Question:
WHY DO FRIENDSHIPS DETERIORATE AFTER WE LOSE THE WEIGHT?
I had my surgery on 03/04/02 and today I lost 100 pounds altogether. However, the friends that I had when I was heavier no longer exist. I had lots of so called friends, I had friends who I dieted with and friends who I worked out at health clubs with also. I am hurting inside because I can no longer share my success stories with my old friends and I cannot share positive things that I encounter since losing the weight either. I tried to make friends with WLS people in my hometown and they seem to be extremely busy or have no room in their life for new friendships. I know that I am a down to earth person with a pleasant personality, so I don't feel that my lack of friends has anything to do with my personality. However, I did have depression problems because of the obesity that I suffered with for so many years. Since losing the weight I don't suffer from depression anymore. I do feel melancholy sometimes because my old friends dismissed me from their life after I lost the weight. Do anyone have any suggestions, advice or comments to offer me? I feel that I need to be able to communicate with other WLS people on the telephone or through email, but I can't seem to meet WLS people whom I can offer support to or vis versa! It seems that people only call me when they want something from me, people don't seem to want honesty or true friendship anymore. I am going to start going to support meetings when the weather get better and hopefully I can meet other WLS people and we can share eating tips and WLS stories, etc. Thanks for sharing and good luck to you all. S.M. — Shirley M. (posted on November 26, 2002)
November 26, 2002
Shirley, I am so sorry that your friends have done you this way. Now you
know who your TRUE friends are. My situation is totally different, my
friends have been WONDERFUL, it is my family (parents and siblings) and my
husbands siblings and their wives that have given me "hell". They
talk about me behind my back, tell me I am so gross looking, and some even
comment that I'm going to be dead within a few months. I am more than a
year post op now, have lost 135 lbs, and weigh in about 120, I feel GREAT
and thought I looked great also (Compared to what I did look like)
I have met some wonderful people on this site and I have made some
wonderful friends, so please don't get discouraged. If you ever want to
chat or e-mail me feel free, I love to talk:) I know I'm not close to you,
but I could be your long distance pen pal.
— Lynda T.
November 26, 2002
I haven't expirienced any of this either, friends (large and small) and
still here as well as family....
— Karen R.
November 26, 2002
I havn't had my surgery yet, it's scheduled for december 10, but I have
told a few of my "so called" friends about the surgery several
months back and I barely even hear from them anymore. They are overweight
aswell and when i do talk to them on occasion they mention the surgery and
how I'm gonna be a diffrent person and want nothing to do with them! Can
you believe that! I'm not having this surgery to become skinny and
popular, I'm doing it for my health. I think they must be very jealous.
It hurts my feelings to know that I have always been honest and down to
earth with these girls for them to only be just the opposite and not be
true to me. I'm not gonna worry about them and you shouldn't either. If
you need anyone to talk to, I'm always here~! Love, k
— Karen W.
November 26, 2002
I haven't had surgery yet, but I have a feeling when I do and start to lose
alot of weight fast I too will be losing some co-worker friends that I have
known for years.
My family is still against me having the surgery...so I am still trying to
educate them on the surgery. My husband will be attending Baylor's WLS
Seminar 12/12/02 with me so I hope this will help him see how much this
will help my health.
It sounds like we both will need some support. I would love to keep in
contact with you and be a new friend!
— babrewer
November 26, 2002
I am preop and as I go through the journey of the wls, I am finding that I
am reluctant to tell alot of people. I find there is a freedom in not being
under performance pressure from those that know of it. This has prevented
them from being threatened by a change in our relationship either.I plan on
losing a certain amount of weight and then, as normal inquires come
forward, I will chose whether to tell or not.I think this will keep my
friendships in tact alittle better.I won't be putting them on the defensive
by my having gone on the offensive by taking such a strong method of weight
loss.I say this because I have lost large amounts of weight in the past and
they did not handle it well. Jealousy. Pure and simple. Nothing lacking in
me or anything I did to cause a withdrawal of friendship.Stay strong in
your desire for weight loss and don't worry about these so called friends.
I would be more than happy to have an additional friend to talk about wls
with.Email me if you like. It is a good idea to check out those support
meetings.I go to one and it makes a big difference. Good luck. Leslie
Elwood
— Leslie E.
