Beginings and Endings and kicking Cymbalta oh my!

Jan 23, 2011

First I must say tis site is amazing. Of coarse I have been here before but I think it's all finally sinking in. I have had no motivation for so long. Over a year. Ya know how mos people say "I've lost and gained the same 100 lbs a million times"? NOT me. I have never lost more then 20 or 25 pounds. Wich seems crazy for someone @450lbs. I was happy fat, or maybe I just convinced myself I was. Never knowing any other way how could I know really! I remember at one point being 309 lbs, (I'm 5'5'') and walking into a store with a girlfriend of mine. She said to me "how does it feel to have all these guys looking at you?" Of coarse I knew they were looking at me, but I was modest about it. Now at 450lbs I long for those days. Not as a means of getting attention, but just simply someone anyone noticing I am alive. Other then being in their way would be nice. The bigger I get the more invisible I am. Not only to the outside world but my family especially. People don't understand. I guess they see all fat people and think you sit in front of the TV eating chips and ribs all day, lol! While eating is the biggest part of obesity and more specifically my own. There are so many things involved. I wonder some times if people think I am enjoying myself? Do people know that as many as 60% of obese women where sexually abuse as children. That is a crazy statistic. I think that its safe to say if you look at someone who is obese there are serious issues going on there. If I was anorexic people would probably say "poor girl she needs help", but FAT omG never. If your fat your some kind of horrible slob who is not worthy of existence. Now of coarse not everyone feels this way but its pretty common. Anyways>>>LOL! So now that I am done ranting about the in-equality of my fat sisters and brothers
So here I am and I am so happy to be here. I've hve failed before and to be real honest had to beg for the chance to start this program again. I would go somewhere else but Dr. O'Malley is the only surgeon I feel comfortable with. I have alot of respect for him and I feel a sense of comfort with him that I haven't felt at other surgeon's seminars. Jan. 27 is my Surgeon seminar, and although I have been to it 3 times before (long story) I must go again. Then January 31st is my dietitian seminar. Feb. 25th is my first 1 on 1 w/the dietician and then I have one more of the 1 on 1 apt's with the dietician in March and let the process begin! WOOT WOOT ...... and I the only one in love with these smiley's? Big goal for the next few months is to NOT GAIN WEIGHT! That has been a big hurdle for me so wish me luck "losers"! D