencing. You say you are getting in over your head, and it's up to
you to get yourself out. I'm not flaming you, just being honest. Cheating
hurts EVERYONE, yourself included. BTW, My ex cheated on me with a
close(HA) friend, and though I'm remarried to a wonderful man, I still bear
the scars. Good luck to you, Donna in AL
— Donna S. C.
February 9, 2002
I read every all the responses to your question and I just want you to
think about something. You stated that you want your husband to give you
compliments and recognize you on your weight loss. Was he the type man
that freely gave compliments before your weight loss? If not then you are
trying to change him. If you were content with him before and he was not
giving compliments maybe this is just a justification for you to do what
you are doing. I have been married seventeen years and my husband has
never been one to freely give compliments about my hair, my dress or
anything of the sort. I don't expect him to do it now. I know that he
loves me and I don't need him to tell me that I look good because I know I
do. Is your husband still providing for you and the family? Is he
treating you with love and attention? But most importantly, how are you
treating him? Does he deserve this? Honey if you want the other man
please set your husband free. Don't hurt him anymore. Since loosing my
weight I receive compliments from people who I see on a daily basis.
People will tell you what ever they think you want to hear in order to get
what they want from you. If this affair is giving you the mental and
physical things you are lacking at home ask yourself have you made your
husband aware of your needs. Men are not mind readers and they are
normally not too quick to pick up on our signals. Be blunt with your
husband. Tell him what you need and allow him to provide it or set him
free. Its not an easy choice but its one you will have to make. I am not
judging you because I believe that only he without sin can judge. Take
care and God bless you
— Teresa G.
February 9, 2002
Geez, this poor woman came here for help and everybody attacked her! Go to
a professional for help in dealing with all you are going through.
— Laureen59
February 9, 2002
Granted - you don't need to be "attacked" for asking your
question -
However -
Having an affair is NEVER "normal"....
Your problems with your marriage go much deeper than the changes brought
about by WLS...
Not NORMAL at all!!
— Cathy J.
February 11, 2002
I was not attacking the poster of this question, I can actually understand
some of the desire for attention she is feeling. I just hope she
understands we are here to support her, and that we will all have different
views. I hope you find the answers you're looking for. ((HuGS))) Donna in
AL
— Donna S. C.
February 11, 2002
I have becoming to this site for a long time to get advice on WLS issues.
I never realized, though, how many people who come to the site and respond
to questions like this are such paragons of virtue. How wonderful that
none of them are "sinners" and do not hesitate to call others on
their percieved immorality. That is exactly what is needed in a support
group. You know, if you disagree with someone's life style that is fine,
but to attack someone who comes looking for advice is really rotten,
expecilally when you don't sign your name.
— Kathy M.
February 12, 2002
Even support groups offer "interventions" when a member is being
self-destructive. I think must people realize an affair almost always leads
to heartbreak and pain for all involved. I didn't see any responses that
seemed to wish her ill. They were just answering the question she asked.
— [Anonymous]
February 13, 2002
Sometimes we eat to mask feelings of hurt and dissatisfaction with a
relationship which may or may not be how you feel. Talking to a
psychologist might help you sort out your feelings and learn new ways to
open the lines of communication between you and your husband. Take care.
— Lynn E.
February 16, 2002
My dear, I am sorry for the emotional trouble you are experiencing.
Everyone can say having an affair is wrong, and I agree, but no one can
know what YOU are feeling. I think maybe your husband doesn't realize that
he is not giving you that attention. Give him a chance. Maybe he feels a
little insecure. Either way, I am sure it's worth working on with your
family included. Seek some counseling...I think it IS normal to have the
feelings you have after WLS so you want to nip them in the bud and find out
why. Good luck to you and your family. Don't pay attention to people who
condemn you and have the nerve to post it anonymously.
— emilyfink
March 1, 2002
No, I don't think it's normal, but I understand. I am in basically the same
situation. I would like to hear from others who have found themselves in
the same situation.
