Question:
I dont fit in even with my own kind

Has anyone felt left out when it comes to support meetings. I have gone to a few but felt prety left out. I skipped the last meeting mostly because I forgot it, but I would have not skipped it had I felt the support meeting would not have been more attracting instead of where I was. I just want to fit in. The first time I went to a meeting I was reved up and energized afterwards I left my 2nd meeting feling like I didn't fit....maybe its all me but has anyone had this same problem? and how did you deal    — D P. (posted on July 22, 2003)

July 21, 2003
I left my surgeons support group in tears about 1.5 yrs ago...I felt left out and outcasted...mostly because I had a leak and no one wanted to hear about problems..they even had a PR person from their staff drive 2 hrs to our meetings to down play what I had to say about it...very frustrating. I finally went back this week...it was a whole different group (by the way no one ever tried to contact me or help me through it either...one of the main reasons I stear people away from his practice/horrible post support), but it still really didn't do anything for me considering my issues are long term post things...and most of the group was early post or pre-op. So basically, yeah, I know how you feel, and yes I still feel very much like an outsider looking in most aspects of society(outcast). -Kim open RNY 7/17/01 -145
   — KimBo36

July 21, 2003
I went to my first support meeting last month. I am a lightweight and I barely qualified for the surgery. All the people there either were or still are very obese. No one was like me. When I walked in, everyone was assuming that I was atleast a year post op. When I revealed that I had lost 18 pounds and was 5 weeks post op, I got some very dirty looks. I felt very uncomfortable and the need to justify why I had the surgery. My surgeon even piped in and made a comment. I will probably go again next month and see if things get better. Normally, I dont have a problem getting along with people. I guess, when weight is discussed everyone gets a little touchy.
   — S A.

July 21, 2003
I know exactly what you mean! My first meeting I sat by myself. Even though we went around and introduced ourselves and said where we were in the process, i.e., waiting for insurance approval, postop etc., I had three people come up to me afterwards and ask when I had the surgery (I was preop). There were about 100 people there though so I can see how they did not remember. I had a BMI of 43 and was considered a lightweight. When I told people I was waiting for insurance approval and had not had surgery yet, I got a look like "what are you doing here?" I was 5' 4" and 250 pounds! I had such bad joint pain I could barely walk at the end of the day! Anyway, I continued to go to the meetings for me. The next meeting they had the nutritionist speak and the next one the psychiatrist spoke about the mental aspects of surgery. Both were very informative. So, I am going to continue to go for me and not worry about what everyone else thinks. It is sad that there is even discrimination among the obese! Hang in there!
   — DebT

July 21, 2003
Start your own! Or better yet, try some of the online support groups. You'll need to be a part of some sort of group (even if it's not in person) just to make sure you stay informed. Good luck and God bless!
   — Kimberly L.

July 21, 2003
I had to try a few before I found the one that fit me. Just because we are Mo or post op does not mean that we are alll the same by any means. Some of the ones that I went to just simply turned me off. When going somewhere for support, comfort is one of the most important things. Do you know other post ops that might be interested in starting a small group? Maybe a more intimate setting is good for you. I like smaller groups even though my favorite group is huge. I think I am comfortable there because I have given myself time to get to know and care about the people there. I am still annoyed by something everytime but it is always more good than bad.
   — Carol S.

July 21, 2003
This is a great question. I find that the hospital support group is my LEAST favorite even though I go. The nurses and doctors that lead it are very defensive when it comes to the negative things people may be experiencing and almost make people feel its their fault they feel bad, or whatever. Now people are almost afraid to say anything and no one says anything unless it's a plastic positive response. Yes, WLS is wonderful, but we all need to feel free to share the good, bad and the ugly. I find that the support groups that do not involve hospital staff are much better for actual support. We can share what's on our hearts, good or bad and we get love and support, not defensive comments. Just as the other posters said, find one that you are comfortable with, or start your own. I go to three different ones and my favorite one is held at a church community center, and there are about 15 of us there. Another has about 80, and both are great. God bless you.
   — Happy I.

July 22, 2003
I attend two support groups. One of them is huge, auditorium style, and I never quite feel like I fit into that one -its too large and there are several little sub-groups of friends that stick to themselves, and the large group is composed of both pre and post ops. However, when it breaks up into smaller groups, based on how far out post-op you are, I enjoy it much more, as the group can then focus on issues I can relate to.My other support group is much smaller, and really just getting started, so there are not enough participants to break down by how far out you are, but what I love about it is that the surgeon attends. How many of you go to support groups run by the surgeon as opposed to the nutritionist or office staff? What you will notice though is that over time, group dynamics change as new people come in and others move on. I like the previous reply where she said she just went for herself.
   — Cindy R.

