Question:
ALIENATED!!!
Ever since I told my friends and family that I am considering WLS, for some reason almost noone will answer my calls, texts, or emails anymore (except for my mom and 1 or 2 of my close friends). Has anyone else had this problem or am I just crazy? — merehern (posted on June 9, 2009)
June 8, 2009
Meredith, maybe you ARE crazy -- just not about this. Many of us here have
had similar experiences when we told our friends and family, and, like you,
not all of them were positive. The unfortunate truth is that there are
people in our lives with a vested interest in keeping us fat -- and
depressed, and needy, and willing to put up with almost anything and
everything, including what most people would call emotional and
psychological abuse. We're just easier for them to "manage" that
way -- i.e., we do what they say, when they say, how often they say. A
by-product of this surgery for many of us is a newly-discovered backbone,
and that can lead to some pretty interesting confrontations post-op. The
other side of that is that some of these people may be scared for you --
scared of surgery in general, scared that you might die or have
complications, or whatever. What counts most is that YOU have peace with
your decision and your journey -- what everyone else does or doesn't think
about it or does or doesn't feel about it ultimately does not matter. You
need to make this choice -- whether you actually ever have surgery or not
-- for you and only for you. Ignore those who are ignoring you; they'll
either come around or they won't, and either way you'll know where you
stand. Good luck!
— Cheryl Denomy
June 9, 2009
Meredith,
I have been on my journey for six months now. I will be having my RNY on
June 29th. I told only a few people at the start, and when I got negative
comments I kept it to myself. I felt that I didn't want to hear any
negative comments about my decision. It's just their opinion, and if it
makes you feel better then that's all what matter's.
I'm at the point now I don't care who know's nor what they have to say. I'm
doing this to be healthy, and I agree with the above post. They like us fat
and depressed. Do what you feel is right for you it's your body and your
life. They aren't living it you are.
I have heard everything from "Why you want to have a RNY your just
going to gain it back anyway". to "you might dieon the
table".
If I don't get the RNY I will die faster or be on pills for thje rest of my
life. As far as gaining my weight back from what I have read on here your
weight problem don't end just because you had the operation. You have to
work at it and use the tool the right way,and you will get good results.
I wish you the best of luck on your journey. Don't let anyone or anything
stand in your way. It's worth it and most all you are worth it. take care
Theresa L
— treeeza
June 9, 2009
Don't let this discourage you - you will find that you will make other
friends and most of all be healthy and happy. Just as the other responses
noted - people that are uncomfortable with your decisions have their own
agenda and unfortunately it is either to make themselves comfortable with
who THEY are or to be able to keep you where you are for various reasons.
GO FOR IT and BEST WISHES!!!!
— AuntPamcakes4six
June 9, 2009
I am experiencing the same. I am very selective with who I share my
information with because I found out quickly that most people seem to have
a problem with it and like someone else said I don't want to hear any
negative comments. I was told that I may look like a crack head because of
losing too much weight. The few people that I have told seem to know
someone that has died from having the surgery, according to them. I'm going
to do what's best for me and my health and I suggest you do the same. Get
your support from those you already know are willing to support you. Good
luck on your decisons?
— Meeky
June 9, 2009
No, not crazy...People have their many reasons as described in great detail
by the others! It's something that the surgeons and nutritionists don't
tell you! It's hard at first but after a while you learn that some that you
thought were friends were not and for me, it was a great lesson in self
respect...eventually! I didn't realize how toxic some of my friends and
even family were to me...You will soon distinguish the ones worth saving
and the ones you have to make peace with because they are family! LOL You
just enjoy your journey with or without them and focus on YOU for a
change...When you are ready, you can either let them go and make new
friends that treat you right...or find out how to fix whats wrong...But it
is normal to have mix reactions...You are the only one who needs to be
certain of your decision...so focus on YOU and the surgery you are going to
have!
— .Anita R.
June 9, 2009
The bottom line is, I've found that nobody knows what you are going through
as an overweight person unless they are overweight themselves.
My family, luckily, was completely supportive of me. I had my Lap-Band
surgery on May 28th and have now started on solid foods as directed by my
surgeon's office.
However!... I've actually noticed that it seems like some family members,
unfortunately this includes my own mother, they seem to be trying to
sabotage me already. We've had a birthday party for my grandfather in this
past week and everyone hounded me to eat a giant piece of cake and some ice
cream because I was "finally on solids again".
Honestly, this went on for about 15 minutes... them haggling with me over
cake and ice cream when I kept telling them I didn't need it. I couldn't
believe that instead of being happy for me that I wasn't indulging, they
basically wanted to spoon feed it to me themselves. I was very disappointed
in them.
Hang in there. You will find yourself a great support system in a few great
people who will help you along the way. Best of luck!
— HollyHolly13
June 9, 2009
Merideth...the positives in this journey, far out weigh the negatives. When
you are healthier you will look back and see that you did what was best for
YOU.I have had some rough days but I love the fact that I had this surgery.
I love the way I look and feel. It's so funny because folks that whispered
things about me having the surgery, actually needed to be on the operating
table right next to me. Perhaps you will meet more supportive people as
you go on this journey. Trust me... you won't really care in the long run.
If they turn their backs on you now, you probably didn't need them as much
as you thought you did. If you don't do what's best for you ,then who will?