— [Anonymous]
March 12, 2002
I was also in a similar position. I did hear from many others that the
divorce rate is somewhat on the high side after having this surgery. My
husband and I had our share of problems before I even had my surgery, which
was 27 months ago. He was not very supportive of my decision to have my
gastric bypass. As I lost the weight, he barely complimented me and gave me
the attention I had always longed for. When I was heavier, I thought that
was his reasoning, However when I lost the weight...I waited for those
compliments and they never came. The one person I wanted the attention from
never gave it to me. I got double takes from men and women and loads of
compliments from family and friends...never from him. Is it possible to
have affairs after the surgery? Although many people would probably
disagree with me, I say YES! Of course it is....it does happen. You lose
the weight and you start to feel so much better about yourself. You feel
more comfortable as far as intimacy is concerned and you're also curious as
to what it's like being with someone in your new body. You desire the
attention from your spouse and you're ready to explore, but it doesn't
happen. It takes the self esteem you now have and squashes it. I will admit
this because I'm an honest person, but I did have an affair. Yes, it made
me feel terrible but at the same time, I was given the attention I desired.
My (ex) husband and I have now been separated for 15 months and plan to
divorce. Funny though...as soon as I left, he realized what he had lost and
the compliments started coming....a little too late!
— [Deactivated Member]
May 15, 2002
I'm sorry about all the misery you are going through. I hope you don't
lose your marriage from it. Maybe tell you husband how you crave
compliments and want to go out more. The poor guy doesn't have ESP so give
him a heads up and good luck.
— Carmen K.
June 13, 2002
WLS is not an excuss for your actions. I understand you feel good about
your self, but that's NO reason to ruin your marriage. I think you should
stop your affair and move on by giving all of your love and attention to
your kids and husband!
— TiffanyNicolle
July 17, 2002
The author of Weight Loss Surgery (Barbara Thompson) told me that WLS makes
good relationships better and bad relationships worse. In my case, my
girlfriend (and I thought life partner) could not handle my getting thin
while she was heavy. She cheated with several people from the Internet and
ran away with a guy older then her father two days after I got home from
the hospital. I guess having the relationship done is a good thing, but
the WLS was the critical point that drove us apart. On the other hand even
counseling would not have saved that relationship.... we tried that too.
So now it is onward and upward not living in or regreting the past nor
wishing to shut the door on it.
— Thomas M.
August 29, 2002
I do not want to sound judgemental and I will make every attempt not to.
However, being thin is not the reason you are having an affair, there is a
bigger issue. And don't forget that your husband and father of your
children accepted as fat or thin. He may feel that if he oggles over you
now that you have lost weight he would be giving you a mixed message.
Donm't throw away a marriage and family for a fling.
— Debbie H.
October 15, 2002
I completely understand what you're going through, that's all I can say. I
wish you the best of luck, and will say a little prayer for both of us.
— wschuman
October 15, 2002
I understand completely what you're going through. I'll pray for us.
— wschuman
November 11, 2002
i am going through something like this, but i am not having an affair.
been w/hubby 8 and married 3 have 2 boys. today i went to a divorce
lawyerb/c i have finally realized that i am human and i deserve more
respect than what i am getting from my hubby.
this hasn't been easy but i am only 26 and he still treats me the same way
that i was. there are no feelings there anymore.
i can't stand having him touch me or have sex w/me and some nights i just
lie there while he does his thing. i can be just as happy or more alone
without the jokes or the sarcasm. i think my hubby don't think i got the
balls to get a divorce but he is wrong i'm tired of being unhappy and not
feeling like a woman i'mtoo young to just settle for a man who doesn't show
me respect or romance me or make my tummy flutter.
so, to your question, i think it is normal b/c your bubble is coming down
and you are becoming that person who you have always wanted to be.
good luck and be careful.
your wls friend
— BRANDI C.
November 27, 2002
I can totally see where your coming from. I think after that big of a
change you would most definately crave the reassurace that your a sexy,
vibrant woman. You do have to remember that your husband loved you as a
big woman and he loves you now. Maybe you need to just be frank with your
husband and tell him you crave that reassurance? I've always been dead-set
on not starting something with someone unless you willing to end what you
already have. I think your feelings are natural but how you respond to
them is a direct extension of how you feel about yourself. If you feel
sick at what your doing then don't do it. Suggestion that may work is
direct all your new sexuality and exuberance towards your husband and
encourage him to respond in kind...Maybe he just needs a 'kickstart' to
catch up to the 'new you'! Good luck and I wish you the best...
— Julie W.