November 26, 2002
I believe that your journey has made you a much stronger individual. It is
difficult to remain friends with people who are not supportive. Maybe these
individuals couldn't handle the attention that you were getting. I think
you have a wonderful heart and NO ONE should deter you from being YOU! If
you think these friendships are worth saving, than talk to these so called
"friends" and find out why they are so distant. If they truly
value you as a person they will savor your friendship. If they don't...you
need to move on. There are plenty of wonderful people in this world who are
NOT SELF CENTERED! I have found some absolutely wonderful friendships
through my WLS research! Life is full of wonderul suprises! Please know
that there are people in this world that would love to have a person like
you on their team. I wish you all of the LOVE and LUCK in the world. My
world is never too small for new friendships...please email me!
— Jennifer O.
November 26, 2002
Like in any relationship, friends, children, lover, partner...when you
change the music...the dance has to change (if that makes sense). People
become used to us being a certain way, and may become intimidated,
threatened , whatever...its not our problem. Just like the stats are high
for divorce followng WLS, i must also assume the likelihood that you will
lose so called friends is high as well. when one person changes..no matter
how, those closest to them must change as well ...or leave. I am sorry you
are feeling this way. But there is lots of support around you. Drop me an
email..I would love an out of state penpal to share this journey with since
I am only 42 days out . Take care, Aloha Keniki
— Keniki B.
November 26, 2002
I am so sorry that things are not working out for you. It must be sad to
feel as if your friends are no longer there for you. Why not invite them
for coffee and flat out ask them what they think of your friendship. Maybe
they are just tired of talking/hearing about WLS, maybe they are jealous or
envious. Maybe they feel like they can't be themselves around you anymore
because they are thinking you have changed on the 'inside' as well as the
'outside'.Sit back and analyze what your actions are when you all are
together, analyze you last conversation. Did you act interested in them?
These are just suggestions-not accusations. I am not trying to be mean-just
up front. Good Friends are hard to find. I am sure they love you. Give them
the benefit of the doubt. Ask them what is up-make sure to do it in a
'non-blaming' way and with a open mind and heart. Good Luck.
— Jan S.
November 26, 2002
hi there shirley. im sorry for what you are going through.ive noticed
through the years in many different type situations, so called
"friends" have a hard time with others success. be it the
purchase of a nice house, the promotion at work, getting a new car. and
yes, even weight loss. its so weird the way it works. im in illinois to,
west of aurora. if you ever need a listening ear. im here. email anytime
[email protected]
— carrie M.
November 26, 2002
shirley....I wish so much that you lived closer to me. I too would
cherrish a friend right now. I have come to realize that the friends I had
before surgery were only using me for whatever they might have needed at
that moment. If you ever just want to chit chat send an e-mail and I would
love to talk. Donna Open RNY 7/5/2002 -75lbs
— DRutherford
November 27, 2002
I cherish my friends dearly, and if they stopped speaking or became jealous
or resentful because I looked better and felt better than they did then, oh
well...I would try to reconcile with them to find out why they felt that
way, but quite frankly, I wouldn't let them put a guilt trip on me and try
to impede my progress. That would let me know then that they wasn't a
friend to begin with...
— yourdivaness
November 27, 2002
I can feal your pain..but I didnt lose my friends, I lost my husband. After
I had lost over 100 pounds he leaves me for a younger woman who is heavier
then me now.
— Rhonda T.
November 27, 2002
I too experienced loss of frienships after my surgery. It is easy for
someone to say well you know who your true freinds are now and to say oh
well, they couldn't have been that good of friends. The truth is, it hurts
alot. I haven't lost all of my friends, but 2 people that i grew up with.
I have been obese all my life and when the weight started to come off, they
called less and less. I asked my other friends and even my family if I
changed(personality wise, attitude wise) and they all said i am just more
happy. I think of these 2 friends as a loss to them, and to me, these are
the people i wanted to share these good memories with. Apparently my being
happy made them unhappy, but I have other friends and i talk to them about
this and they help me not to dwell on it. By the way, one of these
"friends" tried her best to talk me out of this, before the
surgery, she was very negative from the start. All I can say is hang in
there. It does get better.
— stacey1273
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