skylark2011
5 years and almost 9 months
Apr 08, 2015
It has been so long since I have posted. Honestly it does not feel like it has been almost a year. Where to begin? There have been sooo many things that have happened. Wow. Wow.
Confession time! My stats have changed and not all for the better. Though I have been weight lifting for about 3 months, I am 201.2 as of today, and that is down from 205.4. I am in recovery - just having gone through my divorce. I am very grateful that it was relatively short, I had a good lawyer and she couldn’t be intimidated or bossed around. Initially my husband - EX husband thank God - tried to intimidate and threaten and was so....angry and...intentionally hurtful. I still grieve over the change in him, but through counseling and support I was shown that the changes - addictions, abuse, adultery - were symptoms of much deeper issues that he hadn’t dealt with, that grew after his WLS and REALLY took off after my WLS - but that is another story for another day. The whole process took a toll. It seemed so long, though it was a relatively short amount of time - 7 months from the time he was served until the end. I know that was due to the high amounts of stress, insomnia, and just...the heart pain. The pain that seems to radiate from deep in the body. It felt like a...spirit flu. I'd heard about bitter exes drawing out the process, playing out their power and control issues, so I think it was to my benefit that his lawyer was a member of his support group - I think he would have acted more...true to his nature...had that connection not been there.
I am grateful that I was faithful with my exercise throughout this process even when my eating was poor. I used MOM to purge at times, as I’d done in the past. I was aware of what I was doing, knew it was unhealthy, and forgave myself, and have been MOM free for a good while....unless there is some serious blockage - which still happens even this far out from surgery. Also during the transition I started working. That also added a certain amount of stress. The environment that I was in was very toxic, and coupled with the emotional toll of the divorce proceedings, some nights it was all that I could do to get home, explain to my children in a way that they could understand, and crawl into bed. There were some days that I was so physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally weary, I could not cry, I could hardly process what was happening. It was all hard, though I knew it was for the better. It was unbelievably hard. If you have been through it, you know. But. but.
Over time, I began to see some good changes. Things weren’t affecting me as deeply as they once had. I began to read other books and use the tools that I was learning in my group and from my readings. It wasn’t getting better, but how I dealt with it was. And then, almost simultaneously, my divorce was finalized and I was given an opportunity to interview for another location at the beginning of this year. And just like that, it was done. It felt like forever and then the fog cleared suddenly. Knowing that it is over and done....it has been like spring. Slowly and increasingly I feel more alive with every passing day. It is difficult to describe.
All of these changes, this whole process of taking care of me and making better and healthier decisions for myself, began with a thought and action, so many years ago. The decision to undergo WLS was one of the most life changing decisions that I've made. After many years of different ways of eating, different pills, and other tools, I found one that has been the longest running success that I have ever experienced. Those other years, though painful, were essential to my learning, though it didn’t feel like it at the time. I do not like what I went through, but now I can appreciate how those helped me change and grow, and helped me get to this point. They helped me to learn what worked for me, how to tweak and personalize plans and turn them into something I can do for life. My babies have also been such an important part of these changes, all of them. My heart’s desire is for them to learn what is healthy, what is good, what feeds their souls. Every step I have taken, even when I doubted myself, when I looked to them, it helped ease the fears and confusions. I want health for them, and for me, in every area of our lives, for the rest of our lives.