December 3, 2002
I have read what everyone thinks about this question, and would like to say
this about it. DO NOT JUDGE SOMEONE UNLESS YOU HAVE WALKED IN THEIR SHOES.
I can say this because I judged a friend about her affair, not only to lose
her as a friend but to end up years later having one myself. And one more
thing if you feel you can give advise, then have the balls to sign your
names. Maybe you are not living such a lily white lifestyle.
— [Deactivated Member]
December 14, 2002
You asked if what you where doing is normal, not immoral. Having an affair
is very immoral, and I am not condoning it in any way...
ok now that I have the disclaimer out of the way...
I can say that you having an affair in your situation is normal. People
dont often take time to realize that a woman having an affair is
preventable, as women almost always do it for the same set of reasons. A
woman has a basic desire to feel attractive and desireable, and if this
need is not fulfilled, it is normal for a woman to wish she could feel that
way....along comes some guy, he makes her feel attractive, and in an
attempt to hold on to a source of pleasure, the woman has sex with the man.
I can say from experience that the act of sex is not half as exciting as
the pleasure of knowing that the guy wants you in a sexual way. But
unfortunatly again, many women with low self esteem have used sex in the
past to gain acceptance (trust me, I know). Right now your hormones are all
wacked out, you're marriage is lacking, you are rediscovering your self and
you are also emotionally weak, otherwise you would not be looking to others
to satisfy your emotional needs. These are the reasons why I have to say
your actions are normal for some people in the same situation.
OK, so now we have identified whats going on....
I feel a little upset at the posters that have accused you of being a bad
wife, and in the same breath said "poor hubby". It makes me sad
to think that there are so many women out there who don't feel that a man
has a duty to keep a woman happy, when it is so easy to do! How cro-magnon
to think that a man can simply be with you when you are fat, and that makes
him a good catch. Then the whole idea of the man supporting you is enough
to make him a good husband. How many women marry a guy that never gives
compliments? Or marry a man that doesn't make them feel wanted? When a man
stops paying compliments, and stops treating you like he "wants"
you, then he no longer qualifies as being a good husband. Somehow, he
forgot his marriage vows too...to love and cherish..etc. So many women have
been quick to tell you that you should tell him he needs to do those
things, but no one has offered sympathy that he somehow doesn't think of it
himself. I refuse to believe that men are so stupid and simple minded that
you need to tell them how to keep you. The fact that men often get
complacent when they are in a "comfortable" relationship is
normal, but by doing this, a man has to be ready to accept the
consequences. Seriously, no other animal in the world simply gets a mate
and forgets to keep her, it is a struggle they wage through-out thier
lives, how sad that people are so different. Morals, what a sense of false
security they give us.
I must point out that keeping a mate is reciprocal, and I am not just man
bashing here. It has to work both ways!
What a horrible state your marriage is in, it probably seems impossible to
fix all the things that need fixing, it's so complicated. You need to make
some choices. You need to either quit or give it your best, but don't let
anyone make you feel like a horrible person! Apple trees only grow apples,
and plum trees only grow plums. If you are weak, you can only expect weak
things to come from you. At least make sure you have done your part to make
your marriage work, then if you have to walk away, at least you can do it
with a clean conscience, and less baggage! I wish you luck and lots of love
XXOO*hugs*OOXX
*the above mentioned post is my OPINION, and just because it may conflict
with someone elses OPINION, doesnt mean that they, or I, am wrong. (even
though I am always right~~~:)
— badmaxxi
December 14, 2002
I agree with the previous poster.. but wanna add my two cents to this.. i
been there done it all and all i gained was lower self esteem.. GRASS isnt
greener on the other side.. affairs dont last and you end up feeling like
you did before it started or maybe even worse.. i dont regret any of the
things i did , i learned from my experiences.. they made me stronger in one
way and weaker in others.. think before you do anything.. b/c you cant take
it back, and peple always find out.. i know it stinks, but when they find
out its always when you have your life where you want it.. good luck :)
— brandy H.
January 30, 2003
I have read the previous post, and it really hurts that other women can be
so cruel. Have you ever experienced the lack of attention? verbal insults?
or anything that hurts you? Well then have some mercy of peoples feelings.
Would the response be different if it was a man asking the same question?