July 22, 2003
Wow! This question really has me thinking and looking at this issue as a WLS patient, a hospital employee in bariatrics and a support group leader. I hope that no one ever feels they can't express post op frustrations at our group. I have had to intervene a couple of times when people wanted to bash doctors or hospitals (not just our facility or docs but others too). That's one of the frustrations that support leaders have to deal with. No surgeon or facilty bashing! But I think our members know they can talk about the negative aspects of WLS - I hope they do! Our Saturday group is very large. We usually have a medical proffesional come and speak and our members get some great information. But then we also have a Monday night group that's smaller and more intimate. I have experienced a few times when patients suggested that maybe I don't know what it's like to be obese (duh - just because I'm at goal doesn't mean I've forgotten the misery of it). But I think that's because they didn't know me when I was obese. Anyway, sorry about all the rambling - your question has made me think! I plan to mention this at our next few meetings both Saturdays and Mondays. I want to make sure no one feels left out. It will be a good reality check for other support group members. I want to be very sure that people know they can talk about complications and regrets. We're big boys and girls - we can take it. We have started a new support group that will meet once a month and is for patients who are 6 months out and longer. It will be smaller and more focused on the long term issues of WLS. Thanks for asking this question and showing me that we need to be careful that everyone who comes to a group meeting knows they are "one of the family". I hope you find a group that embraces you and one you can embrace in return. A good group and a good patient don't always equal a good fit. Don't give up on finding a group that's the perfect fit for you. You deserve it. I'm sending good thoughts your way!
   — ronascott

July 22, 2003
I think support groups are like any other "group", you have to look around a little to find the right one for you. I have gone to different groups (not wls support) where there was nothing wrong with the group itself, I just didn't feel "at home". I'm sorry you left the group feeling bad, I don't think any wls group would intentionally alienate a new member, but sometimes especially when a group has been together a long time, it can feel "clique-y" and hard to become part of. In that case, it's time to look for another group. If there is not another group, maybe you could start one of your own. Keep your chin up, you will find the right group for you! Good luck!
   — beeda

July 22, 2003
Our support group is local and isn't associated with either surgeons or hospitals. I find that this is the most comfortable way to get together. If we want to bash a surgeon or vent our frustrations with our medical system, we can without reprisals. Our group has one thing in common-morbid obesity, currently or formerly. We discuss our issues, post ops answer questions and give good insight to the preops. The postops discuss their own issues and the preops listen. And we do talk about everyday life and get to know each other outside of wls. We meet in a member's house or a community room. We have had speakers-dietician, surgeon, cook, eating disorders clinic, etc. Our group is small and many long term postops have moved on but there are still a half dozen or so who get together and share our experiences, past and present. Online groups have also been a God-send to me. Since most of us here in Canada have to travel long distances for surgery, we connect with pre and post ops in other cities, meet for coffee when we have surgeon appointments and tests on the same day. While in Toronto to see a wls surgeon, I met several ladies I had been chatting with online for a few months, this was so helpful and certainly cut the boundries and brought us all together in the name of wls. I just can't imagine anybody going through wls without good support groups-in person or online.
   — mary ann T.

July 22, 2003
I also feel LEFT OUT all the time. I am not going to go to anymore support group meetings because of it. Why go to a meeting and you feel uncomfortable? I am going to have to look forward to online support or none at all. At least I have met a nice friend on this website and hopefully her and I will continue to chat and get along and maybe we can help each other. 14 days until surgery!
   — Eleanore Davis

