Question:
How do you tell your children you are scheduled for surgery?
My children range from the age of 21,20,19 & 16 we have always been supportive and talk about any and all health & personal issues, my father taught us as children that when you care and love a person you love them unconditionally and this is what my husband and I have taught our children, I never wanted them to know about my health issues because Mom (in a Mom's world) is never suposed to get sick. I havn 't told them that I am scheduled for surgery (November 4 ) I am happy to finally be getting it done and the good Lord knows that I have spent sleepless nights thinking of the what if's of a surgery gone bad, even though the odds of that happening are low I guess I have always protected them from feeling hurt they have family's of their own now and I have 2 grandsons 1 granddaughter, with another on the way. My 16 yr old is still at home and very much a Mamas boy. I have a dinner planed for the 1st of November all the children will be their I plan on telling them then but how do I start, what do I say? They Love me big or small, but I know the first question out of their mouths will be what are the risks? Why didn't you tell us sooner? And are you going to die? Please help me I'm running out of time and don't know how to address these questiions to the people that are the most importaint part in my life, the reason of my life........... — elizabethgc (posted on October 22, 2008)
October 22, 2008
Hi,
The first thing sis to be honest and let them know Yes there are risk
however there are more risk if you do not do anything. I am 18 months out
and have lost 150 pounds and it was the best thing i could have done. Let
them know that this is something you need to do for YOU. There support will
be a great help but if its not there don't let that stand in your way. I
have one daughter who is not supportive of mine but I still did what I
needed to do for me and feel better then I ever have. If there is a support
group in your area have them go to a meeting with you. It is a big help.
Best of luck.
— Alvernlaw
October 22, 2008
I have spoken to my 3 children about it. I told them with my health
problems that this surgery will give me more of a chance to be their mother
in the way I have always wanted to be. I told them there is a chance
something could go wrong but they are small. My children have known since
they have been on this earth that I am miserable inside this body. They
have chosen to put the risk in the back of their minds and cheer me on to
becoming a happy and healthy person.I decided to tell them when I decided
to have the surgery and they are learning about it with me and supporting
me with every step I take. I know I am 41 but I cannot wait to get it off
so I can run around behind my grandchildren when they are born, I want to
be able to ride a bike again and go roller skating again. I have shown them
the positive side of my feelings and keeping the negative thoughts behind
for their sakes and mine. They know how unhappy and unhealthy I am inside
this body and their support makes me stronger every day.
— kandymc
October 22, 2008
Hi Elizabeth, I agree with the last post. Explain to your children how
this is going to enhance your life. I am six years out and feel it has been
a big sucess. I lost all the weight I set out to lose and then some. I
have no more knee or back pain and my blood pressure has returned to
normal. Just be honest with them and ask for their support. Just think of
all the things you will be able to do with the grandchildren after all this
is over. If you have any questions please send me a message, I will be glad
to help in any way I can.
— mbenoit268
October 22, 2008
hi,
I knew I'd have a problem telling my youngest son. My boys are now 17, 21
& 22. This was a couple of years ago when I first tried to get the
surgery. I was denied back then and finally got the surgery about 7 weeks
ago. Anyway, coincidentally, a woman I'd gotten friendly with at a class I
was taking at a community college had just had the gastric bypass surgery
done. She was nice enough to come over and visit and my (then 15 year old)
got to meet her and see that she was happy and recovered with no problems.
Just a thought, but if you know someone who had WLS it might take away the
"fear" that your children might have.
— Dee L.
October 22, 2008
Sit down before your dinner....think about what this surgery and subsequent
wt loss and improvement in your health really means to you. Think deeper
then just the obvious....being thinner and healthier....dig down to the
deep feelings. Share those feelings with them....those deep feeling that
are really driving you to make this drastic change in your life. Be honest
and open w/ them. Have literature on hand to help answer their questions
re: risks, procedure etc. Offer them to talk w/ your surgeon if they still
have questions you can't answer. Share w/ them your personal goals for
success, what you see for yourself for the future and enc them to be
involved every step of the way. I had wished I had told my family before
my surgery....even though I had the wonderful support of my spouse...it
would have been nice to have my mom there. When I finally told my
family.....after my inpt dc.....my mom was so excited and supportive. She
shared w/ me that the night before my surgery...she had a dream about me
being thin. When she saw me next time....I looked just like she dreamed
me....it was weird...but it is that "mom" thing. Good luck w/
your surgery and your discussion w/ family. I am sure it will go very well
and everyone will be very supportive.