YES Why do we change our tittle when we get married Ms to Mrs? they don't
just because we have children that does not automatically change our need
for attention. So we don't need any other tittle other than WOMEN. And yes
our needs change as we get older we demand more form the person that we
have loved and cared for the last x-amount of years. And when we get
attention from strangers we wonder why? Well the husband has become used to
us and no longer sees us as a WOMEN, he sees us as a WIFE, MOTHER,
HOUSEKEEPER, ETC. We feel attractive and we want our husband to show and
tell us.
I think that when we start to feel this way we must do whatever we have to,
whether is leave them or have an affair.
By all means we must think of the consequence and be ready to accept
whatever happens. This lack of attention might have been there all along
but never bothered us until we saw others giving us the attention we
desired.
My new years resolution this year for the first time ever was not to loose
weight but to make myself the priority. I have breast-fed, been PTA
president, car pool mom, house cleaner, nurse ,gardener, party coordinator,
hostess, you name I have done it for my family, well is about time that I
look after ME, I'm not saying that the girls are not a priority but not my
only focus in life. When the kids grow up they will do what they have to
for their happiness. So how can we tell them to do something that is for
their benefit (like college or the right partner) when we have not done so
ourselves. What is the benefit of your marriage? The reason I say this is
because I know exactly how she feels. I have reached the end of the rope. I
don't see the benefit of staying with someone that don't deserve me. I
refuse to put anymore energy on something that is not working. Good Luck
Honey
Mary Casanova
[email protected]
— MARY C.
February 4, 2003
girl, you felt bad for so long and your self esteem was probably low for a
long time. Now you feel GREAT and your hubby is still in his old mode. You
are in a new mode. I understand that completely. Tell hubby that you need
more. at least give him the chance to change. Talk to a therapist. You have
gone through a lot of changes and you feel great probably for the first
time in years.Like a desirable sexy woman. I can't tell you what to do
about the lover, the guilt may overcome you but I know you are enjoying the
great and new feelings of a love affair. I am waiting for insurance
approval and I know a year from now, I will be facing the same thing. My
husband dosen't want me to have this surgery deep down and it's for this
same reason I'm sure. Good luck, let me know how things are going. you can
call me anytime 304-547-4234 or e-mail me. Trust me I know how you are
feeling. I'm not far behind you. Linda Tyler
— Linda T.
May 5, 2003
It seems to be very "normal" for some "women" to have
affairs. Frankly, I find it hard to believe that this is a first time
occurence. Those I have known that partake in such practices were just as
prone to do so and just as desperate for ANY attention prior to the weight
loss as they have been after. Carefully consider that the man you are
having the affair with is taking advantage of you, and your weak emotional
state. If he is as desperate for sex as you are for attention, I can
guarantee that he will not care what you weigh or what you look like.
Furthermore, if he knows you are married I assure you that he thinks/knows
he is getting something for nothing with no strings attached.
— Lorraine H.
May 14, 2003
Stop it!!!! Now!!!
Just think to yourself...you went through this surgery to have a new and
better life. Although the new man may be making you happy now, You cant be
seriously happy knowing that you may tear your family appart!! Girl, think
also about yourself, what kind of good self esteem could come from this.
Last but not least, did you live that terrible "fat" life...to
find WLS...then to die of AIDS? IT IS a possibility. I love you....Love
yourself!
— ROSA F.
May 25, 2003
Yo made a covenant with your husband A promise to him, and he made one to
you. The enemy wants you to be selfish and fulfill fleshly desires. You
have to break off the soul tie with the Old-flame, and repent. You have a
lot to lose. Don't feel because you think you look good now, you can be
only thinking of yourself, and not your family. God blessed yo with a
family and a hsband who loves you when you were big or small. He broke
those chains of bondage off of you that was holding you down. Don't forget
to thank Him for everything He (God) has done for YOU! I would hate to see
him take everything away from you because you have fallen into the trap of
satisfying the flesh, and making the devil so very happy. Take your family
and pray and ask God to help you be attracted to your husband all over
again. Get away from sin! Jesus loves you an hewill forgive you. But you
have to ask Him and stop sinning.
— Kelly W.
