Exhausted

May 18, 2011

 Id like to start on a positive note.  My employer is paying for me to go see my surgeon tomorrow to hopefully have lab work done and get some questions answered to some issues I have been having!  So I am truly blessed that they care enough to help me out since my insurance was cancelled.
I also have found great relief in writing again.  I use to love to write/type, get my thoughts out on paper.  I use to go through those little journal books like they were going out of style.  I lost all of them in one of my moves and never took up writing again...but I think it is something that I am going to start doing again.  For me there is something relaxing about getting my thoughts out of my head and off of my chest....which is why I have been posting here so much, I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts, I appreciate and find great strength in the replies, and hope that maybe something I say or something someone else says can not only help me but help someone else who might not be ready to speak up and talk about their situation.

I spent my evening in the ER last night with a horrible bladder infection.  My 7 year old son was with me....my so called man was no where to be found....go figure.  So here is our normal routine---I get home around 6pm, he is usually not there, he usually leaves my son there with his mom and leaves before I get home....yes his mother lives with us too.  We moved out on our own in February, he moved her back in with us about 3 weeks later.  He does NOT work, but he does watch my son after school so I can work....well saying that he watches him is not completely accurate.  He is "there" so that Alex (my son) is not home alone.  They don't really interact, or talk even.  Then when his mom gets home he leaves Alex there with her which is fine with me....she is much more friendly when it comes to Alex then he is.  So I get home around 6pm, clean up, and start cooking dinner.  He comes home around 8-9pm eats dinner (he expects a meal every night) and then leaves again usually between 9:30-10pm...coming back home between midnight and 1am.  He comes in making all kinds of noise, wakes me up EVERY night.  And then sits in the living room till 2-3am watching TV before coming to bed.  So in a typical day I see him for maybe an hour sometimes 2.  But literally we sit in different rooms.  If I am in the living room he goes to the bedroom and vice versa.  Which I find to be strange.  Most relationships consist of general coversation right?  "How was your day" "How was work" "What are you doing tomorrow" simple conversation....not here.  I get up at 6am every morning (except weekend) make sure my son is up, take him to school, then I come to work.  My job is pretty demanding and detail is super important so times like today when I can't concentrate on anything is very counterproductive.
There are no good bye hugs or kisses, no embraces throughout the night, no hand holding, no cuddling, no passion, no romance.  I cook, clean, take out the trash, pull hair out of the drain, do dishes, clean up cigarette butts and ashes (even though I don't smoke), I handle all the laundry, and other chores around the house every single day.
The house that we have is rented 3 bedroom 2 baths.  This morning I got up and decided that I want a small one bedroom apartment.  I want something inexpensive and easy to maintain.  I am tired of working my butt off and having nothing to show for it.  I am tired of paying bills for others to sit home all day and watch TV, or others eating up every piece of food that I bring into the house.  And I am tired of having a man yet feeling COMPLETELY alone!  It is the strangest feeling to have 2 other adults in the house with you yet you feel like you are on a deserted island somewhere.  Have you ever felt that way?  I literally can't have an intelligent conversation with him.  He doesn't see things the way that I see things, which is so strange.  My main goal right now is to NOT fall back into that trap of trying to talk him into changing.  I am trying my hardest to accept that this is the way it is.  If he wanted to make  his ex stop calling/texting him he would make her stop.  And the fact that not only does he disrespect me but he allows her to disrespect me is too much for me to even comprehend.  He is going to do exactly what he wants to do.  So the only thing I can do is GET OVER IT!  It hurts, and right now I am typing looking at my phone wanting to text or call him....but I just can't!  Why should I?  One of my favorite quotes "don't waste your time on someone who isn't willing to waste their time on you"....and he is NOT calling or texting me.  So I am trying to go with the "you do you" mentalitiy.....Ill let you know how it goes   

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