Question:
What do you tell a wavering fat friend?
I've lost well over one hundred pounds, and a fat friend came to me (I never proselytize for weight-loss surgery) and asked me for information. I gave her all my favorite websites, including this one. At first, she was very positive about it and I was hopeful that she was headed for the surgery, which she badly needs (she's in the superobese category, and a smoker). Now she's coming up with the sort of objections I'd expect from someone who's done no research on the topic: 1) "My friend's cousin's friend's boss died of that operation." 2) "That same friend told me that if I overate after I had that operation, I'd bust open my staples and die in the emergency room." 3) "It's not just my stomach that gets hungry, it's my head. Even if I got full after a few bites, I'd still want to eat and I'd be miserable." 4) "A friend's friend went on Paxil, or Effexor, or whatever, and stopped being depressed and lost xxx pounds." 5) "I went to that AMOS website you told me about and I read about somebody who had that surgery and gained back all the weight." My friend never exercises and is as likely to drop two hundred pounds dieting as I am to drop ten years. Should I face the fact that anyone who really isn't committed to this surgery will find 1001 reasons not to have it and just say, "Die fat"? — [Anonymous] (posted on December 5, 2001)
December 5, 2001
It sounds like she is just starting to face up to her reality and is
feeling pretty scared. Perhaps she is also scared of losing the insulation
(physical and social) of being fat. I would not be mean to her. I would say
something like, it sounds like you're worried about the risks...
"maybe if you do more research and find out what the risks really
are, you'll be able to make an informed decision. It's normal to worry; I
was worried about "x" before surgery but actually it all
worked out fine." And then just drop the subject. She'll stew on
it, continue to see the pounds drop off, and then will decide to have
surgery -- or not. Either way, you've done all you can. Those sound like
desperate excuses to me though, not real concerns.
— Julia M.
December 5, 2001
First of all, I think there is a problem when you say a "fat
friend". Whatever happenned to a nicer word like, overweight?
Secondly, how would you feel if someone told you to "die fat"?
Sometimes there is nothing we can do until that person is full good and
ready, kinda like hearing the gospel.
— Marie A.
December 5, 2001
Well, you can argue back, point for point 1.) my ex died of his morbid
obesity, young & fast. 2.) no. If your staple line disrupts, you need
a new surgery. 3.) if you overeat NOW, you are miserable 4.) yes, I lost
wt too without surgery. Over & over & over again. 5.) and there are
many who did NOT regain. And of those who did, what was their story? Old
outdated surgery? Bad post-op plan? Personal problems? And in what way is
that different than dieting? ORRRRRR, you can just agree with Julia that
the girl wants this desperately, but right now her fear is bigger than her
belief that it can work for HER. That's a tough one. I have a
daughter-in-law that insists I'm the only one who is happy with my surgery
(what about my husband?), and that it is doomed to failure. OK, but then
at least I got 7 great years! She wants it, but her ins will not cover, so
she gets mad at ME for being successful. I actually wear thicker clothes
around her so I'll look heavier. Weird, huh? Still, for many, this river
of negativity is actually a backwards show of interest. All you can do is
take a deep breath and give a one sentence answer. If you go on & on,
she'll just argue. Not everyone dies, cuz here we are. Not everyone
regains, cuz here we are. And so on. But that's all you can say, because
her cousin's mother's dog's friend's kid's aunt died or regained or both,
simultaneously, and there's nothing you can do with a reasonable answer in
fighting an irrational fear. TODAY. Your calmness now will guarantee that
you are who she will choose when she finally IS ready.
— vitalady
December 5, 2001
Just be her friend, and leave her alone w/ the WLS issue.
If you must say something, ask her how long she thinks she'll live w/out
the surgery?
— Cindee A.
December 5, 2001
I have found that obese people are like alcoholics in a way. They come up
with all sorts of excuses for not doing the right thing. Not eating right,
not exercising, and even not having surgery. These people can only make
the choice for themselves. You can't make it for them. You've done the
right thing by helping her to get the information she needs to make an
informed choice. The rest is up to her. I am a former "fat"
person myself.
— Melissa S.
December 5, 2001
I present the facts of WLS to friends and such all the time. My success has
some seeking surgery. But others are happy as they are. They tell me of the
bad of surgery, and ignore the obvious advantages. Thats sad but their
right. I suggest they buy Barbara Thompsons book and move on. I had a hard
time changing me, and changing anyone else is impossible and a waste of
time. Now a couple years from now when they will have likely gained weight
while mine is still down may change their mind THEN.... Plus they are a
smoker, and many smokers dont appear to care much abot their health. So
leave it be for now, time MAY get them interested at a later date..