May 25, 2003
You made a covenant with your husband A promise to him, and he made one to
you. The enemy wants you to be selfish and fulfill fleshly desires. You
have to break off the soul tie with the Old-flame, and repent. You have a
lot to lose. Don't feel because you think you look good now, you can be
only thinking of yourself, and not your family. God blessed you with a
family and a husband who loves you when you were big or small. He broke
those chains of bondage off of you that was holding you down. Don't forget
to thank Him for everything He (God) has done for YOU! I would hate to see
him take everything away from you because you have fallen into the trap of
satisfying the flesh, and making the devil so very happy. Take your family
and pray and ask God to help you be attracted to your husband all over
again. Get away from sin! Jesus loves you an he will forgive you. But you
have to ask Him and stop sinning.
— Kelly W.
July 5, 2003
I think that every women has atleast thought of having a affair thats
normal espeacily when their married and gotten use to each other we tend to
think of excitment in our life and how we want things to happen just like
that love story book i read last night WOW how it made my knees tribble
& my heart beat real fast just the slightest sexy flirtaion look from
some cute guy will get you day dreaming and looking at your husband
thinking damn he wasn't even my type what did i ever see in him but then if
you could just stop and look at what makes a family a family what if it
were him having a affir how do you think you would feel knowing he's come
home to you after being with his lover maybe you don't make him feel sexy
either atleast give the temptation time to pass and make new memories with
your husband theirs a new women in his life let him get to know her god
bless you & your family!
— Stacy R.
September 2, 2003
I grieve for your struggle. It is not normal to have an affair. You made
a vow, until death do you part, the hard part is keeping that vow. When I
come to a cross road on any tough decision, I have to fall on a standard I
believe strongly in. I may make decisions I can live with all the time,
but I stick with the decisions I can die with. You may have pleasure for a
season, but it is only for a season. We all answer to God, and he is no
respector of persons. I can't imagine that there are not several ways to
enrich the marriage you now have, after you mend the damage you have done
that is. Please reconcile and stick with decisions you can face God with.
Sorry this is probably not the answer you hoped for.
— Patricia P
September 15, 2003
I am sorry for your hurt and pain. I understand that everyone wants to be
wanted. I even know for myself that even after my husband has told me i
look great I still don't beleive him. The thing is, it has nothing to do
with your husband. It is all about the way you feel about yourself. If your
husband told you a hundred times a day you looked terrific you would not
feel any better. You have to find help for yourself. You need to beleive
that you are worth so much more then what you think. I am not putting you
down for having the affair. Unfortunantly, I do beleive now a days it is
very normal.Is it right? No! The thing is no matter who you are with the
flame burnes out. I meen right now this guy is feeding you with all of
these complimintes but soon it will be just like the relationship you have
with your husband. THe thing is after so long those strong feeling die down
and they are supposed to. Changing men is not going to help you. You need
to feel good about you before you can have a long loving relationship with
anyone. I hope this helps you.
Kim D
— kim D.
November 11, 2003
As a child my mother cheated on my father. What she did not realize is
that she cheated on my brother and me too. She took my family security
away. Think about the pain you will be causing your children. They may
not know about the affair now, but someday they will find out. Remember
why you fell in love with your husband. What attracted you to him? Yes
you deserve to be happy, but you have brought 2 people into this world that
depend on you. They should be your first priority. I may sound bitter, but
it was because all of the pain I went through when I was 12. I wish that
pain on no child of any age.
— tiffany wheeler
November 11, 2003
in the begining relationships are full of passion and excitement, then it
changes to something else. it becomes deeper and more meaningful. even
something as small a simple look can mean i love you and looking in your
children's faces knowing you made them with the person you love. you said
your husband still only sees you how you used to be...have you thought that
he only sees you for the woman he married and stood by for better or worse?
meaning that he loves you and thinks you are beautiful in any body shape
that you may be in and no matter what you are wearing? how often do you
tell your husband how sexy he is? you shouldn't need a husband or a lover
to make you feel sexy or womanly. it is something every woman can feel
inside herself. it must come from the inner you, if not you will never
truely feel sexy and always wait for the next compliment to come along like
a dog begging for scraps. that is cheaping your self. if you aren't happy
with your husband you should be woman enough to break it off before
starting up with someone new. you described a very good and loving husband.
is this how you repay that love. ask yourself....would this new lover have
stood by you during the last 7 years with all that you have been thur?? or
when you were sick and looking like crap in your pajamas? or would he have
cheated on you when you gained weight???
