Question:
Relationship help?
When I gained my weight after our children he told me I was an embarassment..we've we have and our share of problems but it seems to me that he's not happy now that I want to get healthy...all he keeps saying is I will leave him once I lose my weight. I told him it shouldn't matter if I was thin or fat that "HE" should have loved unconditionally. I have no intentions on leaving but in the back of my mind I feel he doesn't deserve to be with me once I am thin cuz he should have cared for me if I was fat or thin...ugh..its frustrating and friends have told me they see our relationship not being on good terms once I start to lose..any suggestions? thanks...can even email me :) — WIBlueyes (posted on April 25, 2001)
April 25, 2001
I am having the same problem. However my husband has NEVER said anything
about my weight.I am truly lucky. He is however very insecure. He is so
worried that I am going to leave him once I reach goal. That is his problem
not mine. He has gained some weight over the years so it is a self esteem
problem on his behalf. I think that your weight is your husband's way to
control you.If you are thin and healthy what kind of fire power is he going
to have. My husband and I have been going to marriage counseling to help
deal with conflicts. It has done WONDERS!!! We have actually fallen in love
again. I mean like the early realationship love. hee hee. He now knows that
he has NOTHING to worry about. I am not going to say that he is still not
insecure. I would suggest marriage counseling. I feel like there are some
other issues there that you need to get worked out before you have surgery.
Someone posted that 40 percent of marriages failed after sugery. I am sure
that many of these marriages had problems before surgery. Good Luck I wish
you and your family well. Dana
— Dana N.
April 25, 2001
Sounds like he first put you down to hold on to you, now he says you'll
leave if you lose the weight. I think hubby needs counselling. He's
insecure. Maybe tell him you'd like to keep the marriage, but only if he
goes with you to appointments, so he can see "good" stories of
success, and if he goes to marriage counselling. Otherwise, he'll be
accusing you of all sorts of things after surgery. Once you feel good and
your moods reflect it, he'll think it's someone else. I feel for you!
— Amy K.
April 25, 2001
I had the exact same problem with my boyfriend. We had been dating for
almost 3 years, and he still never introduced me to his friends because he
was embarrased. He always went places and did things without me and it
really bothered me. I finally got fed up when once again, he didn't show up
and didn't call when he was supposed to come down for Easter. We haven't
spoken for a week, and now he wants to get together to talk. He says he
realizes he was wrong and that I shouldn't have to change for anyone. But,
I feel it's a little too late. He was always saying that I was going to
leave him when I got skinny. And I kept thinking, Why should I stay now
when you don't like me, when I know that when I get skinny, you'll love me.
You should love me now. I only hope that I have the strength to be strong
when I see him. Because even with all that has gone on, I still love him
and would love to just take him back and try again. But, I know I am the
one hurting in the end. Your husband does not realize the damage he is
doing now. That is something that will affect you later when you are
skinny. And you deserve to be loved for who you are now. Just as I am.
Because the person won't change. Just the outside. See if your husband will
go to counseling with you. You need to resolve some of this before to be
able to have him supportive of you all the way through. It does sound like
your husband has a low self esteem himself and by being the way he is to
you, he thinks he is building himself up, but he is bringing you down. This
is a major decision on it's own without having that to deal with too. Good
luck.
— Kimberly M.
April 25, 2001
I also have been dealing with an insecure spouse. As the surgical date
approaches it seems to be calming down. However, my DH came right out and
stated," I am afraid you will lose the weight a leave me, " My
responce was, " How can you assume I will look better after
surgery!" There are many postings stating looking better is not
actually true. ( maybe with clothes on but clothes off there are realities
to deal with. ) I let my husband know I am counting on our 15+ years of
marriage and our commitment to one another to look beyond the reduntant
skin and still see ME! The Me he fell in love with over 20 years ago will
still be there, just healthy and active! I pray we can both gain insight
into ourselves and our marriage through my surgical experience and weight
loss. Seek out assistance in dealing with the issues. You will not be
sorry. I think the more emotional issues you deal with now the easier post
op will be for both of you.
— Katherine R.
