I'm Shrinking, yet Growing at the Same Time...

Mar 25, 2012

I just seem to slowly be getting back to an almost normal daily life - I still have lots of limitations, but as I say, slowly adding more to my day.  Three weeks ago I had my "fup" (pannus) removed, and I am finally allowing how I look to sink in.  Weird, I always thought I had a high waist & long trunk -- but in actuality, I guess I don't.  My belly used to end about ten inches lower than it now does, and the funny thing, I just never gave my "cooter" much thought to her location and/or distance from my waist.

For folks who have a long pannus, I think we all have a different image of our private parts.  Under the flesh, they exist, but not out in the open as they were meant to be.  Let me tell you, wearing jeans feels absolutely weird, now that I do not have the fleshy "outer garment" known as "fup".  It is weird to feel so exposed, but not in a bad way, just foreign to me.  I am still very swollen above my hairline/pubic area, that if I stand too long, it starts to feel numb -- obviously I will have to deal with the swelling for as long as it takes to heal, but I am aware of my limitations.

Monday, I have to go back to the doctor for the drain on my left hip, sigh.  I had sprung a leak in my tubing, so I suggested we just leave a stubby tube to continue the draining process, only to NOT realize I am less than dainty in my actions, I somehow yanked out the stitches anchoring said stubby tube.  New pain from torn, open flesh, sigh.  I am being very good with it's care, so worry not, I am not too worried about infection.  The other drain is probably ready to be removed, but I keep wondering if it will happen sooner than later.  I haven't a clue how deep my drains go, but I will share when I find out.  Fascinating stuff, I love knowing what all the tubes are for, what they do, I just love knowing about mysterious things doctors figure out to keep us healthy.

My scale has NOT been in use of late, I just am afraid I may get all freaked out from the lack of positive reinforcement.  I'm swollen, not allowed to do much activity, so how in the world would the scale show me something wonderful?  Instead, I try to remind myself that I will be able to build back my activities, and see the fruits of my labor in the way of pounds lost.  I did try on a pair of Lee Jeans - they mostly fit!  Loose in the crotch - something I cannot ever remember, since my pannus used to tuck into the pants legs (my butt in front).  I have been told by folks who see me on a regular basis I am smaller three weeks out then just after, so I am just going to give the scale a little vacation.

Before you want to ask this question, let me say, I am so looking forward to working toward the next surgery!  Maybe I run the risk of being addicted to getting reconstructive surgery, but I am mostly realistic about what can be achieved.  My top five surgeries I would like... Number Five: Lower Body Lift, so my muffin top in back would be gone.  Number Four: My neck, I finally feel my age when I look in the mirror, sigh.  Number Three: Abdominoplasty.  Number Two: Boob lift, heck maybe even add a little.  Number One: Thighs.  I ranked them in the order I feel their importance, just because some of the loose skin may be able to tighten with more exercise, but some I know I will have to either live with (neck) or get work done to (thighs).  I have already decided I will not hide my floppy, flabby thighs, because if I see them, I will be forced to work harder to achieve my goal, to make them more normal.  If it is staring in my face, I hope it will keep me grounded and know it is up to me to change.

Fifteen months later, I am mostly proud of my work, and know i can work harder to finish the weight loss portion of the journey.  Losing slowly is hopefully going to help me keep it off, but I know that I will have to be on guard for life.  My weight did not happen overnight, but because it was so gradual, I believe that is how it got so high.  I joke about it now, but I sadly used to think, "Oh, thirty pounds will make the difference, I can just get serious, and lose it & be happy..."  When thirty became fifty, I think I was becoming better at telling myself I was fine & can do it, "when I am ready..." 

Back in July of 2008, I had a health scare.  I was having heart palpitations, so I went to see my doctor, "I have finally did it, I broke my heart, I think I finally have heart disease!"  Luckily, my doctor is wise and not into scaring a patient into losing weight, otherwise I may have not come to the conclusion I came to. It turns out, I did NOT have a problem with my heart, I had Pernicious Anemia (inability to absorb B12 on my own), so I needed to start taking shots.  I started feeling better within about a month, but decided then & there, I was going to do something about my "thirty to fifty" pounds.  My goal was to lose enough weight - on my own - not to NEED gastric bypass, so in one year I needed to see big results.  I did lose weight, but frankly, I have no idea how much, as I wasn't using a scale - I was TOO FAT to be weighed at my doctors office.

By Early 2009 the writing was on the wall.  Sure, I was finally exercising 5 days a week, but I was still HUGE.  Things happen, I was in an automotive accident, ironically on my way to swim, so I had to put surgery aside for a year.  By January of 2010, I was scheduled to start the process.  So, for you folks asking how long the process can take, I did not get my surgery until November of 2010.  It takes as long as it takes.  My surgery has made my life worth living again, not that I wasn't happy, I wasn't as active as I wanted to be.  Carrying around close to 500 pounds (474 was my start weight for surgery - that after the year & a half wait) just is not an easy thing to do.  I look back and actually am somewhat proud of the things I was able to do at that high of a weight.  I also feel guilty for being pissed off when I was forced to buy an extra seat on airplanes.  It isn't the fault of anyone else that I needed more than my one seat (well, Southwest sucks, even when I was a normal sized sat person), so I finally did something about it.  Being a proud, fat woman is who I have been my entire adult life, so I have to remember that fat is NOT the norm.

