Question:
WHY IS MY FRIEND TREATING ME THIS WAY?
EVERY SINCE I HAV GOTTEN SMALLER THEN ONE OF MY FRIENDS SHE DO NOT COME AROUND ME MUCH SHE TREATS ME COLD AND JUST WALK PAST ME AT LARGE FUNCTIONS. NOBODY SAID I WILL LOSE FRIENDS WHEN I LOST WEIGHT IT HURTS BECAUSE WE WERE REALLY CLOSE AND SHE REFUSE TO HAVE SURGERY BUT DO NOT TRY TO LOSE THE WEIGHT. WHAT AM I TO DO? — Taquittee (posted on November 26, 2000)
November 26, 2000
Congratulations on your weight lose, I'm so happy for you. Your question
hit me because when I was younger I lost weight for the first time in my
life I was a *normal* weight. It didn't last long but for several years I
stayed down before I married and had children and gained it all back. I
too had friends who dropped me when I was thin, even my sister was jealous,
even though she was thin and had always been thin. It bothered me so much,
but what I finally realized was that, we have friends in our lifes for
different reasons, so do they. So when we dont fit the role we have always
played in these relationships, it makes them feel different towards us.
With my fat girlfriends I was ALWAYS the fattest! All of sudden I wasn't
so it made them the biggest and they didn't like that, so they became mean
to me or ignored me. It also made them feel inferior because I lost weight
and they didn't or couldn't. With my sister, she had always been then
pretty one and I was the one with personality. She didn't like the
attention she was used to getting going to me. We resolved these issues,
but I'm sure when I gained my weight back it made her feel more
comfortable.
Dont feel bad about your friends.. it is their problem with their self
image that is wrong not you. The people who love you will come around, the
ones who don't aren't really worth keeping as friends. My Mom told me once
when I said about the same thing you said, to her.. "We can only
control what is going on in our heads and hearts, when you let other people
bring you down, you are giving them power to hurt you and your the only one
who can give them that power, don't give them that power."
Debi <hoping to be on the other side in 2001!>
— Debi V.
November 26, 2000
Jealousy, as other people have said. But, in your question you said
"SHE REFUSE TO HAVE SURGERY BUT DO NOT TRY TO LOSE THE WEIGHT."
I'm very private about the surgery. I only talk about it with people who
ask. You have lost so much weight and look so gorgeous now, I wonder if in
your excitement, you have pushed your friend when she was not ready to
hear. WLS is not for everyone. The risks are real and bad things can
happen to real people.
— Cecilia M.
November 26, 2000
I hate to sound negative but maybe you pushed her away too. In your post
you said she's not even trying to lose weight. Why push that on her and
not accept the fact that she is heavy and may not want to go through
surgery. I notice that about myself as well as others that have had
surgery and are becoming thin. We become just as judgemental about over
weight people. Alot of people deny this about themselves.
— michelle M.
November 26, 2000
First of all, congrats on the new you! I was so impressed by your
pictures! Your friend's reaction is not an uncommon one. She's jealous
and probably a bit angry and frustrated with herself. After all, before I
had this surgery or even knew it was a possibility, my constantly
increasing weight was more of a burden every year and it was incredibly
frustrating. You've taken the leap to have WLS. She may or may not have
the courage, money, insurance, time, support or medical qualifications to
do the same. If someone had talked to me about WLS just one year before my
surgery (which was in May 2000), I would have told them where to take a
flying leap. I would not have even been open to it. It's something we
have to decide for ourselves, and seeing you become a thinner healthier you
is just a slap in the face to her. Don't get me wrong - you have nothing
to apologize for. You have taken your health and your life under control,
and you will live a lot longer and happier because of it. But watching
your success will be a little difficult for her. I get a lot of
unsolicited compliments from people at church, as well as my close friends.
They see the changes that have taken place, not just in getting thinner
but also how I feel. I've had a few people say that I'm
"glowing" inside and out. But I have noticed that these
compliments come from thin people and not obese people. In fact, the
obese people I know don't make any derogatory comments, but they don't
chime in talking ablout my success either. For me, it's ok. Because I've
been where they are, I understand the hurt that comes from obesity. I don't
shove my success in their face. I don't talk about my surgery unless asked
about it. Talking to other obese people about WLS in their terms in their
own time is the best thing I can do for their own self esteem as well as
for the cause of being healthier. I do I suggest that you arrange a
private meeting. Tell her you miss her as your friend. Ask her why she's
been so distant. Give her the opportunity to share. If she doesn't take
you up on it, well, then at least you can say you tried. Good luck!!!
— Paula G.
November 27, 2000
I am worried about this also..I have a great friend..she has been my friend
for about 15 years and she is overweight and has always been insecure about
herself....she is about a size 20 or 22 and I was always a 26-28 so she was
used to me being bigger and when we were in high school she was a size
12.....now I am down to an 18 and I wonder if she will be able to handle it
as I get even smaller....I had another friend who I was friends with for
over 15 years and we are no longer friends because she was so jealous of me
finding a husband, she was always the perfect little size 7 blond and in a
way I am glad we are friends no longer because she definetly would not have
been able to handle this...you just have to do what is best for you and
forget about what those types of people think.....your true friends will be
there for you without jealousy or spite if they are your real friends...if
not you are better off without them..congratulations on your weight loss!!!
— christine L.
November 27, 2000
by the way I just looked at your profile again and forgot to tell you on my
post that I live in North Riverside, IL, we are practically neighbors!!! I
had my surgery at Good Samaritan Hospital in Downers Grove, e-mail me
sometime [email protected]
— christine L.
November 27, 2000
First of all...Congratulations...You look good, girl - LOL. I have to
agree with some of the other posts that it is jealousy, but not because she
doesn't like you as much as she is not happy with herself. You are
obviously happy with the way you look and feel and I'm sure you did not
feel that way before the surgery. If your friend refuses to have surgery
it could be because she's not informed about it. She could be refusing
because she thinks you are "throwing your success in her face"
who knows. I agree with Paula in that you should meet with her and tell
her how you feel. Let her know that her weight is not an issue with you
and she should not make your weight an issue. If she still does not accept
you for the person you are becoming, then maybe you're better off being
around people who truly care about you.
— Vanessa J.
November 27, 2000
I have been on both sides of this issue and can tell you that neither one
is easy. My best friend had surgery about 3 years ago. Before this, we
looked like the Bobbsy twins, both large. After her surgery, we looked
nothing alike and I was the fat one. It hurt me, scared me for the
friendship, and I was green with envy. I also thought this surgery was
wayyyy too drastic for anyone. Well, she had the ring surgery and looked
great after a year. For some reason, (jealousy maybe?) I changed my mind
and went and had the BPD/DS done. As I was losing though, she was gaining
all her weight back because of a disruption. Now the shoe was on the other
foot and I had to remind myself of that. She is going in for a revision
soon but through it all, we remained close close friends because
ultimately, our friendship was larger than our bodies. I wish you luck and
please know that possibly, your friend is just not ready to do this or to
lose weight. There may be a pshycological reason for her weight that no
one knows about, not even her.
— Barbara H.
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