Mental Illness+Abuse+Eating Disorder=Overweight Failure

Jul 18, 2012

Yes folks, I am still alive and kicking.  Kicking all my skinny clothes out the door that is.  I have gained 20 pounds.  YES!  20 frickin pounds.

On Tuesday, April 24th I checked myself into an intensive outpatient therapy treatment center for severe dehabilitating depression and anxiety.  At first it was 5 days a week for 6 hours a day.  Hour 1: Check-in, share how your evening went, etc.  Hour 2: Education.  Hour 3 & 4: Therapy.  Lunch.  Hour 5: Education.  Hour 6: Check-out and sharing of safety plan for the evening / weekend.  All of it was done in groups.  There was B Group where folks went if they didn't have the ability to comprehend / apply the lessons / ideas learned.  The C Groups which were the cognitive therapy groups, which I was part of.  People going through similar problems / struggles, who were able to comprehend / absorb and then impliment the lessons learned in their every day lives.  And the D Group which was for people sturggling with depression in addition to an addiction to drugs or alcohol.  I learned that I am not alone in the world, nor are my symptoms unique.  I also learned that everyones reaction, absorption to medications is different, and now find myself on not one, or two, but three brain medications.  I also have found myself on an ongoing binge.  An eating binge.  Hence the 20 pounds.  But back to the depression and anxiety.  The anxiety has subsided, I still have bouts, but am better able to see when I start working myself up and am able to calm myself faster.  The depression, well, it is still there.  It is bad.  I am trying my best to hide it, ignore it, press it away, but if I am completely honest with myself, it is still there, raging just under the surface.  Additionally, while in therapy I remembered being abused as a child.  I am not going to go into the details, just know it was sexual abuse by a family member I have continued to have as part of my life.  It is a memory I repressed, hid from, and pushed away.  Now it is there.  I have told my husband, best friend, and my parents.  I am reading an excellent book called "The Courage to Heal", and like my depression, I have found it comforting to know that I am not alone in my suffering from abuse.  The symptoms of my abuse are not unique, they are shared by millions who have suffered the same tragedy.  I believe this is why I am binging.  I am going through the abuse defense motions again, one of which is eating, making myself unattractive and therefore unwanted and therefore someone no one would waste their time abusing.

Currently, my depression is being fed by my abuse memories, and my eating.  My eating.  My eating.  My eating.  It is mindless.  It is pointless.  It is severely lacking protein.  It is severly lacking nutrition.  It is severely lacking.  I am struggling.  This is the only place where I can truly voice how much of a failure I have become when it comes to weight loss.  I am failing, and I am watching it happen and can't stop it.  I know, you're saying, "But, you're the only person who CAN stop it."  But in all honesty, I can't stop it.  I am rolling down the fat hill and there is no end, no bottom, no stopping.  I am failing.

Me yesterday:

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