Jawbones, cheekbones and cellulite

Mar 23, 2013

I think I have the opposite of body dysmorphic disorder sometimes.  I think that's how I let myself get to over 350 pounds... I wasn't really seeing myself at my real physical weight.  I think in the past I would lose like 50 or 60 pounds and feel so good about myself and be satisfied with where I was at so I just stopped exercising and eating healthy.  Then, of course, I would gain it back and eventually notice when all my clothes are too tight and the buttons are popping off my jeans. 

Today, I have officially lost 59 pounds total, 50 since surgery.  I am feeling much better about myself lately.  I am exercising and enjoying it.  I am still struggling occasionally with head cravings and food obsession but its all going well so far.  I am able to control it.

I cleaned the house this morning and was sweating and a bit tired when I was done but my back and knees didn't hurt at all anymore. I wasn't exhausted like I used to be. I got a shower, met a friend for coffee and then went to the mall.  I felt much better walking around and shopping. My stepson wanted some new boxers before he goes to his mom's for a week tomorrow and asked me to get him some at the mall.... It's a very awkward thing for me to buy my 14 year old stepson's boxers but I said ok. Instead of just buying a pack at Walmart or something, I thought I would buy a few nice pairs for him.  I went into American Eagle and I felt slightly less awkward... I still feel like people are looking at me like, "Lady, you know that we have nothing here that fits you". And they would be exactly right! LOL But still, I felt a tad more like I belonged.

Anyways, back to my original thought, I was washing my face tonight and looked up in the mirror and I finally am starting to recognize myself again.  In my mind, I never saw the 350 pound person.  I didn't see the person who couldn't fit in her size 26 jeans anymore and got winded walking from the car into Publix. At 350, when I looked in the mirror or at pictures of myself, I saw a girl in a fat suit.  My friend posted some pictures in December on Facebook of me and I swear I looked like an extra from Shallow Hal.  I saw my face in there but it was surrounded by fat.  I never really accepted that was how I looked.  So it's nice to look in the mirror again and start to see my old face. I am starting to see a jawline and my cheekbones again. I missed those...

My husband and I are going to Destin, FL this week for a vacation and I pulled out my swimsuits.  I don't have many but I have an old one (I mean, OLD) and I tried it on.  The top is pretty much a string with triangle fabric on the boobs.  The bottoms are pretty big and just a normal swimsuit bottom.  I tried it on for my husband and of course he said it looked good and told me to bring it.  But I really don't think I will... I liked how it looked in the mirror but I wasn't really looking at my legs and I couldn't see my backfat rolls and all my cellulite from behind. I'm crazy to think I can wear that at 300 pounds! But as soon as I start losing weight, no matter where I started, I start thinking I'm a model or something. I start trying to wear things that I probably shouldn't!

I am extremely fortunate to like my face and my features and I have friends and family and my husband that are so supportive of me.  They tell me I'm pretty and compliment me and support my weight loss.  But I can't get too comfortable.  I want to get to a healthy place and a weight that I can sustain with activity and healthy eating.  I don't want to tell myself to just forget it, that food is more important than my weight.  So I'm really glad to start seeing my progress but I have to keep reminding myself that I have a long way to go.

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