— jamiedaugherty
October 22, 2008
Elizabeth. Congratulations it sounds as tho you have a wonderful family!
God Bless you.
When I was going to have surgery, I really didnt tell anyone, until I'd
gone thru everything and had it scheduled. I met with each of my children
(26, 21, 17 & 13) individually. They all were very supportive, but they
all shared that their greatest fear was to lose me. I explained that I'd
searched my heart/soul and that I was at peace with my decision, and
understood their fears...but, simply at that point, wanted them to want for
me... the opportunity/ability to live life to the fullest.... Not an easy
thing to tell sons... and none were at the hospital on that day...with my
permission. God Bless my children! They have a healthy mother for the
decision I made then...today! God Bless you and God Bless your family... as
I am certain they have those same fears. Lax
— 502Laxi
October 22, 2008
I had RNY surgery Sept. 3rd and was very up front with my children on what
I was going to do, they were very worried because I am the only parent they
have left. I wrote down everything they asked me so I could ask the dr. My
surgery took about 2 1/2 hours and I was out of the hospital the next
evening and I am 51 years old. My son is my baby and he is 27 he lives in
Bakersfield and when he came to see me he had to hug the belly 1 more time
like it was a budda. If your family loves and supprts you all the rest of
the time they will love and support you through this good luck and god
bless
— humper
October 22, 2008
Just be yourself. Some of them may or maynot agree. Just tell them the
reasons and stick.
I wasnt going to tell my mom right away. I was going to befrore surgery.
But I was excited and wanted to tell her. I just want sure what she would
think. Suprisingly she had been wanting to broach the subject with me but
felt it wasnt her place. Turns out next to my hubby she my biggest
supporter.
Goodluck
— urbrat2
October 22, 2008
There's really no telling how people will react to such a surgery (everyone
has an opinion) ...But if you assure your children that this is something
that will enhance your life and health and that the risks are worth your
taking tand that you would hope they would support you in your decision to
do this surgery. My kids knew how miserable I was and how much pain I was
in...They totally supported me...Mine were 15 and 17 at the time...I had a
harder time convincing my husband than my kids that I'd be fine...and the
risks were worth it to me. He did not support me in anyway, initially! He
really had no choice because I kept pushing forward and refused to let
anyone change my mind...I was determined to become healthy and I wanted the
surgery where all my other efforts to lose weight failed. I think if they
see a glimmer of doubt in you, they will try to talk you out of it...Some
people just don't want you to risk life thru surgery...But if you explain
the risks if you DO NOT have surgery and stay MO...they might see the
benefits and you'll be happier too! Now is the time to really be assertive
and tell them in a loving, motherly but always firm way that this is what
mom IS going to do and you would love their support and will do your best
to follow all the rules to stay healthy. When I decided to tell my family I
was having the surgery, I first told them my weight (which I NEVER
"honestly" told anyone at any given time!) I watched their faces
and eyes get big...and I knew I had them! Then I told them all my
comorbidities and my life expectancy and possible troubles if my problems
got much worse. I explained how I dieted all of my life starting in the
second grade...and how everything failed...Then I told them how I wanted to
be able to play with their babies one day and not have my babies come see
me in a wheelchair or a bed. Sell them on what sold you! My husband
wouldn't bite...But my kids did. Even hubby through all his grouchy
comments and questions about "what if you die on the table?",
kinda shocking questions...I think he just needed to know that
"I" was certain and that "I" was not going into this
lightly...and that "I" thought long and hard about it. You never
saw such a happy, proud "owner" of thin, much healthier (but not
perfect) wife!
Tell them what it's like being trapped in a body that is not who you are
inside...Tell them all the things you want to do with them...Tell them that
you want to LIVE! I wish you all the luck and blessings with this and your
surgery! (Don't forget to get out a few days before surgery and go vote
too! LOL)
— .Anita R.
October 22, 2008
Hi,
You have made a important decision reguarding your prolonged life. We that
make this decision to have WLS do it for OUR health NOT for a new set of
clothes.
I have four grown children and 6 plus grand kids. My health decisions were
do to wanting to be able to BE WITH my grandkids,not just set and watch
them. I can now fit into the amusment park rides with the grandkids!
