Question:
Marriage Problems

My wife of 10 years had surgery 3 years ago. When we married, we were both in pretty good shape and deeply in love. After two children and the death of my father-in-law, my wife gain weight and was very unhappy. I too had gained 40 lbs from the day we were married. My wife was on this site, night and day, and learned all the in's and out's of surgery. She had the surgery and lost 150lbs and looked great. She began to watch all the Extreme Makeover Show's and wanted plastic surgery more than ever. We had many heated discussion on the cost of such a surgery (Insurance would not cover). We would have to morgage the house leaving nothing for the kids college tuition. She did not care. After a year of non-stop negotiations, I gave in. Now, she tells me that she does not care for me the way she used to. And she doesn't know why. She is thinking of leaving. Is there something we missed in all our research? We had a great marriage and made many plans for the future. This whole thing has come out of the blue. Has anyone else gone through this? We are heading to counseling, but I am afraid she has already made up her mind. Help!    — Jab R. (posted on October 26, 2005)

October 26, 2005
I am so sorry you are having problems. I don't have a magic wand to make things change. There are many changes that take place through this journey in every aspect, physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. Self worth is another big issue in the lives of wls patients. There may be many layers that need to be peeled away. Counseling is good. I hope you and your wife and find out what the main issues are. Paula
   — shoutjoy

October 26, 2005
Hi Jab! I am so sorry, Some may not agree with me as well as yourself, But Did you by chance leave out GOD? He can put back together the worst situations ... Hope that everything works out for you two. I will say a prayer... You can write me here if you [email protected]
   — Flo

October 26, 2005
Imagine if there is a single aspect of your wife's daily life that was not negatively impacted by her obesity-- it is difficult to be 150 pounds overweight and not have it adversely effect the way you feel about yourself, the comfort you feel in new and strange situations, the ease with which you meet others and the energy you have in daily life. In short, being morbidly obese is traumatic for the body and the psyche. So, just because the weight is lost, doesn't mean that all the after effects of the trauma dissipates as well. And, regardless of what the trauma is (the death of a parent, the loss of a child, or the loss of something else that provided a measure of self-identity), many spouses feel so changed by the event that they no longer consider themselves the same person they were when they were married. That being said, realize that no amount of plastic surgery will change her back to the person she was-- counselling might help in rekindling your marriage, but she is a changed person on some levels. Perhaps the new her and you will find that there is still a tremendous bond that exists between you (particularly given the love youmust share for your kids). But, given the tenuous nature of the domestic discord, and the financial strain that a separation would inflict upon all, I would suggest putting plastic surgery on hold indefinitely.
   — SteveColarossi

October 26, 2005
Jab, Boy what a common story. I am sorry that you are going through this. Your wife has gone through a transformation and now she feels free. She is willing to change everything to get the happiness that she desires including giving up you and the life she has had. I guess that the best way for me to explain it is that she has lost the weight, had the PS and something is still "missing". This wasn't a miracle pill that just made life "easy". Therefore she is still looking. It is easy for us to blame everything on our weight, but when it is gone and the problems are still there and we can no longer comfort them with food...... Some start doing crazy things to compensate including scrapping everything to make themselves "happy". Most likely she did not do this on pupose. This is part of the journey. You are doing the best thing you possibly can by going to counseling. I would suggest that you have individual and couple counseling with the same counselor so that you have an opportunity to express your fears and concerns with the counselor and so does she prior to allowing your counselor to try to help you find your marriage again. Keep an open and loving heart and allow your wife to open up to her true problems. I would be willing to bet (from experience) that she has had these issues for a long time, but just felt that it was her weight causing the issues. On a personal note, my husband and I almost got divorced this time last year because he had been having an affair for 2 1/2 years (one year before my RNY until 1 1/2 years after my RNY). We went through extensive counseling and I had to realize that everyone comes with problems and past relationships. I had to decide whether I could forgive him and start a new relationship with my husband or whether I couldn't forgive him and had to move on to other relationships. We have a stronger marriage now than we have had in over 5 years. I can tell you that the right counselor can make you look at your situation from a new perspective and then you will be able to move on to the future. Whether that is with your wife or without her is left to be seen, but either way He/She will help you to cope and get through it. Best of Luck as you approach another aspect in your wife's journey. Hugs to your today and a prayer that you will find the strength and openmindedness to benefit from counseling. -----------
   — wealthgvr

October 26, 2005
Sorry to hear of your troubles. One question are YOU heavy enough to qualify for WLS? My surgeon has said the divorce rate for MO couples where only one gets surgery is astronomical.
   — bob-haller

October 26, 2005
Jab, I hope the counseling works and the thing that will make it work is honesty coming from the both of you. There is a book by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. entitled Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. Maybe this book will help you all bring some things forward. Peace
   — the7thdean

October 26, 2005
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I have not had surgurey, but I am seriousy thinking about it. I hope that in all the weight your wife has lost that she has not forgotten who has been there with her through her journey. I also hope that with some counseling, you and she can work things out. My best to the both of you. Also, I have heard that prayer works. Melissa
   — kizie23

October 27, 2005
Jab, I don't have an answer for you, but I want to commend you. Counseling is a must. Whatever the outcome, a good counselor will be able to help the two of you face the truth of what's going on and work through it, together or separately. I sincerely hope you can work it out and remain together. As another poster said, for better or worse, your wife is a different person now. That doesn't give her an "out" or an excuse, but it may help you and your children in understanding what's happening. The fact that you are here, seeking advice from those of us who know what you and your wife are going through, speaks well of you as a man and a loving husband. I hope for the best outcome for all of you, and I will include you in my prayers.
   — Jeanie

October 27, 2005
Jeb: What can I say ??? The first rule of a relationship is respect. The first time your wife say's she wants out tell he that she is free to go and you will always love her. You can't keep someone from doing what they want. You need to get on with your life. She will only return if she loves you. Jack S.
   — Jack S.

October 27, 2005
I just want 2 tell Jeanie that was such a great response. You have heart girl... I agree with her, it takes a real man 2 want 2 fix a marriage not just ignore it. Remember most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. Good luck!
   — KimY

October 27, 2005
Jab, Counseling is good advice, but praying for your relationship is even better. Do your best and if she walks, remember you tried your best. That is all that is expected of us. When God closes a door, He opens a window. Be Blessed! Kimmy
   — Diva4Him

October 27, 2005
Jab, my marriage went thru the same thing after WLS. I don't think any of us were prepared emotionally for what happens after the life changes that take place. <br><br>I was 2 years post op when I left, I moved half way across the country, filed for divorce, and was done. There were times that my husband was a ...umm...less than nice, but the majority of the time he gave me the space I needed to figure out what I needed to figure out. After 6 months of the two of us being seperated, I realized that it wasn't him (or the marriage) that I was trying to leave....it was myself I was trying to leave. The self that had been so distructive over the many years of 'fatness'. Only when I was on my own, without him-without a marriage, did I truly realize what it was I was trying to get away from. See...it was still there even when my marriage wasn't. <br><br>He and I had many long talks and decided to have a go at it again, and thankfully everthing worked out for the best. We will be married 13 years in March. Had he not given me the space, we would not be married today. I had to be alone with myself to truly understand my own self. Personally, I also needed to know I was an independent person and not just a wife/mom...but that was my own personal issue. <br>I will not give you advice, I can not say that I know just how the two of you feel, I can only offer my experiences. There is a period of time where everyone who has this surgery must adjust to the the new person they have become-a time where they have to let go of the old person they were. You do too, you are married to someone different now. It's an adjustment for the entire family. I wish you two the best, this is a very trying situation. ~~Rebecca
   — RebeccaP

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