— franbvan
November 28, 2003
Maybe you are just not happy with this guy? Anyway, you are changing but a
new guy is not going to solve your problems. Have fun, do what you must but
whereever you go, there you are.
— lynmiglino
November 28, 2003
I'm not going to flame you. I would say that in the end you will only be
shooting down yourself. you deserve better. Sorry, having been divorced
twice, I don't believe in "until death do you part". I would,
however,suggest self counseling or partner counseling and then divorce
rather then have an affair. My kids were MUCH happier AFTER I divorced. I
put so mucgh energy into trying to stay married I had no energy for them or
myself.
— Connie M.
November 28, 2003
Not a flame - just a couple of comments: If you are this unhappy in your
marraige, don't cheat - get OUT of it. You are doing your husband and
children and yourself a great injustice. Second, many affairs don't hold
up under the light of day, because the excitement ends. Would this man
still be the same way after 7 years and children? Probably not. Some are,
but rarely. We get complacent and comfortable and (heaven forbid)
trusting. Lastly, I've always considered that I would never sleep with a
married man and try a relationship with him, because if he'd cheat on his
wife, he'd someday cheat on me. Wonder if your old flame looks at you the
same way?
— [Deactivated Member]
December 21, 2003
I'm just wondering if you have even expressed your feelings to your
husband? Maybe your husband is scared right now of all the changes in you.
Hubby may be afraid to give you too many compliments because he is scared
that if he affirms how nice you look that you will be even more determined
to making other mens heads turn! If you truly love your husband then stop
the affair and start talking to your husband, let him know how you are
feeling and what it is that you feel you are lacking in your marriage. If
you want to continue with the fling then you need to be upfront with your
husband and get out of the marriage. Just remember that just because you
don't want him anymore doesn't mean that some other woman won't love him
and be faithful to him. The grass alway's looks greener on the other side.
If something happened and you gained all your weight back, would your
fling still be with you then? Would you be comfortable having an affair
being so overweight? Was you heavy when you married your husband? Did you
marry your husband for love or because you felt he was the best you could
get at the time? Has your husband supported you through the weight
loss...taking care of you? Taking care of the kids? Getting you medecine?
Taking you to appointments? Being by your side before,during, and after
surgery? I'm not saying that you should stay because you owe him, I just
want you to be fair to him and yourself. You want your cake and eat it too
right now. You have the best of both worlds while your husband is probably
suffering inside.
Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes that we wish we could change but
if you learn something from the mistakes then sometimes we become a better
person for it. It's the people that never learn that ends up very unhappy
and lonely.
Now for the hard deep truth of it all....Are you willing to divorce and not
take your husband to the cleaners since you are the one wanting out of the
relationship? Are you willing to give your husband custody of the kids?
Are you willing to pay support? If not, WHY? Why do you feel that you
deserve to have the kids and the support when you are the one that has
destroyed the marriage? What if hubby finds out and you no longer have a
choice? I'm just curious how your life has turned out since you posted
this.
— Vickie R.
January 26, 2004
Seems to me you want to blame your husband when you must take full
responsability for cheating on him! You need your husband to be your scape
goat. I hope you stop your cheating and try to work at the real problem
and weight is not it, it is your head. Be proud that who have lost the
weight but remember who was there when you were fat and that would be your
husband. Men go through a lot after there wives have this surgery but they
don't want us to know how insecure they have become so give him a break
that he is not falling all over you all the time. You need to not be so
wrapped up in your self have you shown him the affection you have shown the
other man? I bet not!
Try it you both might like it.
I am 43 and have lost all 145 lbs. and I would not dream of giving my new
and improved me to any one but my husband.
He was with me through extremely thick and now he is with me through thin.
I know you will either work on your issue or let him go to find some one
who will care for his needs. Harsh I know, but reality.
Cindy
CA.
— Cynthia Garza
April 13, 2004
Poor baby. Sounds like an attention getting "problem". Tsk,
Tsk! You obviously can't take care of your husband's needs. What makes
you think this new "man" will stay.
— LORRAINE A.
November 30, 2004
I know this post was from a while back, but I really need to comment on
it...I can 100% relate to this woman, because I have recently been through
the same ordeal. I felt that I wasn't getting the attention I deserved and
needed as a woman. I felt like I needed a little more excitement because I
had more energy and wanted to do more but my husband wasn't changing like I
was...so I strayed. It was the worst mistake / decision I have ever made.
