Change the mind and the body will follow

May 06, 2010

For some reason I find myself standing in the pantry late at night again. It will be 3 years in June since I've had my surgery. I guess some things never change. Well, maybe they do. I aknowledge what I'm doing and that is a fantastic step toward making change. I know this. I discuss this issue with my therapist and she wants me to think about what I'm feeling when I am doing this or when I crave certain foods.

I think it is stress, anxiety or depression. These seem to be the eating triggers for me. Sweets and snacking seem to provide an instant gratification feeling. I have heard about WLS patients who either regain their weight, become sex addicts, gambling addicts or shop-a-holics. It sort of makes sense because we trade one addiction- food, for another. If you cannot eat large quantities of food because of your surgery, what do you do? Shop? Gamble? Have Sex? What "Tickles" that part of your brain that wants to feel good right now? I think I struggle with that to some extent.

When I am exercising on a regular basis, it releases endorphins into the brain which is a form of a high and sort of gives me that "fix". But, it's not really the same thing. Realizing that I'm doing this and I desire these quick fixes is important. If you read the forums on OH long enough, you see these common threads. It seems we all get frustrated with "something" but it's really not getting that fix that we used to get.

So, how do you change how your brain's been wired when it's been that way for decades? Yes, it's wonderful that I am almost 3 years post op and have maintained the bulk of the weight I've lost. I feel so much better than I did before my surgery and I have no regrets. But when I find myself wanting to eat a bag of M&M's at 10 o'clock for no reason except head hunger, it reminds me that I am still the same fat guy trapped in a thinner body. Will these desires ever go away?

Yesterday was my mom's birthday, she died 7 years ago. I still miss her and probably always will. I think I find reasons to be stressed, anxious or depressed. We have replaced all the windows in our house last week and they look beautiful but it was a big ticket item. Combine that with all the travel we are going to do in the next 4 months and we have a tight budget. Maybe this is what is weighing on my mind. Jack and I are getting married next month. I am really happy and excited about that. We bought our rings last month and they are sitting in my underwear drawer upstairs. I'm wondering if I subconsciously am trying to sabotage my wedding by snacking/eating so my ring won't fit. I have been exercising every day, eating healthy breakfasts, lunches, and dinners but I snack at night and I crave sweets/desserts. Normally, when I am on my game and have this much "sweat equity" in my program, I am not doing this. So, I figure it has to be stress, anxiety or depression that is eeking it's way into my thought process.

I need a mental intervention! I need to shake the baby inside me and make him stop crying for what he wants. It is just a want and not a need. I know these things. It sounds so good on paper and yet.... at 10 o'clock at night, the baby seems to make perfect sense. The insane are leading the asylum in my mind! So, maybe I need to slow it down, try to get back to basics and journal. It's the things I don't like doing that usually shed the most light on my behaviors. Maybe that's why I don't like doing them.

I want to be a long term success with my surgery and not a quick to goal one. 3 years is a blink in the eye on this journey. Coming to terms with these mental issues is absolutely critical to learning to work my tool correctly. I know this.I have an appointment scheduled with my surgeon on May 20th. Maybe a fill will help. I have a feeling it's a combination of fill level in my band and mental. May 20th is 3 days before my birthday. What a birthday present. No food for you! It's also about 3 weeks before our wedding. We have so many trips coming up Vermont (June), Las Vegas (July) and Alaskan cruise (August). I want to get myself back into the right mindset-- measuring portions, making healthy eating choices, no snacking, exercising everyday and PLANNING HEALTHY MEALS. I have sort of stopped doing the latter. I felt a lot better when I was going thru recipe sites and cookbooks and found healthy things to eat. I need to get back into that again.

So, this was my confession for today. I got through my mother's birthday in the best way I could. Next week, I travel to San Francisco about 40 lbs lighter than my family saw me last (after my motorcycle accident). Am I where I want to be? No. Honestly, I don't care. It's a lifelong journey and they'll be surprised that I am the weight I am. I am more concerned about coming home without gaining and being ready for my appt with the surgeon. Either way, bring it on! I want to get my band tweaked and an attitude adjustment. I have done so well since January. I don't want to stray off the path too long before making corrections.

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