July 22, 2003
I would like to answer this as someone who as been accussed as a person who has "excluded people" even though I created a website and a book to help support our surgeon's patients. When I was pre-op, I didn't know a single soul when I walked into the auditorium for my first support group meeting. I sat by myself, and just listened to what was going on. It was obvious that there were groups of friends that had gone through their journeys together, and they sat together and chatted quietly through the evening. I was okay through the evening until I offered an answer to a question that I thought I knew the answer to; I was quickly rebuked and felt terrible. I cried the whole was home and silently vowed to never return. During the month before the next Support Group meeting, I met a fellow patient on-line through this website. We met face to face at the next Support Group meeting, and I felt a little better knowing at least one face there. We made friends with a few other people who had similar surgery dates, and formed our own little support system; these are friendships that I will cherish forever. I have learned a lot from these strong, beautiful women- even the ones who had surgery AFTER me! So now, a year later, there are new people coming into the Support Group meetings, wondering why we are such close friends, and making accusations of "cliques", etc.; when we are just focused on getting through this with each other. We never turn people away when they ask for help, but it seems that sometimes people are unwilling to some of the work for themselves. In the age of computers, there isn't ANYTHING that you cannot find out about online regarding weighloss surgery, including watching an entire procedure. I guess to make a long story short, we need to do this for ourselves as well as attending the meetings. The meeting place has been set up for us, but we need to take the initiative to meet people, etc. And whatever we contribute to the group is what we get out of it. I often see people just coming in who only want to "take", but rarely "give" support. This is heartbreaking because everyone has something to give, whether they know it or not. In fact, when I ask for contributions to our community website, I rarely get support for that, although we have put so much out there, and I know that people are taking from it. I know I will get blasted for this one, and I realize that I am venting a little, but it is in response to some of the other answers, too. I just know that it is a tough situtation to get through- we have all been there!!! But it one that CAN turn out very well. Good luck to you- and please don't give up on the group. It really does work out in the end.
   — kultgirl

July 22, 2003
I know what you mean. Check out this website also, it's free and many of us there have had the surgery, you can get instant support and answers. www.ahealinghouse.com
   — gary viscio

July 22, 2003
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I've been to two support group meetings (I'm pre-op...)each meeting was put on through the surgeon's office. The first one I went to, I was a shunned person! Everyone was going around befoer the meeting and talking to one another and introducing themselves to one another, etc. I smiled at everyone and received those quick, half-hearted smiles in return. Whenever someone DID talk to me, it was to point out that I was young and that I was a lightweight. I didn't understand the need for this, as I didn't point out to them that they were old and heavyweights! But oh well. I just learned that I didn't want to go back to the meetings put on by that surgeon anymore. I received insurance approval for a different surgeon, anyway. I went to one of the meetings that HIS office put on and it was wonderful. Everyone was friendly, accepting, and supportive! I think the other posters hit the nail on the head-it wasn't anything you did and it's not because you're a bad person that you didn't feel at home at the meetings you attended. There is a group for you out there and I have confidence you'll find it. Good luck and if you need support or someone to talk to, feel free to email me at [email protected]
   — jenn_jenn

July 22, 2003
I'm sorry that your support group is less than supporting. I am fortunate in that my surgeon works closely with a registered dietician and has a well-established support group. Our monthly support meetings are fantastic! There is always a great turnout. We have guest speakers, awards, celebrations, planned group events at the hospital, and also planned events withing our community. I was nervous at my first meeting as I was not sure of what to expect, but every body was so welcoming that all my nerves were rested at once. I feel blessed to have such a group available to me. I hope you are able to find another support group in your area where you feel at ease and that the term "support group" is what the gathering truly is. Good luck. Hugs!
   — Rachel T.

July 22, 2003
Yes - I know what you mean. The majority of meeting is spent on insurance questions and the like. Our group has started a "Post Op" club just for us. It has made a real difference - and yes, we are different now.
   — Susan K.

July 23, 2003
I wanted to attend a local support group that has mostly members that have had their surgery by one particular surgeon here. However, when I called to ask if patients of other doctors were welcome, I was first told "yes". Then the woman asked me where I had my surgery. When I told her that I had it in Mexico, her response was "Ewwwwwwwww, WHY on earth would you go there...ewwwwww that's so scary, weren't you scared?" and just kept repeating her shock and horror. When I stated that my doctor has a less than 1% complication rate (and I knew her doctor's complication rate is 20%), that kind of shut her up. But, I did not feel welcome at all. There was no way I was going to subject myself to that kind of humiliation in a group. It was bad enough on the phone. It makes me sad because I would really like to have some friends locally that I could meet with, share with, and support but it looks like that's not going to happen. Good luck to you!
   — [Deactivated Member]

July 23, 2003
I only attended one meeting pre-op and was treated rudely by people who thought I was too lightweight for the surgery. Some even thought I was post-op. I was also one of the youngest at 34 years old so there really wasn't any reason to go back. (I'm a very easy going and friendly person so their reactions really put me off.) Luckily, my surgeon and his staff answered all my questions and supported me whenever I felt I was making a mistake in having this surgery. I also have a great network of friends who have been supportive since day one. In fact they keep me on track with my eating and exercise. They even join me when I work out. I was lucky enough to have a co-worker who had surgery the same day I did and turn to her often. This website has also been a big help to me. If I were to go searching for a support group I'd probably choose one online.
   — Oneida H.

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