Question:
Attn Single Posties!
Hi, all! I'm pre-op--awaiting a surgical consult. Like everyone else, my primary motivation for having this surgery is for my health. But I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't also wondering if perhaps I may finally find my "Alpha Male". Have any of you fellow singletons ever been rejected POST-OP by men because of 1) sagging breasts, thighs, upperarms, abdomen, bottom, 2) stretch marks, or 3) plastic surgery scars. How did you handle it? Did you date before you had plastic surgery? Did you wait until after you had your plastic surgery before dating, and for how long? How did you explain the scarring/sagging once the relationship progressed to the intimate phase? (NB: I have no intention of telling anyone I date that I had WLS...at least not until the relationship has progressed well into the serious stage.) My weight has impacted greatly on my past relationships, and I'm totally anxious thinking that I've finally found a wonderful tool to get my weight under control, I'm feeling great, my health's great, I'm exercising regularly because I'm no longer in pain...but I'm still rejected by men. I won't be fat anymore, but I'll still be physically unacceptable to the male of the species. Your words of wisdom? (and PLEASE--I beseech you---please don't say "you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you" or "beauty is only skin deep" or "it's the person inside that counts", or any of those other lovely platitudes that we tell ourselves in order to deny the truth. I live in NJ, ladies--the sibling of NY and the coastal complement to CA! Physical appearance is PARAMOUNT here! Yes, true, it IS the person on the inside that REALLY counts...but no one's gonna be able to SEE that inner person if they can't get past the outer person...) — Joyce C. (posted on September 8, 2002)
September 8, 2002
Well me and Jen found one another when we were both MO, and lots of guys
like MO woman. I have to admit sometimes the before photos look better to
me, although I know the ladies are much healthier thinner.... But are you
planning on keeping WLS a big secret? You can TRY, but your going to be the
topic of every gossip around. No one looses a 100 pounds or more, and keeps
it off. Do YOU personally know anyone who hads done it without WLS? People
will think you have cancer, AIDS, or other dreaded disease. I tell everyone
for this reason. WLS is nothing to be ashamed of, I am proud of doing it!
So unless you want folks expecfting you to die, you will have to tell your
friends, and perspetive dates will find out. Some guys might be attracted
by you fcoming out of your cocoon, you never know. I wish you only the
best, your special; someone is just around the corner.
— bob-haller
September 8, 2002
I know exactly what you're talking about. Let face it we all want to be
loved and most men do not love big women, not the ones I find attactive. So
far I have lost 120 pounds , I used to wear 30/32 now I wear 13/14 and hope
I can get into a 8 or 9. I do notice a lot of attention now and I mean a
lot, girl I look good and it shows. Now men look back at me, I haven't had
a man look back at me in 10 years and yes it do feel good. We can all say
that we did this for our health and that is true, but let get real, we ALL
want to be accepted and that why a lot of us had this opearation so we can
feel loved for a change. Apparently you must be young and looking for an
relationship, people who already have found their soul mates wouldn't
understand how the rest of us feel being so lonely. Most of the men who do
like big women I wouldn't let walk my dog, they're just not my type and
yes I feel that I should be able to pick and choose I deserve the best fat
or skinny. As for telling anyone if I had this surgery.... I certiantly
would not, I'm a very, very private person and it's no ones business what
I've done,when they comment on how I did it I say diet and exercise but
most of my friends are thin so they don't need any help. I'm not a weight
loss surgery crusader and I'm not going to shout it out loud that I had
this operation,, Hell I didn't shout it out loud when I had a breast
reduction, like I said this is my business.
So don't feel bad because you choose not to tell anyone, some people wants
everyone to know and some people don't, I try to respect everyone feeling.
I must admit that my weight has been a issue on how people treated me all
my life and It wasn't pleasant, but now I feel and is treated so much
different and you will too. Good luck and may God be with you.
— Rebe W.
September 8, 2002
Honey, Anytime you take advantage of something that will improve your life
you will have a whole new glow... it is amazing... I have found that I not
only want the best in my stomach and body... I want the best in my life as
well... and that is what I have... My Man is great!... I would suggest you
take care of yourself first... healing... changing... learning... Then when
you are ready... get out there and show the world the new you... Confidence
is beautiful and it is like a magnet... so don't worry about that.. it will
come... and you are right... wait until you there is a bond there before
you tell him everything... As a pre op I used to be hesitant in meeting new
people, men, because I'd always wonder if they would like me... Now, they
better worry if I like them hahhhhha... You are wonderful... don't let
ANYONE tell you different... Open RNY with gallbladder removal August
1999... Liposuction thighs and buttocks June 2002... Watch out world!!!!