— bob-haller
December 5, 2001
Please leave the woman alone! You can't push someone into this
surgery; what was right for you (..and me) might not be right for
her. If she asks for info, be a friend and give it to her. Then
let her take it from there. This is her life and her body; if she
chooses to remain fat, that's her choice and if you are a true friend
you'll support her in that choice. Face the fact that your arrogance
is probably annoying and might cost one (fat) friend!
— [Anonymous]
December 5, 2001
I don't detect arrogance in the question and I don't think the questioner
is the reason the "fat friend" is finding excuses not to have the
surgery. I think the fat friend's legitimate fears are being bolstered by
the ignorance of those around her who know nothing about this surgery and
who really feel it isn't legitimate to have surgery for weight loss since,
after all, she can just stop eating--and remain fat, and therefore no
threat to those around her. And by the way, I'm all for our calling
ourselves "fat." I find the word loses its sting when it's used
only amongst those of us who know what it feels like it to be fat.
— [Anonymous]
December 6, 2001
Hi, in your question you stated that this woman is your friend? Correct?
She asked you for info, you gave it, now the ball is in her court. She may
be scared, I know I was, and is trying to sort the good with the bad.
Regardless if this person decides to have WLS or not, is she not still your
friend??? At one point in your life, did you not make up excuses or try
everything to lose weight before WLS? Your friend is going through the
same thing, so let her. What you need to do, intead of being rude and
blunt, with the "Die Fat" statement, is tell her " Your my
friend and I care about you. I gave you the info at your request, and I
think you would benefit from WLS, BUT... if you choose not to have the
surgery, then we'll leave it at that and we we still have our
friendship". What you do, may not be right for everyone else. WLS is
a tough decision to make, and sometimes it takes a while for a person to
get to the point of decision. You can lead a horse to water, but you
can't make him drink, so what do you do, shoot him? NO! You let him get
very very thirsty and then he will do it in his OWN time. Drop the WLS
subject with her and keep your friend.
— [Anonymous]
August 20, 2002
Live and Let Live! :)
— Karen H.
August 20, 2002
Just thought I would share this story with all of you. About 5 years ago a
friend of mine had WLS. She tried to talk me into it.You know, lets do
this together kind of thing. All I could think about was
"stories" others have heard. You know, "You'll die in 3
yrs" ect... Well my friend had surgery. lost over 100#'s and found a
whole new life. It has taken me this long to decide for MYSELF that I
want/need this surgery. If you really think of this person as your friend,
be kind and understanding and everything else will work out.
— Siddy I.
August 21, 2002
It's a personal decision and the issues are complicated. Don't push her.
What if you talked her into it and she's one of the few that end up w/
major complications? That fear is why I never "recommend" it for
someone else, just give the info and say it was great for ME.
— mom2jtx3
August 21, 2002
While I agree that this is a personal decision for your friend, she
certainly is putting you in a bad position of having to "defend"
your own decision to her all the time. I wouldn't like that either. I
would develop an answer to use each and every time she brings up an
argumentative point. In the future, you might say "Certainly, in the
beginning I had many fears & doubts about this surgery, much like
yourself. I found that education helped me make the right decision and I
am happy with it. I hope you are able to make a decision that you are
happy with, too." 'Nuff said.
— Laurie A.
August 21, 2002
This applies to way too many things in life. You may know the absolute
truth but you had to find your way to that point. So does everyone else.
I'm thinking of Christians, I'm thinking of smokers, I'm thinking of
alcoholics, overweight people, etc., etc., etc. Even you yourself have to
come to the end of yourself and you have to research and finally decide
what truth you need to embrace and what route you need to take to get
there. Give your friend that opportunity as well. All you can ever do is
present the truth and let the seed fall where it may be, it's not your job
to push it into the ground and then pull it up to try to make it grow.
Great luck!
— Nell C.
August 21, 2002
Since you asked...I have 2 pieces of advice. 1) Pray for your friend to
make the right choice for her and for you to be able to be supportive of
that decision. 2) When she makes comments that feel negative to you,
remember this tool is not for everyone. Tell her that you respect her
decision no matter what she decides. And finally, don't make the mistake
of comparing yourself and your experiences with anyone else. We are all
different and, WLS like everything else in life, affects everyone
differently. Sometimes best friends have to agree to disagree and make
certain topics off limits to protect their friendship. This may be one of
those topics.
— Teri D.
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