I'm so thankful for this sugery.The work doesn't stop just because you have
the surgery...you will need to eat right and exercise. Trust me when I tell
you...It's So worth it.I thank god I'm not tipping the scale at three
hundred pounds, out of breathe and having acid reflux like crazy. Instead,
I'm healthy and happy. I enjoy looking in the mirror and shopping. I even
enjoy exercise, because I know its prolonging my new life. Know that it
gets better.Surround yourself with POSITIVE people and thoughts. Life is so
much better when you do!! Good luck
— purnellj
June 9, 2009
Good morning, I am so sorry that you're feeling alienated. It happened to
me and it was very hurtful. I actually had someone at church tell me that
they didn't want to watch babies with me anymore because she was the
biggest one in the room now. I told her that I was glad that I could fill
that role for her. Your friends may very well be jealous or afraid. They
may be afraid of losing the role you play in the friendship. I had friends
that all we did was "eat"-diet coke and m & m's or all you
can eat buffets. I think that even though it hurt me I am getting used to
it and since I now have other interests, I have found other friends. I
would encourage you to talk to them and see what they're most worried
about. You do what is best for you. I wish I hadn't lost some of my
friends, but I wouldn't trade it for the new me. Look for your support and
encouragement from people who are willing and able to give it, God, a
support group, OH, your therapist, etc. Good luck.
— gouldsfiya
June 10, 2009
You know, I told my supervisor, whom need this surgery herself but swares
she isn't that big, and she keep making jokes and stuff. I was like you
know, if you were to sign up for this surgery you wouldn't have to take all
those millions of pills you are taking. Then she goes to the doctor and he
tells her she doesn't need it because she still will be taking pills. I
think she is lying...lol For the most part my closest family and friends
are ok with it because 1. my mom had it, 2. my sister had it, and 3. they
know I have been dieting like crazy and it hasn't worked. I think many
people wants it (fat or obese) but are afraid of 1. what others will say
about them not "doing it the right way," and 2. dying on the
table. I myself have always been comfortable with my weight even as it goes
up and down, but now that I am done having children...it's on! So in other
words keep your chin up and don't worry about what others think or say or
not say to you about it. Just wait until you have this surgery and then let
it speak for itself!
— Papoose79
June 10, 2009
This journey (as exciting and scary as it is to you) may not be exciting
for others. The biggest thing I know to be true is that education is the
key to support. Personally, I told everyone and anyone about the surgery -
post, pre and as I lie in the hospital bed. I only had a hand full of
nay-sayers. Educating them about the process, the lifestyle changes you
will be making and discuss with them the plan you have for using your new
tool to the best of your ablity - sets a lot of "what ifs" out of
people's head and allows them to switch out the bad feelings for supportive
ones. Or you can always get/make new friends. In my opinion - Friends that
are not supportive of you starting this journey - are they truly your
frriends? All of my friends were supportive. I have true friends. I like
that. Good luck. Chin up. Have a great journey and I hope things turn
around for you and are surrounded by people to care, support and love you.
— jammerz
June 10, 2009
Meredith,
You didn't tell your age or your weight...maybe it's posted somewhere and
I'm not computer savy enough to find it. While I agree that WLS is a great
tool in loosing weight, I do not think it is for everyone. Talk to your
friends about WHY they seem to be distancing themselves from you. Listen
to them. Maybe they ARE being petty, jealous, or just scared. Or maybe
they have some valid points. They know you better than any of us do. Best
wishes to you on your journey.
— jtoothman
June 10, 2009
I am 27. I am 5'6" and I weigh 280 lbs.
— merehern
June 11, 2009
It is very sad that this is one of the byproducts of making this
decision...insecurity is a scary thing. I have unfortunately gone thru this
as well. I had surgery Dec. 3, 2008. Down 110lbs. 80 more to go. When I
told my BFF, her and her mom exchanged looks and from that time on our
relationship was on a downward spiral. By Halloween she had cut me off and
I learned that my family is my strength. My husband, mom, dad, brothers,
and sister, my wonderful boys too. They all love and support me no matter
what. Thank God! My husband said to tell you that no matter what be open
and honest with the ones who are there for you and that they bear a huge
responisiblity. They will feel your sucesses and failures. This journey has
been long and hard, rough, fun, emotional, tiresome, amazing, incredible,
and everything inbetween. You make your decision and be proud. Tell who you
want and feel honored that we have a way to gain back out lives. You will
do well to remember that you are strong and brave and that no one can take
from you what is yours. And if you choose this, then...it is yours! Good
luck and hugs too.
Angela in Albany, Oregon
— jamabowers
June 11, 2009
Meredith, after they see how much better you feel, both physically and
about yourself, they'll come around. My family was at first not
supportive, for different reasons. My daughter was afraid of my undergoing
surgery. My husband, I think, was probably grieving the loss of an
"eating partner." You may have to work with that. I can still
go out to eat and still enjoy MOST of what we cook at home for the family.
Kirstie Alley (sp?), when she pitched for Jenny Craig, said she learned a
new word: PORTION. That will be the key for you, after you get through the
healing portion and the different food stages post-op. Having WLS surgery
doesn't mean we don't STILL need good old-fashioned willpower. If the cake
doesn't disagree with you (cause an adverse reaction or get stuck), have a
piece, but make it "Meredith"-sized: just a sliver. You'll soon
learn to pick and choose your indulgences. Is boxed cake and Crisco-icing
worth it? For me, no.
It's hard because your friends and family may not know how to react. Maybe
you could come right out and ask for their support, and reassure them that
you're not going anywhere, you're just upgrading the packaging to the
"long-life" model.
— mum
June 11, 2009
I would be interested in discussing this with you further will you send me
a message?
I have my own thoughts on the whole subject.
d
— katrina15
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