One thing I have to say I received from being fat, I am an empathetic person.  Growing up, I always championed for the "underdog".  Rude comments have been known to be heard from my mouth, but then I remind myself, "Hey, who said YOU are so perfect?!"  Then I see reality for what it is, and treat others how I would like to be treated.  I have wondered how different a person I would have become, had I been a "normal sized" person, and then I realize that even super models have insecurities.  Nobody is perfect, I get that.  I am still learning, "if you can't say something nice, don't say 'nuthin at all..." (Thumper is one of the characters I relate to), and try to live by that simple thought.  There is a lot of really cool things about being alive, so I happily try to live as positive a life as I can, so that maybe others will be able to say nice things about me when I am finished.  My grandmother was someone I can remember having only positive things to say.  Even when I reached adulthood, I was still a kid in my head around her, but she never said a negative thing.  If I can grow up to be like her, or even my great aunt Maura, then I will have lived a good life.  Think before you open your mouth...

Ha ha ha, I actually have to say that this time around - I have lost large amounts of weight a few times in my life - I think I haven't gotten too big for my britches! I joke with folks, "The last time I lost 135 pounds, I ended up losing another 200, my ex husband..."  This time around, I am in a better place, and having surpassed the 135 pound mark months ago, I am not walking around feeling like I am superior, so I have grown as a human.  So many of us become a different person after weight loss.  Trust me, I have lost DEAR friends over their weight loss.  Maybe it is maturity, I am unsure, but this time around, I do feel different.  Oh, I have my moments, which remind me to "think before I ..."  so, I am far from being "truly enlightened".  But, there is a certain amount of pride I have for my mature behavior, and I feel happy about that.  If you are not familiar with losing a lot of weight, many folks start acting out, sexually.  Hey I said it, so it must be true...

Maybe I am a very lucky person, but I finally have someone in my life who (this is going to hurt), well, he completes me.  He brought up the fear of me dumping him, now that I am "skinny," so I am more careful in my peacock behavior.  Yes, I am one of those, "Look at me! Look at me!" people, but for some reason (maturity), I do not have the need this time around.  More friends of mine who lost a lot of weight, stepped out on their significant other, so I am aware of the behavior.  I have laughed at me being as he calls it, "skinny," because this is the smallest size he has known me at.  Far from being skinny, I am also far from being in need of validation that I am now sexually acceptable to more men.  Sorry guys, I have something special at home, and frankly I doubt anyone else can give me those goosey-bumps nearly as well. 

Okay, let me move into another area I have found interesting, being VISIBLE.  How can someone who used to wear a 5X, in brightly colored garb, be invisible?  I was.  Since losing well over 100 pounds (I have lost over 180, so far), I am having more conversations with folks, than before.  I have been swimming at the King County Aquatic Center since August of 2009 (I switched pools that year), and barely talked to any of the folks who worked there (front office, maintenance, life guards), even other patrons.  Weird, since I really started to show real progress in my weight loss journey, more folks seem to see me.  Is it embarrassment?  There is a certain amount of the population who see fat people as being worth less than average sized folks, but there has to be more to this.  As a child, I was fat, but EVERYONE seemed to know me.  I am still the same outgoing person as I was growing up, but somehow, I am more visible now that I am becoming a "normal" sized fat person (that is how my daughter describes me).  How am I more visible in a size 20 than when I was wearing a size 34?  Part of me feels hurt by this new phenomena, as I am still the same Brenda I have always been, just in a smaller package.  So, if you are in the process of losing weight, be advised, if you do not like talking to strangers, it most likely is something you will have to learn to do.  

My laundry buzzer went off a paragraph ago, but sometimes I have to just explore my thoughts & put them out there.  Losing weight is very much a mental thing, not just a physical one, so be prepared.  My best advice to anyone - be positive.  I try to be open & friendly to all strangers, but I am still surprised by human nature (good & bad).  If you are losing weight in hopes that it will fix your life -- other than physical portions of this thought, weight loss isn't the answer.  Being "okay" with who you are is really the key.  I have been lucky to have some wonderful role models, so for me, the weight loss is more to fix my physical self.  Maybe I am talking out of my hat, but I do not think my weight was a buffer.  Like I say, my hat may be muffling my thoughts, but I am always willing to face what needs to be changed, so I can be a role model for someone else.  Man, I hope that didn't sound too full of myself!  I actually have read my journal from Third Grade (yup, I have always enjoyed writing), and I was so proud of that 8 year old, I actually remind myself to be more like her everyday.  On that note, I think I should go do laundry & get to my other correspondence!  It's Sunday and sunny in Seattle, which is a lovely thing!

Brenda : )~

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