Question:
What Can I Do About My Overweight Child's Reaction to my Weight Loss?
I had an RNY in January, and thought I was doing pretty well. But the last few days I've been agonizing over this. My son is 11 and is significantly overweight. I feel so guilty especially as he is afraid of being picked on at the swimming pool this summer--this will sound crazy but I feel like I've "abandoned" him to the fat world now that I am almost thin--and I feel like I should get fat again so he isn't lonely. I don't want him to think I had this surgery because I hate fat people, and I also don't want him to have to have it...right now all he knows is that I had surgery (not what kind) but I will answer him truthfully if he ever asks what I had...but how can I help my poor baby not to end up as a fat adult? It breaks my heart to think he might have to go through all that I have. He's an emotional eater (like I was) and has been through the wringer since his dad and I divorced a few years ago. I try to monitor what he eats, but don't want to exacerbate it by making him even more aware of his weight...How have others handled this? Any advice appreciated. — gamboge (posted on June 19, 2003)
June 19, 2003
actually I've went the opposite with my son (age 9 and 120 pounds). I
explained the surgery and why I was having it, showed him the staples and
taught him about what I had to eat and why. I've not drilled it in his
head, but explained genetics (the basics) and how this seems to be
effecting him and that I HOPE he never has to go thru this...but that if he
doesn't start making better choices NOW when he's not with mom then it
could become a serious problem later. He is not on a diet, but we do limit
the crud in the house, hae explained the benefits of protein, the
semi-evils of carbs lol, and the total evils of sugar. He is THANKFULLY
making better choices and asks me for confirmation on his food choices.
He's doing great and I'm thrilled!
— [Deactivated Member]
June 19, 2003
Start with some counseling regarding the divorce- and it cold affect his
well being, and eliminate the emotional eating. Has he told you he was
lonely? I don't think don't have to abandon him in the "fat"
world, bring him into yours by subsituting bad foods for exercise, better
nutritional foods etc.... Getting big again will not solve his problems; I
think you know this already. I also feel a discussion with the Ex
regarding a game plan would be in order, as you both (no matter that you
are divorced) love this child, and want whats best for him- him knowing
that Mom & Dad communicate well, and act like adults around him could
relieve his stress. He needs to know that Mom & Dad divorced, and that
he wasn't divorced in the process; if Mom & Dad both focus positive
energy towards him, spend quality time on his nutrition, adventures etc- he
may feel safer! JMHO
— Karen R.
June 19, 2003
I think there is some great advice here - but I wanted to commend you for
your concern and assure you that you aren't alone! My oldest is nine, and
he's a heavier kid. He doesn't know exactly what the surgery was - but he
helps me check labels for sugar and protein. I have been very careful about
talking about getting HEALTHY - not thin. While the weight loss has been
apparent, I am trying to encourage him to make healthier choices. We've
talked about healthier life decisions for both of us, and I told him in the
beginning that he would see some changes in me, but I needed his support to
stay healthy long term. He walks with me, we pick out healthy snacks
together (and I still throw in some junk for him for a special treat on
occasion). We talk about eating because we WANT to or are bored or if we
are really hungry. When he wants food (and I know he's just eaten or has
been grazing), I ask if he'll wait 20 minutes (and usually do something
with or for me) - then I ask if he still needs something or if maybe we'll
wait a while before having a snack/dinner. He only gained four pounds
during this past school year and I'm very proud of him! However you decide
is best to approach - it's not easy, but good luck to you!
— Mendi M.
June 19, 2003
My daughter is 11 and starting to put on weight too. I definitely think
you should give him some info about your surgery. My concern is that he'll
see that his obese mom is now getting thin and think "What's wrong
with me, why is mom loosing weight but I'm still big?"
I've told my daughter about diet/exercise, and I plan to take her with me
for swim aerobics and get her more physically active. The food is
certainly important, but exercise is the most important thing to stress to
your son.
— bethybb
June 19, 2003
Do you watch the Dr. Phil show? His advice is very good and he often talks
with parents of overweight kids. To paraphrase some comments I've heard:
Somebody is buying the food that this child eats. Clean out the environment
and stock good food choices. Saying yes to a child's demands for things
that are not good for them is abusive. Sit down with your son and write a
mission statement. Then abandon behaviors that do not lead to the goals you
and he have established. You are probably eating protein, fruit, and
vegetables. If he eats a similar diet, he will lose weight (a modified
Atkins diet plan). And get his doctor involved with periodic weigh ins so
you both stay accountable to the mission statement. Good luck. cj
— Cynthia J.