April 25, 2001
I was an embarrassment to my ex during our 18 years of marriage....I am now
remarried to a wonderful man who loves me for who I am....didn't matter
that I wore a size 24 wedding dress!! People like my ex tend to want to
control...I know that if I had lost this weight during my marriage to him,
he would have tried to find something else in which to keep me insecure,
therefore, bound to him....I am glad I was finally strong enough to say
"enough" Please seek out some counseling to deal with your
relationship problems....maybe joint counseling would help!! Good Luck,
Karan
— chance2lv
April 25, 2001
Although I am not married, it seems to me that your husband has some
legitimate fears. Perhaps you and he should attend some counseling
sessions. Some men feel inaduquate when their spouses are overweight. They
sometimes feel that the weight is somehow your way of deliberately
embarassing them or pushing them away but, when the spouse wants to lose
weight and become more attractive they feel that it is only because you
want to get out of the relationship and are looking to spruce yourself up
in preparation for finding a new partner. These are important and
sometimes devastating feelings. If you truly love your spouse and don't
want these things to continue then do something about it. It isn't just he
who needs to love unconditionally.
— Melissa S.
April 25, 2001
My spouse cheated on me in june 2000, since then I had wls and in the back
of my mind all I wanted to do is get even with her, now I am 2 mos post op
down 60 lbs, feel good about myself (still heve a long way to go) and now
she is nervous about me leaving her, Well maybe I used my marital problems
as an excuse to have surgery but now that I am on my way to a healthy life
my first priority is to make thigs right with my wife and my thoughts of
getting even or leaving her are gone!!!!!!!
— [Anonymous]
April 25, 2001
IMO this has nothing to do with the way one looks fat or thin, it all is
about control and insecurities on your husbands part. YOU are
not resposible for his feelings of insecurity nor are you responsible
for getting him out of it. You can re-asure him that the big
picture isn't about leaving him it's about feeling better both
physically and mentally, and that benifits the whole family
not just you- You need to do what you need to do. I told my
husband fat or thin I leave if that is what I needed to do, for
reasons of abuse or things of that nature.I know from experience
that it is not easy- but don't own his "stuff", for your own
sake. Take care...
— [Anonymous]
April 25, 2001
WoW. I have had the same problem but not with my hubby. Some so called
friends and family members act that way with me. As far as love goes. I
can't stand that feeling either. My advice to you is really think hard
about your decision and make sure you can live with it too. Once you do
something usually you can't make it up or make it better. Good Luck
— [Anonymous]
May 10, 2001
I have to echo the sentiments about the control and self-esteem issues.
What you are experiencing is very common to MO women. And it happened to
me, as well. Any attempt at dieting was immediately sabotaged while I was
being fed subtle reminders of how embarrassing I was. However, I divorced
my ex-husband 9 months before I had the surgery, so I had already left him.
And what did he do? He went out and found the first chubby chick he could
and moved her in with him. "She's a lot like you", he would tell
me. "You'd probably like her". Of course she's a lot like who I
USED to be - emotionally dependent on him and willing to have 'doormat'
stamped on her forehead for the sake of having a man - any man. Well, fast
forward to 94 lbs. lighter, and guess who is sniffing up my skirt? My,
my... seems a leopard can't change his spots after all. So, my point is
this: These men create emotional yo-yos to ensure they have all the
comforts of home while they eat their cake. After all, he wouldn't be like
this if I weren't fat, would he? Your losing weight takes away the comfort
of you giving and giving and giving to compensate for your obesity. He
just knows you aren't going to put up with it when you lose weight, feel
healthier and regain your self-esteem. You'll blossom and he'll feel
threatened. The best thing you can do right now is get yourself in
counseling. If he is really afraid you'll leave him, he'll go, and he'll
work hard to support you and strenghten your marriage. Good luck to you.
— Allie B.
May 10, 2001
For me, food is an addiction and my relationships with everybody
including my husband reflected that. When I had surgery,
I knew my relationships were going to change, and they did.
I lost a few friends, gained a few better ones, and was forced
to look closely at my marriage. I looked, but decided I would
take the advice of AA and not make any major life changing
decisions for a year. My marriage has been wildly up and
down, the lowest being my husband asking for a divorce because
he met someone else on line. Counseling, good friends, and
much prayer later, we are more committed to each other than we ever
were before. The compulsive behaviors on both of our parts
are diminished, and we are more able to see them when they
rear their ugly heads. Spouse behavior is rarely due to
simple explanations. It is usually much more complex. I
would lean towards giving him the benefit of the doubt and
try to work together. If he won't, that is a whole other ball
game. Good Luck!
— M B.
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