iliciaq
Didn't realize...
Jan 08, 2012
just how much I think about food until I realized that I'll be having a surgery that won't allow me to gorge on food like I have in the past. I went to CVS today and I went in there for TUMS cause I had already eaten the last of the 2 slabs of BBQ ribs my husband made (both of us said "goodbye" to all that deliciousness today LOL as a final farewell sort of thing). I went in there and I looked at all the snacks "I love" like Snickers, Heath, Reese's, and ice creams... I was SO shocked, angry, and embarrassed at how I feel SAD like really tearing up over not being able to eat that.I know I have to break the cycle (the cycle of "I eat because I'm fat and I'm fat because I eat") I can't stand it and I want it to stop. TODAY. I let the excitement about the surgery keep me motivated and I know it will be hard. My co-workers (all of them older than me and all of them overweight/obese... ) LOVE to eat out together for lunch and I know it's my responsibility to say no and eat something better and don't tempt myself with going out with them. I have to do better.
I once thought I was gorgeous... and technically I am (I'm not a vain person, by far but I really think I'm a very beautiful woman) BUT over the years and pounds later, I can tell that I am losing my looks and my sex appeal and that what I think I look like in my mind does not match the image in the mirror when I get out the shower.
I make jokes (defense mechanism, I guess) to stay light hearted about it but I'm tired of talking about how attractive I used to be. I know my husband loves me and he thinks I'm beautiful but I KNOW he secretly wishes for what I USED to look like. I know he didn't meet me like this and he's a very good man. He deserves a beautiful wife. I feel like I let him down.
Anywhoo, I just felt sad... wanted to vent a little. I have a week or so until my first appointment with Dr. Dyslin and I know that will cheer me up (make me feel like I'm making progress).
Thanks for listenin'... (whoever is reading). :-)
-Ilicia
