I've done something I've never done before!

Nov 23, 2015

In an attempt to lose this last bit to get approval for my surgery, I've been pushing myself harder in my exercise and diet regime. First, it was, I'll do 31 minutes. Then, let's try 35 min. Next it was hey, let's try this on a 2.8 mph rate with a 1.0 incline at 40 min. The best thing was I kept challenging myself to exercise every day this week. Then yesterday, I did the impossible for me, and if you could only have seen the tears in my eyes!!!! They were not tears of pain. No, they were tears of joy, tears of pride even. I did 45 min cardio on treadmill with a target heart rate of 144 achieved in first 3 min and stayed with a 3.4-4.5 incline to keep it at that rate at a 3.0mph speed rate the entire time. The last 15 min I begin to doubt myself, but I dug my heels in and pushed through and so glad I did!!!! I kept chanting to myself, just one more minute, then I'd listen to one more song and watch another minute or two of the game that was on the TV. Rinse, wash, repeat. When I got to the last minute, I really thought about quitting and forceful thought in my head, NO! I made it this far, I'm NOT quitting! Funny thing is, I had the thought of the commercial of Europe playing The Final Countdown behind me in that last 30 seconds. Haha! I even counted down the last 10 seconds in my head like it was New Years and I broke down into tears during the cool down! Best thing is, I felt GREAT afterwards! I was a little shaky and wobbly, but after taking a hot shower and relaxing, I really had a very euphoric feeling. I was afraid of my legs hurting today, but they don't. They were a little sore last night. Will I do a cardio workout tonight? I am going to wait and see how my legs feel on the treadmill first, but I'm definitely considering it. I just don't want to overdo it and really hurt myself. 

I got for my weigh-in this morning at my doctor's office. I'm very nervous and praying for a good sign. I've drastically cut back my calorie count and my sugar intake this month. I've watched and counted everything I've eaten and I've boasted my fitness routine, so I'm hoping all that pays off. I weighed myself at home but I don't trust my scales. I've weighed myself at home, gone to the doc 30 min later and been 15lbs heavier. There's no way I've gained 15lbs between my house and their office. 

On other fronts, I'm seeing side effects of my weight loss on my relationship already too. My husband is still not embracing the new lifestyle. I don't get it and I know I can't. He's still on a lot of the old ways. Coffee, sugar, soda, high fat foods, eating large meals, not exercising the required 3 times a week... I will say he went one time with me last week, but I think I guilted him into it. Anyways, he's been acting very moody with me and he's going into a depressive cycle. He did share with me that he's afraid I'll trade him in when I lose my weight. I've tried to share with him that that's my fear too: i.e. he'll trade me in for another model. I think if he'd just exercise more, he'd feel better about himself as well. I can't make him do it though. 

Today I have my nutritional counselling and psych evaluation.  The psych evaluation somewhat makes me nervous because of my bi-polar issues and the fact that I already see a therapist in their office and we have discussed weight loss surgery at length already. Maybe that’s a good thing though. (My surgeon uses an outside psychological office which is the same one I see for therapy.) I just fear they will have open access to my files and will see all my F up’d history and deny me for that reason. I don’t think they can do that can they? I'm pretty sure they can't, it's just a normal fear I have. 

Anyways, off to start my day! Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you for taking the time to say a kind word! You all have been instrumental in getting me going and keeping me there!

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