Email me direct if you like Joyce... Take good care of you... :-)
— California J.
September 8, 2002
Joyce- First, I would like to congradulate you on making this very tough
decision to change your life. Way to go! Second, I would like to comment
that the previous posters are so accurate in saying that confidence is what
makes you beautiful. I am still preop but have lost (and regained)
considerable amounts of weight in the past and everytime I lost that weight
even if I was still 200 pounds I felt good and people were looking. O.K.
I'm married, but I still like to get looked at. LOL. BUT....... now that I
have regained 80 pounds, I feel horrible and I don't notice anybody looking
at me. The question I have is: If nobody notices me with a BMI of 41 then
how come postops who have lost 150 pounds and still have a BMI of 41 or
greater notice that men are paying attention to them for the first time in
their lives? Simple. They feel great about their accomplishments. It's
all in the attitude and right now I don't have the self confidence to
attract attention, so I don't get it. But you have your surgery (keep it
to yourself as long as you want)start losing the weight and you will feel
so good about yourself that neither you nor he are going to notice those
batwings or saggy boobs!!! Good luck. E-mail me anytime if you want to
chat! :0)
— denisel
September 8, 2002
I dated pre-op and post-op and post-op is MUCH better!! First, I don't
seem to have any problem attracting men post-op. I have drooping breasts
and sagging skin in my thighs but still didn't have any problems. I just
had a tummy tuck and liposuction on my arms a month ago and NOW I feel
better about myself. I just started dating someone about 3 weeks ago and I
was VERY honest with him and told him about my plastic surgery and my other
surgery. He has NO problems with it. He just sees the size 8 me and
that's fine with him. The plastic surgery has been a blessing too in that
there is NO sex allowed for 6 weeks. That gives you time to spend together
and really get to know each other without the pressure to have sex. He
knows we can't and doesn't have a problem with it. He thinks it's good
because we do get to know each other. I think maybe I've lucked out this
time in the man area!! Good luck to you!!
— Patty H.
September 10, 2002
I understand exactly what you're talking about. I'm single & 48, hadn't
dated in years! I'm about 21/2 years post, had a TT 5 months ago & am a
little below my goal weight. I started dating about 3 months ago. It WAS
hard, but I was ready to go there. I told the first guy I got fairly
serious with about the surgery when he asked about the scars. He had no
problem with it at all. I almost think men don't look at our bodies the
same way we women do. I think I may have actually found my "alpha
male." I am walking around so completely in love & silly, I feel
like I'm 16. I have not told him about my surgery yet...he hasn't asked
about my scars. He knows I had my GB removed & probably thinks that's
it. I will tell him at some point, but I don't think it will make any
difference to him. I have told him I used to be fat & he has seen
pictures of me when I was much larger. All he says is "well, you're
sure not fat now!" He says "nice butt" to me quite a lot.
Now, I KNOW my butt is saggy & melts down into my thighs so the first
few times I actually wondered if he was being sarcastic! But, he isn't. He
likes my butt, even tho it IS saggy. go figure! I am learning to be more
comfortable with my naked self. It's taking some time, but being intimate
with a loving, caring, accepting man is sure making it easier. I have found
that I am not physically unacceptable to the male of the species. I look
great in clothes, and not very great out of them, but my guy (who IS, btw,
fairly appearance conscious) almost doesn't seem to notice. The lovin' is
great, the relationship is even better. This part has literally been
everything I hoped it would be. I know this would never have been possible
had I not lost the weight. Your "outer person" is gonna look
really great IN her clothes...and by the time a guy gets to see what's
underneath, hopefully, he will have begun to care enough about that person
on the inside that he either doesn't mind...or doesn't notice. I know it
can happen, cause it happened to me! By the way, being silly in love at 48
years old is FANTASTIC!!!
— Kathy W.
September 10, 2002
I went through a stage of dating different men who all wound up being
superficial for one reason or the other. I just let them go and
concentrated on me, not them. I finally found my soulmate. My self-image
sometimes gets in my way. We have talked about more reconstructive surgery
and he says it's all up to me and he's supportive either way. In a PMS
moment last week, I asked him if he thought I was fat. He said no. I
asked him, "Well then what am I?" He said, without skipping a
beat, "You are mine." How wonderful....
— [Deactivated Member]
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