Just make them aware of why you are doing this and yes there are risks with
every procedure you have done. But you are a well informed adult..and
educate them and they will be there for you. Good luck in your new life
style..mine started 7/1/08. It is great!
— tootsie52
October 22, 2008
well, honesty is the bigest thing. nothing you can do to change the
situation. they will ask why did you wait.... i too have a very tight
family, some think we are wierd. we to talk all the time, and envolved with
each other. be prepared. my oldest son said NO! please don't do it. we love
you the way you are. not worth the risk. my youngest son was all for it and
wanted me to do what was best for me. my daughter just stood with me all
the way. not ever saying anything one way or the other.
my oldest son finally came though after alot of research. he is still kinda
quiet about the sergery.
i will tell you i am post op since 09-08-2008 and have lost 45 lbs. i feel
great and have no regrets.
you will be fine. take information with you if they need to read.
just wanted to share what happen to me. i love everyone of my kids as you
do yours. so neat to hear that others really are as close as we are. live
love laughter!!!! best of luck!!!!!
— peggy R.
October 22, 2008
I am 6 months post-op and just like you I wasnt going to tell my kids
..ages 23 and 26...I didnt want them to worry ...and also in my life
...moms dont get sick...But found out 2 weeks before my date that my
boyfriend wasnt going to be able to get as much time off to help me at
home...so I needed someone ...I called my son and asked if he was able to
take that weekend off that i would be comming home from the hospital....not
telling him that i would be having surgery...then i told him why ...He told
me that even if he wasnt able to get that time off he would be by my
side...Of course i cried and told him how much that meant to me and how
much i loved him....I then told him about the surgery and why I was having
the surgery...and also had a few web sites if he wanted to expolre it....we
then discussed telling his sister...and he told me that if i didnt say
anything to her...she would be mad at me....lol...so i told her and she
agreed with her brother...she would have been very upsett...she also asked
if i needed her to take the time off...I told he that it was
covered....So...the answer to your question...be prepared to be showered
with love and probably a lot of questions and support....my best advice is
to be prepared ...give them web sites and even if you hace any litruture on
it....Good luck and see you on the loosing side.....Elisa in Ohio
— british88
October 22, 2008
How about, "I love you all and there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for
any of you. But I want to tell you about something I need to do for ME so
I can live a long and healthy life." For some of us we start to reach
the tipping point where the risk of not undertaking a drastic intervention
outweigh the risks of surgery, for example. This is YOUR journey and
something you are doing for you. I wish you well as you "break it to
them gently" LOL. Mike in Canada
— mountainmike
October 22, 2008
I am having RNY on 10/27 (5 days from now) My children are 11 and 15. I
have been straight with them about the surgery from the start. You will be
surprised at how much your children already know about your health
problems. Mine have seen me diet...up and down...for thier whole lives.
They have seen me struggle with pain in my lower extremities and have seen
me checking my blood sugar and taking a handfull of pills every day. Yours
have seen this stuff too! Just explain to them that this surgery is the
best tool to help you be stronger and healthy. You will be surprized at
how supportive they will be...Congrats on your surgery! Now you will have
more energy to play with those precious grandbabies!
— Pittysmama
October 23, 2008
Good Morning I am having surgery Nov. 4th. I have told my children about
the surgery from the start. We are very open with each other. actually more
open that my own family growing up. I think you should tell them what you
are doing straight forward and for what reason, Health, medical ect.... and
then tell them that if they have questions to write them down and you will
gladly talk to them about it again. Schedule some time before with your
physican if need be. You didn't tell them because you didn't want them to
worry I am sure. But it is better for them to know and worry than to not
know . My mother actually tells me not to worrry and it drives me crazy. I
am worried about her but keeping secrets is not good either. God Bless and
take care.
They are your children they love you and will support you.
Becky
— ronrebcoker
October 23, 2008
Hi Elizabeth,
Just by the number of answers you received, you should see that your
concern has also been one for A LOT of other people!!! I totally loved all
the answers you received, and I was where you are now, only 2 weeks
ago....I remember thinking that I could die there, and let my husband with
3 young children (8, 12 and 15)...but I also wanted to be here and healthy
for them for a long time, so I had to give them and myself a chance!
