Question:
How do I convince someone else to do the surgery - before she dies from this?
I have a family member who has been diagnosed since early 90's with morbid obesity and refuses to do anything substantial. I think she's depressed and needs help NOW! — Dave M. (posted on January 10, 2003)
January 10, 2003
You offer support and information if she wants it. You be her friend and
lead by example. Please do not force it down her throat, you may end up
turning her off. An obese person has to first recognize that they are obese
(took me years to admit that), and second, want to do something about it.
Unfortunatly, these are things that a person has to find for themselves.
The best you can do is hold her hand during the process.
— Vicki L.
January 10, 2003
Show the family member this site and go to the Photos, then the section
called "Before and After". It has hundreds and hundreds of
post-ops with their before and after pictures. Then if you click on the
word before or after, it will take you into their profile and you can read
their stories. It helped to convince me as many of the profiles I read
sounded like I could have written it, and seeing how healthy and happy they
looked less than a year after their surgeries convinced me.
— Cindy R.
January 10, 2003
I agree with the first poster... as far as not cramming down her
throat...she has to be ready, and to do it for herself and noone else...
— MF
January 10, 2003
Having gastric bypass surgery is a VERY PERSONAL decision. My husband and
I agonized over the decision for quite some time. There are all kinds of
emotional issues that go along with deciding to have the surgery. Both my
husband and I had to come to grips with the fact we needed help and could
not do it on our own. Just about everyone on this site will tell you how
difficult it was. Trying to talk someone into it may not work, you might
try attending a support group meeting with her, just to listen. This will
help in diminishing the bad rumors still out there regarding surgery. My
heart goes out to your family member. I hope she is able to find her way
regardless of which road she takes.
— Katherine A.
January 10, 2003
I, too, wish that my sister would do something about her weight. My whole
family has been big pretty much all of their lives. I decided to do
something. My sister has pretty much said that she would not even consider
this surgery, though I wish she would. She is over 300 pounds and I am
slowly creeping up on her. Luckily, my surgery is Monday, 01/13. I know
that she really needs to lose the weight more than I, but I cannot force
her to do anything, not even to go to the gym or walk around the block.
Your family member may just have to things things her/his way, just like my
sister, and I/we must respect their decision. Daphine Cox
— Daphine C.
January 10, 2003
I think this is a very painful dilemma for many posties. I was in a real
"WLS missionary" frame of mind for a long time, and wanted to
'give the good news' to every fat person I saw. Perhaps if you helped her
find out how to treat her depression, that might be a good first step. Have
you spoken to her about this? If you have an opportunity, I would gently
start with the subject of depression. If she turns away from you
completely, you can't force her to want to change. Good Luck to you.
— Cara F.
January 10, 2003
My husband of 35 yrs weighs 340. When I had my surgery consultation in aug.
02,I weighed 31 lbs less than him, 299. I was 272, when I had my surgery on
10/22/02. I am now 230, 110 less than him. He was all for my surgery and
brags to others about how much I have lost and constantly tells me how good
I look. But he has no desire to have the surgery himself. He has been in
this with me from the start and has all the info I had, he goes to my
support meetings with me, and still says he will never do it. Our kids and
friends ask him often If he will, but I would never push or nag him about
it because it is a very personal decission.
For your friend make sure she has the knowledge and let her know you are
there for her if she has any questions. Leave the door open, but please
don't try to push her through it.
— Tawnda C.
January 10, 2003
As others have said, this is an intensely personal decision. My wife, who
is MO herself, had tried to get me to get this surgery shortly after
Carnie's story in People. At that point, I wasn't ready to admit to myself
that this was what I needed.
<p>
It wasn't until a WLS postie was in the hospital where my wife works as a
patient (non-WLS related) and she and my wife talked. She loaned her copy
of Barbara Thompson's book to my wife to let me read. It was Barb's book
that got me going on the road that I am on now. I started researching the
surgery, buying other WLS books and decided at the tail end of 2001 to
start the process. It took me 7 months to get my initial consult and
another 3 months after that to have the surgery. But the wait was worth
it. I'm doing 139 pounds in 6 months.