He found out. We separated for a month and a half before we got back
together. (Mind you, through all this, I'm pregnant ) During that time, I
reflected back on our marriage, what a wonderful person and husband he has
been to me and the fact that I could have just lost the most important
person in my life. I hated myself for hurting him like that. But also
during this time, the Lord, Jesus came knocking on my door...and I am so
glad I answered. I received him as my Lord and Saviour, repented on my sins
learned to forgive myself because I knew HE forgave me and began a new life
through Him. I can honestly say that He saved my life. I was miserable but
now we're the happiest we've ever been. My husband said that he can
honestly say that if I had not found Jesus, and started down the right path
that I'm on today that he would not be with me. We don't ponder in the
past, we live for today and what great things God will bring for us
tomorrow as long as we are committed to Him and trust Him with our lives.
Needless to say...we are expecting our first child, a little girl in
February. I know now that I almost lost everything that I truely had wanted
and needed for some stupid, selfish, immoral, sin. I really hope you do
what's best...turn to God for the answers.
— Desiree
April 12, 2005
I have not had the WLS yet, but am planning on it. I have had an affair
with a married man. It's so fun, so exciting, best sex, more than
flattering!
Questions is, how important is your family? An affair is only a secret for
a little while. You can not hide it forever.
Suggestion: Start having dates with your husband. Plan romantic dinners
out. Get dressed up, make him get dressed up. Get a motel for a weekend.
Rev up you sex together. You need to come right out and tell your husband
that you need and want his attention. You want more hugging, kissing and
everything else. Let him know that you have changed and that you are
feeling more loving and sexual than you have ever felt in your life. He
may actually find this pretty exciting!
You have changed. So clue your husband in to the new you. Affairs never
end well. Some one is always hurt or destroyed.
You love your husband and he obviously loves you. It's hard to compare an
affair with reality.
— Snoopy
June 5, 2005
I have a friend with the same problem. Lost weight and started having
affairs. I also lost weight and had an offer and turned it down,
because...I am worth more than that and so are you. This isn't about your
husband or your lover. It is about you. How do you feel about yourself?
Sexier? Sure!! More confident? Absolutely! But you need time to adjust to
the new you and so does everybody else. Any guy that will sneek around to
see you isn't worth it. Not only does he not think very much of himself for
this, he doesn't think very much of you either. It's true! He may give you
compliments and stuff, but what is he getting in return?? What are you
risking versus what he is risking? When I turned down my offer I did it not
because I loved my husband, although I did, but things were rocky. I did it
because I had to learn to respect myself and others had to learn to respect
me. But even better than that I wasn't going to put my kids family in
jeopardy and I didn't want to be the one to break up their family. I could
never forgive myself. Can you just imagine hearing your kids say to you in
a few years.... Mom why did you have to sleep with that guy and ruin my
family? Why did you have to be so selfish? Their are other ways of getting
fulfillment. Ask yourself why you really need the attention from this other
guy? Why do you need him or anyone to make you feel better about who you
are? That is the real question. Good luck.
— lillykins73
August 15, 2005
You know, I'm in a unique position. Not only have I had the surgery but I
am also a counselor. Following surgery, we make major changes in how we
view ourselves as people. When we were overweight many opportunites were
not available to us. As these become available when we loose weight we
need to ask ourselves what we really need and how to get it. We might have
known before that we needed compliments but perhaps when they didn't come-
we ate about it and stuffed the feelings. The question is: you have
needs: for compliments, to see yourself as a sexy vibrant woman, to
experience yourself in a way you never could growing up because of your
weight. The answer is: there are many ways to get these needs met and you
need to explore them with someone who can be neutral and help you CHOOSE
how you are going to live thin rather than feel like you're being driven by
needs with few options on how to meet them. As we loose the weight we need
to allow ourselves to re-experience life in a safe way so that we can
"try on" different ways of being thin. This way we can see
which ones "fit" without hurting ourselves or others in the
process.
— kathleen H.
September 24, 2005
honestly I think you need to tell your husband how you feel. He isnt a mind
reader, Did he compliment you before the surgery? If he didnt then whats
the problem other than you two need to learn to communicate, and possible
see a marriage counselor.
— maria_sola
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