I just told them about all those feelings, but I also told them my
decision was made up, and as much as I loved them, even if they didn't
agree,I was at peace with it and with any consequences...so I would not
change my mind!
Tell them that their concerns are legitimate, and that other families have
been where they are now, and show them all the answers you have received,
and I'm sure they'll be moved to see that they're not the first ones to
worry for they mommy, and they will understand!!!! Stop worrying, and begin
to enjoy your future life...Good luck!
— ghis31
October 23, 2008
It sounds like you have loving nd supportive kids and husband. All you can
do is just come right out and tell them. They will understand especially
after you tell them what you are risking by NOT doing it. Good luck to you
and God bless!
— Sillyguts
October 23, 2008
Your children have seen your struggle, be honest and open with them. My 4
children have been my best support and they are all excited for the old mom
that would do all kinds of interesting things. They have all made plans to
do some of those great things again. They will be worried give them all the
information you can to teach them about the process. Good luck with your
children and your surgery.
— ntssmith
October 23, 2008
First of all darlin, you need to realize that your kids have probably been
worried about you as well. My kids were. Everyone around me that I told
(mine is the 3rd of November) were happy, but actually worried about me NOT
doing anything about it.
Your older ones, especially will probably know that Mom has a problem, and
needs help to get healthy again.
Make sure that you have the questions that you worry about covered. Have
info on the surgery so that they can be as informed as you. And as for why
you didn't tell them sooner, just tell them that YOU had to be ready first.
It is one thing to decide, but another to start talking about it. Makes
it a little more scary.
Make sure that you all pray as a family, and hope that they will be there
at the hospital waiting for you to get out.
I understand how your children are the center of your life. They are mine.
Mine are just happy that Mom is going to be able to do the stuff that she
used to do, instead of huffing and puffing, and just sitting the fun out.
Pray, have faith, and I think that your children will suprise you!
God bless, and you will be on my prayer list, too.
Cassi
— cassi75474
October 24, 2008
I just told my youngest son, age 22 and father of 2 small children, about
my pending Lap Band surgery last night. Here is what I said.
I am going to tell you something and you may or may not agree with a
decision I am about to share with you but as my son I know that you will be
mature enough to support my decision regardless of your opinion. I am
going to have Lap Band surgery in an attempt to lose weight and prolong my
currently compromised life. I know you love me and want the best for me
and I hope you will support me in this. I also want you to know that I
love you and your children dearly. I want your children to know me as a
living breathing grandmother. I do not want them to only know me from a
photo of some fat lady who died before they were old enough to remember
her. There are risks involved but I have done my research and this is the
best thing for me at this time with the least risks involved and the most
lasting results. It is only a tool that I will be able to use to become
healthy and to live longer.
I expected my son, who has a somewhat opinionated personality, unlike his
much older and more laid back brother, to be very negative about my
decision. But to the contrary he was so supportive and so open to the
idea. He told me he was glad that I wanted to live longer and to be
healthy.
My oldest son who is 33 told me he was proud of me for making what must be
a very difficult decision and said he would be there for me no matter
what.
I was honest with them but I let them know that it was my decision and if
they didn't agree that was fine but that I would be taking control over my
life and that their support would be a bonus. It worked out just great.
Now all I have to worry about is making sure I am ready for my surgery and
use the tool to my advantage.
Hope this helps you.
— realmessy
October 24, 2008
I have 3 grown children, and frankly I told them I was considering WLS -
and why I was considering it - right after I attended the informational
seminar. I've kept them informed along the way as to which surgery I've
decided on (lap RNY) and the risks as well as the benefits. I was required
to view an interactive on-line program re: the lap RNY, so I had them watch
it too & jot down any questions they have. Once I have the answers - I
have a list of about 100 questions of my own, and my kids' questions are
the same as mine - we'll sit down & discuss it. And I'll continue to
keep them informed as to what's going on & when I get scheduled, etc.
I plan to write letters to each of my kids & my husband before I go
into the hospital - JUST IN CASE I don't come out of surgery - maybe that's
morbid but that's my plan at this point. But just be yourself, be honest
& up front with them, let them know what the risks are and that the
risks are small compared to the benefits you can realize by having the
surgery - including a longer life and enhanced physical ability to spend
time doing things you enjoy with them. Best of luck to you...I hope all
goes well for you...
— sem51
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