<p>
My wife has decided to have a lap RNY done this year (if she is approved).
It is something that she decided to do on her own (I am sure that going to
support group meetings with me and seeing and hearing all of the success
stories helped). I am glad that she decided to do it, though.
<p>
If you have a copy of Barb's book, maybe you can loan it to her (or even go
and buy her a new copy for her). If she's willing to go, then take her to
a support group meeting and let her sit and hear the success stories. But
don't push her hard. What you want to do is to plant the seed. But her
mind's got to provide the soil for that seed to grow...JR
— John Rushton
January 10, 2003
I guess you could say I was in the position as your friend is in. My
ex-husband begged me years ago to have WLS and I told him flat out no. In
the meantime I tried all the other diets, did the normal down up and up
some more. One day my ex-husband left me for some one who was the
"ideal" women and I knew even then that a major part of his
leaving was due to my weight gain as we were married, but I denied it.
When I came to my current job a coworker and I talked about health
insurance and WLS and I was still in the NO WAY not for me mode.. I didn't
want any doctor sticking his hands into my insides...that was two years
ago.
This past summer three of my coworkers went to see a WL doctor and my mom
asked me why I didn't make it a 4th before they had their appointment. I
was still saying NO WAY! Well they came back from the appointment with so
much enthusiasm that I started checking into it myself. I am now waiting
for my mandatory appointments in March and was told by the 2ond doctor that
I went to (because she will do it Lap) that after that I should have
surgery in April.
Maybe with seeing your enthusiasm and results she will look into it more on
her own. Give her some time.
— Beth E.
January 10, 2003
I have one of these, my old girlfriend Sharon.. We dated off and on for so
many years. Her dad is my best friend. I feel bad for her, she doesnt fit
in amusement park rides anymore and has devloped health problems, although
none earth shattering. Her dad advocates surgery, although her mom is 100%
against it. I told her if she ever decides to do it I me and Jen will be
glad to help. Be a good example your success MAY change her mind. You have
to WANT WLS a lot.
— bob-haller
January 10, 2003
I think you have to address a lot of your issues on your own or through
other means before the surgery to maximize your success. Not to say that
others haven't just muddled through after surgery . . . I respect those who
can do that! But I knew about the surgery for about 4 years before I felt
ready to really look into it. I'm glad I did but I don't think I would have
been nearly as successful if I had done it when I first heard about it. I
addressed a lot of my eating issues before I ever went to my first
consultation. I had pretty much stopped the volume eating--before I would
think nothing about eating an entire one-pound bag of M&M's or a bag of
cookies. I had taught myself to stop eating when I was full and not push on
to misery. I think these things really helped after surgery. Also, I was
really ready to make the changes necessary to adjust to postop life. I quit
sodas, drastically reduced the amount of sugar I ate, and increased the
protein. (Some of the people in my support group could only talk about when
they could move on to eating an ultimate cheeseburger and one guy even ate
teaspoons of sugar until he dumped to see how much sugar he could have--at
about 3 weeks postop!) I committed to taking care of myself, including
taking the vitamins I need to stay healthy for the rest of my
life.<p>I think that a lot of people have trouble after surgery
because they are not prepared to give up food as their comforter and
friend. They are not prepared to give up their safety blanket of fat that
insulates them from the outside world. If your relative isn't ready to face
her issues then the surgery may be the worst thing for her. It almost
FORCES you to deal with the issues you have because you no longer have food
to turn to. <p>Don't push. Be there to answer questions if she wants
to ask. Direct her to this site. But it would be much worse if she made the
right decision at the wrong time.
— ctyst
January 10, 2003
Dave, this is just my opinion and how I feel, although we would like
everyone that is mo expecially someone we love to have the same benifits as
us, getting healthy. we cannot force this surgery on them, a person has to
want to change they have to want to lose the weight get healthy and have to
admit to being sick & mo. I would never force the issue however,
educate them about the surgery and let them decide whats best for
them...remember this is their life, their decision not yours..but i can
tell she has a great friend/family as u care so much to want to help!
— Deanna Wise
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