June 19, 2003
Aren't we all so wonderfully unique? It makes the world go around I guess
because I have four kids who all knew everything about the surgery pre and
post-op and their ages then were 9, 11, 14, and 19 and they even saw on a
documentary about the surgery on tv before I had it. I think you should
tell your son as he may be feeling that something is wrong with him if you
can lose the weight and he cannot. My son who is now 11 and
"stocky" is more aware of calories, protein, and exercise since
my surgery. I can relate to the feeling of wanting to comfort him and be
with him in his weight issue as well as my son is struggling with his
weight somewhat as well. People have commented that they thought I was him
when out in the yard or something and he weighs close to what I weigh now.
He is very concerned for his weight, but due to not hitting puberty yet we
are "hopeful" that his height and weight will become more
commensurate (our primary care doc's choice of words which I thought was
great!). I would always try to rule out any medical or hormonal issue in
your son as well. Tough issues dealing with other people with weight
problems across the board...neighbors, family, and even strangers. Do you
tell? Do you not? I have always opted to tell everyone as I am so happy on
this my two year anniversary of weight loss. Good Luck with whatever you
choose to tell your son, but do check with your doc too.
— Molly S.
June 19, 2003
I think that you need to assemble a "team" to help your son. You
need the help of his medical doctor, a nutrition/exercise specialist and a
qualified therapist. If his father is still in the picture, he should be
on the team as well. Together you can work out what is best for your son
and do it in a way that is not threatening and that lifts his self-esteem,
rather than lowers it. What a great mom you are to be thinking of his
future now and how smart of you to realize that you can’t solve
this problem alone.
— Amber L.
June 19, 2003
my oldest daughter is the same age as your son. i think the best thing you
could do is to tell him exactly what you posted. i am sure he is a smart
child and i think that you will help him so much by being honest with him.
i think he won't feel so alone if he knows you have felt the same as he is
feeling now about his body. you have a chance to be more than just a mom
right now...you can be his biggest role model. just by telling him your
feelings about how you felt being overweight, how it affected you and what
caused you to overeat can be so helpful to him. not talking about it is not
helping anyone. just by letting him know he is not the only one who has
ever felt the way he is now. trust me...he knows he is bigger than the
other kids. so that isn't a secert to him. you might just start off talking
only about you and then let him open up to you latter on his own, but don't
try and just have one conversation...he needs some time to let it sink in.
by talking to him now about this you just might save him for a life of
pain. good luck to you
— franbvan
June 19, 2003
(Original poster here) I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for the
thoughtful, compassionate and supportive answers to my concerns. Throughout
this journey I have been constantly touched and amazed by the little
community on this site. And how wonderful to find that the kindness does
not end after the surgery! I've turned to this site again and again for
answers and always seem to find them. My son and I are both fortunate.
Thanks again!
— gamboge
June 19, 2003
I think this is a great time to tell your son what kind of surgery and why.
You now have the tool to loose your weight and you can help your son. Get
any junk out of the house. He does not need it and you can't eat it. Both
of you can learn how to eat healthy together. I have 2 children 8 &
11. The 8 yr. old has my body build and if let go could have a weight
problem and I am teaching them to eat healthy. Making better choices.
They go shopping with me and we read labels and see what is in what we
purchase. They are helping me as much as I am helping them for the rest of
their life. We cook together and plan meals together.
I am 3 years post op and have lost 130 lbs. They have seen me at my worst
and my best through it all. Children understand better than you think.
Now is the time to set the example and work on it this summer. We also
find way to do exercises together. (Walking, Playing tennis, Swimming and
we make it fun...Doing laps together. We are enjoying each other. It has
been a great experience for all of us. You do not want to see your son
down the line as an adult with as much weight as you had or me or more and
having problems. I know I have a grown son also who has a weight problem as
an adult but not as a child. He is in an emotional marriage which is not
helping and I feel he eats for comfort. He has been told by the Dr. too
loose the weight because of health problems. It's easier said than do I
know. His insurance will not cover the surgery. He has a daughter due in
Aug. and I do not feel he will live to see her grown if something drastic
does not happen and soon. I have been there. If I can help please do not
hesitate to email me. Think about your decesion long and hard. Do what is
right for you son ...
— Laurel H.
June 20, 2003
I got my nine year old daughter who is overweight to help me with all of
my walking and exercises. Basically i explained the surgery and asked her
if she would help me looking for protein in the grocery store and help to
remind to be active, asked if she would keep me company doing activities.
Get him active with the new you! The activityand his interest in you will
allow him to start on a better nutritional program and get active while not
feel like he's been placed on a diet. They never worked for us, they won't
work for our children. Now my nine year old does gets off the couch to go
and do things. Gets away from the video game and cartoons because she has
been able to associate fun with being active. Good luck.
— Kelly L.
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